The Mega Independent - Political Humor & Satire

The 1% Has No Rights

2011-12-08T07:08:00.001-08:00

We are the 99%. You there in the 1%... you are the minority. Get used to it.

And you're not just any regular minority, with special rights, or any rights. You're the kind of minority that a minority should be. You have no rights. We have the power. And we are going to wield that power with brute force. There is a lot more of us than there is of you and you can't do anything about it. We are the 99%.

That's the way it works in this country, bub. When there's a lot of one type of person and a little of another, that little of another gets to be intimidated, threatened, ransacked and cowed. That's what we in the 99% have always stood for. We are the 99%.

And don't start with all this "minority rights" stuff. We are the 99% and we are the minority. Don't ask us how that is. Don't ask us why that is. Just shut up and take it. You are outnumbered. We are the 99%.

Obama Creates Job By Replacing Teleprompter With Cuecard Guy

2011-06-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

In this era of automation, and computers taking over our lives, it is nice to see that we have a President willing to stand up for the little guy. President Obama reminded us last week that ATM's and airport kiosks are one of the main reasons we're facing record unemployment and skyrocketing food and energy prices. Think of how much money we could save if we hired somebody to do everything instead of having machines do it all for us. This is the kind of progressive, forward thinking that Democrats are constantly engaging in to get you back to work.

In the spirit of that, the President has put his money where his mouth is and has banned the teleprompter from all Presidential speeches, lectures, meetings and kindergarten classrooms, and instead will be carting around a Cuecard Guy, who will serve the same purpose as the teleprompter, but in addition will get all the benefits of working for the Federal Government, like a gold star healthcare and retirement plan for his family. In this economy, it is never the wrong time or place to create a job.

If you're interested in job creation yourself but can't create an actual job, you still can participate. Instead of sending that important document to your energy-hogging printer tomorrow morning, ask a secretary to copy it down for you with her ball point. And for breakfast, don't put your bread in the earth-murdering toaster. Instead, start a fire. Do it like all those well employed cavemen did. If you're a housewife, show your solidarity with the create-a-job movement by bringing your laundry down to the nearest fresh water stream and doing it with a washboard. Just like "being green", you don't have to actually accomplish anything or stick to any hard and fast principles. It's the thought that counts.

So thank you to President Obama for leading by example in this all important anti-technology employment movement. Stand with us, and we will get unemployment down, we will save his Presidency, and we will create jobs. Yes we can. Yes we can. Yes we can.

Special Advertising Section: The Coming Memoir

2011-05-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

Special Advertising Section: An NBC TV Movie Event

2011-05-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

Finding the most reclusive, most wanted terrorist in the world was the easy part. Planning and training a masterfully timed pinpoint accurate secret mission to attack and kill him was also pretty easy. But giving the go-ahead to go through with it once everything was ready and waiting on the table? That? That was hard.

This is the story about one man. One man who refused to say no after a while, and then had the guts to finally stand up and say "yes".

As in, "Yes. You go ahead and do what you're trained to do. You guys are a bunch of soulless automatons of the US military-industrial complex anyway. Me? I'm the one that nods the head. I blink once for yes, {blink} and twice for no, {blink} {blink}. I'm like a cobra. A cobra that does it all and doesn't need any credit for it, even though I somehow end up taking virtually all of the credit when things go well, and/or getting far, far away from blame when they don't. And if you were paying attention, you could even argue that I fought against every policy that enabled this to happen.

Look. Let me be clear. As I said before, I can't help it if people want to look at this and acknowledge how amazing I am, {blink} {blink} {blink}.

Yeah, three blinks is maybe. As in, 'maybe' I am pretty incredible after all."

Bang bang, hiding terrorist. He got you. He got you because he loves America and is a great, great person who is better than anyone else and did this all by himself because no one helped especially Republicans.

Get yourself ready for a very important NBC television movie special:

Ripped from the headlines, and is not just some pre-planned laudatory biographical celebration that's been waiting in a can somewhere for something big to happen so we have a prime time excuse to show you over and over again why this guy makes us weak in the knees.

The Man Who Got Bin Laden. Every night at 8 and every day at 11 and 3. Don't miss it.

Finally Something That Isn't Bush's Fault

2011-05-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

Isn't it refreshing. After 26 months in office, finally something has happened that is not the fault of George W. Bush, the presidential predecessor who nearly wrecked the entire world and couldn't get Bin Laden.

The assassination of Osama Bin Laden is so precisely of Barack Obama's doing that to argue otherwise would be positively insane. You know, sort of like asking to see Obama's birth certificate. Har har har. Stupid tea partiers. This is how a real president conducts a war. The Republicans, were they not so closed-minded, could start learning some valuable lessons here.

Now, thankfully, we can get back to the tanking economy, streaking unemployment, and untenable food and gas prices which all still have absolutely nothing to do with Obama or the Democrats. Yes We Did!!!

"Taxday" by Rebecca Barack (Sung to "Friday" by Rebecca Black)

2011-04-14T06:08:00.001-07:00

Oo-ooh-ooh, hoo yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah

[Rebecca Barack - Verse 1]

7pm, standin' up at the podium
Gotta focus, gotta read the totus
Gotta be smart, gotta sound cereal
Seein’ all the words, the scroll is rollin’...
Scrollin’ on and on, everybody’s listenin’
Gotta get down to the bot-tom
Gotta catch my golf cart... I see my Dems...

Starin' at the rich folk
Eyein' all the old folk
Gotta make my mind up...
Whose money can I take...?

It’s Taxday, Taxday
Grabbin' it all on Taxday
All my comrades lookin’ forward to the fifteenth, fifteenth
Taxday, Taxday
Everything's mine on Taxday
You know I'll be spreadin' the wealth... on the fifteenth (yeah)

Czar-y-in’, Czar-y-in’, (Yeah)
Czar-y-in’, Czar-y-in’, (Yeah)
Spread, Spread, Spread, Spread
Lookin’ forward to the fair-ness

7:45, I'm drivin’ at the first hole
Golfing's so hard, I want the ball to fly
One, One, thinkin' about One
You know I'm The One...
I got this, you had this
Your money's in my hand...
I got this, you had this
And don't, you, miss, it?

Glancin' at the left one
Gazin' at the right one
Gotta flip a coin now...
Which pocket should I pick...?

[Chorus]

It’s Taxday, Taxday
O-M-G! it's Taxday
None of my buddies pay them on the fifteenth, fifteenth
Taxday, Taxday
Food tastes better on Taxday
You know I'll be spreadin' the wealth... on the fifteenth (yeah)

Czar-y-in’, Czar-y-in’, (Yeah)
Czar-y-in’, Czar-y-in’, (Yeah)
Spread, Spread, Spread, Spread
Lookin’ forward to the fair-ness

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today is Taxday, Taxday
I-I-I so excited
I so excited
I gonna take it all to-day...
Tomorrow is the sixteenth
And the seventeenth comes after...wards
I don’t want April Fifteenth to end.........

[Rap Verse]

MC Rebecca Barack
He chillin’ on the front nine (on the front nine)
On the back nine (on the back nine)
He's driving, pitchin'
Using clubs, switchin’ clubs
Wit' a shot in the sand...
Get a caddy now, to go dig it out
Mulligan, mulligan, it didn't happen
Just like the first two years of his presidency
We still blamin' Bush for the last eight years, nevermind...

[Chorus]

It’s Taxday, Taxday
Love be-ing me on Taxday
My cronies get your money on the fifteenth, fifteenth
Taxday, Taxday
Growin' the gov on Taxday
You know we'll be fattenin' up... on the fifteenth (Yeah)

Czar-y-in’, Czar-y-in’, (Yeah)
Czar-y-in’, Czar-y-in’, (Yeah)
Spread, Spread, Spread, Spread
Lookin’ forward to the fair-ness

[repeat and fade]

Bazooka Barry and His Gang Revisited

2011-04-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin Special Election: Kloppenburg is the Winner... of Our Hearts

2011-04-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

After a topsy turvy few days which culminated in discovery of a computer error sending 7,000+ votes her opponent Prosser's way, it appears the Wisconsin special election has turned, and Joanne Kloppenburg has officially "lost".

But we just wanted to say Joanne, that while you may have lost in terms of "number of votes", you won the only victory that matters.... the victory of our hearts.

Sure, the Rethuglicans and Teabaggers will be gloating for the next several days, making speeches, dancing around, doing victory laps and performing certain unnameable acts with dessert stuffs, but what they cannot do is claim the higher moral ground.

Wars are not won one little meaningless special election at a time. They are won through engaging people on a non-visceral, spiritual level. You have done that to us, Joanne. You have done that to everyone who voted for you.

And those that voted for you, they can be consoled by this fact. All the union money that was spent on this election was not for naught, it was not "blown"... because it went for a good cause. And good causes are good. That's why they are called "good causes". And yes, you can rest assured we will surely win the next special election, and if Prosser-Kloppenburg ('scuse us, "Kloppenburg-Prosser") was to play out again right now, I would even be willing to bet that you would prevail, Joanne. We would prevail because we know we are right. And knowing is half the battle.

Chaucer once said that justice is a long and winding road. Today we hit a bump in that road and our big open truck full of brightly colored fruits and vegetables went flying all over the intersection in super-slo-mo Matrix style IMAX 3D bullet-time for the teabaggers to replay over and over again in their minds and blogs for at least the next week or so. But they cannot claim the moral victory, and the moral victory is what we have all our own.

So let their candidate "win"... let him sit there on the court making all his little decisions, and let him think deep down about what he truly is, and what he has done, and let him ruminate over that for a while.

They hit their game-winning shot, but it came after the buzzer. The refs blew the call and they should have gone home losers because they lost fair and square. That's what anyone with any true character would do. But they are Republicans and they will not do that, so we will exit the stadium knowing that we're the ones who really won the game, and at the end of the day, isn't that all that matters?

We will know deep down in ourselves that we are the true winners of this election, that Joanne and our side comported ourselves with dignity, style, grace and good humor, while they set vicious animals alight and cavorted around with disgusting sexual innuendo while smiling and laughing and dancing and high fiving each other in an endless circle of complete and utter devastating flame-retardant electoral victory.

But we will not be broken. Our spirits are as soaring high, Joanne, as high as your vote tally was on Tuesday night and for most of Wednesday and Thursday. And that you came so close to winning a statewide election despite the fact that you could scare the very siding off of a house, has not gone unnoticed in these quarters.

We know who the real winners are in this week's special election. You won something that cannot be counted by mere "votes" alone. You get more than just a gold star from us. You also get the Participation Trophy.

Thank you for your participation, Joanne.

You lost out on a seat, but you have won something they cannot. You have won the victory.... the victory of the human heart.

Obama Apologizes to Libya For Missile Strikes

2011-03-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday, as the bombs rained down on specific targets inside Libya, President Obama was busy preparing a historic unprecedented speech, in which he would apologize for America's atrocities at the same exact time it was committing them.

Last evening, Obama gave that speech.

"In America, there’s a failure to appreciate the wonderfulness of the arab world, and all that the Muslims have contributed to modern society", he said. "The arrogance with which we hold our heads up as the universe's policemen hurts me, almost as much as it hinders world progress. In short, we are sorry for all this bombing that I have unilaterally ordered."

A little later on, he continued, "In a world that is as complex as it is, it is very important for us to be able to forge partnerships as opposed to simply dictating solutions. Therefore, from the bottom of my aching heart, I apologize for all these missiles.”

"It's true that our government has made decisions based on fear rather than foresight, that all too often we trimmed facts and evidence to fit ideological predispositions, and then started dropping bombs on you. If the people of Libya listen carefully, you should be able to hear these words. 'Bang. I'm sorry. Bang. I'm sorry. Bang. I'm sorry.'"

Finally, he concluded with the following stirring words, "It is not and will never be America's place to be the moral rulers of mankind, as we too have made mistakes of our own, including those this very week in your nation. On behalf of America and its wide array of historical moral failings, including but not limited to, slavery, segregation and Islamophobia, I am sorry. I am sorry for what we've been, I'm sorry for what we are and I am sorry for what we have become. I'm also sorry once again for the missiles."

Special Advertisting Section - ObamaCare

2011-02-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

President Obama Orders Own Speeches Sent Into Turmoil-Stricken Egypt

2011-01-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

In a bold move of solidarity with the citizens of Egypt, and also the rule of law, this morning President Obama took action and ordered hundreds of thousands of copies of his own speeches into the distressed nation, effective immediately.

"There exists a wall of separation between the people of Egypt, and my speeches," Obama said in prepared remarks earlier today. "That wall of division is too much for any people to handle with pastoral serenity, and thus there is now uprising. Mr. Mubarak... Mr. Mubarak... Mr. Mubarak... tear down this wall."

The speech collection includes many of his most unprecedented works, including the Speech on Race, the Speech to the Muslim World, and the Speech to Convince Everybody That Healthcare is Good. These works of incredible austerity and solid human emotion have the ability to stop oceans from rising, and to make a lonely planet heal. A few minor protests here and there will simply be no match for those dulcet tones.

"This is about human rights," Obama continued, "we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, listening to my speeches, and the pursuit of happiness. This country was founded on an idea. The idea that a simple man like myself, born to an immigrant father and a single impoverished mother, could one day be sitting right here as the most powerful man in the world, and talking to you. But it's not just about me. It's about you. And me."

President Obama has not given any indication what the next steps are beyond everyone in Egypt listening to his speeches, but we at The Mega Independent are sure that whatever it is will be well deliberated.

Veering off the script of his prepared remarks, Obama momentarily opened up and spoke from the heart. "To the people of Egypt, let me tell you what I was thinking about this morning. I have thought long and hard about your struggle over the last 24 hours, and there's something I've come to realize. You see, the world, well, it's like a giant golf course. And Egypt, is just one big sandtrap. And sandtraps, though not inherently good, do serve a purpose during a 9 or 18 hole round."

Immediately, his handlers jumped in and tried to stop him from saying any more, but he held his hand up, closed his eyes, and insisted on continuing.

"Egypt, much like a sandtrap, is like a challenge to everyone. An obstacle. And right now the Ball of Bedlam is stuck there, and it's going to take a steady hand and a keen eye to get us all out onto the Green of Gratification. And though in the end, we may be a few Strokes of Struggle over par, the important thing is we all learned something."

At that moment, it was announced over the loudspeaker that the speech was over and everyone should leave the room immediately, but Obama persevered at the microphone and drew out his thoughts some more to a stunned and transfixed audience. His handlers then yelled "Fire!!! Fire!! There is a FIRE!!!!!" and yet everyone sat in rapt attention, as the President hung in.

"No, no, I've got this one. You see, in order to be better at WorldGolf, we must try our hardest to keep it on the Fairway of Frankness. And if that doesn't work, we must then be conscious of where the Winds of Wishes are blowing, and then the Sand Wedge of Social Justice will carry us all right through the Putt of Progress and into the Hole of Happiness. Thank you."

No, President Obama. Thank you. For that amazing metaphor. Maybe you should send them that speech, too.

Obama's 2011 SOTU Translated Into Layman's - For Internal Distribution Only

2011-01-26T07:43:00.000-08:00

State of the Union 2011
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and {cough} {cough} ahem {cough} {cough}...

Tonight I want to begin by congratulating the men and women of the 112th Congress, as well as your new Speaker, John Boehner.

Bipartisanship, baby. Listen to my humility. I'm so humble, it hurts.

And as we mark this occasion, we are also mindful of the empty chair in this Chamber, and pray for the health of our colleague - and our friend – Gabby Giffords.

And those who would dare politicize this tragedy by libeling their political enemies, and good hard-working Americans, with widespread voices of media savagery, I say, shame on you. Oh wait, just kidding!

It's no secret that those of us here tonight have had our differences over the last two years.

And I've lead into that with the Tuscon shooting, implying by connection that it had something to do with "our differences". Pretty clever, huh?

The debates have been contentious; we have fought fiercely for our beliefs.

And now people have been shot. Are you happy, Tea Partiers??? With your divisive rhetoric???

And that's a good thing. That's what a robust democracy demands. That's what helps set us apart as a nation.

Oh, I mean, "that's a good thing". No really, it is. It's good. The talking is good. The shooting that came from it isn't so good.

But there's a reason the tragedy in Tucson gave us pause. Amid all the noise and passions and rancor of our public debate, Tucson reminded us that no matter who we are or where we come from, each of us is a part of something greater – something more consequential than party or political preference.

That connection I made earlier? Ignore it. There's no connection between a shooting and our national political debate. That's why I'm talking about both at the same time. To refute that very idea! There's nothing subliminal going on when I talk about both at once. Don't connect the two. They're unrelated!

We are part of the American family. We believe that in a country where every race and faith and point of view can be found, we are still bound together as one people; that we share common hopes and a common creed; that the dreams of a little girl in Tucson are not so different than those of our own children, and that they all deserve the chance to be fulfilled. That, too, is what sets us apart as a nation.

Hope and Change, baby.

Now, by itself, this simple recognition won't usher in a new era of cooperation. What comes of this moment is up to us. What comes of this moment will be determined not by whether we can sit together tonight, but whether we can work together tomorrow.

And this moment will determine whether together... we can thrive. (tm).

I believe we can. I believe we must. That's what the people who sent us here expect of us. With their votes, they've determined that governing will now be a shared responsibility between parties.

Instead of just those nasty Republicans, who ruined this country with eight years of failed policies.

New laws will only pass with support from Democrats and Republicans. We will move forward

Move forward. Make progress. You know, like progressives.

together, or not at all – for the challenges we face are bigger than party, and bigger than politics. At stake right now is not who wins the next election

LOL, you know I'm already campaigning, right?

– after all, we just had an election.

But that's never stopped me from campaigning before!

At stake is whether new jobs and industries take root in this country, or somewhere else.

At stake is my reelection.

It's whether the hard work and industry of our people is rewarded.

It's whether you will vote for me, or vote for someone else.

It's whether we sustain the leadership that has made America not just a place on a map, but a light to the world.

And you can tell that's what's at stake because I start referring to America as a "light to the world", instead of apologizing for it all the time.

We are poised for progress.

Progress! Progressive? It's the root! See? It's a good word!

Two years after the worst recession most of us have ever known,

Bush's fault.

the stock market has come roaring back. Corporate profits are up. The economy is growing again.

Change! Hey, did you even notice I didn't mention how employment's doing? Pretty good, huh? Sounded like I covered all the bases.

But we have never measured progress by these yardsticks alone.

Progress! I did it again. You'll come to love that word, America.

We measure progress by the success of our people. By the jobs they can find and the quality of life those jobs offer. By the prospects of a small business owner who dreams of turning a good idea into a thriving enterprise.

Thriving. Together We Thrive (tm)

By the opportunities for a better life that we pass on to our children.

Debt? What debt?

That's the project the American people want us to work on. Together.

Together. Together We Thrive (tm)

We did that in December. Thanks to the tax cuts we passed, Americans' paychecks are a little bigger today.

That tax cut was yet another one of the "failed policies of the last eight years" that I have adopted. Funny how I keep doing that.

Every business can write off the full cost of the new investments they make this year. These steps, taken by Democrats and Republicans,

Notice I said "taken by Democrats"? You should really get used to hearing those words.

will grow the economy and add to the more than one million private sector jobs created last year.

Add that to the 7 bajillion jobs we saved last year, and you'll see that business is booming!

But we have more work to do.

But we have more money to spend.

The steps we've taken over the last two years may have broken the back of this recession

Change!

– but to win the future, we'll need to take on challenges that have been decades in the making.

Bush's fault.

Many people watching tonight can probably remember a time when finding a good job meant showing up at a nearby factory or a business downtown.

Not that I've ever shown up at a factory or nearby business for a job, but here I go with my everyman part of my speech. I understand you.

You didn't always need a degree, and your competition was pretty much limited to your neighbors.

I understand you.

If you worked hard, chances are you'd have a job for life, with a decent paycheck, good benefits, and the occasional promotion. Maybe you'd even have the pride of seeing your kids work at the same company.

I understand you.

That world has changed. And for many, the change has been painful. I've seen it in the shuttered windows of once booming factories, and the vacant storefronts of once busy Main Streets. I've heard it in the frustrations of Americans who've seen their paychecks dwindle or their jobs disappear – proud men and women who feel like the rules have been changed in the middle of the game.

I'm not a witch. I am you.

They're right. The rules have changed. In a single generation, revolutions in technology have transformed the way we live, work and do business. Steel mills that once needed 1,000 workers can now do the same work with 100. Today, just about any company can set up shop, hire workers, and sell their products wherever there's an internet connection.

And together we can put a stop to that, if we just tax everything with a "Global Warming Surcharge".

Meanwhile, nations like China and India realized that with some changes of their own, they could compete in this new world. And so they started educating their children earlier and longer, with greater emphasis on math and science.

We must remove the children from the crude influence of their families

They're investing in research and new technologies. Just recently, China became home to the world's largest private solar research facility, and the world's fastest computer.

Communism! See?

So yes, the world has changed.

Change.

The competition for jobs is real.

And there's the new way to describe high unemployment: competition

But this shouldn't discourage us. It should challenge us. Remember – for all the hits we've taken these last few years, for all the naysayers predicting our decline,

And remember - I was one of them,

America still has the largest, most prosperous economy in the world.

And the Democrats and myself would still have a chance to fix that, if it wasn't for those meddling voters!

No workers are more productive than ours. No country has more successful companies, or grants more patents to inventors and entrepreneurs. We are home to the world's best colleges and universities, where more students come to study than any other place on Earth.

Sounds like a place that any American can and should be most proud of for their entire lives. Uh, errrr, {cough} {cough} ahem.

What's more, we are the first nation to be founded for the sake of an idea – the idea that each of us deserves the chance to shape our own destiny.

Here I go. The conservative talk gets them every time.

That is why centuries of pioneers and immigrants have risked everything to come here. It's why our students don't just memorize equations, but answer questions like "What do you think of that idea? What would you change about the world? What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I don't really know what this means. Because two seconds ago, I said we needed to focus more on math and science, and suddenly I'm getting all artsy-schmartsy and "no answer is wrong" again.

The future is ours to win.

And only someone who didn't understand either the concept of A. "winning" or B. "the future" would ever talk about "winning the future".

But to get there, we can't just stand still.

We need to move forward. To make progress. Progressive. Remember that word. Please???

As Robert Kennedy told us, "The future is not a gift. It is an achievement." Sustaining the American Dream has never been about standing pat. It has required each generation to sacrifice, and struggle, and meet the demands of a new age.

Progressive. P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E. Progressive.

Now it's our turn. We know what it takes to compete for the jobs and industries of our time.

Taxes.

We need to out-innovate, out-educate, and out-build the rest of the world.

Spending.

We have to make America the best place on Earth to do business.

Because from businesses we get taxes and that's where all the real progress is made.

We need to take responsibility for our deficit, and reform our government.

Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, we need to start talking about the deficit and MUST reform our government.

That's how our people will prosper. That's how we'll win the future. And tonight, I'd like to talk about how we get there.

And we're winning the future again. Because the future is like a game show. Or maybe the future is like a prize on a game show. Tell them what they've won, Johnny. You've won a trip to Puerto Vallarta! And you've also won.... the Futurrrrre!!!!

The first step in winning the future is encouraging American innovation.

Spending.

None of us can predict with certainty what the next big industry will be, or where the new jobs will come from.

By "us", I of course mean my administration.

Thirty years ago, we couldn't know that something called the Internet would lead to an economic revolution.

See? The internet was a revolution. The internet is good, and so therefore revolutions are good. So is progress. Are you paying attention?

What we can do – what America does better than anyone – is spark the creativity and imagination of our people.

Spending.

We are the nation that put cars in driveways and computers in offices; the nation of Edison and the Wright brothers; of Google and Facebook. In America, innovation doesn't just change our lives. It's how we make a living.

Innovation is how we make a living. Just before we win the future.

Our free enterprise system is what drives innovation.

How about that conservative talk folks? Are you buying it? I said "free enterprise".

But because it's not always profitable for companies to invest in basic research, throughout history our government has provided cutting-edge scientists and inventors with the support that they need.

Screw free enterprise! You hear me, America??? Screw free enterprise!!!!

That's what planted the seeds for the Internet. That's what helped make possible things like computer chips and GPS.

Spending.

Just think of all the good jobs – from manufacturing to retail – that have come from those breakthroughs.

And to think, I'm responsible for it all! Hope and Change, baby!

Half a century ago, when the Soviets beat us into space with the launch of a satellite called Sputnik¸ we had no idea how we'd beat them to the moon. The science wasn't there yet. NASA didn't even exist. But after investing in better research and education, we didn't just surpass the Soviets

Notice we merely "surpassed" the Soviets. We don't want to offend anyone by saying we "creamed" them or "beat them like rented mules".

we unleashed a wave of innovation that created new industries and millions of new jobs.

Spending.

This is our generation's Sputnik moment.

Because there's nothing Americans love more than being compared to the Commies. Also, I'm saying we've hit our peak and the rest of the world is about to pass us by.

Two years ago, I said that we needed to reach a level of research and development we haven't seen since the height of the Space Race.

Two years ago, I said a lot of things.

In a few weeks, I will be sending a budget to Congress that helps us meet that goal.

A budget? What's that?

We'll invest in biomedical research, information technology, and especially clean energy technology – an investment that will strengthen our security, protect our planet, and create countless new jobs for our people.

Spending.

Already, we are seeing the promise of renewable energy. Robert and Gary Allen are brothers who run a small Michigan roofing company.

I received a letter. Nah, I think the ObamaCare debacle killed the whole "letter" thing.

After September 11th, they volunteered their best roofers to help repair the Pentagon. But half of their factory went unused, and the recession hit them hard.

Boooooooosh.

Today, with the help of a government loan, that empty space is being used to manufacture solar shingles that are being sold all across the country. In Robert's words, "We reinvented ourselves."

Spending!

That's what Americans have done for over two hundred years: reinvented ourselves. And to spur on more success stories like the Allen Brothers, we've begun to reinvent our energy policy.

Change.

We're not just handing out money.

We're taking it, too!

We're issuing a challenge. We're telling America's scientists and engineers that if they assemble teams of the best minds in their fields, and focus on the hardest problems in clean energy, we'll fund the Apollo Projects of our time.

Shhhh. I won't mention that we're "funding" it with your money. That never goes over well. But funding sure sounds good.

At the California Institute of Technology, they're developing a way to turn sunlight and water into fuel for our cars.

In Oregon, they're doing it with rainbows. And in Massachusetts, you will one day be flying in a spacecar powered only by clouds, and the imaginations of young children.

At Oak Ridge National Laboratory, they're using supercomputers to get a lot more power out of our nuclear facilities.

Nuclear? Whoops, more conservative talk. Americans are gonna lap that up. Moderate!

With more research and incentives,

Spending!

we can break our dependence on oil with biofuels, and become the first country to have 1 million electric vehicles on the road by 2020.

And electricity comes from unicorns!

We need to get behind this innovation.

Spending!

And to help pay for it,

Spending?

I'm asking Congress to eliminate the billions in taxpayer dollars we currently give to oil companies.

But those billions aren't coming back to you, the taxpayer. Oh, is that what you think I'm gonna do with it? Give it back? Hahahahahahahahaha. It's MIIIIIIINNNNE.

I don't know if you've noticed, but they're doing just fine on their own.

And I don't know if you've noticed, but the government isn't. So we need to "spread the misery around".

So instead of subsidizing yesterday's energy, let's invest in tomorrow's.

Spending!

Now, clean energy breakthroughs will only translate into clean energy jobs if businesses know there will be a market for what they're selling.

And so government will simply create the market via fiat. That always works!

So tonight, I challenge you to join me in setting a new goal: by 2035, 80% of America's electricity will come from clean energy sources.

Clean energy sources... like bunnies.

Some folks want wind and solar.

Some folks want to bathe in $100 bills.

Others want nuclear, clean coal, and natural gas.

Others want dames. Lots and lots of dames.

To meet this goal, we will need them all – and I urge Democrats and Republicans to work together to make it happen.

Fiat, baby! Fiat! We tell the markets what to do and it just happens, baby! Now excuse me, I have to go refill the Skittle machine with my Number 2.

Maintaining our leadership in research and technology is crucial to America's success. But if we want to win the future – if we want innovation to produce jobs in America and not overseas

Spending!

– then we also have to win the race to educate our kids.

Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted.

Think about it. Over the next ten years, nearly half of all new jobs will require education that goes beyond a high school degree.

But remember earlier when I said none of us predict where the next "innovation" would come from? That was just a bunch of pablum they thought you'd like. In reality, I can predict everything.

And yet, as many as a quarter of our students aren't even finishing high school. The quality of our math and science education lags behind many other nations.

Look for the union label.

America has fallen to 9th in the proportion of young people with a college degree. And so the question is whether all of us – as citizens, and as parents – are willing to do what's necessary to give every child a chance to succeed.

Spending!

That responsibility begins not in our classrooms, but in our homes and communities. It's family that first instills the love of learning in a child. Only parents can make sure the TV is turned off and homework gets done.

And only the State can make sure that parents are making sure the TV is turned off and homework is getting done.

We need to teach our kids that it's not just the winner of the Super Bowl who deserves to be celebrated, but the winner of the science fair; that success is not a function of fame or PR, but of hard work and discipline.

But all the same, congratulations Michael Vick!!!

Our schools share this responsibility.

And since you pay for our schools, so do you. Are you following this yet?

When a child walks into a classroom, it should be a place of high expectations and high performance. But too many schools don't meet this test.

Look for the union label.

That's why instead of just pouring money into a system that's not working, we launched a competition called Race to the Top. To all fifty states, we said, "If you show us the most innovative plans to improve teacher quality and student achievement, we'll show you the money."

Spending!

Race to the Top is the most meaningful reform of our public schools in a generation. For less than one percent of what we spend on education each year, it has led over 40 states to raise their standards for teaching and learning. These standards were developed, not by Washington, but by Republican and Democratic governors throughout the country. And Race to the Top should be the approach we follow this year as we replace No Child Left Behind with a law that is more flexible and focused on what's best for our kids.

We're more than halfway through this thing and I've finally mentioned something I've done. It's a government program! Wheeeeeeeeeeee.

You see, we know what's possible for our children when reform isn't just a top-down mandate, but the work of local teachers and principals; school boards and communities.

This sounds pretty obvious, but it isn't! Really, this is something that four people had to think about before committing it to this speech!

Take a school like Bruce Randolph in Denver. Three years ago, it was rated one of the worst schools in Colorado; located on turf between two rival gangs. But last May, 97% of the seniors received their diploma. Most will be the first in their family to go to college. And after the first year of the school's transformation, the principal who made it possible wiped away tears when a student said "Thank you, Mrs. Waters, for showing… that we are smart and we can make it."

I received a letter. Just kidding!

Let's also remember that after parents, the biggest impact on a child's success comes from the man or woman at the front of the classroom.

Look for the union label.

In South Korea, teachers are known as "nation builders." Here in America, it's time we treated the people who educate our children with the same level of respect. We want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones.

But I still won't mention unions!!!

And over the next ten years, with so many Baby Boomers retiring from our classrooms, we want to prepare 100,000 new teachers in the fields of science, technology, engineering, and math.

Spending!

In fact, to every young person listening tonight who's contemplating their career choice: If you want to make a difference in the life of our nation; if you want to make a difference in the life of a child – become a teacher. Your country needs you.

Don't become a nasty entrepreneur. Those people never changed or shaped anything.

Of course, the education race doesn't end with a high school diploma. To compete, higher education must be within reach of every American.

Spending!

That's why we've ended the unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that went to banks, and used the savings to make college affordable for millions of students.

Those new bank fees you're facing? Well now you know where they're going.

And this year, I ask Congress to go further, and make permanent our tuition tax credit – worth $10,000 for four years of college.

Spending!

Because people need to be able to train for new jobs and careers in today's fast-changing economy, we are also revitalizing America's community colleges.

Spending!!!!!!

Last month, I saw the promise of these schools at Forsyth Tech in North Carolina. Many of the students there used to work in the surrounding factories that have since left town. One mother of two, a woman named Kathy Proctor, had worked in the furniture industry since she was 18 years old. And she told me she's earning her degree in biotechnology now, at 55 years old, not just because the furniture jobs are gone, but because she wants to inspire her children to pursue their dreams too. As Kathy said, "I hope it tells them to never give up."

Hey did I mention that I found this out in a letter? No? Yeah, letters don't poll so good anymore. Look that way!

If we take these steps – if we raise expectations for every child, and give them the best possible chance at an education, from the day they're born until the last job they take – we will reach the goal I set two years ago: by the end of the decade, America will once again have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world.

And all because I knew how to tax and how to spend.

One last point about education. Today, there are hundreds of thousands of students excelling in our schools who are not American citizens. Some are the children of undocumented workers, who had nothing to do with the actions of their parents. They grew up as Americans and pledge allegiance to our flag, and yet live every day with the threat of deportation. Others come here from abroad to study in our colleges and universities. But as soon as they obtain advanced degrees, we send them back home to compete against us. It makes no sense.

I received a letter from a Chico Escuela, a migrant worker that came here via unintentional catapult. He said "Mr. Obama, I just want a job and an education, and to be a good American just like you so I can live the American dream. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all." {whispering compassionately} Indivisible. With liberty and justice for all. {biting lip} But he does not have liberty. And his people are most divisible. And there is no justice for him. If there is no justice for Mr. Escuela, then there can be no justice for any of us. As Americans. Americans who love this country and who love freedom. The freedom to innovate and invest. The freedom to {end whisper}

Now, I strongly believe that we should take on, once and for all, the issue of illegal immigration. I am prepared to work with Republicans and Democrats to protect our borders, enforce our laws and address the millions of undocumented workers who are now living in the shadows. I know that debate will be difficult and take time. But tonight, let's agree to make that effort. And let's stop expelling talented, responsible young people who can staff our research labs, start new businesses, and further enrich this nation.

Boilerplate!

The third step in winning the future is rebuilding America. To attract new businesses to our shores, we need the fastest, most reliable ways to move people, goods, and information – from high-speed rail to high-speed internet.

And with all that, the future can be full of win. Lolcat, roflcopters, Khaaaan. +1!!!!

[.....End Part 1....]

Obama SOTU 2011 Live Blog

2011-01-25T17:35:00.001-08:00

The Mega Independent. With minute by minute coverage of the State of the Union 2011.

Timeline
8:57 PM: Just waiting to get a look at the president.

9:05 PM: OMG THERE HE IS. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:09 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:15 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:21 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:27 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:31 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:36 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

9:42 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

10:01 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

10:08 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

10:12 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

10:15 PM: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Whew. That was some amazing speech. The Mega Independent, working for you.

Green Recipe #156 - Lettuce Soup With Tabouli Curry Biscuit Infusion

2011-01-20T06:45:00.000-08:00

Learn how to go green with The Mega Independent! This delectable meal starter is healthy for you and kind to the environment.

Lettuce Soup With Tabouli Curry Biscuit Infusion
Ingredients

1/2 cup tabouli
1 cup hemp milk
1 block soy cheese (finely grated)
1 head lettuce
2 tbs curry powder
1 sprig mint (for garnish)

Instructions

1. Drop the head of lettuce into 8 cups of boiling water. After ten minutes, turn the flame off and allow to steep overnight.

2. In the morning, fish the lettuce out with a pair of lettuce tongs. Strain the broth into medium sized bowl. Set aside.

3. Place the cooked tabouli in another bowl and mix with curry powder. Mash.

4. Take the tabouli curry mix and press onto baking sheet. Flatten top with mallet.

5. Bake at 350 degrees for 35 minutes until middle is crispy and top appears dark and inedible. Cool on wire rack and then slice into one inch squares.

6. Mix lettuce broth and hemp milk with hand blender until foamy. Add grated soy cheese and continue mixing on high speed until soup base is tender. Return to pan.

7. Simmer soup base over medium heat and when mixture begins to bubble, add the baked tabouli squares. Simmer for five more minutes for full flavor infusion.

Serve soup in a recyclable paper cup. Garnish with mint.

Happy being oh-so-kind to Mother Earth! She will return the favor by making the tornadoes smaller.

Tea Party Refuses to Moderate Rhetoric, Incites Tucson Victim Into Threatening to Murder Them

2011-01-15T23:48:00.001-08:00

Eric Fuller, a victim of last Saturday's possibly Tea Party inspired massacre that killed six and wounded 13 others is now himself the latest victim of Tea Party incitement. Just one week after the monstrous attack that may or may not have been politically motivated, Mr. Fuller was driven into threatening to kill Tea Party spokesman Trent Humphries, who had just made some inflammatory comments of his own.

This is how far people are being pushed by the Tea Party, and it looks like Fuller's crime, for which he has now been arrested, is standing up to merely say "I've had enough". And also, "I'm going to kill you".

When will this Tea Party madness end? Did they not hear the President's clarion call for everyone to moderate the rhetoric and start thriving together?

"This is just another disturbing example of how the Tea Party and conservatives in general are pushing people in this country over the edge," explained a Democrat strategist. "Some right wingers have forcefully argued all week that the Tea Party's pattern of dangerous, violent rhetoric had absolutely nothing to do with last week's shootings. Fine, but how are they going to explain this one away? This man was clearly inspired by the Tea Party. In fact, he specifically mentioned one of their leaders!"

The bottom line is, if it wasn't for the Tea Party, the victim Mr. Fuller would have been guilty of absolutely no crime at all. You cannot get in trouble for making threats against something that doesn't exist. Solutions to societal ills are rarely simple, but this one is abundantly clear. No Tea Party, no threats. No Tea Party, no violence. No Tea Party, no problem. It doesn't take an Einstein to figure out the answer.

Public Service Announcement

2011-01-14T06:50:00.001-08:00

Obama's Moment

2011-01-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

Say what you want about about the tragedy in Tucson, this was Obama's time to shine. I turned on my TV last night and sat transfixed as I watched a one-term President reach down inside and find the second term that lurked deep within.

The tone was pitch perfect, like an unfinished Beethoven composition suddenly completed from Heaven above. I was both soothed and moved, not so much at the victims (we've had days to think about and reflect on them), but at how presidential Obama was. On a scale of one to Presidential, he was Very Presidential. Last night wasn't about right or left, conservative or liberal, Democrat or Republican. It was about President Obama and the way his dulcet notes can heal a nation in a time of prodigious longing.

The Democrats proved last night beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are not just the party of any one side, they are truly America's Party. They know how to put on a show and rock the house when angst beckons at our door. Let me ask you a question. Who do you want in charge? Some party that is going to light candles, sing a few hymns, mourn with so-called "decorum" and then march us all into some illegal war? Or do you want a party that's going to throw an actual party?

What do you want to hear? Slow, boring "Amazing Grace" for the fiftieth time? Or "Go Ba-rack. Go Ba-rack. You're the President. You're the President."?

I know my answer.

I like parties. Everyone likes parties. Funerals are so depressing and passe. Obama promised change, and last night, we got more of it. He earned a standing ovation, not just from the roomful of people who rightfully worship him at a time when people desperately need someone, anyone to genuflect to, but also a standing ovation from my heart. I'll tell you what I learned last night - there's nothing like a memorial to remind us all of how to come alive!

Obama took those mass murder lemons and he made lemonade. Cool, refreshing lemonade, to quench our audacious national thirst, and not a moment too soon. We are a nation that finally has had enough partisanship and sniping. A country that has had it up to here with slick politicians who don't know how to poignantly crystallize a moment the way Obama did last night.

I wept at the end of Obama's speech, not for the victims or their families, but more at Obama's greatness. Say what you want, we have never seen a President like this. This wasn't mere Clintonian Triangulation, Obama went pure hexagon. This was double reverse triangulation by the new master of political geometry, President Barack Obama.

That cheering you heard every four words was the cheering in American hearts all across the land. When I heard the news on Saturday, my first thought after hoping everyone would be okay was, "Will we ever cheer again?". My addendum was, "And possibly even this week?"

And my question was answered last night, with a resounding "yes". My next question shortly thereafter was, "Could this be Barack Obama's 9/11?".

Yes it can, my friends. Yes it can.

A thank you, Mr. President, for giving us an historic, unprecedented speech of a lifetime. Again. Thank you for rallying our hearts and our minds, after days of hearing nothing but politicizing of this terrible tragedy from sick, deranged far right wingers. Slobbering mongrels from the Palin Wing who irresponsibly want nothing more than a country full of the twisted violence we saw on one sunny Saturday afternoon in Tucson. One sunny Saturday afternoon that was actually just a few days ago.

Thank you, Mr. President, for bringing us together in our time of exigency, and for crucially turning tragedy into triumph, the way only cartoon superheroes could do previously. But most of all, thank you for the t-shirt. Together We Thrive indeed.

You know, that would make one heck of a campaign slogan.

Frank Finger is a seven-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for the Mega Independent. His best selling book, "The Conservatives: Why Did They Do This To Us?" is now in paperback. And his new book, "How ObamaCare Saved America, Even Before It Starts" will be in stores on January 25th.

TMI Poll: Dangerous Rhetoric! What Do We Do Now?

2011-01-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

As dangerous political rhetoric has now brought the country to a violent overflowing boil, it is time to start revisiting the question over what speech is still acceptable and what speech goes too far. But before we talk about that, we need to first talk about what can be done to bring the perpetrators of heated rhetoric to justice before they speak or write even more of it in the future.

We polled 7,000 Independent readers to gauge their observations on this divisive issue, and for the first time ever, allowed votes for more than one choice. Thank you for voting!

I Remember Back Before 2008 When Political Rhetoric Was Not Heated

2011-01-09T20:21:00.000-08:00

The heated rhetoric in American politics has been simmering for quite a while, finally boiling over with a horrific mass murder in Arizona this weekend.

But as you'll recall, the crazy political talk only started in 2008. And it's not surprising since there are so many racists out there who hate having a black president. Unfortunately, one only need look to the Tea Party to see where this country has gone wrong in its divisive, violent rhetoric. Before 2008, America was a land where politics was discussed and reported on with sheer frivolity, and spoken of using only fun, safe metaphors.

As you remember, when George W. Bush was president, this country was a place of rational dissent (if you could even call it dissent), where "protesters" spoke and behaved very formally as if right out of Shakespeare. Who can forget when those scamps at Code Pink rushed a stage and tried to gently place handcuffs on Karl Rove for "war crimes" and shouted, "Forsooth, oh merciful tongue! And ye will disavow it, yet I must not. Our remedies in ourselves often do lie."

And we must certainly recall when only peaceful protesters stood near the doors to the Marine recruitment centers in Berkeley, California, how artfully their words were chosen. "Within this hour at most I will advise you where to plant yourselves, ye shall not behold your face at ample view," they casually announced.

And remember when our political commentators were solely composed of the rational and the sane? Like when Keith Olbermann simply went on TV and broadcast his peaceful opinion to all. "But, soft!", he said in a Special Comment in June of 2006, "What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and George W. Bush, whom everyone needs to respect completely at all times, is the sun."

As the animals on the right have lost control over themselves, it is time to not only restrict speech and guns, it is also time to choose our own words more carefully. For example, instead of "battleground state", The Mega Independent will be culling from a list of possible less inflammatory replacements, including, but not limited to, "important states", "states where the race may be close" and "places to watch". We, as the responsible media, must first lead by example. But Dick Cheney is still Hitler.

Merry Christmas, Infidels

2010-12-25T07:59:00.000-08:00

As for those from whom you fear disobedience, admonish them and send them to beds apart and beat them.

Sarah Palin's Latest Stupidity: She Thinks Earth is a Plant

2010-11-26T06:54:00.000-08:00

In a twitter message to her legion of followers the other day, Sarah Palin referred to our home, Earth, as a "plant".

"Can you believe she actually thinks Earth is a plant?", asked one anonymous Democrat Strategist. "If so, then where's all the chlorophyll, genius?!"

"Yeah," asked another, "What kind is it? Let me guess! A rhododendron!"

And here all along, we at The Mega Independent thought Earth was actually a planet, hurtling through space and orbiting the sun for billions and billions of years. Thank goodness Sarah Palin was there to correct us and remind us that we're all just living on a big leafy thing sitting in a pot somewhere.

She later corrected her tweet, claiming that it was a simple typo that anyone could make, but we know the real truth. She doesn't know the difference between planets and plants.

"What happened", asked one longtime Republican campaign manager who asked that he not be named, "Does she think that someone picked us up in the garden section at Home Depot? What an idiot!"

"Yeah," said another, "That must be some big plant! A big round plant!"

One of the main criticisms of Palin since bursting on the political scene is that she lacks the gravitas of basic scientific knowledge that everyone else has. The fact that she thinks Earth is a plant is not going to help her in this regard.

What's next, Sarah? Jupiter is a tree?

Special Advertising Section - Cinemax Double Feature

2010-11-18T21:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight on Cinemax...

Democrats Petition Dancing With the Stars For Brandy vs. Bristol Recount

2010-11-16T20:22:00.000-08:00

Last night's Dancing With the Stars is not without its controversy, as Bristol Palin, the much maligned daughter of former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, skated through into the television show's final round, beating out supreme megastar of the universe, Brandy.

The results of the vote, believed by many to be part of a much grander Tea Party conspiracy, is being questioned by some prominent liberal lawmakers, including Al Franken, the amazing, accomplished senator from Minnesota. "While it appears on the surface that the maligned Bristol Palin won fair and square, it's very possible there may be some 'lost' sets of votes that might possibly turn up in favor of Brandy", remarked a Franken aide. "We just want to make sure the process is fair."

Along with texting and computer voting, apparently many of the votes are still phoned in to old fashioned answering machines, and these machines are often transported via car trunk to central headquarters where they are counted by staffers by hand. "Disenfranchised answering machines", explained an anonymous Capitol Hill Democrat with a wink, "have a habit of turning up in the craziest places".

A report by someone close to DWTS claims that 200,000 votes for Brandy have already been found on a computer server that was mistakenly switched off by a staffer on Tuesday morning.

And reportedly another 80,000 votes for Brandy took a wrong internet turn on Monday night and ended up stalled all night in network traffic.

In addition, more than 50,000 votes were dialed in for the often maligned Bristol on phones with the old fashioned rotary dial and had to be thrown out completely. "Did they mean to dial a five and their finger missed the hole and dialed a seven instead? We just can't reasonably establish 'voter intent' in those cases", said the Franken aide. When you dial a seven on a rotary phone, the rotary dial actually goes past the five on its way to its destination.

"Maybe those voters wanted to vote for Brandy and Bristol once each, and didn't feel like making two separate calls. You just don't know. So we throw out the votes in the interest of complete fairness and integrity."

And while 300,000 or so found votes for Brandy sounds like the recount might be tipping the scales a little bit in favor of the incredibly talented singing superstar who everyone adores, it's fair to note that during the recount process, 2 more votes for Bristol turned up, also.

Added the aide to Franken, "Nothing is more sacred in America than the voting process, and we're going to make sure that every vote gets counted until the outcome is what it should be. Brandy got hosed."

Bazooka Barry and His Gang

2010-11-10T09:01:00.000-08:00

Breaking: Bag of Connecticut Ballots Found on Moon

2010-11-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

The too-close-to-call governor's election in Connecticut took a shocking turn of events early Thursday evening when a scientist at Columbia University spotted a bag of uncounted ballots on the moon.

"So I was just doing some research for a brand new study about craters, and lo and behold what do I see sitting in one? A giant bag of uncounted absentee Connecticut ballots."

What is not yet known is how the ballots got there, but some Democratic strategists propose that it was a bulk delivery that accidentally got rocketed into space within the last week or so.

"Connecticut... Cape Canaveral... those place names sound so similar, don't they?", asked one anonymous White House official. "Someone must have taken a wrong turn, ya know?"

Wrong turn, indeed. The race, which had previously put the Republican Foley up by roughly 5,000 votes was determined way too close to be called, and for good reason. A study out of a Canadian university last year said that votes that got stuffed into a bag and rocketed into space by accident and then later found during the recount process were ten times more likely to be for the Democrat in the race. And who knows how many ballots are in that bag? It's gotta be at least 6,500, which, if the Canadian study is correct, would put Malloy up by a few hundred votes and get him ready for seating in the Governor's mansion.

"I just hope those ballots survive the journey through the Troposphere so they can be counted accurately," remarked a Malloy campaign member with a smirk. "The electoral process in this country is absolutely sacred. And that means ballots that are hidden in car trunks, photocopied and found in mysterious leftover bags, or even ones that are discovered in deep space all need to be counted if we are to stay faithful to our Constitutional principles."

Constitutional principles. Let's see if the Tea Partiers want to complain about that one.

Scientists: "Don't Eat the Pudding"

2010-11-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

A new study out of the University of California Berkeley finds that if you see any pudding in the open air in the next few days, do not eat it.

Don't touch it. No matter how delectably chocolatey (or vanilla-y) it appears, just don't. And you would be better off not really inspecting it too closely, either.

Just trust us.

Institutional Racism Draws Mostly Whites to Stewart Rally

2010-10-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

For those wingnuts out there complaining that the Stewart rally is all white, first of all, we just want to say that it's a comedy rally. Only racists like you would notice the colors of people at comedy rallies.

For years, Hispanics and blacks have been disenfranchised from comedy, so it comes as no surprise to the TMI staff that this rally, a comedy rally having nothing to do with politics at all, would be predominantly white. Maybe when hilariously funny African Americans and Hispanics are given a national platform to do their routines, will we start seeing black and Hispanic people more empowered to attend these rallies. Unlike the Tea Party, we do not fondly wish for the days of minstrel shows and Al Jolson singing "Mammy".

Until the day when, for example, Muslim comedians are given the same platform as everyone else, the structural racism inherent in the system created by the Founders will of course make rallies like this one appear to be relatively white.

The fact that this rally looks just as white as the Glenn Beck political rally a few weeks ago is just another in a long line of black marks on the Tea Party. Actually, it's probably a Tea Partier that came up with the term "black mark". From now on, to show our open-minded tolerance of all races and creeds, we'll refer to "black marks" as "marks of color".

Stewart Rally Draws 5 Crillion

2010-10-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

Early reports from the Washington D.C. mall estimate that 5 crillion people showed up to John Stewart's Rally for Sanity today. This moderate, non-political rally demonstrates that Democrat voters are as engaged as ever, that independents, as always, will be voting Democrat, and progressives will crush everyone in their path on Tuesday, gaining, not losing seats in the House and Senate.

Corporate donations to campaigns will soon be illegal, while Unions will able to donate whatever they want to anyone at anytime. Say goodbye to the Bush tax cuts and hello to Cap and Trade, the new tax on everything. A moderate 10% VAT is now on the table, to stop corporate interests from selling you what they want you to buy, and what you think you want to buy. Government will now takeover whatever industry we have in their sights next. The sane party of liberals will win forever and the insane Tea Party will disband. All because John Stewart drew 5 crillion people. Wait, make that 6 bajillion.

Better luck next time, Rethuglikkklanners. Your rally a few months ago had no one. We have everyone. Sheryl Crow is there. Goodbye Tea Party. In the words of the great Goldfinger, "We don't expect you to talk. We expect you to die."

Teabag Fascist Nazi

2010-10-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag. Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag. Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag. Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag.Teabag teabag teabag.

Fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist. Fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist. Fascist fascist fascist. Fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist.

Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi.

When is the Tea Party going to be regulated so we don't have do deal with things like the upcoming election anymore?

Stupid Christine O'Donnell Doesn't Know That the Constitution Says Whatever Chris Coons Wants it to Say

2010-10-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

Poor Christine O'Donnell. In a debate earlier this week, she made herself out to be an utter fool, not knowing that the Constitution contains whatever Chris Coons, her opponent in the Delaware Senate race, wants it to contain.

"Separation of Church and State" is in there. It's right there in the history books. Maybe someone should read a few of those books to her sometime. I'm sure Chris Coons owns some. Maybe he can lend them to her before the next debate. Also the right to regulate whatever Chris Coons wants to regulate, and to tax people for any reason Chris Coons can come up with. That's in his copy, too. It's called the "Commerce Clause". This witch sorely needs to buy a clue.

Unlike Christine O'Donnell, Chris Coons had absolutely no trouble knowing the most basic facts about what Chris Coons thinks the Constitution says. Just because he got a little tripped up and hasn't memorized every exact word or right contained in it doesn't mean he doesn't know what he thinks the Constitution means. And that's the difference. Christine O'Donnell is all about the so-called "words", and Chris Coons is all about the bigger picture. The much bigger picture. The picture created by Chris Coons.

Maybe if O'Donnell had prepared for the debate and taken the time to really understand Chris Coons' interpretation of the Constitution, rather than her own limited, xenophobic and literal reading of it, she wouldn't have come off looking so dumb. As it stands, Chris Coons outshined her thoroughly in reciting the Chris Coons Version of the Constitution. In fact, it wasn't even close.

Like all Tea Partiers, Christine doesn't even know the most basic fact about the Constitution, which is that it's first and foremost a living document. This means that the interpretations of the same exact words must change, as society changes. This is what the Founding Fathers intended, and this is what Chris Coons understands. For example, "shall not" might have meant "can not" at one time, but now it might mean "should not, but can". The disparity between what Christine O'Donnell said was in the Constitution and what Chris Coons thinks is in there was absolutely mindblowing. And sad for Tea Partiers everywhere.

But O'Donnell's most embarrassing flub came when she asked Coons what the five basic rights enumerated in the First Amendment were, and he didn't answer. That was probably the biggest possible showcase of her utter ignorance. Free advice for the next debate, honey: Next time you want to know what the five basic rights in the First Amendment are, you should probably Google it instead of wasting Chris Coons' valuable time.

The Mega Independent, true to our unbiased objective reporting, is not endorsing anyone in this race.

Campaign 2010 - Number One Issue On Voters' Minds: What is "The Event"?

2010-10-19T05:49:00.000-07:00

A new NBC poll released yesterday finds that most voters this year just want to know what The Event is.

Is it some kind of apocalypse? Alien contact? A time traveling, butt-kicking Hitler clone? Whatever it is, it's a rollercoaster thrillride of nonstop action, and that's apparently what's going to matter most when voters pull the lever this year.

Which party is going to deliver on said thrillride? Is it the boring Republicans and their constant whining about terrorism, debt and spending? Or is it the Democrats, who, should they be voted in for another two seasons, have lots and lots more adventure and suspense in store for the country?

Here is the top list of likely voter concerns, according the NBC poll, dated October 10th:

1. What is The Event
2. Lindsay Lohan
3. The Chilean Miner's Mistress
4. Taylor Swift's New Album
5. Shoes

Democrats Reveal Brand New Search Engine

2010-09-28T08:38:00.001-07:00

In the face of the many lies and half-truths plastered all over the internet, and the "voter ignorance" that is currently sweeping the country, as Senator John Kerry (D-MA) so eloquently put it, the Democrats have unveiled a brand new search engine.

"This is the only way to cut through all the lies and distortions that are out there on the web.", remarked one Democratic Strategist. "Words can be very dangerous. People are fooled too easily. They just need someone to do the heavy information lifting for them and to show them the way forward."

Called "Truthgle", a barb squarely aimed at a current unnamed search giant that staunchly refuses to filter out lies and distortions, the plan is to eventually help take the internet, and the country, to a whole new level of progress.

A top level government official who wished to remain anonymous explained it thusly. "Hopefully, truth will multiply with truth and soon, that will be all that's left. Truth. Then Americans will be able to make informed voting decisions, instead of ones clouded by fear and ignorance. And if we can get Net Neutrality through, the plan is for this to become the #1 search out there, well, actually the only search out there. But don't print that yet."

TMI got to play around a little with Truthgle, and so far we really like what we see! Here are some screenshots:

Happy searching!

Special Advertising Section

2010-09-27T20:37:00.001-07:00

Green Dating Tips

2010-09-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

Global Warming is a problem that we all face, but there are ways to be green without sacrificing love. Here are some tips to be more environmentally conscious in your romantic lives.

* For her: Men waste a lot of energy and release a lot of excess carbon trying to bed you. Always put out on the first date.

* For him: Voicemail is stored on computers which release nasty environmental polluting carbon into the atmosphere. If you call a woman you've been on a date with and she doesn't answer her phone, do not leave a voicemail. Try calling back over and over and letting it ring until she answers.

* For him: The factories that produce chocolate are bastions of industrial waste. Try bringing her some homegrown sprouts instead.

* For her: If he takes you out to a restaurant, do not order any food. Instead give him a speech about how mass produced food is merely a capitalist byproduct of the powerful military-industrial complex, which keeps all the sheep happy and timid in our defenseless little herd. He will admire you for your strong beliefs.

* For him: When we breathe, we let out lots of earth murdering carbon dioxide. If your date is telling you a story, try staring intently at her and holding your breath until you can't hold it anymore. Repeat until the story is finished. The carbon you save will be equivalent to that released by giving a small child a ride to school.

* For him: If you notice she is talking a lot, try putting your finger to her lips and gently whispering to her, "Shhhhh... the Earth needs less carbon dioxide."

* For her: Laughing releases ten times as much carbon as regular respiration. Do not laugh at his jokes or stories. Instead, write "That is a very funny story." on a Post-It and then stick it to his plate.

Remember, the environment is ours to share. Together, we CAN make a difference.

The New Democrat Logo Has Given Me Sexual Liberation

2010-09-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

An Opinion Column by Pauline Chandler

Last month, while I was hiking in the Adirondacks, I came across an injured bear. He was large, with big snarling teeth and claws that could more than likely shred me limb from limb. But while I was face to face with him and his irretrievably crippled leg, I simply laughed. That bear could no more harm me than I could harm a mountain.

Why? Because I have a brain that thinks. He is merely an animal. Where he has instinct to protect his little bear family and make his little bear leg work again, I have thougtful reason and cunning. Where he submits to volatile fire-breathing anger and backwards, cave-dwelling fear, I have informed consent over my emotions. I am superior to him just as I am superior to most of you.

Anger is a potent weapon, and fear is a crusted old motivator, as aged and refined as the wine in my 54 degree chilling cellar. And fear, like wine, tastes lovely in one's political adversaries. But that is only when there's not an election coming up where those in fear get to speak their seldom used minds.

Vote-casting by the unwashed masses is a relic of the 18th century, when that folly-laden gaggle of inbreds entrusted themselves with creating the world's most universally hated country, of which I am alternately very proud and not proud at all to be a part.

Proud on a night when we elected the endearing orator, the ocean-healer and healthcare-saver, Mr. President Barack Obama. And not proud at all in a few short weeks when the so-called "electorate" will put its panic-stricken ursine qualities to paper, and alter the course of human progress, setting all of his hard work back perhaps centuries.

That is why, last Monday, when I got a behind-the-scenes sneak preview of the new logo the Democrats have unveiled - a block letter D inside a circle, sublime in its simplicity, parboiled in its pluperfection - I began to feel things I have rarely felt before. What's more, something deep inside was telling me to act on those feelings. Since then, I have celebrated with not one or two, but with seven different men, one for each night that has passed since the Logo was revealed to me. I am a woman. Not whorish or slutty, but empowered.

When I see the blue D, I am at once entranced and transfixed, taken to a higher level of sexual consciousness. It's the 60's once again and I am tripping on acid and rolling in the mud somewhere in New York while a war that nobody wants rages in a country far, far away. I am liberated.

You see, while the vast declassed fixate blindly on the Logo's masterful design, their social betters are gathered in Washington, constructing pages upon pages of new progressive law. This law will be passed, one way or another, while the sheep sleep in the Logo's perfect light blue hypnosis, to take us all to a place of social justice and transformation, of fairness and true equality. That is what I see when I see the Logo, and it excites me in very special ways.

There was a lady yesterday, at a televised town hall meeting, and she asked the President why he has not done enough to make her life easier. She is struggling mightily, you see, even though she voted for him. She claims, quizzically, that her family is living on mere hot dogs and beans. She does not understand why things are not better for her yet.

Well, when you voted for President Obama, Missy, his promise was not to accompany your "franks and beans" with spoonfuls of dijon mustard, but rather to make things fairer for everyone the world over. That is why it is not up to Obama to "feel" your pain, but rather to "create" a little bit more of it. When you fracture a bone, as the failed policies of the last eight years fractured this country, often times the only fix is for the good doctor to break the bone all the way through, before the healing can truly begin.

So right now, it is Dr. Obama's job to break the bear's bones, to immobilize it in a cast of 100% political silence, while he and the rest of the elected superiors set about fixing things the right way. It is time, and not too late I might add, for our elections to cease, and the world to thoroughly transform. Only then, when the system has been reconstructed, can the cast truly come off. Any sooner and the pain will surely be excruciating. That is by design, I assure you. And with this, I am drenched in anticipation for the future of this country.

So, Miss Obama Supporter, when you emerge from your voiceless hole which you yourself clearly admit that you willingly and smartly voted into power, if you don't recognize the world you are in anymore, do not get angry like some pugnacious, degenerate bear fearfully defending its young and trying to fix its still mangled leg.

Do not swipe at the air with your clipped claws, because that sort of behavior is not becoming of a lady. Rather, be like me. Sit back in your study, use your brain a little bit more, and then have some wine. I recommend a 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild. I picked one up at Sotheby's yesterday and it was delicious.

Pauline Chandler is an independent Nobel Laureate who writes for The Mega Independent.

Scientists: Alarming Rise in Global "Feels Like" Temperature

2010-09-14T06:27:00.000-07:00

While there is now considerable debate about whether there has been an actual rise in global temperatures over the last 20 years, scientists have noted one thing that cannot be debated. It "feels like" it's getting warmer.

Earth climatologists tell us there are two temperatures... the temperature it is and the temperature it feels like. In the winter, this is often known as the "wind chill factor" and in summer it is called the "heat index".

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have gone back through time to study these factors and indexes and have discovered an alarming trend. Despite data showing that the real global temperature has not really increased at all, and may in fact have decreased slightly over the years, it definitely "feels" warmer.

"If it continues to keep feeling warmer and warmer like this," remarked Candy, a world renowned climate scientist, "one day we will all feel so warm that it could totally feel like we're melting and stuff".

If this trend continues, we could wake up one morning and "feel like" the oceans are rising and flooding our coastal cities. We could "feel like" important crops are not getting enough water, which would make it "feel like" there is a sudden food shortage. We might even "feel like" there is a dangerous increase in violent storms and hurricanes, generating panic and fear everywhere and creating a climate that "feels like" worldwide hysteria.

There is yet to be an explanation for this phenomenon, but experts are surmising that it is due to man's impact on the environment. "We're not supposed to be here," said Mohammed Al-Zebuya, an expert on global climate change. "I think the planet doesn't like us and making the temperature feel hotter is her way of saying, 'go, go, get out of here, you people are no good'."

Environmentalists refer to this as the Stop and Go theory of human impact. The Stop and Go theory says that man needs to "Stop" everything we are doing right now, and then "Go", as in "go away" so the Earth can heal with the animals. So regardless of what you hear from Republican deniers, Global Feels Like Warming is a real problem, with what will "feel like" real catastrophic consequences.

The global scientific consensus is that it's time for Democrats to raise taxes on energy. They need to pass Cap and Trade, the gigantic earth-saving energy tax, to stop this trend, before we all "feel like" we're going to die.

9/11/10 - Obama's 600th Day

2010-09-11T18:15:00.001-07:00

President Barack Obama has been in office for 599 days. This is day number 600.

It's been quite a ride for Mr. Obama, one of unique opposition to all of his plans and unprecedented obstacles facing him. Nevertheless, the greatest president ever is nearly halfway through his historic first term.

This is the day we choose to commemorate our amazing leader. So please, let's all sit back and take a quick moment to remember what a struggle it has been for Barack Obama.

And while we're at it, let's never, ever forget it. Thank you.

Hunger Strike Day 1 - Update

2010-09-08T08:49:00.001-07:00

The last presidential election was supposed to usher in an unprecedented era of hope... and change.

But while some things are clearly a lot better now, such as healthcare, race relations and the economy, many are worse. We are still fighting two wars we have no business being in. A certain Republican owned cable channel is still allowed to spread filthy lies and propaganda disguised as "news". And man is still busy polluting the planet with his carbon as we write this. And there are some elections coming up that are going to institute real change (back to the old ways of doing things) if we are not careful.

Thus, certain key TMI staff have come on board with this important hunger initiative in an effort to finally make some people in Washington listen up and begin instituting change on a much grander scale before it's too late.

So, yes, we're hungry, Mr. Obama. We're hungry for reform. And having considered all options, we don't think there's any better way to wake up Congress and the White House than to starve ourselves until we get what we want.

So, Washington... let us tell you what we had for dinner last night. Well, we had a small amount of food because the strike hadn't started yet. But let us tell you what we had for a midnight snack. Nothing. And what did we have when we woke up early this morning feeling more than a little peckish?

Nothing.

In fact, when we arrived at work, we strolled right by the Mega Independent breakfast buffet. Yes, there was a table graced with delectable pancakes and sweet Vermont maple syrup... strawberries and whipped cream... english muffins... sausages... bagels... cream cheese... eggs three ways... and guess how much of it we partook in, Mr. President. Guess how much.

We'll give you a hint: None. So what do you think about that, then?

Like many of our fellow citizens, we watched the President's Address to the Nation last week on TV. It was an amazing speech, filled with uplifting oratory that made our hearts sing with ultrafantastic joy. It was beautiful.

But sometimes, oratory isn't enough and action is needed.

As has long been the case, Republicans have far too much of a voice in our system of government. They have failed us, with thirty years of bankrupt policies that broke our system. And thirty years of broken policies that bankrupted our system. For that, the filibuster must be suspended through the end of the year, so that Congress can pass The Legislation We Need before the Elections By People That Don't Know Anything take effect.

When we get Cap and Trade, Mr. President, we might have a cracker. When we get unconditional Amnesty for all illegals, we might have a piece of fruit. When we get a withdrawal of all troops from all middle eastern countries, without preconditions, we might have a few beans. And when we get a ban on ALL unnecessary energy use, including the implementation of direct government control of all home and business thermostats, light switches and electrical outlets, effective immediately, we might have some pasta with some kind of light primavera mixture.

All we are asking for after that is a bill that guarantees fair wages, housing, insurance and education for all people all the time, regardless of circumstances or anything else. Not just for citizens of the United States, but citizens of the world. As you so eloquently pointed out during your historic campaign, we are all in this together. If you do that, we might have a tofu night.

We also need a bill that, as Mrs. Kathleen Sebelius, the head of your Health and Human Services department said, gives the people a "re-education" on healthcare reform. It's time for that. Come on. Less talky and more setting up of camps. Chop chop. Then maybe we can have some fried rice.

Finally, we only ask for an official restriction on any speech, written, spoken, or transmitted electronically, that impedes any of these aforementioned tasks, an offense with a minimum five year prison sentence, and a maximum punishment of death. Too many things have gotten in the way of change for far too long, Mr. President. It is a capital offense against good opinion to stop this kind of progress. Anyone with sense will agree. Especially after you pass that law. Then, and only then, will we have chili.

But until the above initiatives are ushered in through your electorate-granted fiat, Congress, and until the initiatives are signed by your election-mandated pen, Mr. President, you can expect us here at TMI to go to bed without dinner.

The Most Glorious of Days

2010-09-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

TRYING TO SELL OUR UNIONS SHORT?
SEE YOU ALL IN LABOR COURT!

TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT!
ELECTION OUTCOMES WE DICTATE!

DO THIS FAIR SO NO ONE HURTS!
HAND IT ALL TO THE PURPLE SHIRTS!

The Mega Independent says have a Happy Labor Day.

Or else.

TMI Video Game Reviews

2010-09-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

Video games are pretty hot right now and TMI has the latest unbiased, independent word on what games to get and what games to avoid like the plague!

Proletariat Soldier of Fortune
In this first person shooter, you are Mack, a blue collar drone, armed only with a heart of gold, and a penchant for dishing out social justice one bourgeois body at a time. Although Mack's journey is linear and predictable, his ascent from unthinking robot, flattened under the jackboot of exploitative capitalism, to heavily loaded revolutionary fighter for the cause of the common good, is as satisfying as it is beautiful.

Packed with pulsating sequences of collective liberation, the climactic firefight against the evil CEO inside the First Class airplane lounge must be experienced to be believed, and makes this game a surefire classic. We don't want to spoil the ending, but stepping on the CEO's fingers as he hangs onto the wing of the plane for dear life, only to see him drop 20,000 feet toward the Himalayas, brought tears of joy to our eyes, and our closed fists of solidarity high into the air. We would give this game seven or eight stars if we could. It's the TMI Game of the Month, and a contender for Game of the Year.

Eco Warrior 3: The Ends Justify The Means
Hotter than 50 years of global warming and selling even faster than a factory can belch out a hurricane, this realtime strategy game takes "going green" to a whole new level of ultracool! You... are the Envirofreedom Coalition, and your job is to be as green as absolutely possible. For everything you recycle, for every light you find and turn off (this gets harder throughout the game as you turn off more and more lights), and for every fellow non-player character you convert to the environmental cause, you gain Earthfriend Points (EPs).

Collect enough EP's and your group can then use them to manufacture weapons of mass alteration, which you then strategically place to get Mother Earth out of the grip of consumption and greed, and returned to her rightful non-human owners. A well thought out fantasy, and a must-play for humans all ages.

Rules Committee: Tuesday Night Smackdown
This sports/puzzle game features all the heart-pumping qualities of fierce competition without the interference of silly concepts like "winning" and "losing". You play the head of the Rules Committee, and therefore your sole job (as Alcee Hastings (D) so eloquently put it) is to "make up the rules as you go along". What a wonderful way to teach children that there is no real right or wrong in the world, just different ways of looking at things, all of which deserve our respect and admiration. Also, let nothing like "rules" ever hold you back from achieving your dreams.

Captain Liberty, Jihadi Bagger Extraordinaire
Captain Liberty is a game filled to the brim with obvious right-wing political bias (we at TMI find putting politics into games to be totally contemptible, and the true last refuge of a scoundrel). In it, you're an American soldier fighting a Taliban-like regime somewhere in the Middle East. Your job is to kill "terrorists" in the name of "freedom" because they look different than you and have explosives. But the game ends before we get to see the real terrorism - the ruthless exploitation of the civilian masses and their oil fields. Yes, you heard that right. When all the "terrorists" are dead, the cities are declared "safe" for "liberty", people all over the country mindlessly cheer their new oppressors, and the credits roll. Lame.

USA Defender II: Home of the Brave
You are Jack Strong. You return from a weeklong business trip to find your entire family dead, apparently blown up by a radical group of foreign terrorists. It's now up to you to find the people behind the attack, and kill everyone along the way in this side-scrolling action shooter. More blatant right-wing bias and hypocrisy abounds, as your sole job is to kill a raft of ultra-religious foreigners who happen to be armed to the hilt. No negotiations. No sitting down at a table and talking things out like regular people. Just pure thuggery and intimidation of hapless victims by you, the player.

Throughout the game, you have no real proof that the "terrorists" who are constantly running towards you and shrieking in an ancient language intend to actually use the "weapons" they are pointing at you, or for that matter, the bombs they have strapped to themselves. Rewarding the player for shooting the bomb-holders before they even get to make the choice to blow anything up sets a very dangerous, almost fascistic tone. This presumed guilt is at best, an irresponsible lesson in bigoted racial profiling, and at worst, a hate crime of the highest degree.

Also, ditch the American flag on the cover. USA, USA, USA, yeah yeah, we get it already. Five stars for the hypocrisy. No stars for the game.

Green Recipe #380 - Soy Cheese Rice Latte With Shredded Mung Bean In Cold Coconut Oil

2010-09-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

This entree recipe is as delicious as it sounds. It's healthy for you and far more importantly, it's great for the environment!

Soy Cheese Rice Latte With Shredded Mung Bean
In Cold Coconut Oil
Ingredients

2 cups shredded organic mung beans
1 1/4 cups coconut oil (separated)
1 cup soy cheese
1 cup rice (cooked and mashed)
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons flax seed oil
1 tablespoon turbinado sugar
2 teaspoons curry powder
2 tablespoons espresso foam
pinch of salt
1 gallon of water

Instructions

In a medium skillet, fry off the shredded mung beans in 1/4 cup coconut oil until they become very mushy and dark. Set aside.

Melt the soy cheese in the microwave until the consistency is similar to soft clay, or perhaps day old wallpaper paste.

In the same skillet, combine soy sauce, turbinado sugar, curry powder, flax seed oil and mashed rice and heat thoroughly. Cook until mixture rolls up on itself and resembles a baseball.

In a medium sized bowl, mash together the seasoned rice baseball and mung bean mixture for at least two minutes. Take the remaining cup of coconut oil and drop the mung ball into it. It should come to rest on the bottom. If it floats, it won't float for long. Refrigerate for between 4 and 48 hours.

In the refrigerator, the coconut oil will turn from a liquid to a solid, but first it will infuse with the delicious taste of the curried rice mung ball. When ready to serve, remove from refrigerator and gently spread the melted soy cheese over the top of the cup. Finish with the espresso foam and pinch of salt. Garnish with cilantro.

Serve family style with the gallon of water.

Happy being oh-so-kind to Mother Earth! She will thank you by not sending storms.

Possible Police Brutality Suspected By Us In Slaying Of Earth-Friendly Eco-Warrior

2010-09-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

James J. Lee was shot and killed on Wednesday by police in a complicated case filled with many confusing details.

The circumstances of the shooting are not 100% verified, and as is our policy, TMI will not discuss any circumstances that are not known to be absolutely true.

What is known is that Mr. Lee was a heartfelt fighter for environmental causes that were near and dear to him. Before he was shot dead, internet postings revealed him to be a lover of animals of all kinds, such as giraffes. He was against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and had strong opinions about pollution, and the path he wanted humans to take in their efforts to make the planet a better place. And don't we all.

Mr. Lee urged everyone to "find solutions for unemployment and housing", and in these tough economic times, that sounds like one heck of an idea. He also believed, strongly, that children are our future. He decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. If he failed, if he succeeded, at least he lived how he believed. No matter what they take from him, they can't take away his dignity.

Alas, the greatest love of all did not happen to James J. Lee yesterday, as he was gunned down by a barrel of cold blue steel, in a case of possible misconduct that unfortunately raises more questions than it answers.

TMI Poll: Among Independents, Obama Approval Through the Roof

2010-08-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

With disasters like the Republican oil spill, the Republican wars, and the Republican Global Warming looming over his presidency, President Obama has been on some shaky ground lately. But like a political LeBron James, he is "rebounding" just in time for the mid-term election season. We polled 5,000 Independent readers to gauge their observations on the President halfway through his first term. Thank you for voting!

TMI Exclusive Photo Collection: Behind the Numbers of The Tea Party Restore America Rally

2010-08-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

Members of the much maligned "Tea Party" gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on Saturday at the "Restore America Rally", hosted by much maligned talk show host, Glenn Beck. While estimates of the much maligned crowd vary widely, TMI has obtained exclusive photos to help with much maligned crowd estimation. When this photo from Saturday is enlarged, we believe this will be an unbelievably useful tool for obtaining an accurate headcount.

Happy counting!

In addition to the eminently useful photo view (above), we have constructed an "artist's rendering" of the entire crowd based on critically accurate eyewitness reports of TMI staff who also attended the rally. Here it is:

Better luck next year, teabaggers!

Puzzle Time

2010-08-27T05:36:00.000-07:00

Now it is time to give a small quiz to our amazingly informed readers.

The two pictures below appear identical. But they are not! Study the two pictures carefully for at least ten minutes and then see if you can spot all the differences.

Happy Hunting! Answers Below!

The Differences

Family #1 lives in a society filled with all the familiar ills of the modern day. The mom and dad go to work for selfish corporations, and ride around in air-polluting automobiles. The automobiles run on oil that is stained with the blood of the robotic pawns of the military-industrial complex.

At night, the family uses heat and light to comfort themselves, blissfully unaware of their vapid, parasitic nature. The climate is unpredictable and ever changing. It is a world of imminent doom, for their false, plasticine smiles will abate when they realize what they have done to Mother Gaia. By then it will be too late, as She will be very angry, and may send storms.

Only then will they repent to the Environment and beg for mercy, but Gaia only loves you when you love her. The pain they will be dealt will be as uncaring and unfeeling as the 9 to 5 "jobs" the two parents "do" to "support" their "family".

Family #2, on the other hand, is living in a world of social and ecological justice where no one suffers from the climate, and everyone is equally happy.

The exact temperature is always predictable and no cutesy animals are ever in danger of extinction! There is no industry, no oil, no jobs, and no evil greedy companies doing business anywhere.

The food is grown in the garden, the bowls are handcrafted from ceramic. The ceramic is made by cooking dirt from the backyard in the family kiln and then painted with all natural color (brown) painlessly extracted from the shells of the friendly free range Indonesian Dung Beetles they loosely keep as pets.

The family kiln is made only from twigs and leaves and uses the sun as its heat source. This technique was taught to them by a Cherokee family who lives next door in a permanent state of peace and harmony.

Unlike Family #1, who gets their clothes through rampant consumerism, Family #2's clothes are manufactured and cleaned by the government. The outfits you see here are "Monday". At clothing pick-up time, each family member is examined by government physicians for conditions which may prove an unnecessary burden to the collective.

The happiness on Family #2's faces is genuine, for these people have sacrificed long and hard for their government and their Gaia, and finally after a long period of suffering, utopia has arrived! No workers were exploited in the production of this picture!

Key: Give yourself a point for every difference you spotted. Then send in your score to TMI. When we have received replies from every reader, the total number of points will be added together and then divided by the total number of replies. This new average will be sent back to you individually, and that will be your final score. If it is more than your original score, then congratulations on your promotion! If it is less than your original score, then congratulations on your sacrifice!

Special Advertising Section

2010-08-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

Memo: Now We Will Substitute the Word "Racist" With the Word "Bigot"

2010-08-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

CONFIDENTIAL MEGA INDEPENDENT MEMO - FOR INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY - DO NOT POST

Mega Letterhead

Aug. 18, 2010

Colleagues,

Here is some guidance on covering the dissident opposition for the foreseeable future, with assists from friends in our Chicago bureau and in Washington:

1. The term "racist" is no longer appropriate. While it worked for a while to stifle the dissent of various teabagging types, the general public are now practically ignoring it due to it's egregious (yet correct) overuse. There was also a videotape that circulated a few weeks back where it appeared a woman of color had herself been a "racist" many years ago. Now the word "racist" has lost its useful power and meaning.

2. The fact is Americans now apparently believe that people of any color or gender can be considered "racist", which is a most disheartening turn of events for us. We suggest that from now on, every time you want to call someone a "racist" in an article, you instead use the more supercharged term, "bigot".

3. "Bigot" paints a picture of hatred and intolerance from an Archie Bunker type, and we need that picture in order to cut through the lies and distortions of our opponents, and continue the distribution of Megatruth to the masses.

"RACIST" IS NOW "BIGOT" ... "RACISM" IS NOW "BIGOTRY"

Some examples of how to use the new terms correctly include:

• Instead of "The racist tea partiers gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial", use "The tea partiers gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and let's face it, they're just a bunch of bigots, anyway"

• Instead of the headline "Racism Suspected In Republican Opposition to Obama Agenda", try "Bigotry Suspected in Republican Opposition to Obama Agenda"

Has a nice ring, doesn't it?

NOW GIVE IT A BOOST

One of the unintended benefits of this forced word switch includes being able to emphasize it with very powerful adjectives.

a. "The bigots don't want healthcare reform because they are in the pocket of the insurance companies" becomes "The hateful bigots don't want healthcare reform because they are in the pocket of the insurance companies".

b. "Although they claim they merely oppose out of control government spending, we know that it all just boils down to bigotry" becomes "Although they claim they merely oppose out of control government spending, we know that it just boils down to vicious, resentful, sleazy bigotry, the likes of which has not been seen in this country since the execrable Jim Crow era".

(Use your mentions of Jim Crow sparingly. Pick your spots. About once every three articles is the correct ratio. More than that would seem like we are exploiting embarrassing history for gain, less than that would seem like we aren't exploiting embarrassing history for gain enough.)

Note: Be wise about your word use. If you previously were going to call someone a "big racist", it would not be appropriate to make a simple substitution and call them a "big bigot". That clearly does not trip off the tongue. We suggest "large bigot", "huge bigot", "enormous, hulking bigot", or "oversized, thundering bigot who hates".

Thank you.

Postscript. In six months to a year, we will be sending out a similar memo, except instead of replacing "racist" with "bigot", we will be replacing "bigot" with "zealot". DO NOT use the word "zealot" or "zealotry" in reference to the rightwingers yet. But by all means keep using it when talking about terrorists and terrorism. We need to roll that one out very slowly so as not to diminish its power before the 2012 elections get underway.

Thank you and happy independent unbiased newsgathering to all!!!

TMI Exclusive: The Sun Will Set Tonight... Unexpectedly

2010-08-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

A new study out of the University of Alberta, Canada claims that the sun will set tonight and could rise tomorrow... unexpectedly.

Although we will be surrounded by darkness tonight as the sun lurches beneath the horizon, a small group of scientists are now claiming that it will in fact come back in the morning, bigger and brighter than ever. But science has been wrong before.

"The apparent stillness of the Earth is our leading indicator", reported an anonymous Democratic representative with a scientific background. "Are you seriously telling me that that immense fireball, which is disappearing before our very eyes in that direction (pointing west), is going to mysteriously reappear over there (pointing east) at some point in the future? Look how dark it's getting. That thing is going down. And if we don't do something about it right now, we're in big, big trouble."

The Mega Independent Investigative Research Team (Working For You) sent observers out in all fifty states and each watched as the hot ball of flame streaked across the sky yesterday and eventually out of view, creating widespread blackness. The study demonstrated that it in fact did get darker, nearly pitch black in fact, as the chill of the night air set in. As of this printing at 2 AM, there is no hint of the sun ever coming back, despite claims to the contrary by the Darkness Deniers.

President Obama interrupted his trip from Martha's Vineyard to the Bahamas, to hold an emergency historic speech to ease the fears that gripped a nation. "As the wave of darkness sets in across this country, we must take steps to survive this crisis. I have authorized Congress to appropriate a new spending bill, The Darkulus, which will help ease the pain of our limited sight tonight."

He continued, "In the dark, there is no white, no brown, no red and no yellow... we are all the same color and must come together as one. We must be reminded at all times of this fever-pitched need to focus on racial makeup like a laserbeam. We need to focus on it at the dinner table, at the water cooler, in the kitchen and around the campfire. We need to focus on race at work, at home, at school and at play. We will talk about race on the playground, in factories and in the doctor's office. In fact, some 'Census Takers' will be around at your door in the coming weeks to make sure you are having the national discussion on race. If you are not, then appropriate steps will be taken to make sure that you are. The time for talk is over."

Obama concluded his speech with powerful words. "University scientists all around this country have informed us bleakly that the sun, our friend in space for over 40 trillion years, has gone away and is never coming back again. Yes, there is a small minority of Deniers who claim otherwise, that it will rise tomorrow and set again, but unlike previous administrations responsible for the failed policies of the last eight years, we do not look at one thing and say it is another. We are not happy with the status quo. It's dark outside right now and to us, that constitutes a crisis.

Let me be clear. The 500 billion dollar Darkulus bill will ease our shared burden, and if we spend enough money, then maybe one day, perhaps tomorrow even, the sun will rise again... unexpectedly. And if you like your daytime, you'll be able to keep your daytime. We will get that sun fired up. Ready to go. Thank you and goodnight, err, goodbye."

The Darkulus Sunshine Reform Bill of 2010 will send much needed taxpayer money to fund Democrat campaigns in important election races across the country, as they fend off science-denying, darkness-loving Republican challengers, and work to get us going in the right direction. If and when the sun does come back, Democrats will be the ones working tirelessly to make sure it doesn't ever leave us again.

"A world with no sun forces us to waste superfluous energy on things like artificial light", explained Lucy, 12, an environmental activist and Honorary Code Pink Kiddie. "And when we use too much energy, it causes Global Warming. And Global Warming is bad, which is why we need the sun back as soon as possible. If we are to ever put a stop to Global Warming once and for all, we must keep the sun shining constantly high above us in the noonday sky, never to leave us again. That will stop us using the nasty energy and make sure we stay cool all the time. Obama is going to fix it. Obama is going to teach us."

And the Sunshine Reform bill will help advance medicine, too. The Mega Independent Healthcare Team reports that there are over 400,000 accidents a day in the United States. That number would go way down if the sun was always there to light our way and keep our vision clear. Accidents are a tremendous burden on our healthcare system, keeping our highly trained doctors busy with silly things like gashes and broken bones.

Republicans have repeatedly claimed that there is no need for Sunshine Reform, that the sun will definitely come back tomorrow, only to set again and again and again. Well, we need to break this corrupt cycle of greedy bright days, and impoverished, empty nights. Why should one 4:00 (am) be much darker than the other 4:00 (pm), Mr. Republican?

We need exactly the same amount of light and warmth at all times. The choice is clear. It's time for fairness and equity once and for all. It's time to pass ObamaShine. It's time for daylight justice.

Puttin' the Car In (D)!

2010-08-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

President Obama recently came up with a stirring analogy which concisely summarized the position America is in right now as we stare down some unfortunate elections this November.

He said, "When you want to get in your car and go forward, what do you do? You put your car in (D), you don't put it in (R)."

Along with being amazingly tempered, highly bipartisan, and stunningly witty, Obama has now revealed himself to be a master of parallel ideas and deep thoughts. The Mega Independent Investigative Team (Working For You) has recently gotten ahold of some more analogies Obama is toying with breaking out on the campaign trail, as November inches ever closer...

1. "When you're sick and you want to get better, you go to the (D) - Doctor... you don't go to the (R) - Rental Truck Place. And the (D)octor is going to make you better. The (R)ental Truck Place is only going to try and rent you a truck and prevent you from getting immediate treatment, which could only make you sicker. Plus they have fumes there, which definitely won't help your cough, if your illness involves one. Am I right?"

2. "When you want something good to eat, you go into the fridge and you get something that is (D) - Delicious... you don't go to the garbage can and get something out that's (R) - Rotten. You just don't! And that's what these failed policies of the last eight years are... Rotten! You see... the (D) stands for for (D)elicious! That is, in terms of food you would want to consume when you are hungry. And (R) is for Rotten, which isn't good for you. Get it?"

3. "When you go out at night, and you're young, and say it's going to be a first date of some kind, and you're taking out a girl, you want to look your best. So you put on something (D) - Dapper. You don't go putting on something that's (R) - Wrinkly. We need to vote (D) and stop the wrinkly old policies from the party of 'no'... no irons, that is."

4. "When you're at a therapist and you've got a bad memory from childhood and you want to get rid of it so you can enjoy more of life, you have two choices. You can (D) - Deal with it... thereby releasing its vise-like grip on your adult experience, or you can (R) - Repress it, and let the bad memory continue to fail you like it has for the last eight or more years. (R)epressing is bad! (D)ealing is good. Who's with me????"

5. "And when you're stuck on some futuristic planet and the alien beings there have advanced weaponry that you don't recognize. Well, say one of these beings decides he wants to take a shot at you with a laser of some kind. What do you do when you want to avoid it? You (D) - Duck... that way the laserbeam will miss you and maybe hit another alien, and the alien who shot it will hopefully have to wait for his thing to recharge, at which time you can turn your head and pretend to be wiping your lip for a minute with your elbow bent, and then suddenly without warning suckerpunch it out of his hand, and then wrestle with him until Spock arrives. That's one choice that you, as an American voter can make. You can (D) - Duck. Or, on the other hand, you can try to (R) - Run. But last I checked, alien lasers are faster than human beings, even in the future. So you end up getting hit in the back and you are disabled, or possibly even dead. That's the choice that we as Americans are all going to be making. Duck the advanced laser and survive... or try to outrun it and get hit in the back and fall down in a heap. What do you think is better for America, America?!!?? I know what I think is better, America! I know what I think is better! Fired up! Ready to go!!! Fired up!!! Ready to go!!!! Fired up!!!! Ready to go!!!!!!!"

Truly amazing stuff from a truly amazing man. And whatever analogy the President eventually sticks with, the message is clear - this November, when you stand in the voting booth, under no circumstances are you to remember that the (D) on your ballot really stands for "(D)emocrat".

Special Advertising Section: Obama Spice

2010-08-17T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hello. I'm at hole #1. Look over there at hole #2. Now back at me. I'm at hole #5 and I've just shot a birdie. Don't you want to be here? Now look at your bank account. It's empty. Now look at the Gulf of Mexico. I've fixed it with my magic powers. Now back to me. I'm at Martha's Vineyard and I'm on vacation. Look up. It's Air Force One. Now you're unemployed. Now I'm in Nevada, campaigning for someone. Don't you wish you were me? Look down. At your calendar. Now it's the third of the month and you're in a long line waiting for food stamps. Now back to me. I'm at the White House having dinner with someone you would like to be. Look in my hand. Now you're living in your car. Where did I go. I'm in Denmark and the Olympics are coming to Chicago. Look over there. Now they're gone. I meant to do that. Now look at that mosque, it's going to be pretty. Now back at me. Look at these abs. I'm the picture of health. ObamaCare has started. You haven't bought insurance and now you're in jail. And now it's me again. I've got all your taxes.

I'm on a cruise.

Planning Board Gives Thumbs Up to Ham Sandwich Factory on Top of Mama Cass's Grave

2010-08-15T15:49:00.000-07:00

Mama Cass Elliot of "Mamas and the Papas" fame is about to get some much needed company in her final resting place. A 20,000 square foot state-of-the-art ham sandwich factory will serve the people that love them, churning out up to 50,000 ham sandwiches a day. There will also be an accompanying museum dedicated to celebrating the history of this especially tasty food item.

"The ham sandwich is not completely 100% perfect", says the developer and future curator of the museum, Shark51, "but it sure is delectable, and so many people love it to this very day, and do believe it is 100% perfect. Yes, it is tragic what happened to Mama Cass, having apparently accidentally choked to death on one, but we must all remember that part of a ham sandwich was lost that day, too."

"In fact, the ham sandwich really would be 100% perfect were it not so misunderstood", he continued, "and we hope this will be a place where everybody can grow and learn."

The Mega Independent Research Team has found that over a million pounds of ham sandwiches are consumed each year by people who love them. And although Mama Cass's particular encounter with one was not so fortunate, it is certainly not the fault of people who love ham sandwiches. "America is supposed to be a place of free enterprise and freedom to do whatever you want anywhere, is it not?", queried the curator, with a wry smile.

A 30 foot tall statue of a half eaten ham sandwich will loom extra tolerantly over her headstone and grave, so that thousands a day may show up to worship its glory. And as for why the developer has chosen this particular site, he spoke of community and of America's traditions. The new company, "Fat Singing Bitch Who Eats Too Fast, Incorporated", will occupy the site and create the tasty delights.

Asked if he thought the name of the company might be insensitive to some, especially given the proposed location of its manufacturing headquarters, the curator explained that a "Fat Singing Bitch Who Eats Too Fast" historically would represent a place where sandwiches and people have come together and existed very harmoniously. And developer Shark51 gives what they hope will be the last word on this story: "Anyone who finds this factory or its location offensive is really the offensive one."

Mega Roundtable - The Economy

2010-08-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

With the summer ticking along very nicely, the economy has proven to be the number one issue on everyone's mind. We have gathered a roundtable of diverse wide-ranging opinions to discuss this and other pertinent issues.

Issue #1 - Obama and the Democrats

Moderator: George Bush left this country with the most troubled economy in the history of the world. It was up to Obama and the Democrats to rescue us all from the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. What is your opinion on what they have done with all these Republican lemons. Have they made lemonade, or are the lemons still "percolating" in the lemonade maker and will it take some more time?

Commentator #1: I don't think it's fair to say that George Bush left us with the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. George Bush and his rich fatcat Republican cronies left us with the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. And galaxies, too, if galaxies are bigger than universes.

That would be a more accurate statement. And as far as lemons go, I think it would be fair to say that the Democrats aren't just making lemonade, they have invented a lemon drink that is so darned tasty and refreshing, it will knock your little socks off! It just takes a little longer to make than regular lemonade, that's all.

Commentator #2: Well I'm sorry, if we're going to talk about Bush, then what about all the problems he inherited, and that he had to face. What about the dot com bubble burst, and what about 9/11?

Commentator #1: Well, every President knows he's going to have a few problems to deal with here and there, and George Bush.......

Commentator #2: Hold on. I was just kidding. Everyone knows George Bush didn't have to deal with any real problems! Bush doesn't deal with problems. He makes the problems!

Commentator #1: On that, we can agree!!!!

Commentator #2: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Commentator #1: Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Commentator #2: You know, you're funny, Commentator #1.

Commentator #1: Awww... and so are you, Commentator #2. And very likeable. If I may say, in an Obama-ish kind of way.

Commentator #2: You flatter me! I am not worthy, nor will I ever be worthy, of praise that dares mention Obama's name.

Please... never use the same breath to contain us both again. I am but a mere speck, a morsel of subhuman matter, an infinitessimal waste of carbon atoms, water and directionless synaptical pulses, compared to Mr. Obama. Excuse me, Mr. President Obama.

Commentator #1: I know. I was just saying I thought you were really something special. You definitely know your economy and you certainly know the Republican Party and all their job and economy-destroying ways, backwards. And you're articulate about it. I'm sorry, but I have to say it's very attractive on you.

Commentator #2: Thank you. You're not looking too bad there yourself, Commentator #1. Do you have a little time after the article is done?

Commentator #1: Yeah. I have time.

Commentator #2: I gotta say... that you maybe even have a little...uhhhhh... a little hint of Obama in you.

Commentator #1: Stop it. You're gonna make me go red in the ears, Commentator #2. I'd be fortunate if I even had an sliver of his common sense or an iota of his leadership, fairness, eloquence, economic acumen and/or justice in me. Or if I could just have a small lock of his hair that he accidentally left on the podium after a speech, that I could put inside a book with his name on it, drawn inside little red crayon hearts. That would make my day... my year......... my life.

Commentator #2: I know exactly what you're saying.

Commentator #1 and #2: {siighhhh........}

Moderator: Well, that's all the time we have here on Mega Roundtable. It is always good to be reminded that no matter how widely we differ on political issues, even at 180 degree opposite ends of the possible political spectrum like our two representative commentators, there is always a middle ground somewhere.

And that is a middle ground which we at the Mega Independent strive to seed and water daily, as part of our very life's work. Tune in next time and watch this garden grow!

2010 Year In Review

2010-08-09T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well, 2010 has just about to come to a close and what a year it was.

Climate

First of all, according to every report and estimation, 2010 was the warmest year on record by a longshot. In fact, as of this writing, the temperature in the northeast was about 87 degrees, by far the hottest day for any of our Year-End reviews ever. On the day of our last one, for example, December 31st, 2009, the temperature was about 24 degrees, only 63 degrees cooler. How's about that one, wingnuts? Still don't believe in Global Warming?

Of course, despite 2010 being so warm, with the icecaps melting at an alarming rate, and there being a dire need for climate legislation where we all pay a lot of money to people who know exactly what to do with it to make everything better, the oceans have mysteriously already stopped their rise and the planet already begun to heal. We wonder why...

Politics

Entering 2010, pundits across the land were wailing about how there were going to be "massive gains" in the House and Senate for the Republicans, and that one or both houses may even turn over. Well, by our non-partisan independent count, the Republicans gained one entire seat in the Senate in 2010, and, as the year comes to a hearty close, the Democrats still have two fistfuls of control in both houses. Better luck next year, Rethugs! From Party of No to Party of No... Gains!

Presidential Approval Rating

Although it was a difficult year for the President, with many a Republican-caused, Bushian-Rovian crisis averted, The Mega Independent Approval Rating Forecast Index shows an upward trend for him as the end of 2010 draws upon us, that is nearly vertical in places.

Eat your heart out, Mount Everest! Only this line shows no sign of going back down on the other side! Our Index is like a big steep group of stairs in a giant building that are so narrow, you can only go one way! Up, up, up!

In case of fire, break glass and jump out... way out... to the safety trampoline below! What a year! He's off the chart! What number is higher than 100? We may need to invent one before it's all said and done!

World Events

Environmentally, 2010 will be remembered as one of the safest, cleanest years ever. The President is moving us to clean renewable fuels, such as solar, air, water, clouds, sky and rainbows. He knows that there is still somewhat of an "old way" reliance on oil, but he is keeping the messy part away from us by enforcing even stricter standards which will make sure that oil is only extracted from the deepest, darkest, most pressure filled parts of the sea, as far away from land as possible. That's why Republicans are the Party of Pollution and Democrats are the Party of Science.

The Respectful Disagreement With Man Caused Events

Despite the warnings of frantic right wing nuts, Iran still doesn't have "the bomb", but rather a whole lot of harmless centrifuges doing some virtuous calculations and spinning around like an innocent four year old ballerina. But hey, let's attack them for oil anyway!

Guess if "the bomb" is so bad, we should give it up, too, then. That would only be fair, right? Oh yeah? Well, tell it to Japan! Too late now! We've made our bed and if some nut destroys the Western World with some really big bombs, we know who we'll be blaming... and it definitely won't be the nut!

And in other man-caused news, nobody successfully "attacked" anyone on U.S. soil or in a major urban center, and if they did, it was because they were angry about a foreclosure, or maybe the Presiden't skin. Sometimes things happen for reasons that aren't immediately explainable by a confession, or by a blood-curdling shout of the words "Allahu Akbar" (which our translator tells us has many different interpretations).

Wrap-Up

2010 was a glorious year. It was a warm year, where people across the land barbecued, swam in outdoor pools, and even attended Major League Baseball games as we penned the annual year-end summary, and nobody batted an eyelash. The Republicans tried very hard to distract you from the Year Without A Winter by talking about stuff like "jobs", but the Mega Independent was there to break the story. A story that affects you, and your skiing.

It was a year where the political landscape shifted barely at all, if not slightly leftward, and Obama received massive adulation and rating in our Patented Presidential Approval Index. It was a year in which no one was attacked by a "scary moslem person", and if they were, the attack was unsuccessful and for reasons that need to be explained to you.

We're looking forward to independently serving you in the most objective way possible tomorrow, when the next year starts and we do it all again. Go Big D!!!

Democrats Lead Huge on Generic Ballot

2010-08-03T10:51:00.001-07:00

According to the latest Mega Independent poll, Democrats have opened up a substantial lead in generic Congressional balloting for November 2010. We polled 4,000 independent respondents in our usual non-partisan way and found some surprising results...

Beautiful New U.S. Health Care System Chart Unveiled

2010-07-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

Congress has just released a chart that gives a little more insight into the terrific new healthcare system that President Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the rest of the Democrats created, in spite of the objections of backward Republicans and racists across the land.

The chart is a bit difficult to read at this resolution, so the Mega Independent Healthcare Advisory Team (established March 2010; board rights, responsibilities and duties coming soon!) has released a key that explains it all.

Dark Blue = Awesome
Orange = Fantastic
Yellow = Amazing
Light Blue = Super Duper
Tan = Incredible
Green = Glorious

Diamonds = Extraordinary
Squares = Mindblowing
Rectangles = Electrifying
Circles = Monumental
Hexagons = Primo
Lines = Tremendous

Who needs the old system which was just boring old patients, doctors, hospitals and insurance companies when you can have THIS? Ohhhhhh, beautiful for spaaaaacious skies, for amber waves of graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainnnnnn..........

Hero Democrat Saves Constituent From Deadly Killer Bees

2010-07-13T06:00:00.000-07:00

Amazing new video has surfaced of Democrat Rep. Ciro Rodriguez from Texas throwing himself in harm's way to avert potential disaster for a roomful of constituents.

After being challenged by a disgruntled Tea Party activist on the Republican version of "truth", Mr. Rodriguez spoke real truth to power... and then saved her from a swarm of deadly killer bees.

20 years ago, killer bees, manufactured in a lab and let loose by accident, infiltrated this country and 67 others. Some scientists estimate they have since caused somewhere north of 21 million deaths. "Nobody knows the true number of deaths, since death by a swarm of killer bees is so similar to death by natural causes", remarked one Insect/Climate Scientist from UC Berkeley.

Republicans are more than happy to carp constantly about all about the so-called "illegals" crossing the border from Mexico, but when it comes to real murderers, they are silent and inactive. Only one man in this election season, a Democrat, has stood directly up for the civil right to not be killed by killer bees.

Take a look at the video and see it for yourself. At 27 seconds, he notices the bees, and moves closer to his challenger, to protect her. But the act of pure heroism occurs at 34 seconds, when he takes a mere newspaper and smashes the swarm, which had obviously been disturbed by her loud, obnoxious dissent. Even a bunch of mutated bees know that it is not up to her, a lowly citizen, to question the purity, motive, or honestly of her rightfully elected representative.

You'll also note that once he's smashed the living daylights out of every last bee, he says firmly, "I'm not going to take any {inaudible}". Well, the inaudible part is obviously "credit". He knows what he's just done. But he doesn't want any credit for it. He just wants to represent.

Republicans want to build a wall on our border, a wall that could never be tall enough to stop killer bees. Or they want to build a fence, with holes in it that any swarm could easily fit through, one or two at a time. But Ciro Rodriguez knows the score. He kills them first, and asks questions later. That's why we are granting him our Mega Independent Medal of Honor, and our Mega Nobel Prize... for Amazing Selflessness.

The Time For Financial Reform Is Now

2010-06-25T06:28:00.001-07:00

Republicans in Washington are looking to keep the status quo and to protect their friends on Wall Street by blocking yet another stimulus bill designed to get our struggling economy moving in the right direction.

This is the sixth or seventh stimulus bill that this Congress has passed, and each time, Republicans with friends in high corporate places have attempted to either stop or slow down its progress.

"People are struggling", one Democratic Congressman remarked with a smile, "They are having a really hard time out there and they need us to take action", he said while wolfing down a twelve dollar sandwich.

"And now you can see the results of inaction," Obama said in a press conference in a mostly packed Wendy's filled with tens of people who couldn't wait to get a small glimpse of him. "It's been at least four weeks since Congress passed a 100 billion dollar stimulus, sorry, um err, jobs package, and look, people are still out of work, and the housing market is collapsing again. The failed policies of the last eight years have taken root again, only this time it is the failed non-policies of the last four weeks which have gotten us into this mess."

"Yes, I would like to see the economy better," commented Hector Valdez, a typical man on the street with an opinion.

I think we all would Hector. I think we all would. Well, except those Republicans. They just want the status quo. They are loving the recession. Us writing it is practically the same as them admitting it. They are loving the recession.

Happy May 31st

2010-05-31T11:16:00.000-07:00

All across the land, we honor Monday, the 31st of May, the last Monday in May of 2010 to recycle a bottle, refrain from printing an email, to sit in the dark, or do something else wonderful for the environment around us.

There are many Americas (North, South, Central, etc.), but only ONE Mother Earth! Happy May 31st!!! Plant a tree!

1,000 Straight Days of Posts

2010-05-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to The Mega Independent for 1,000 Straight Days of Posts - that is, at least one post per day for 1,000 days in a row. Our gargantuan, Herculean effort of non-stop unbiased, non-partisan updating has resulted in this once-in-a-lifetime milestone for which we are most proud and grateful.

Of course, we could not have done it without you, our thousands upon thousands of loyal readers, who ride the wave of political life completely independent of the shackles of take-sidery, who show up day in and day out to absorb our Lady Justice Blind reporting of the daily news.

And most of all, we look forward to celebrating Day #2,000 in a row, when we get there on February 5th, 2013! It will be a lot of work, but it will be worth it! See you then!

The Mega Independent Answers Your Letters

2010-03-30T06:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, I am a little bit worried about all the spending that the Democrat-controlled Congress is doing. This is trillions and trillions of dollars that we simply don't have! Isn't spending nonexistent money what got us all into trouble in the Real Estate and Financial sectors?

-Bill B.

TMI: You're confused, Bill. There's nothing wrong with what Congress is doing. If Congress was so bad, the People would not have elected them to make the tough decisions that they're not capable of making all by themselves. In addition, the veiled racism in your letter (printed in its entirety for all to see) has not gone unnoticed.

Hi there. I keep seeing all this repeated scare-mongering about Global Warming, but isn't it true that there were a bunch of exposed emails which revealed that the data was made up in some of the highest agencies that promoted it? Also, when asked to prove that the data was not artificially concocted, didn't these agencies say that they "lost" the data? And didn't one of the biggest Global Warming proponents recently come out and admit that there "has been no warming for the past 15 years", which goes against everything that was predicted about the climate by Al Gore, et al?

How can I trust in a phenomenon that has never been proven, yet wants to change my life? The light bulbs that have provided beautiful luminance for the last century are going to be totally banned as of 2012, and now I hear the Democrats in the House recently proposed a tax on all energy, which will essentially be a tax on everything. These taxes will be paid by us, the consumer, and they're being levied in the worst financial crunch in modern times. All to combat something which has been at best, never proven, and at worst, demonstrably falsified. Why haven't you reported any of this?

-Jeanie L.

TMI: You're confused, Jeanie. Global Warming is as plain as the nose on your face. If we don't do something right now, everybody is going to die. Also, shut up.

Greetings. Last week, you claimed that up was down, that water wasn't wet and that grass was purple. Well, I have it on good authority that up is actually up, water is very wet, and that grass is green. Not purple.

-Tom J.

TMI: You're confused, Tom. Everything is as we say it is on any given day. When you get a printing press of your own, let us know. Until then, let the big boys report the news.

Earth Hour Is Tonight

2010-03-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

Special Advertising Section

2010-03-23T23:08:00.001-07:00

ObamaCare Inherited This Mess

2010-03-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

Now that it seems obvious that ObamaCare is just a few cursory pen strokes away from becoming law, it's time to talk honestly about the terrible state of our Healthcare System.

We have a shortage of doctors. Everyone knows there's a shortage of doctors. This has been going on for years, long before any doctor in the marginal wilderness said he was going to retire because of ObamaCare. The sorry state of our loan industry and the Republican decimation of our educational system has gotten us to this point, not Obama or ObamaCare.

Insurance premiums are skyrocketing. This is no secret. This has nothing to do with dumping 47 million people into the system and forcing selfish insurance companies to stop calculating real world risks against real world costs. And even if it did have something to do with all of that, why would it be the fault of ObamaCare?

And all this talk about hospitals running out of room under ObamaCare is silly. Hospitals have always had a shortage of space. Have you ever seen an empty hospital? Sorry, Sarah Palin, that only happens in George Romero movies. All the hospitals I have ever been to were crowded, with one or two people in nearly every room and so many doctors and nurses walking around, you could sometimes barely move.

And anyway, why only two patients per hospital room? Why not four or five? Can't we all just get along? And now with fewer doctors and nurses, the hallways of hospitals will be far easier to navigate.

It's lazy to blame the President for being the one brave enough to take on Big Hospital and fix the situation. The devastating collapse of our healthcare system has been a long time coming. It was already cut. Don't be mad at Obama for ripping the band-aid off and exposing the slow, festering wound for everyone to experience firsthand for as long as it takes to scar over, even if that happens to be forever.

As we've seen for over a year now, it's so easy to just point the finger at the President in some bad situation and say that he's the one that got us here. Just look at the name, "ObamaCare". Why ObamaCare? Why not "BushCare"? After all, as everybody knows, George Bush is the one that really got us into this mess with the failed policies of the last eight years.

But the tea partiers want you to forget that. So they call it "ObamaCare". Then everything that happens to the system after the bill becomes law suddenly becomes his fault. Even though he had nothing to do with what's wrong, and everything to do with what's right.

You will hear people, in the coming years, as the system inevitably gets worse (before it gets better), that this is the fault of the Democrats for passing a completely one-sided bill. But it's not the Democrats that are responsible for what they've done. It's the Republicans that are responsible for what they have not done. That's why this entire thing is really the fault of the Republicans.

Inevitably, you will hear complaints about "taxes" going up. Well, we were already all paying "taxes" to the selfish insurance companies in the form of skyrocketing premiums. I don't remember hearing anybody complaining about that. So now the "taxes" are going where they are supposed to go: to the government. You know, the government. The people that build the roads and do lots of other things that are just like building the roads?

The time for talk is over and it's time for us all to roll our sleeves up and get a little dirty. The people that were "happy" with the old system had their chance to stay healthy and go to the doctor whenever they wanted and receive fast treatment. But their time is over, and it's time now for all the people that were unhappy with it to get their chance in a somewhat less vibrant system that we can at least all share together. This is life in the new, post-unfair era.

In conclusion, if more of us have to get sick now to keep more of us healthy in the future, then so be it. This is the harsh reality of the third century of a very young country that still has a lot of growing up to do.

Frank Finger is a six-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for the Mega Independent. His new book, "The Conservatives: Why Did They Do This To Us?" will be in stores on April 20th.

Soda Parties In Full Swing

2010-03-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

The Soda Party, America's civilized answer to the Tea Parties, has gotten underway this weekend with an amazing rally across the country. Billed as the "bubbly" version of widespread grassroots government protest that wants to institute change, it is far more liberal and sane than its tiny, yet shameful and violent, right-wing extremist counterpart.

We came to an outdoor rally in San Francisco that was filled with thousands upon thousands of people to find out what it's all about.

One thing you notice about the Soda Partiers right away is that even though they want reform in government, there's no signs, there's no screaming, and there's a real calm draped across all of them. The first Soda Partier we interviewed was Jim, who was sitting at a table playing checkers by himself.

"Checkers is all about strategy," he said, "I'm red". He had collected most of the black pieces, and that empty chair across from him obviously represented the Tea Party in all their infamous hardly existent glory.

Another Soda Partier we found was walking through the Rally area with a suit on while typing on his Blackberry. His brisk walk indicated that he was an allegory for the Soda Party itself. He was going somewhere, had it all together, and was communicating his searing distrust for Republicans in government silently, like a creeping ninja.

A third member we interviewed was coming out of a nearby mall. We asked her about her distressing feelings toward the government. "Yeah, they totally didn't have anything I wanted." On her list of civic Soda Party demands for out-of-touch conservatives in Washington D.C. was shoes, clothes, and a DVD for her boyfriend that she couldn't remember the name of.

It's refreshing to be at a place with so many like-minded yet diverse and colorful individuals, all coming together in the name of a single cause. The Soda Party, on its first weekend, is already amazingly humongous, and it's growing. A dense, foggy crowd of voters such as this one surely cannot be ignored.

Mega Independent Poll: The ObamaCare Bill

2010-03-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

The ObamaCare Bill seems to have stalled in the House, creating a potentially sticky situation for Democrats and Obama as they head into an election year. We polled 4000 Independent readers to figure out what the next move should be. Thank you to all who responded.

February Unemployment Numbers Are Out!

2010-03-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

Mega Health Study: Tea is Actually Awful For You

2010-03-01T16:49:00.000-08:00

In a breakthrough study out of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, scientists have been able to analyze tea on a micro molecular level. And for the first time, they have determined once and for all that tea is terrible for you.

"It's a disgusting drink," remarked one of the scientists, "Anyone who would even associate themselves with tea after this study is obviously just a pathetic loser with no life."

It's long been believed that the polyphenols that make up tea, acted as traditional antioxidants that cleansed the body of free radicals. But what scientists are discovering now is that tea may actually encourage the activity and behavior of free radicals.

Additionally, tea has long been packaged in breathable fiber "bags" to aid in the brewing process and make life easier for tea drinkers. But disturbing findings from the study indicate that no matter how long it is brewed, many of the good chemicals of tea remain trapped in the bag, while the bad chemicals are able to float free. Because of this, people need to be acutely aware of the horrendous dangers of teabagging.

If the results of this study are true, and the Mega Independent sees no reason why they would not be, then the consequences of exalting this once respected drink could be potentially devastating.

And the scientist added an important word to the wise. "Based on our findings, we believe that, henceforth, anybody caught celebrating tea or elevating it to any level of admiration or adoration should be fined, arrested and thrown in jail, no questions asked. This is people's basic health you are messing with. I don't know what kind of people would even do that at this point, but it would be exactly the same as killing someone yourself with a deadly weapon. Only this time, the weapon would be lies."

Healthcare Weasel Sees Shadow: Six More Weeks of Negotiations

2010-02-26T22:21:00.000-08:00

In a heartwarming ceremony earlier today, Washington Wally the Healthcare Weasel was wrenched from his hole by prominent Democrat leaders. Democratic strategists report that as Wally emerged, he saw his shadow. That means just six more weeks of negotiations before they ram the bill through.

Healthcare Summit a Mixed Bag

2010-02-25T22:00:00.000-08:00

President Obama tried one final time to get Republicans to understand why they are so wrong about everything, but once again, they just would not listen.

The summit ended up being a mixed bag of results, as Democrats performed like gold medal Olympic stars, while Republicans stumbled and bumbled like infant monkeys on broken roller blades.

The Democrats today made sense, spoke with empathy as they read heartwarming letters, and had a pitch perfect day of incredible amazingness. On the other hand, Republicans tried to obscure and cloud the emotional summit with tedious facts and yawn-inducing figures.

The Republicans even wheeled the gigantic 3,000 page bill into the room as a cheap political stunt. Why should they even have the bill in the summit room? It's not like anybody's ever going to read it.

Face it, Republicans. America is fed up with political gamesmanship. They have proven over and over again that they just want something, anything to get done, no matter what damage it does to the country in the long run. This bill needs to be passed right now, right now, right now, so it can begin to start right away in 2013.

Blah, blah, blah indeed. The healthcare summit is done, and the time for talk is over. Again.

Study: Liberals Smarter, More Open-Minded Than Conservatives

2010-02-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

A new study has demonstrated that there are key differences in the physical brain structures of liberals vs. conservatives.

Commissioned by UC Berkeley and carried out at Columbia University, this unbiased research attempted to determine if there were any mental predictors of liberalism and conservatism. The results were as stunning as they were unassailable.

"One thing we learned was that the makeup of the liberal mind shows an incredible eye for assembling new information and modifying beliefs where necessary", remarked one of the scientists. "The conservative mind, on the other hand, demonstrates inarguable rigidity, pre-judgment, a very low IQ, and often an unshakable belief in pathetic and stupid, impossible things that everyone knows is wrong".

Subjects were asked a series of questions to determine their political outlook and put into two groups: "Democrat" and "Republican". After being divided into groups, they were then sat in front of a keyboard and computer screen and shown a series of quotations about the world and themselves. The instructions were simple - hit one key for "Yes" and one key for "No".

What the subjects did not know was that the keys were secretly labeled underneath with alternative meanings. The "Yes" key was the "I am Smart" key and the "No" key was the "I am Dumb" key.

For example, when the groups were shown the quotation, "Man's greed is causing the Earth to die", liberals by a very wide margin hit the correct key, "Yes" (I am Smart), where conservatives very often hit the stupid key, "No" (I am Dumb). "Toilet paper should be used one square at a time, no matter what you are wiping" produced the same result.

Racism was rampant among conservatives, and the study left little future argument for this obvious fact. When the quote "The president is doing an amazing job, especially for a black guy", liberals always hit "Yes" (I am Intelligent) where conservatives showed their hateful right-wing bias by hitting "No" (I am a Stupid Racist).

Other quotes shown to the subjects included, "There is no God, only Government can save us", "Unwanted babies should be left alone in hospital closets" and "Communism is the bees knees".

On the personal beliefs side, some quotes were, "I don't believe in God", "I think the right of free speech was meant to be limited to the expression of universally correct, liberal truths", "Conseratives are dumb", "Islam is the light", and "George Bush wrecked the World Trade Center so he could get Saddam and also oil from the brown people." Incredibly, liberals got all of these questions right ("Yes") where conservatives got them all wrong ("No").

More study will, of course, be needed to determine exactly how intelligent liberals are and why their brains function so astoundingly well. Also why they're so alarmingly open-minded about every single thing.

Based on the results of the study, the scientists agreed that it would be waste of time for anyone to compare conservatives to liberals anymore, hinting that future studies may want to pit conservatives up against something more on their level, like "poop", and "poopypants".

Mega Word Jumble Puzzle

2010-02-18T21:17:00.000-08:00

So, you think you're the smartest Mega Independent reader out there? Well, try this word jumble puzzle on for size, and stretch your brain to the max! Take breaks, if necessary.

Answer next week!

Was the Alabama Professor a Tea Partier?

2010-02-16T20:57:00.000-08:00

Amy Bishop has been accused of killing three colleagues with a gun. And now a "photo" has surfaced here at The Mega Independent which brings up troubling new questions. Below is her mug shot, and beneath that, a "photo" that may depict her at a so-called "Tea Party" gathering in Washington DC.

Now, we at the Mega Independent cannot be positive as to what date the "photo" is from, or if there was a Tea Party going on that day, or even if the "photo" may have been doctored slightly, with the sign added hastily for mega effect, and our "artists" too lazy to even come up with a decent daytime shot of the Capitol Building as a backdrop.

But just the fact that we're floating the whole idea of Amy Bishop being a Tea Partier without any real proof or checking our facts, and even by brazenly manufacturing things whole cloth when possible, does bring up some troubling new questions about the Tea Parties, doesn't it?

Our headline is troubling. The questions are troubling. The word "troubling" is troubling. The whole thing is very troubling. Watch out for tea partiers.

Scientists: 2010 Already The Warmest Year on Record

2010-02-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

Renowned climate scientists are warning that 2010 is already the warmest year on record.

"The data is terrifying," remarked one scientist who wished to remain anonymous. "If things continue this way, there will be no turning back from it. Ever."

The brutal winter that has hit much of the northern hemisphere has allowed low-knowledge skeptics to distort all of the facts. "The fact is we have weather stations, and these weather stations are reporting to our computers that this is the warmest year on record," continued the scientist. "Only an idiot would bother to disagree with a computer."

But computers get things wrong all the time, right? Wrong. A good computer can make over sixty trillion calculations in one second. We asked a global warming skeptic how many calculations he could make in a second, and he admitted that it was "probably one or two". Sixty trillion vs. two. You do the math.

But a weather station can be wrong, too, right? Wrong. Weather stations are just little computers that measure things. We asked the very same skeptic what the temperature was outside and, embarrassingly, he was off by three degrees. But a weather station can measure current temperature with accuracy to the third decimal point. Advantage, weather station.

So who are you going to believe? A scientist with a computer or some teabagging skeptic?

The science is clear. 2010 is the warmest year in the history of the planet. And even if it isn't, the ice caps are melting like crazy. And even if they're not, Greenland will be gone by the end of 2014. And even if it won't, the sea level is rising at a faster rate than ever. And even if it's not, the oceans' temperatures are warmer than ever before. And even if they're not, the carbon we are pumping into the atmosphere with our policies of greed is going to put the Earth at a dangerous "tipping point" from which there will be absolutely no return.

And even if it's not, some scientists tell us that the right mixture of greenhouse gases could potentially cause the sun to heat the Earth's crust much like a giant microwave, burning all of us slowly to a dried up crisp, like some medieval torture at Guantanamo Bay.

The data is in. 2010 is either the warmest year on record, or you enjoy the idea of everybody being microwaved to death.

Poll: Healthcare Reform

2010-02-11T19:20:00.001-08:00

We polled 3500 Independent readers about Healthcare Reform to find out what the electorate believes the Democrats' next move should be. Thank you to all who responded.

Breaking: Sarah Palin Mega Scandal!

2010-02-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

Sarah Palin gave a speech to the tea party convention in Nashville last night. But special cameras reveal that all is not what it seemed.

Ms. Palin stood in front of a podium, with a slanted surface and a small lip, and on this lip was a collection of hand written note cards. And attached to the podium was a double microphone, used to elevate and project her voice through artificial speakers that were strategically placed around the large room to fool attendees into believing she speaks much louder than she really can.

"Great orators do not hide behind podiums and microphones", said one Democratic strategist. "George Washington did not need a podium to cross the Delaware, Abraham Lincoln did not free the slaves with a microphone, and Martin Luther King's famous speech was called 'I Have a Dream', not 'I Have Some Little Note Cards'".

At many points through the evening, Palin showed herself to be far out of her element, shuffling her cards one after the other after the other like a smarmy Vegas blackjack dealer. When poor Sarah was finished with each card, she would flip it over upside down as if to brag to everybody that she didn't really need it after all.

But the cameras tell the tale. As each new card was revealed, Palin's eyes would glance down at them, as if she was using them to recall various "points" while she spoke, like a nervous fifth grader giving her first ever public speech to her little public friends.

Palin was asked about running for president last night, and she did not rule it out. But someone should notify her that she will not be able to drag her giant wooden podium along with her when she meets with foreign heads of state. And that when she's at an important dinner gathering, she may have to actually project her voice to people without the supersonic technological assistance of a hidden double microphone.

Sarah may have captivated the teabaggers last night with her endless stream of assisted words, but the truth is quite clear... no matter how much she "mugs" for the camera, or how many cards she "leaves" behind, speaking off the cuff without help is quite obviously not her "cup of tea".

Global Warming Causing Record Snowmelt

2010-02-06T12:22:00.000-08:00

An incredible amount of snowmelt across the continental U.S. this winter is being blamed on rising global temperatures.

In the past two months, the country has been slammed with brutal dripping, flooding and icicling, and scientists are pinning it directly on excess carbon output. As one climatologist from UC Berkeley explains, "Instead of sitting on the ground like normal snow, this snow is being bombarded sometimes with above freezing temperatures, causing record havoc".

In a perfect world, snow will sit on the ground for days and days, slowly sublimating into the atmosphere as harmless water vapor. But increased temperatures are being blamed for causing much of this winter's snow to bypass the sublimation process, and turn into deadly liquid snow.

"Unlike regular snow, liquid snow doesn't stay in one place," explains Vishnu Mrkaman, a climate scientist from Great Britain, "it can move around and cause great amounts of unpredictable damage. In a winter such as this one, which has the potential for lots and lots of liquid ground snow, Global Warming is an even bigger danger than ever."

Until we do something to stop the bleeding economically, snowmelt is just one more Climate Change force we all must reckon with.

Obama Breaks Promise

2010-02-02T12:34:00.001-08:00

The story Obama Breaks Promise has been withdrawn. A replacement story will run whenever we get around to it.

If you would like to see what was in the article Obama Breaks Promise, don't bother looking around. It certainly wasn't about Obama, or any promise that he broke. We swear.

Four Steps to Republican Resurgence

2010-02-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

As the recent elections in Virginia, New Jersey and Massachusetts have demonstrated, Republicans have one chance this year to go from complete marginality to at least a faux leadership position. This is how they can do it.

1. Accept That Not Everybody is White. The Republicans will never win the vote of minorities by catering only to the needs of white people. Republican code words like "freedom" and "tax cuts" that refer specifically to the priveleges traditionally enjoyed by caucasians need to be put back two centuries where they belong. The president is a black man. And he won fair and square, no thanks to any of you, you racists.

2. Stop Being the Party of No... Ideas, That Is. It's been horrifying enough watching Republicans attempt to thwart President Obama's center-right agenda over and over through a petty barrage of no, no, no. But one day the GOP will wake up and realize that voters want to hear actual ideas, not just simpleminded obstruction. Hopefully by the time they come up with a single suggestion for improving the American healthcare system, we won't already all be dead.

3. The Crusades Ended 800 Years Ago, Get Over It. What Americans believe spiritually is the most private thing in their lives. So why is it that Republicans want to shove Jesus Loves You down everybody's throat through invidious legislation? Are they so out of touch that they don't know that people also worship Buddha, Allah and Vishnu? Have they missed all the recent shouts of Allahu Akbar (translation: God is Great)?

4. Admit That Democrats are Smarter and Have Better Ideas. As 2008 demonstrated, the American people have awakened to the fact that Democrats not only know exactly what they're doing, but they know exactly how to do it. It's no coincidence that since the anointing of Barack Obama, America gets more and more awesome by the day. So as Republicans campaign in each election, big and small in 2010 and beyond, my advice to them is to just come out and say it. "Yes, my opponent is more refined, more intellectual, has all the answers, and understands how to make America incredibly amazing. But vote for me anyway." It will show a degree of honesty that has been sorely lacking and the voters will respect them for it.

Frank Finger is a six-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for the Mega Independent.

Mega Roundtable - Issues 2010

2010-01-30T09:13:00.000-08:00

And now it's time to return to our "Mega Roundtable" where a moderator and two commentators representing a cross section of opinions debate all of the issues facing our country today.

Issue #1 - Obama's Performance

Moderator: Obama's performance has been the subject of much debate in his first year. Given all the problems he inherited, and all the sheer obstinance by the so-called "opposition" party, who have done nothing but attempt to derail his presidency by any means necessary, how do you think he is doing?

Commentator #1: I think anyone with any legitimate insight would have to admit that he has handled his troubles exceptionally well. Are there things he could have done differently? Sure. One is that he gave Republicans too much opportunity to influence his administration and policies. But this is easily one of the best first years by a President going all the way back to George Washington.

Commentator #2: One of the best first years by a President going back to Washington? Are you crazy? It's simply the best first year by a President going back to Washington. It only makes you wish there were more than 42 Presidents to compare him to, because even with 10,000 or so other presidents, it's obvious he would eclipse them all.

Commentator #1: I don't know about all of them. Out of 10,000 other presidents, you figure there might be other people in there who are more pragmatic, and even less beholden to the interests of the opposing party. You figure there might even be one or two other Obama's in there. What do you do then? How would you compare him to another Barack Obama?

Commentator #2: I don't think you could fairly compare him to another Barack Obama. For now, you would have to say he is better than any clone of himself, because he is the original, and the original is always best. But if the Obama clone was all you had, then of course, the clone would still be better than anybody else. Barack Obama and the Obama clones reign supreme as the most amazing Presidents in the history of this country. Nay, the world.

Commentator #1: But let's look seriously at this for a minute. You would really have to say that any Obama clones would at least be equally as good as the original. That's the definition of a clone. An exact copy. It's not fair to the clones to contend that the original would inherently be best. An Obama is an Obama is an Obama. All are incredibly awesome, especially when it comes to presidenting in the first year.

Commentator #2: Sure, as clones of Barack, by definition all are instinctively awesome. But the clones have yet to prove themselves, where the original has had a year to be the most utterly fantastic President the world has yet seen. You can't say that about his clones, unless we look hypothetically at a situation where the clones have each sat in office for at least a year. In that case, it is fair to say that all would probably at least be equal. I will concede your point that an Obama clone is probably as good as the original, but you have to concede my point that the original Obama is unbelievably awesome.

Commentator #1: I concede that he is unbelievably awesome. In fact, I think I was the first to bring that point to the table.

Commentator #2: Well, even if you were, I was the first to put the exclamation point on it.

Moderator: Well, that's all the issues we have time for on this edition of Mega Roundtable. I think one thing we can be sure of is that, no matter our differences of opinion, we can always find common ground somewhere. Thanks to both of you and we'll see you next time on Roundtable.

Poll: State of the Union

2010-01-28T10:34:00.000-08:00

We polled 3000 Independent readers about the current "State of the Union" to find out how independents believe President Obama is doing. Thank you to all who responded.

Jump Down, Turn Around

2010-01-21T06:39:00.000-08:00

An Opinion Column by Pauline Chandler

I was walking down Fifth Avenue with a friend of mine on Saturday when I remembered a story my father used to tell me when I was a small child. It was about monsters and terrible things and there was a hero in it, and at the end, everybody was very happy. But as we all know, that's not the way life works.

W. promised us safety from terrorism and a new brand of prosperity, but the policies of corporate greed and malfeasance put us squarely on the road to Nowheresville, USA. And if it wasn't for the big wakeup call that America received in 2008, we'd still be there, waterboarding bakers we kidnapped off the streets of Iraq in Guantanamo Bay for kicks.

Unfortunately, as the Special Election in Massachusetts proves all too well, there are a lot of things still very wrong with our system. Things are hard, life is hard and times are hard, and Democrats are the ones in charge. So Democrats will be the ones who are punished for it.

But it doesn't have to be this way, if they would only stop telling everyone the truth.

Despite what the Founding Fathers may have believed about liberty and freedom, the cold reality is that people deep down are sheep. Give them a hint of grass and clover, and they surely will follow. And if they can't smell anything, they will simply look around for the nearest hanging wool and walk behind the other sheep. This is the stopped down, Wasilla Alaska type mentality that leads people to vote for a centerfold over a lawyer.

It's time for the Democrats to stop telling the truth and start telling people what they want to hear. People don't want to hear that they're going to have to make sacrifices for a common good, to help people who lack opportunity, who are lower on the social scale than they are. They want to know that they themselves are going to get something out of the deal. So tell them they will. It doesn't matter. Most of them drive pickup trucks and watch NASCAR. By the time they realize that they've had to make a sacrifice or two, and they're not getting anything concrete for their tax dollars, they will probably be on their eleventh beer, and hitting their wife.

If you've ever attempted to maneuver a dog into your vehicle so you can cart him off to the vet, you'll know what I mean. Dogs don't want to go to the vet, because going to the vet means getting shots and being poked and prodded and having allsorts done to make them better. So you leave a bone on the seat, and in hops Rover. Off to the vet you go.

Now more than ever, Masssachusetts proves that Democrats need to give the people a good bone.

President Obama must never again get up on stage and tell people the reality; that 50 million people walk around uninsured in this country, and at any moment could be hit by a car and be left on the street to die. If the tea parties prove anything, it's that people don't understand what "Health Insurance Reform" is. Big words confuse them and they end up pulling levers for truck drivers.

So call it something else. Call it a "Middle Class Tax Cut". As W. demonstrated, people love it when you cut their taxes. So tell them that's what you're doing, and get the real sausage of slashing Medicare and setting up boards that will make wise and fair health decisions for them under the radar. Half the voters in Massachusetts said they were voting for The Naked Senator Scottyboy Brown because of Health Insurance Reform. They wouldn't have been saying that if the Democrats had called it "Tax Cuts". That was the big mistake.

Same thing with taking over the banks. Don't tell people you're taking them over. Tell people you're "helping" the banks. "Bailout" has all of a sudden become a poisonous word. So call it "Bank Assistance". Call it "Bank Loving". Call it "Bank Is Good Now, Ook, Ook, Ook". Speak the people's language.

The result is the same, but everybody stays in the dark. This is what it's come to, in the era of YouTube and the Internet. It's so easy now to spread misinformation, and for people to be totally, completely and thoroughly misled. Democrats need to use this to their advantage, start doing some misleading of their own, and stop letting the other side win.

Put the honesty away, Democrats, before we lose something more than a Senator.

Pauline Chandler is an independent Nobel Laureate who writes for The Mega Independent.

What Obama Must Do Now

2010-01-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

Scott Brown has been elected to the Senate. Ted Kennedy's seat is filled. About 135,000 registered Democrats voted for him, in the bluest of blue states. The people of Massachusetts have spoken. They have sent a message loud and clear to Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. And that message is...

"You need to do more stuff."

If more stuff had been done by January 19th, there is no doubt that Martha Coakley would be Senator right now, and the Democrats' filibuster proof majority would remain in tact. The people in this country are angry. And not just teabagger extremists, either. But real people. They're angry and they have spoken. They've said their piece. They want healthcare reform. They want cap and trade. They want amnesty for undocumented immigrant workers. They want it all. But they want it yesterday.

"You didn't tax and spend fast enough for us, President Obama. And this is your punishment."

Unemployment remains over 10%. The misery index is rising. That's all a remnant from the Bush era, and the people of Massachusetts know it. They can feel it in their voting bones. And they've let everybody know that they know that it's time for Obama to act. The time for talk is over. Talk is cheap. And actions speak louder than words.

"Your agenda is perfect, Democrats. We love you. Here's our wallet and our credit cards. And here's the money we set aside for our children's education. Take it. Take their children's money, too. Because you're smarter than us and you'll know what to do with it. Please, just don't hurt us. We won't call the police. We won't tell anyone what you look like. Take it all and just let us go. Please."

This wasn't a vote for Scott Brown or against Martha Coakley. It was a vote against the status quo of 40 obstructionist Republicans in the Senate. For 12 months, we've heard nothing but excuses from the Republicans. "Wah, executive power. Wah, the Democrats can do whatever they want. Wah, an 80 vote majority in the House, and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. Wah, wah, wah, we're the party of no and we want Obama to fail. Well, now Massachusetts has said, "okay, here's your 41st Republican... now what are you gonna do, Republicans?"

All the excuses the Republicans have been making toward stopping real positive progressive change are gone, just like that. And as Scott Brown gasses up his truck and heads toward Washington D.C., the Republicans there this morning are all no doubt shaking in their collective filibustering boots.

Whether you're a Democrat or Republican, or an Independent like us, this vote was obviously a double down on the Hope that was commanded by the people in 2008. "Work faster, Mr. President. Work harder. Work smarter. Work better. Give Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid more power to get things done. Do your backroom deals with more gusto. Don't just spend a little bit of our money, spend it all. Spend it all on things we all believe in. Lie to us, but really believe your lies this time. Change."

Massachusetts has spoken. Are you listening, Mr. President?

TMI Living Section: Caring For Your Car

2010-01-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

The Mega Independent Automotive Doctor has a few tips for getting the most out of your vehicle during these tough winter months, especially in the northeast, in states like Massachusetts.

The Doctor Says...

* Check under the hood about once a week, or whenever refueling.

* Change your oil about every 3000 miles, and change your oil filter about every 6000-10000 miles, or when the manufacturer recommends.

* Wash your car once every couple of weeks. Hand washing is recommended, but a car wash is good for getting the excess road grime and corrosive salt off of the finish. This can extend the value of your car.

* A little known trouble spot for many vehicles is the trunk. An empty trunk can be subject to very harmful water and weather damage, especially in mid to late January. To avoid any such problems, keep dead space in your trunk to a minimum by filling it with something cheap. Fortunately, boxes of paper "trunk savers" can be found at your local community center office by the pallet load, and the volunteers there will be more than happy to assist you. A sample "trunk saver" is shown below.

Happy Driving!

Breaking: Scott Brown Mega Scandal!

2010-01-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

Reports from inside the crumbling Scott Brown campaign indicate a scandal from which it may be too late to recover. We at the Mega Independent are proud to do our part for unbiased patriotic justice and uncover this, potentially just in time to save our Republic.

We have an unverified report that Scott Brown once drank orange juice from the bottle and then put it back in the fridge.

You read that right. Your eyes aren't deceiving you. This man, Scott Brown, who has made it all the way to the edge of a Special Senate Election seat, once drank orange juice from the bottle and then put it back in the fridge. Yup. If this report is true, then he put his lips directly on the bottle itself and then drank and drank and drank. And drank. Then he recapped it and put it back inside like nothing had happened.

What does this tell you about Scott Brown, Massachusetts? That was his family's orange juice. And he just lifted it right there out of the fridge and didn't even bother getting himself a glass. He just took the cap right off and then gulped down a giant swig, all for his selfish self. He enjoyed it, too. Got the Vitamin C and everything.

And his campaign's futile explanation for this dirty dealing? "Uh, I dunno. It was the middle of the night, it was dark and he was probably thirsty."

Dark and he was thirsty. Uh-huh.

No lights in the kitchen at the Brown Estate? The fridge itself doesn't have a light inside it that comes on when you open the door? Well, that would certainly be a first. A fridge without a light inside it. Unless the fridge was made in 1820. Ha! Too bad they didn't make fridges in 1820, Scott Brown.

The lies, deception and dirty tricks from the Brown campaign never cease to confound. Doesn't he know that he has germs? Germs which he could pass on to his wife, in this the Swine Flu Age?

And to his children? What about the children? Why doesn't Scott Brown care about children? If wantonly and surreptitiously spreading filth and disease is the kind of thing he does to his own defenseless children, causing them to potentially require costly healthcare, what will he do to your children and your healthcare?

Think of America as the refigerator, and Teddy Kennedy's Senate seat as the shelf. Scott Brown wants to just rip that cap right off of the "bottle" (Congress) and drink up all of the "juice" (legislation) all for himself. Maybe then he'll put it back in the "fridge" (the Capitol Building) or maybe he won't. But by then, everything will have already been contaminated by his "germs" (Republicans).

Let's not give him the chance, Massachusetts. Vote Martha Coakley before we find out what other monsters are hiding in Scott Brown's closet. If he wins on Tuesday, then by Wednesday, it will be too late.

The cap will already be off the juice.

Mega Independent Poll: Coakley 90%, Brown 0%

2010-01-16T06:47:00.001-08:00

We polled 2500 Independent readers about the Special Senate Election on Tuesday to take the temperature of the independent electorate. Thank you to all who responded.

Special Advertising Section

2010-01-15T06:50:00.001-08:00

Coakley Aide Barely Survives Ninja Reporter Attack

2010-01-14T05:57:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday night, outside a fundraiser for Martha Coakley's Massachusetts senate campaign, Martha Coakley and campaign aide Michael Meehan were clearly minding their own business on the street when a conservative ninja reporter tried to do injurious harm both of them. As you can clearly see in the above photo, Meehan's knees are totally defenseless to the ground attack from the dragon fisted reporter.

"This was a blindside assault on some people that were just walking down the street, not doing anything to anyone. Shoes can be a very deadly weapon, and the ground can provide an unbelievable amount of leverage for a hematoma-inducing scissor kick. And hematomas can kill", remarked Attorney General Eric Holder. "We take low-level stealth aggression such as this one very seriously, and rest assured we will investigate and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law."

Political expert Chris Matthews of hard-hitting investigative news channel MSNBC declared, "This is pure desperation by a white teabagging minority, who have to resort to sneaky acts of violence when they can't win the popular vote. Martha is lucky that black metal grate was there to block the ninja reporter's further onslaught of martial arts madness."

A Democratic strategist who wished to remain anonymous said, "I'm afraid to walk down the street now. This suprise aggression has terrorized me. You never know when some biased conservative reporter is going to be lying on the ground facing up with his fierce limbs of kung fu fury flying at you from all directions. I'm always looking down now to make sure my path is totally clear."

There are conflicting reports from eyewitnesses over what the reporter was screaming while he was on the ground. It was either "Die, democrat die, I'll kill you, you lousy healthcare reforming, tax the rich and help the poor, save the planet from deadly warming, punish evil corporations for stealing from everyone, liberal, DIE!!!!!!!!", or "Ouch, please, help me up".

If it was "Ouch, please, help me up", you can be sure he said it very menacingly, with a look of pure terrorization in his eyes.

Mega Independent Special Election Coverage: The Mega Independent Endorses Martha Coakley

2010-01-13T06:17:00.000-08:00

As part of our continuing unbiased coverage of all things political, the Mega Independent heartily endorses Martha Coakley in the special election for the Massachusetts seat owned by Ted Kennedy on January 19th.

The seat, which embodies Kennedy's bold independent pioneering will of open-handed bipartisanship, is waiting for someone to fill it who can bring to the table a similar moderate, go-anywhere spirit.

This special election isn't about left or right, it's about moving forward. And how can you move forward with a 59-41 split in Congress, a virtual stalemate? Are frozen unpassable bills what the founders had in mind when they created the legislative branch? Obviously not or they would have specified that they were making a branch of government where they didn't want anything to ever happen.

There's an old cliche in Washington - "Nothing good ever gets done unless you force it through behind closed doors in the dark of night with an overwhelming majority that nobody can stop". It is just this brash, self-reliant, not-beholden-to-any-special-interest enthusiasm that Washington needs, and that Martha Coakley embodies.

Martha Coakley's fundraiser last night, hosted by a diverse range of top health insurance and pharmaceutical lobbyists, demonstrates a stout resolution of "working together" that America so desperately craves.

And who supports her opponent, Scott Brown? People with money, that's who. On Monday, Scott Brown initiated an online "money bomb" (note the threatening teabag terror language) where he claimed at the beginning of the day that he wanted to raise $500,000. Well, by the end of the day, he'd raised over $1,000,000, displaying both an obvious lack of foresight, poor judgment, and most of all, clumsy handling of all things monetary.

If you worked for some big financial company, and underestimated some future transaction by more than 100%, you would be out of a job right now. It's that simple. Is this the type of man you want voting for your thousand page bills?

Scott Brown will tell you that he is beholden to the special interests of the Founding Fathers. And he is. Provided they appear on spendable legal tender.

On Tuesday January 19th, you have a choice. Do you want someone in Washington who is going to do what she and the pharmaceutical industry know will make America awesome? Or do you want a me-me-me, go-getter in Washington, who is going to base all of his decisions on the money he can "bomb" for his next so-called "campaign"?

If you happen to be passing through Massachusetts on Tuesday, go to the nearest voting booth and vote Coakley. Then find another polling station and do it again. If you see someone at one of these precincts and they look like they might be voting for Scott Brown, casually brandish a night stick before they go inside and let them know that you know that they will "make the right choice". With any luck they'll get scared and call the police. By the time the law comes and sorts everything out, they might even forget that they didn't vote.

Please Note: The Mega Independent does not endorse violence or even the not-so-veiled threat of violence against anybody, especially if they agree with our deeply held core values. The threat of violence with a night stick is wrong and it is a choice you will have to make independently on your own, based on how much you happen to think somebody might disagree with you. The Mega Independent does not endorse the use of night sticks by civilians outside voting precincts, and at the bottom of this article, you will not see a list of places where you can find night sticks with donkey logos, in a variety of ultra-visible and mega-fashionable day-glo colors, in handy sizes that fit even the biggest, strongest, most menacing vote suppressing fists.

Tips on Greening Your Home

2010-01-11T07:22:00.000-08:00

It's 2010 and lots of us have resolved to care more about the planet. But are we actually doing anything about it? Our resident Green Expert weighs in with some tips on greening your home in the new year and making the world a much better, healthier and cooler place for everybody else.

* Many appliances that are plugged in tend to suck up invisible electricity when you're not using them. Unplug your TV when you're not watching it. Also unplug the fridge whenever the door is closed.

* Studies have shown that the electricity we burn by using artificial light in a single year is more than all the other electricity we use combined. Take photographs around your house during the day so you know where everything is. Then when night falls, don't use any of your lights. Just navigate around with the photographs you took earlier.

* People release lots of extra carbon dioxide when they laugh. Instead of playing funny games with your children, read them a depressing story.

And here's some Greening tips from the editors of The Mega Independent, which they themselves sometimes follow:

* Forgot your keys upstairs in your bedroom? Instead of using that fancy elevator to get back up there, try taking the stairs.

* That daily commute to your private jet is a brutal on the environment. See if you can remember to carpool to the airfield at least once a week.

* It takes a very carbon intensive process to make that dish of Filet Mignon. Replace your Filet Mignon once every few months with a New York Strip or perhaps a Coq Au Vin or Cassoulet Duck Confit. If your dish includes a wine reduction, tell the chef to make sure the grapes are local. You can never be too green or sacrifice too much.

* Your servants waste a lot of carbon dioxide going back and forth from the dining room to their quarters. Have them stand right there while you eat your meal in case you need anything.

We hope these tips are useful to you in the new year. The environment is ours to share. Together, we CAN make a differerence.

We All Owe Harry Reid A Gigantic Apology

2010-01-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

There's a new book coming out called "Game Change" in which Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is quoted as saying that Barack Obama is a "light skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one". A ridiculous stink has now been made about these comments.

It's obvious to any fair-minded or reasonable person what Harry Reid meant by what he said. When he said Obama was "light skinned African-American", he was obviously meaning that Obama was a "talented politician". And when he said "with no Negro dialect", he clearly meant "with several years of experience in the Senate". And finally, when Harry Reid said "unless he wanted to have one", he didn't specify what he meant by "one". Maybe he was talking about a burger, and saying Obama wasn't hungry. Maybe he was talking about a pony, and saying Obama was too grown up for one. Why do we need to make all these assumptions, cast aspersions and level attacks? What's with us these days? Why so partisan?

We owe Harry Reid an apology. Our push-button remote, X-Box 360, 24-hour blog, instant Twitter culture has gone crazy taking all kinds of words out of context and making big deals about them. How would you like it if someone suddenly made a big issue about something you said over a year ago and forced you to apologize?

You wouldn't. You wouldn't like it one single bit. Oooh... you said the word "African" in 2003. I guess that makes you a "racist" now. Let's build some gallows and hang you from them. Gee... I really hope you didn't ever say that somebody "wanted to have one". That's so prejudiced and controversial. And just imagine if you said he or she "wanted to have two"? That's doubly prejudiced. Wow. You ought to be fired and go to jail for saying people "want" things. That's apparently a capital offense now.

The bottom line is the real victim in all this isn't Obama or you or me. It's Harry Reid. The man just wants healthcare for everybody, taxes on greedy rich people and an end to America's policy of "dirty energy" and now everyone wants to get all over his case because he accidentally used the spanish word for "black"? Well excuse the man for being multi-lingual. Americans could learn a thing or two about knowing languages besides english. Did you know that most people in other developed cultures speak at least two languages?

And if "dialect" is such a terrible word, then I guess that means that all linguists are racists, too? They use the word "dialect" all the time. How come we're not forcing them to apologize?

I guarantee you that if Harry Reid was talking about a white person and said something completely different, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Say instead of saying "Barack Obama is a light skinned African-American with no negro dialect unless he wants to have one", Senator Reid said that "Meryl Streep is a fine actress who has won many awards and is starring in several upcoming movies", nobody would have batted an eye. Nobody. The hypocrisy and double standards here are as indisputable as they are disgusting.

If you have any moral values left at all, you will draw a picture of Harry Reid on a piece of paper and apologize to it right now. And just in case you cannot draw, we have provided a picture of Harry Reid below for you to apologize to. Turning away without doing so would make you an animal of the lowest possible phylum.

You should be thoroughly ashamed for what you have done to Harry Reid. That's if you're even capable of shame anymore.

Book News

2010-01-08T19:57:00.000-08:00

We are extremely proud to announce that our very own conservative columnist, Frank Finger, has a brand new book out in stores this coming Tuesday. Here's an advanced look at the cover:

His previous book "Why The Democrats Are Right About Everything: A Republican Explains It All" is now available in paperback.

DHP Releases New "Ultra Vigilant" Terror Guidelines

2010-01-07T09:31:00.000-08:00

As the attempted Christmas attack on Flight 253 reminds us, terror is something that isn't going to magically go away. Terrorism is around us and it's here to stay. But there are patterns, and there is stuff we can do, and it involves being extra vigilant around certain kinds of people. It means looking for suspicious things and reporting them if necessary.

Because of this, the Department of Homeland Protection has released some new ultra vigilant guidelines. As this newspaper is interested in stopping terror at all costs, we have reprinted these mega-helpful guidelines below. Please observe them, and happy terrorist hunting!

DHP Anti-Terror Vigilance Guidelines
Things You Should Watch Out For
1. All terrorists have skin. Be on the lookout for people with skin. If you see someone with skin acting strange or carrying a big bag that seems suspicious, go ahead and feel free to report it. Your identity will be protected. Feel free to mention the skin, but DO NOT under any circumstances, describe the skin. "Skin" is good enough. We'll handle it from there.

2. The vast majority of terrorist faces have two eyes and a nose. Also a mouth, with lips, and a surrounding facial area that is capable of growing hair. We're not saying there is hair on the terrorist's face, or specifying what amount there might be, or how long it has been there, or even if it's ever been swept, just noting that the face does have the potential for hair. If you see a face that may or may not have hair, STAY ALERT.

3. Be extra cautious around people with nostrils. One thing that DHP has noticed with all attacks so far, is that nostrils have a very, very strong correlation with terror. There are generally two of them, and occasionally they have the capability of flaring slightly.

4. If you see or hear someone breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, at any particular rate of speed, keep an eye on them. Acute eyewitnesses from every terror scene report that each terrorist so far has taken part in a one to one exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. If you suspect someone is participating in this so-called "respiration", there is potential that they are a terrorist. Do not approach someone that is respirating, except with extreme vigilance and caution. These people may be extremely dangerous.

5. Finally, if you are in a crowded space, such as a sporting event or airport terminal, and you see someone with a head, feel free to watch them and report them, especially if the head is attached to a neck of some kind.

The DHP takes reports of potential terror very seriously. Call in any reports you may have but do not be too descriptive. We're America. Let's show the entire world that we can handle terrorism without offending anybody.

Iran's Nukes Won't Be Ready Until 2011

2010-01-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

There is growing evidence that Iran's nuclear program could be more than just a green energy program. What was once considered by any thoughtful person to be a jobs-creating, environmentally friendly, progressive initiative has apparently turned into something slightly more inventive.

Iran may be developing nuclear weapons.

But, while proof mounts that they do have enough uranium to create the warheads, and they've been flaunting their launch capabilities - which stretch well into Europe and beyond - the good news is the program will not be completed until 2011.

That means we have at least another year of peace and happiness. And who but the most ardent tea-bagging scaremonger doesn't like the idea of a year of peace and happiness?

The bottom line is 2010 is going to be a wonderful year, where Iran does not have functioning nuclear weapons. So as long as it's still 2010, any threats they make toward other countries like Israel will be limp and lifeless. And any obliterations these weapons may incur will not happen until at least January.

That's next January.

So what are you worried about? A year is a long time. A lot can happen in a year. Are you trying to tell me a year isn't a long time or that a lot can't happen in a year?

Let's say Iran decides to eliminate Israel from the planet. It's not going to happen until at least 2011. It's not 2011 now, is it? Am I mistaken? Is my calendar wrong? Have I been asleep for a year? Did the ball in Times Square the other night have the wrong number flashing on it repeatedly with glitter and no one noticed? Maybe there was glitter in my eye and the 1 looked like a 0? Oh that's right, I wasn't even in Times Square.

So it's definitely 2010, right? Right. That's what I thought. It's not 2011 yet. So shut up.

Showdown: Republicans vs. Democrats - Healthcare Edition

2010-01-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

Although our level-headed readers are known for their balanced view of everything political - a little from this party, a little from that party - very often the winds in politics will shift and cause independents to break a certain way toward one side or the other. Because one day you may find yourself making a choice to align yourself with a party and put a big capital R or D next to your name for good, we at the Independent have decided to unveil "Showdown", an educational column devoted to giving you the most balanced information possible.

Showdown is where we break down the various ideologies that affect American life, so you can make an informed decision on who you want to be politically. Today we tackle the first of what will hopefully be many subjects.

Showdown R vs. D: Healthcare Edition

Level of Care

Democrats: Democrats believe healthcare is a basic right that should be extended to every single man and woman, boy and girl, regardless of color, sex, ethnicity, gender, race, creed, sexual orientation or level of brownness.

Republicans: Republicans believe that you should get sick and die. And if your family can't afford the burial, then they should also get sick and die until somebody is left alive who can afford to pay off Big Funeral, Big Cemetery and Big Undertaker.

Affordability

Democrats: Democrats believe that everyone should be able to afford basic, advanced and super-advanced care, regardless of poverty status, income level, monetary savings or ability to pay.

Republicans: Republicans believe there are five people in America who are rich enough to be able to afford basic healthcare. All of them are old, white men whose ancestors owned slaves. They believe the other 300 million people should die. Actually, they believe the other 300 million people should already be dead, but failing that, they can go ahead and die right now. Tomorrow at the latest.

The Children

Democrats: Democrats believe that if a child is very sick, he or she should receive all healthcare possible regardless of age, numerical status, youthfulness or life experience.

Republicans: Republicans believe that if a child is very sick, he or she should grow up and get a job.

Fear

Democrats: Democrats believe you should never be scared of anything, regardless of your level of fright, alarm, apprehension, panic, angst, trepidation or unease.

Republicans: Republicans want to scare you until you can afford to pay them to stop. When you lay down for bed tonight, check and make sure there isn't a Republican underneath it, waiting to make you sick and then laugh at you with his white friends because you don't have insurance. If he isn't under your bed, then he's in the closet. If he isn't in the closet, he is watching you on closed circuit television from a big expensive house in a remote location.

We hope this gives you a good overview of the many different views the parties have on the issue of healthcare. Choose carefully and vote with knowledge. And your heart!

"Greatness In Politics" Cards: Collect Them All!

2010-01-04T18:35:00.000-08:00

As part of our continuing hard-hitting political coverage, we would like to offer all of our readers a chance to experience political greatness through a set of special, limited edition, educational once-in-a-lifetime collectible cards.

Celebrate the most wonderful names in American politics and worship their incredible amazingness like never before. Put them on your fridge for your children to admire, or maybe store them in a special laminated folder to pass on to future generations.

Available for a limited time only below is Card #1. Collect them all!

Mega Independent Poll: Amnesty

2010-01-03T09:59:00.000-08:00

We polled 2000 Independent readers about Amnesty for Illegal Aliens to give a comprehensive picture of the humongous variety of feelings that are running high, far and wide over this extremely controversial matter. Thank you to all who responded.

A Little Terror Never Hurt Anyone

2010-01-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

There's lots of whining going on right now about the Underwear Bomber, the man who allegedly burned himself slightly on a flight inbound from Amsterdam to the U.S. Yes, it's true he might have been trying to blow up the plane. But it's also true that he didn't blow up the plane. People were scared, sure, but a little terror never hurt anyone.

Terrorism "works" because fear is a natural human emotion. If I were to terrorize you right now, surely you too would be scared. And studies have shown that people who are scared are more alert, and more apt to deal with surprises than people who are calm and happy.

Look, there's a bomb behind you!

See? That's scary. But you paid attention to what I was saying, didn't you. And if there really was a bomb behind you, you would know about it now, and you would be saved. And you would never, ever forget me, the man who put it there and then saved you.

Maybe if we listened more to what the terrorists had to say to us, we would learn lessons. Not just about them, but about ourselves. But unfortunately in this, the Twenty-Teens, the decade of Facebook, Twitter, and hey-look-at-what-I'm-doing-right-now-because-I'm-so-important-and-I-make-just-enough-money-to-feed-and-clothe-my-family-so-I'm-better-than-you, we no longer listen. We're a country full of selfish angry buffoons, wiling away the hours with our video games, our social tea, our house purchases, our GPS enabled planet-wrecking automobiles, and our greedy carbon-producing jobs.

On any given day, you probably care more about what your so-called "boss" tells you to do than what some poor unfortunate brown person in an oppressed country thinks about your misguided Western ways. And that's the real crime here. The bottom line is, we in America are the true criminals. We're the terrorists. We're the occupiers. We're the people we should be pointing our fingers at. But we don't.

Mistakes happen. People aren't perfect. Our elected leaders are not psychic deities that know every second of every day how to stop every single terrorist from ever getting on a plane. What should they do? Stop everybody who seems a little bit suspicious? And who defines "suspicious", anyway?

People could carry powder in their groin for any number of personal reasons. You want to go pulling a guy aside just because he doused his itchy jock in Gold Bond and it's pouring down his leg on his way through the metal detector, you go ahead and violate his rights. Then see if you can sleep at night, Mussolini.

So the next time you want to blame President Obama, or DHS or some other government agency that you now suddenly want to baby you like a helpless kid in some swaddle, stop complaining, take a deep breath and then put the real blame for everything that's wrong with the world where it actually belongs - yourself.

And if there's time, Bush.

Frank Finger is a five-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for The Mega Independent. And he's just been nominated for another Pulitzer for the above column, so make it six, baby.

Special Advertising Section

2010-01-01T11:21:00.001-08:00

Quiz: Are you Guilty of Profiling?

2009-12-31T07:06:00.000-08:00

Racism, prejudice and profiling have no place in civilized society. Take this short quiz to determine if you are guilty of profiling.

1. A bank robber ends up in a chase and successfully evades seven cops, sometimes approaching speeds of up to 130 MPH, and making a clean getaway. Which vehicle do you think he most likely used?

2. You are out shopping and need to pick up some tools at a hardware store. Which of the following establishments would you choose to go in?

3. Which of these colors most looks like the color blue to you?

4. You are a security screener at a major complex. You receive reliable advance intelligence from your superiors that someone who looks like Oprah Winfrey is carrying a bomb. You only have time to screen one person. Which of the following people do you screen?

5. 2 + 2 =

ANSWER KEYI answered...

Mostly A: Congratulations. You are not guilty of profiling and can sleep peacefully at night knowing you are a fair and open minded individual who believes in social justice and universal compassion.

Mostly B: You aren't guilty of profiling, either. Nor are you responsible for the plight of the Indians, the Eskimos or any other oppressed peoples throughout the world.

Mostly C: You are a profiler and a black mark on society. Your bias and prejudice knows few limitations. Take a good look in the mirror sometime and marvel at the face of hate. Then die.

TMI Exclusive: The Sarah Palin Interview

2009-12-30T06:11:00.000-08:00

Sarah Palin took a break from her whirlwind book tour to sit down and talk to The Mega Independent about her life, her loves, and what it's like to have a runaway bestselling book.

The Mega Independent: Mrs. Palin, thank you for sitting down with us.
Sarah Palin: Thank you for having me.
TMI: A train with Vladimir Putin on it is travelling east at 174 MPH. Another train is travelling southwest at 160 MPH. Putin's train left at 6:05 PM. The other train left at 7:30 PM. They started 752 miles apart. At what time will they meet?
SP: Uh... I dunno. Around 9:00?
TMI: Idiot! Everyone knows Putin doesn't ride the train.
SP: Oh.
TMI: Let's try something easier. What is the square root of 6,500,422?
SP: Hang on a second. Give me a minute here.
TMI: Take your time.
SP: Ummmm... one minute... ummmmmm...
TMI: Take all the time you need.
SP: 2549.592516462185?
TMI: HAHAHA DUMMY! It's 2549.592516462189. This is really the kind of basic thing anyone considering running for public office should know.
SP: Sorry.
TMI: That's okay. Ok, right. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M?
TMI: Wrong! I-T. I. T. We asked how you spell "it". Listening carefully to questions is a very important quality in a leader. You should really open your ears.
SP: Yeah, that's a really good point. I'll try and do better next time.
TMI: Ok. Here's an easy one. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
SP: Ummmm...
TMI: Not gonna answer this one, huh?
SP: No, it's just that...
TMI: Just that what? You don't want to tell us?
SP: No, I mean...
TMI: You mean what? Just answer the question.
SP: No, I mean, it's kind of a rhetorical question that people meditate on.
TMI: Why are you dodging the issue?
SP: I'm not. There's really no answer to it. That's the whole point.
TMI: No answer, huh? No answer. Well, I'm sure "no answer" is exactly what some big foreign leader is going to want to hear when he calls you at 3 AM. You make me sick.
SP: I didn't mean to.
TMI: The third law of thermodynamics states that if all the thermal motion of molecules - kinetic energy - could be removed, a state called absolute zero would occur. Absolute zero results in a temperature of 0 Kelvins or -273.15° Celsius. The Universe will attain absolute zero when all energy and matter is randomly distributed across space. The current temperature of empty space in the Universe is about 2.7 Kelvins. Approximately when can we expect this to happen?
SP: You got me on this one. I really don't know.
TMI: LOL! It's just theory! Moron! In saying you don't know, you have revealed yourself to be a denier of thermodynamics, the basic laws of the universal construct, otherwise known as "reality". What's next? You "don't know" about gravity? Denier!
SP: No... I was just...
TMI: Okay. Let's try something a little more simple for you. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: Uhhhh, I-T?
TMI: You schmuck! You think the longest word in the English language is just two letters long? And you think you could someday be President of the United States? How did you manage to write an entire book with words that were only one and two letters long? Was it in some other language? Huh? Stupid?
SP: It's just one of those things, I guess.
TMI: Ok. The final question of this interview tests your reflexes. Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: What?
TMI: Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: I'm not following you.
TMI: When you can take the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to be President.
SP: I can't. You're way too fast.
TMI: Well, there you go. Thanks for sitting down with us.