Thursday, November 4, 2010

Breaking: Bag of Connecticut Ballots Found on Moon

The too-close-to-call governor's election in Connecticut took a shocking turn of events early Thursday evening when a scientist at Columbia University spotted a bag of uncounted ballots on the moon.

"So I was just doing some research for a brand new study about craters, and lo and behold what do I see sitting in one? A giant bag of uncounted absentee Connecticut ballots."

What is not yet known is how the ballots got there, but some Democratic strategists propose that it was a bulk delivery that accidentally got rocketed into space within the last week or so.

"Connecticut... Cape Canaveral... those place names sound so similar, don't they?", asked one anonymous White House official. "Someone must have taken a wrong turn, ya know?"

Wrong turn, indeed. The race, which had previously put the Republican Foley up by roughly 5,000 votes was determined way too close to be called, and for good reason. A study out of a Canadian university last year said that votes that got stuffed into a bag and rocketed into space by accident and then later found during the recount process were ten times more likely to be for the Democrat in the race. And who knows how many ballots are in that bag? It's gotta be at least 6,500, which, if the Canadian study is correct, would put Malloy up by a few hundred votes and get him ready for seating in the Governor's mansion.

"I just hope those ballots survive the journey through the Troposphere so they can be counted accurately," remarked a Malloy campaign member with a smirk. "The electoral process in this country is absolutely sacred. And that means ballots that are hidden in car trunks, photocopied and found in mysterious leftover bags, or even ones that are discovered in deep space all need to be counted if we are to stay faithful to our Constitutional principles."

Constitutional principles. Let's see if the Tea Partiers want to complain about that one.

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