Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas, Infidels

As for those from whom you fear disobedience, admonish them and send them to beds apart and beat them.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Sarah Palin's Latest Stupidity: She Thinks Earth is a Plant

In a twitter message to her legion of followers the other day, Sarah Palin referred to our home, Earth, as a "plant".

"Can you believe she actually thinks Earth is a plant?", asked one anonymous Democrat Strategist. "If so, then where's all the chlorophyll, genius?!"

"Yeah," asked another, "What kind is it? Let me guess! A rhododendron!"

And here all along, we at The Mega Independent thought Earth was actually a planet, hurtling through space and orbiting the sun for billions and billions of years. Thank goodness Sarah Palin was there to correct us and remind us that we're all just living on a big leafy thing sitting in a pot somewhere.

She later corrected her tweet, claiming that it was a simple typo that anyone could make, but we know the real truth. She doesn't know the difference between planets and plants.

"What happened", asked one longtime Republican campaign manager who asked that he not be named, "Does she think that someone picked us up in the garden section at Home Depot? What an idiot!"

"Yeah," said another, "That must be some big plant! A big round plant!"

One of the main criticisms of Palin since bursting on the political scene is that she lacks the gravitas of basic scientific knowledge that everyone else has. The fact that she thinks Earth is a plant is not going to help her in this regard.

What's next, Sarah? Jupiter is a tree?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Special Advertising Section - Cinemax Double Feature

Tonight on Cinemax...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Democrats Petition Dancing With the Stars For Brandy vs. Bristol Recount

Last night's Dancing With the Stars is not without its controversy, as Bristol Palin, the much maligned daughter of former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, skated through into the television show's final round, beating out supreme megastar of the universe, Brandy.

The results of the vote, believed by many to be part of a much grander Tea Party conspiracy, is being questioned by some prominent liberal lawmakers, including Al Franken, the amazing, accomplished senator from Minnesota. "While it appears on the surface that the maligned Bristol Palin won fair and square, it's very possible there may be some 'lost' sets of votes that might possibly turn up in favor of Brandy", remarked a Franken aide. "We just want to make sure the process is fair."

Along with texting and computer voting, apparently many of the votes are still phoned in to old fashioned answering machines, and these machines are often transported via car trunk to central headquarters where they are counted by staffers by hand. "Disenfranchised answering machines", explained an anonymous Capitol Hill Democrat with a wink, "have a habit of turning up in the craziest places".

A report by someone close to DWTS claims that 200,000 votes for Brandy have already been found on a computer server that was mistakenly switched off by a staffer on Tuesday morning.

And reportedly another 80,000 votes for Brandy took a wrong internet turn on Monday night and ended up stalled all night in network traffic.

In addition, more than 50,000 votes were dialed in for the often maligned Bristol on phones with the old fashioned rotary dial and had to be thrown out completely. "Did they mean to dial a five and their finger missed the hole and dialed a seven instead? We just can't reasonably establish 'voter intent' in those cases", said the Franken aide. When you dial a seven on a rotary phone, the rotary dial actually goes past the five on its way to its destination.

"Maybe those voters wanted to vote for Brandy and Bristol once each, and didn't feel like making two separate calls. You just don't know. So we throw out the votes in the interest of complete fairness and integrity."

And while 300,000 or so found votes for Brandy sounds like the recount might be tipping the scales a little bit in favor of the incredibly talented singing superstar who everyone adores, it's fair to note that during the recount process, 2 more votes for Bristol turned up, also.

Added the aide to Franken, "Nothing is more sacred in America than the voting process, and we're going to make sure that every vote gets counted until the outcome is what it should be. Brandy got hosed."

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bazooka Barry and His Gang


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Breaking: Bag of Connecticut Ballots Found on Moon

The too-close-to-call governor's election in Connecticut took a shocking turn of events early Thursday evening when a scientist at Columbia University spotted a bag of uncounted ballots on the moon.

"So I was just doing some research for a brand new study about craters, and lo and behold what do I see sitting in one? A giant bag of uncounted absentee Connecticut ballots."

What is not yet known is how the ballots got there, but some Democratic strategists propose that it was a bulk delivery that accidentally got rocketed into space within the last week or so.

"Connecticut... Cape Canaveral... those place names sound so similar, don't they?", asked one anonymous White House official. "Someone must have taken a wrong turn, ya know?"

Wrong turn, indeed. The race, which had previously put the Republican Foley up by roughly 5,000 votes was determined way too close to be called, and for good reason. A study out of a Canadian university last year said that votes that got stuffed into a bag and rocketed into space by accident and then later found during the recount process were ten times more likely to be for the Democrat in the race. And who knows how many ballots are in that bag? It's gotta be at least 6,500, which, if the Canadian study is correct, would put Malloy up by a few hundred votes and get him ready for seating in the Governor's mansion.

"I just hope those ballots survive the journey through the Troposphere so they can be counted accurately," remarked a Malloy campaign member with a smirk. "The electoral process in this country is absolutely sacred. And that means ballots that are hidden in car trunks, photocopied and found in mysterious leftover bags, or even ones that are discovered in deep space all need to be counted if we are to stay faithful to our Constitutional principles."

Constitutional principles. Let's see if the Tea Partiers want to complain about that one.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Scientists: "Don't Eat the Pudding"

A new study out of the University of California Berkeley finds that if you see any pudding in the open air in the next few days, do not eat it.

Don't touch it. No matter how delectably chocolatey (or vanilla-y) it appears, just don't. And you would be better off not really inspecting it too closely, either.

Just trust us.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Institutional Racism Draws Mostly Whites to Stewart Rally

For those wingnuts out there complaining that the Stewart rally is all white, first of all, we just want to say that it's a comedy rally. Only racists like you would notice the colors of people at comedy rallies.

For years, Hispanics and blacks have been disenfranchised from comedy, so it comes as no surprise to the TMI staff that this rally, a comedy rally having nothing to do with politics at all, would be predominantly white. Maybe when hilariously funny African Americans and Hispanics are given a national platform to do their routines, will we start seeing black and Hispanic people more empowered to attend these rallies. Unlike the Tea Party, we do not fondly wish for the days of minstrel shows and Al Jolson singing "Mammy".

Until the day when, for example, Muslim comedians are given the same platform as everyone else, the structural racism inherent in the system created by the Founders will of course make rallies like this one appear to be relatively white.

The fact that this rally looks just as white as the Glenn Beck political rally a few weeks ago is just another in a long line of black marks on the Tea Party. Actually, it's probably a Tea Partier that came up with the term "black mark". From now on, to show our open-minded tolerance of all races and creeds, we'll refer to "black marks" as "marks of color".

Stewart Rally Draws 5 Crillion

Early reports from the Washington D.C. mall estimate that 5 crillion people showed up to John Stewart's Rally for Sanity today. This moderate, non-political rally demonstrates that Democrat voters are as engaged as ever, that independents, as always, will be voting Democrat, and progressives will crush everyone in their path on Tuesday, gaining, not losing seats in the House and Senate.

Corporate donations to campaigns will soon be illegal, while Unions will able to donate whatever they want to anyone at anytime. Say goodbye to the Bush tax cuts and hello to Cap and Trade, the new tax on everything. A moderate 10% VAT is now on the table, to stop corporate interests from selling you what they want you to buy, and what you think you want to buy. Government will now takeover whatever industry we have in their sights next. The sane party of liberals will win forever and the insane Tea Party will disband. All because John Stewart drew 5 crillion people. Wait, make that 6 bajillion.

Better luck next time, Rethuglikkklanners. Your rally a few months ago had no one. We have everyone. Sheryl Crow is there. Goodbye Tea Party. In the words of the great Goldfinger, "We don't expect you to talk. We expect you to die."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Teabag Fascist Nazi

Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag. Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag. Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag. Teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag teabag.Teabag teabag teabag.

Fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist. Fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist. Fascist fascist fascist. Fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist fascist.

Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi. Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi Nazi.

When is the Tea Party going to be regulated so we don't have do deal with things like the upcoming election anymore?

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Stupid Christine O'Donnell Doesn't Know That the Constitution Says Whatever Chris Coons Wants it to Say

Poor Christine O'Donnell. In a debate earlier this week, she made herself out to be an utter fool, not knowing that the Constitution contains whatever Chris Coons, her opponent in the Delaware Senate race, wants it to contain.

"Separation of Church and State" is in there. It's right there in the history books. Maybe someone should read a few of those books to her sometime. I'm sure Chris Coons owns some. Maybe he can lend them to her before the next debate. Also the right to regulate whatever Chris Coons wants to regulate, and to tax people for any reason Chris Coons can come up with. That's in his copy, too. It's called the "Commerce Clause". This witch sorely needs to buy a clue.

Unlike Christine O'Donnell, Chris Coons had absolutely no trouble knowing the most basic facts about what Chris Coons thinks the Constitution says. Just because he got a little tripped up and hasn't memorized every exact word or right contained in it doesn't mean he doesn't know what he thinks the Constitution means. And that's the difference. Christine O'Donnell is all about the so-called "words", and Chris Coons is all about the bigger picture. The much bigger picture. The picture created by Chris Coons.

Maybe if O'Donnell had prepared for the debate and taken the time to really understand Chris Coons' interpretation of the Constitution, rather than her own limited, xenophobic and literal reading of it, she wouldn't have come off looking so dumb. As it stands, Chris Coons outshined her thoroughly in reciting the Chris Coons Version of the Constitution. In fact, it wasn't even close.

Like all Tea Partiers, Christine doesn't even know the most basic fact about the Constitution, which is that it's first and foremost a living document. This means that the interpretations of the same exact words must change, as society changes. This is what the Founding Fathers intended, and this is what Chris Coons understands. For example, "shall not" might have meant "can not" at one time, but now it might mean "should not, but can". The disparity between what Christine O'Donnell said was in the Constitution and what Chris Coons thinks is in there was absolutely mindblowing. And sad for Tea Partiers everywhere.

But O'Donnell's most embarrassing flub came when she asked Coons what the five basic rights enumerated in the First Amendment were, and he didn't answer. That was probably the biggest possible showcase of her utter ignorance. Free advice for the next debate, honey: Next time you want to know what the five basic rights in the First Amendment are, you should probably Google it instead of wasting Chris Coons' valuable time.

The Mega Independent, true to our unbiased objective reporting, is not endorsing anyone in this race.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Campaign 2010 - Number One Issue On Voters' Minds: What is "The Event"?

A new NBC poll released yesterday finds that most voters this year just want to know what The Event is.

Is it some kind of apocalypse? Alien contact? A time traveling, butt-kicking Hitler clone? Whatever it is, it's a rollercoaster thrillride of nonstop action, and that's apparently what's going to matter most when voters pull the lever this year.

Which party is going to deliver on said thrillride? Is it the boring Republicans and their constant whining about terrorism, debt and spending? Or is it the Democrats, who, should they be voted in for another two seasons, have lots and lots more adventure and suspense in store for the country?

Here is the top list of likely voter concerns, according the NBC poll, dated October 10th:
1. What is The Event
2. Lindsay Lohan
3. The Chilean Miner's Mistress
4. Taylor Swift's New Album
5. Shoes

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Democrats Reveal Brand New Search Engine

In the face of the many lies and half-truths plastered all over the internet, and the "voter ignorance" that is currently sweeping the country, as Senator John Kerry (D-MA) so eloquently put it, the Democrats have unveiled a brand new search engine.

"This is the only way to cut through all the lies and distortions that are out there on the web.", remarked one Democratic Strategist. "Words can be very dangerous. People are fooled too easily. They just need someone to do the heavy information lifting for them and to show them the way forward."

Called "Truthgle", a barb squarely aimed at a current unnamed search giant that staunchly refuses to filter out lies and distortions, the plan is to eventually help take the internet, and the country, to a whole new level of progress.

A top level government official who wished to remain anonymous explained it thusly. "Hopefully, truth will multiply with truth and soon, that will be all that's left. Truth. Then Americans will be able to make informed voting decisions, instead of ones clouded by fear and ignorance. And if we can get Net Neutrality through, the plan is for this to become the #1 search out there, well, actually the only search out there. But don't print that yet."

TMI got to play around a little with Truthgle, and so far we really like what we see! Here are some screenshots:




Happy searching!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Special Advertising Section



Friday, September 24, 2010

Green Dating Tips

Global Warming is a problem that we all face, but there are ways to be green without sacrificing love. Here are some tips to be more environmentally conscious in your romantic lives.
* For her: Men waste a lot of energy and release a lot of excess carbon trying to bed you. Always put out on the first date.

* For him: Voicemail is stored on computers which release nasty environmental polluting carbon into the atmosphere. If you call a woman you've been on a date with and she doesn't answer her phone, do not leave a voicemail. Try calling back over and over and letting it ring until she answers.

* For him: The factories that produce chocolate are bastions of industrial waste. Try bringing her some homegrown sprouts instead.

* For her: If he takes you out to a restaurant, do not order any food. Instead give him a speech about how mass produced food is merely a capitalist byproduct of the powerful military-industrial complex, which keeps all the sheep happy and timid in our defenseless little herd. He will admire you for your strong beliefs.

* For him: When we breathe, we let out lots of earth murdering carbon dioxide. If your date is telling you a story, try staring intently at her and holding your breath until you can't hold it anymore. Repeat until the story is finished. The carbon you save will be equivalent to that released by giving a small child a ride to school.

* For him: If you notice she is talking a lot, try putting your finger to her lips and gently whispering to her, "Shhhhh... the Earth needs less carbon dioxide."

* For her: Laughing releases ten times as much carbon as regular respiration. Do not laugh at his jokes or stories. Instead, write "That is a very funny story." on a Post-It and then stick it to his plate.
Remember, the environment is ours to share. Together, we CAN make a difference.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The New Democrat Logo Has Given Me Sexual Liberation

An Opinion Column by Pauline Chandler

Last month, while I was hiking in the Adirondacks, I came across an injured bear. He was large, with big snarling teeth and claws that could more than likely shred me limb from limb. But while I was face to face with him and his irretrievably crippled leg, I simply laughed. That bear could no more harm me than I could harm a mountain.

Why? Because I have a brain that thinks. He is merely an animal. Where he has instinct to protect his little bear family and make his little bear leg work again, I have thougtful reason and cunning. Where he submits to volatile fire-breathing anger and backwards, cave-dwelling fear, I have informed consent over my emotions. I am superior to him just as I am superior to most of you.

Anger is a potent weapon, and fear is a crusted old motivator, as aged and refined as the wine in my 54 degree chilling cellar. And fear, like wine, tastes lovely in one's political adversaries. But that is only when there's not an election coming up where those in fear get to speak their seldom used minds.

Vote-casting by the unwashed masses is a relic of the 18th century, when that folly-laden gaggle of inbreds entrusted themselves with creating the world's most universally hated country, of which I am alternately very proud and not proud at all to be a part.

Proud on a night when we elected the endearing orator, the ocean-healer and healthcare-saver, Mr. President Barack Obama. And not proud at all in a few short weeks when the so-called "electorate" will put its panic-stricken ursine qualities to paper, and alter the course of human progress, setting all of his hard work back perhaps centuries.

That is why, last Monday, when I got a behind-the-scenes sneak preview of the new logo the Democrats have unveiled - a block letter D inside a circle, sublime in its simplicity, parboiled in its pluperfection - I began to feel things I have rarely felt before. What's more, something deep inside was telling me to act on those feelings. Since then, I have celebrated with not one or two, but with seven different men, one for each night that has passed since the Logo was revealed to me. I am a woman. Not whorish or slutty, but empowered.

When I see the blue D, I am at once entranced and transfixed, taken to a higher level of sexual consciousness. It's the 60's once again and I am tripping on acid and rolling in the mud somewhere in New York while a war that nobody wants rages in a country far, far away. I am liberated.

You see, while the vast declassed fixate blindly on the Logo's masterful design, their social betters are gathered in Washington, constructing pages upon pages of new progressive law. This law will be passed, one way or another, while the sheep sleep in the Logo's perfect light blue hypnosis, to take us all to a place of social justice and transformation, of fairness and true equality. That is what I see when I see the Logo, and it excites me in very special ways.

There was a lady yesterday, at a televised town hall meeting, and she asked the President why he has not done enough to make her life easier. She is struggling mightily, you see, even though she voted for him. She claims, quizzically, that her family is living on mere hot dogs and beans. She does not understand why things are not better for her yet.

Well, when you voted for President Obama, Missy, his promise was not to accompany your "franks and beans" with spoonfuls of dijon mustard, but rather to make things fairer for everyone the world over. That is why it is not up to Obama to "feel" your pain, but rather to "create" a little bit more of it. When you fracture a bone, as the failed policies of the last eight years fractured this country, often times the only fix is for the good doctor to break the bone all the way through, before the healing can truly begin.

So right now, it is Dr. Obama's job to break the bear's bones, to immobilize it in a cast of 100% political silence, while he and the rest of the elected superiors set about fixing things the right way. It is time, and not too late I might add, for our elections to cease, and the world to thoroughly transform. Only then, when the system has been reconstructed, can the cast truly come off. Any sooner and the pain will surely be excruciating. That is by design, I assure you. And with this, I am drenched in anticipation for the future of this country.

So, Miss Obama Supporter, when you emerge from your voiceless hole which you yourself clearly admit that you willingly and smartly voted into power, if you don't recognize the world you are in anymore, do not get angry like some pugnacious, degenerate bear fearfully defending its young and trying to fix its still mangled leg.

Do not swipe at the air with your clipped claws, because that sort of behavior is not becoming of a lady. Rather, be like me. Sit back in your study, use your brain a little bit more, and then have some wine. I recommend a 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild. I picked one up at Sotheby's yesterday and it was delicious.

Pauline Chandler is an independent Nobel Laureate who writes for The Mega Independent.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Scientists: Alarming Rise in Global "Feels Like" Temperature

While there is now considerable debate about whether there has been an actual rise in global temperatures over the last 20 years, scientists have noted one thing that cannot be debated. It "feels like" it's getting warmer.

Earth climatologists tell us there are two temperatures... the temperature it is and the temperature it feels like. In the winter, this is often known as the "wind chill factor" and in summer it is called the "heat index".

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have gone back through time to study these factors and indexes and have discovered an alarming trend. Despite data showing that the real global temperature has not really increased at all, and may in fact have decreased slightly over the years, it definitely "feels" warmer.

"If it continues to keep feeling warmer and warmer like this," remarked Candy, a world renowned climate scientist, "one day we will all feel so warm that it could totally feel like we're melting and stuff".

If this trend continues, we could wake up one morning and "feel like" the oceans are rising and flooding our coastal cities. We could "feel like" important crops are not getting enough water, which would make it "feel like" there is a sudden food shortage. We might even "feel like" there is a dangerous increase in violent storms and hurricanes, generating panic and fear everywhere and creating a climate that "feels like" worldwide hysteria.

There is yet to be an explanation for this phenomenon, but experts are surmising that it is due to man's impact on the environment. "We're not supposed to be here," said Mohammed Al-Zebuya, an expert on global climate change. "I think the planet doesn't like us and making the temperature feel hotter is her way of saying, 'go, go, get out of here, you people are no good'."

Environmentalists refer to this as the Stop and Go theory of human impact. The Stop and Go theory says that man needs to "Stop" everything we are doing right now, and then "Go", as in "go away" so the Earth can heal with the animals. So regardless of what you hear from Republican deniers, Global Feels Like Warming is a real problem, with what will "feel like" real catastrophic consequences.

The global scientific consensus is that it's time for Democrats to raise taxes on energy. They need to pass Cap and Trade, the gigantic earth-saving energy tax, to stop this trend, before we all "feel like" we're going to die.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

9/11/10 - Obama's 600th Day

President Barack Obama has been in office for 599 days. This is day number 600.

It's been quite a ride for Mr. Obama, one of unique opposition to all of his plans and unprecedented obstacles facing him. Nevertheless, the greatest president ever is nearly halfway through his historic first term.

This is the day we choose to commemorate our amazing leader. So please, let's all sit back and take a quick moment to remember what a struggle it has been for Barack Obama.

And while we're at it, let's never, ever forget it. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hunger Strike Day 1 - Update

The last presidential election was supposed to usher in an unprecedented era of hope... and change.

But while some things are clearly a lot better now, such as healthcare, race relations and the economy, many are worse. We are still fighting two wars we have no business being in. A certain Republican owned cable channel is still allowed to spread filthy lies and propaganda disguised as "news". And man is still busy polluting the planet with his carbon as we write this. And there are some elections coming up that are going to institute real change (back to the old ways of doing things) if we are not careful.

Thus, certain key TMI staff have come on board with this important hunger initiative in an effort to finally make some people in Washington listen up and begin instituting change on a much grander scale before it's too late.

So, yes, we're hungry, Mr. Obama. We're hungry for reform. And having considered all options, we don't think there's any better way to wake up Congress and the White House than to starve ourselves until we get what we want.

So, Washington... let us tell you what we had for dinner last night. Well, we had a small amount of food because the strike hadn't started yet. But let us tell you what we had for a midnight snack. Nothing. And what did we have when we woke up early this morning feeling more than a little peckish?

Nothing.

In fact, when we arrived at work, we strolled right by the Mega Independent breakfast buffet. Yes, there was a table graced with delectable pancakes and sweet Vermont maple syrup... strawberries and whipped cream... english muffins... sausages... bagels... cream cheese... eggs three ways... and guess how much of it we partook in, Mr. President. Guess how much.

We'll give you a hint: None. So what do you think about that, then?

Like many of our fellow citizens, we watched the President's Address to the Nation last week on TV. It was an amazing speech, filled with uplifting oratory that made our hearts sing with ultrafantastic joy. It was beautiful.

But sometimes, oratory isn't enough and action is needed.

As has long been the case, Republicans have far too much of a voice in our system of government. They have failed us, with thirty years of bankrupt policies that broke our system. And thirty years of broken policies that bankrupted our system. For that, the filibuster must be suspended through the end of the year, so that Congress can pass The Legislation We Need before the Elections By People That Don't Know Anything take effect.

When we get Cap and Trade, Mr. President, we might have a cracker. When we get unconditional Amnesty for all illegals, we might have a piece of fruit. When we get a withdrawal of all troops from all middle eastern countries, without preconditions, we might have a few beans. And when we get a ban on ALL unnecessary energy use, including the implementation of direct government control of all home and business thermostats, light switches and electrical outlets, effective immediately, we might have some pasta with some kind of light primavera mixture.

All we are asking for after that is a bill that guarantees fair wages, housing, insurance and education for all people all the time, regardless of circumstances or anything else. Not just for citizens of the United States, but citizens of the world. As you so eloquently pointed out during your historic campaign, we are all in this together. If you do that, we might have a tofu night.

We also need a bill that, as Mrs. Kathleen Sebelius, the head of your Health and Human Services department said, gives the people a "re-education" on healthcare reform. It's time for that. Come on. Less talky and more setting up of camps. Chop chop. Then maybe we can have some fried rice.

Finally, we only ask for an official restriction on any speech, written, spoken, or transmitted electronically, that impedes any of these aforementioned tasks, an offense with a minimum five year prison sentence, and a maximum punishment of death. Too many things have gotten in the way of change for far too long, Mr. President. It is a capital offense against good opinion to stop this kind of progress. Anyone with sense will agree. Especially after you pass that law. Then, and only then, will we have chili.

But until the above initiatives are ushered in through your electorate-granted fiat, Congress, and until the initiatives are signed by your election-mandated pen, Mr. President, you can expect us here at TMI to go to bed without dinner.

Monday, September 6, 2010

The Most Glorious of Days

TRYING TO SELL OUR UNIONS SHORT?
SEE YOU ALL IN LABOR COURT!

TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT!
ELECTION OUTCOMES WE DICTATE!

DO THIS FAIR SO NO ONE HURTS!
HAND IT ALL TO THE PURPLE SHIRTS!

The Mega Independent says have a Happy Labor Day.

Or else.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

TMI Video Game Reviews

Video games are pretty hot right now and TMI has the latest unbiased, independent word on what games to get and what games to avoid like the plague!

Proletariat Soldier of Fortune
In this first person shooter, you are Mack, a blue collar drone, armed only with a heart of gold, and a penchant for dishing out social justice one bourgeois body at a time. Although Mack's journey is linear and predictable, his ascent from unthinking robot, flattened under the jackboot of exploitative capitalism, to heavily loaded revolutionary fighter for the cause of the common good, is as satisfying as it is beautiful.

Packed with pulsating sequences of collective liberation, the climactic firefight against the evil CEO inside the First Class airplane lounge must be experienced to be believed, and makes this game a surefire classic. We don't want to spoil the ending, but stepping on the CEO's fingers as he hangs onto the wing of the plane for dear life, only to see him drop 20,000 feet toward the Himalayas, brought tears of joy to our eyes, and our closed fists of solidarity high into the air. We would give this game seven or eight stars if we could. It's the TMI Game of the Month, and a contender for Game of the Year.

Eco Warrior 3: The Ends Justify The Means
Hotter than 50 years of global warming and selling even faster than a factory can belch out a hurricane, this realtime strategy game takes "going green" to a whole new level of ultracool! You... are the Envirofreedom Coalition, and your job is to be as green as absolutely possible. For everything you recycle, for every light you find and turn off (this gets harder throughout the game as you turn off more and more lights), and for every fellow non-player character you convert to the environmental cause, you gain Earthfriend Points (EPs).

Collect enough EP's and your group can then use them to manufacture weapons of mass alteration, which you then strategically place to get Mother Earth out of the grip of consumption and greed, and returned to her rightful non-human owners. A well thought out fantasy, and a must-play for humans all ages.


Rules Committee: Tuesday Night Smackdown
This sports/puzzle game features all the heart-pumping qualities of fierce competition without the interference of silly concepts like "winning" and "losing". You play the head of the Rules Committee, and therefore your sole job (as Alcee Hastings (D) so eloquently put it) is to "make up the rules as you go along". What a wonderful way to teach children that there is no real right or wrong in the world, just different ways of looking at things, all of which deserve our respect and admiration. Also, let nothing like "rules" ever hold you back from achieving your dreams.


Captain Liberty, Jihadi Bagger Extraordinaire
Captain Liberty is a game filled to the brim with obvious right-wing political bias (we at TMI find putting politics into games to be totally contemptible, and the true last refuge of a scoundrel). In it, you're an American soldier fighting a Taliban-like regime somewhere in the Middle East. Your job is to kill "terrorists" in the name of "freedom" because they look different than you and have explosives. But the game ends before we get to see the real terrorism - the ruthless exploitation of the civilian masses and their oil fields. Yes, you heard that right. When all the "terrorists" are dead, the cities are declared "safe" for "liberty", people all over the country mindlessly cheer their new oppressors, and the credits roll. Lame.


USA Defender II: Home of the Brave
You are Jack Strong. You return from a weeklong business trip to find your entire family dead, apparently blown up by a radical group of foreign terrorists. It's now up to you to find the people behind the attack, and kill everyone along the way in this side-scrolling action shooter. More blatant right-wing bias and hypocrisy abounds, as your sole job is to kill a raft of ultra-religious foreigners who happen to be armed to the hilt. No negotiations. No sitting down at a table and talking things out like regular people. Just pure thuggery and intimidation of hapless victims by you, the player.

Throughout the game, you have no real proof that the "terrorists" who are constantly running towards you and shrieking in an ancient language intend to actually use the "weapons" they are pointing at you, or for that matter, the bombs they have strapped to themselves. Rewarding the player for shooting the bomb-holders before they even get to make the choice to blow anything up sets a very dangerous, almost fascistic tone. This presumed guilt is at best, an irresponsible lesson in bigoted racial profiling, and at worst, a hate crime of the highest degree.

Also, ditch the American flag on the cover. USA, USA, USA, yeah yeah, we get it already. Five stars for the hypocrisy. No stars for the game.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Green Recipe #380 - Soy Cheese Rice Latte With Shredded Mung Bean In Cold Coconut Oil

This entree recipe is as delicious as it sounds. It's healthy for you and far more importantly, it's great for the environment!
Soy Cheese Rice Latte With Shredded Mung Bean
In Cold Coconut Oil

Ingredients

2 cups shredded organic mung beans
1 1/4 cups coconut oil (separated)
1 cup soy cheese
1 cup rice (cooked and mashed)
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons flax seed oil
1 tablespoon turbinado sugar
2 teaspoons curry powder
2 tablespoons espresso foam
pinch of salt
1 gallon of water

Instructions

In a medium skillet, fry off the shredded mung beans in 1/4 cup coconut oil until they become very mushy and dark. Set aside.

Melt the soy cheese in the microwave until the consistency is similar to soft clay, or perhaps day old wallpaper paste.

In the same skillet, combine soy sauce, turbinado sugar, curry powder, flax seed oil and mashed rice and heat thoroughly. Cook until mixture rolls up on itself and resembles a baseball.

In a medium sized bowl, mash together the seasoned rice baseball and mung bean mixture for at least two minutes. Take the remaining cup of coconut oil and drop the mung ball into it. It should come to rest on the bottom. If it floats, it won't float for long. Refrigerate for between 4 and 48 hours.

In the refrigerator, the coconut oil will turn from a liquid to a solid, but first it will infuse with the delicious taste of the curried rice mung ball. When ready to serve, remove from refrigerator and gently spread the melted soy cheese over the top of the cup. Finish with the espresso foam and pinch of salt. Garnish with cilantro.

Serve family style with the gallon of water.
Happy being oh-so-kind to Mother Earth! She will thank you by not sending storms.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Possible Police Brutality Suspected By Us In Slaying Of Earth-Friendly Eco-Warrior

James J. Lee was shot and killed on Wednesday by police in a complicated case filled with many confusing details.

The circumstances of the shooting are not 100% verified, and as is our policy, TMI will not discuss any circumstances that are not known to be absolutely true.

What is known is that Mr. Lee was a heartfelt fighter for environmental causes that were near and dear to him. Before he was shot dead, internet postings revealed him to be a lover of animals of all kinds, such as giraffes. He was against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and had strong opinions about pollution, and the path he wanted humans to take in their efforts to make the planet a better place. And don't we all.

Mr. Lee urged everyone to "find solutions for unemployment and housing", and in these tough economic times, that sounds like one heck of an idea. He also believed, strongly, that children are our future. He decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. If he failed, if he succeeded, at least he lived how he believed. No matter what they take from him, they can't take away his dignity.

Alas, the greatest love of all did not happen to James J. Lee yesterday, as he was gunned down by a barrel of cold blue steel, in a case of possible misconduct that unfortunately raises more questions than it answers.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

TMI Poll: Among Independents, Obama Approval Through the Roof

With disasters like the Republican oil spill, the Republican wars, and the Republican Global Warming looming over his presidency, President Obama has been on some shaky ground lately. But like a political LeBron James, he is "rebounding" just in time for the mid-term election season. We polled 5,000 Independent readers to gauge their observations on the President halfway through his first term. Thank you for voting!

Monday, August 30, 2010

TMI Exclusive Photo Collection: Behind the Numbers of The Tea Party Restore America Rally

Members of the much maligned "Tea Party" gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on Saturday at the "Restore America Rally", hosted by much maligned talk show host, Glenn Beck. While estimates of the much maligned crowd vary widely, TMI has obtained exclusive photos to help with much maligned crowd estimation. When this photo from Saturday is enlarged, we believe this will be an unbelievably useful tool for obtaining an accurate headcount.

Happy counting!


In addition to the eminently useful photo view (above), we have constructed an "artist's rendering" of the entire crowd based on critically accurate eyewitness reports of TMI staff who also attended the rally. Here it is:


Better luck next year, teabaggers!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Puzzle Time

Now it is time to give a small quiz to our amazingly informed readers.

The two pictures below appear identical. But they are not! Study the two pictures carefully for at least ten minutes and then see if you can spot all the differences.

Happy Hunting! Answers Below!



The Differences

Family #1 lives in a society filled with all the familiar ills of the modern day. The mom and dad go to work for selfish corporations, and ride around in air-polluting automobiles. The automobiles run on oil that is stained with the blood of the robotic pawns of the military-industrial complex.

At night, the family uses heat and light to comfort themselves, blissfully unaware of their vapid, parasitic nature. The climate is unpredictable and ever changing. It is a world of imminent doom, for their false, plasticine smiles will abate when they realize what they have done to Mother Gaia. By then it will be too late, as She will be very angry, and may send storms.

Only then will they repent to the Environment and beg for mercy, but Gaia only loves you when you love her. The pain they will be dealt will be as uncaring and unfeeling as the 9 to 5 "jobs" the two parents "do" to "support" their "family".

Family #2, on the other hand, is living in a world of social and ecological justice where no one suffers from the climate, and everyone is equally happy.

The exact temperature is always predictable and no cutesy animals are ever in danger of extinction! There is no industry, no oil, no jobs, and no evil greedy companies doing business anywhere.

The food is grown in the garden, the bowls are handcrafted from ceramic. The ceramic is made by cooking dirt from the backyard in the family kiln and then painted with all natural color (brown) painlessly extracted from the shells of the friendly free range Indonesian Dung Beetles they loosely keep as pets.

The family kiln is made only from twigs and leaves and uses the sun as its heat source. This technique was taught to them by a Cherokee family who lives next door in a permanent state of peace and harmony.

Unlike Family #1, who gets their clothes through rampant consumerism, Family #2's clothes are manufactured and cleaned by the government. The outfits you see here are "Monday". At clothing pick-up time, each family member is examined by government physicians for conditions which may prove an unnecessary burden to the collective.

The happiness on Family #2's faces is genuine, for these people have sacrificed long and hard for their government and their Gaia, and finally after a long period of suffering, utopia has arrived! No workers were exploited in the production of this picture!
Key: Give yourself a point for every difference you spotted. Then send in your score to TMI. When we have received replies from every reader, the total number of points will be added together and then divided by the total number of replies. This new average will be sent back to you individually, and that will be your final score. If it is more than your original score, then congratulations on your promotion! If it is less than your original score, then congratulations on your sacrifice!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Special Advertising Section

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Memo: Now We Will Substitute the Word "Racist" With the Word "Bigot"

CONFIDENTIAL MEGA INDEPENDENT MEMO - FOR INTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ONLY - DO NOT POST

Mega Letterhead

Aug. 18, 2010

Colleagues,

Here is some guidance on covering the dissident opposition for the foreseeable future, with assists from friends in our Chicago bureau and in Washington:

1. The term "racist" is no longer appropriate. While it worked for a while to stifle the dissent of various teabagging types, the general public are now practically ignoring it due to it's egregious (yet correct) overuse. There was also a videotape that circulated a few weeks back where it appeared a woman of color had herself been a "racist" many years ago. Now the word "racist" has lost its useful power and meaning.

2. The fact is Americans now apparently believe that people of any color or gender can be considered "racist", which is a most disheartening turn of events for us. We suggest that from now on, every time you want to call someone a "racist" in an article, you instead use the more supercharged term, "bigot".

3. "Bigot" paints a picture of hatred and intolerance from an Archie Bunker type, and we need that picture in order to cut through the lies and distortions of our opponents, and continue the distribution of Megatruth to the masses.

"RACIST" IS NOW "BIGOT" ... "RACISM" IS NOW "BIGOTRY"

Some examples of how to use the new terms correctly include:

• Instead of "The racist tea partiers gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial", use "The tea partiers gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and let's face it, they're just a bunch of bigots, anyway"

• Instead of the headline "Racism Suspected In Republican Opposition to Obama Agenda", try "Bigotry Suspected in Republican Opposition to Obama Agenda"

Has a nice ring, doesn't it?

NOW GIVE IT A BOOST

One of the unintended benefits of this forced word switch includes being able to emphasize it with very powerful adjectives.

a. "The bigots don't want healthcare reform because they are in the pocket of the insurance companies" becomes "The hateful bigots don't want healthcare reform because they are in the pocket of the insurance companies".

b. "Although they claim they merely oppose out of control government spending, we know that it all just boils down to bigotry" becomes "Although they claim they merely oppose out of control government spending, we know that it just boils down to vicious, resentful, sleazy bigotry, the likes of which has not been seen in this country since the execrable Jim Crow era".

(Use your mentions of Jim Crow sparingly. Pick your spots. About once every three articles is the correct ratio. More than that would seem like we are exploiting embarrassing history for gain, less than that would seem like we aren't exploiting embarrassing history for gain enough.)

Note: Be wise about your word use. If you previously were going to call someone a "big racist", it would not be appropriate to make a simple substitution and call them a "big bigot". That clearly does not trip off the tongue. We suggest "large bigot", "huge bigot", "enormous, hulking bigot", or "oversized, thundering bigot who hates".

Thank you.

Postscript. In six months to a year, we will be sending out a similar memo, except instead of replacing "racist" with "bigot", we will be replacing "bigot" with "zealot". DO NOT use the word "zealot" or "zealotry" in reference to the rightwingers yet. But by all means keep using it when talking about terrorists and terrorism. We need to roll that one out very slowly so as not to diminish its power before the 2012 elections get underway.

Thank you and happy independent unbiased newsgathering to all!!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

TMI Exclusive: The Sun Will Set Tonight... Unexpectedly

A new study out of the University of Alberta, Canada claims that the sun will set tonight and could rise tomorrow... unexpectedly.

Although we will be surrounded by darkness tonight as the sun lurches beneath the horizon, a small group of scientists are now claiming that it will in fact come back in the morning, bigger and brighter than ever. But science has been wrong before.

"The apparent stillness of the Earth is our leading indicator", reported an anonymous Democratic representative with a scientific background. "Are you seriously telling me that that immense fireball, which is disappearing before our very eyes in that direction (pointing west), is going to mysteriously reappear over there (pointing east) at some point in the future? Look how dark it's getting. That thing is going down. And if we don't do something about it right now, we're in big, big trouble."

The Mega Independent Investigative Research Team (Working For You) sent observers out in all fifty states and each watched as the hot ball of flame streaked across the sky yesterday and eventually out of view, creating widespread blackness. The study demonstrated that it in fact did get darker, nearly pitch black in fact, as the chill of the night air set in. As of this printing at 2 AM, there is no hint of the sun ever coming back, despite claims to the contrary by the Darkness Deniers.

President Obama interrupted his trip from Martha's Vineyard to the Bahamas, to hold an emergency historic speech to ease the fears that gripped a nation. "As the wave of darkness sets in across this country, we must take steps to survive this crisis. I have authorized Congress to appropriate a new spending bill, The Darkulus, which will help ease the pain of our limited sight tonight."

He continued, "In the dark, there is no white, no brown, no red and no yellow... we are all the same color and must come together as one. We must be reminded at all times of this fever-pitched need to focus on racial makeup like a laserbeam. We need to focus on it at the dinner table, at the water cooler, in the kitchen and around the campfire. We need to focus on race at work, at home, at school and at play. We will talk about race on the playground, in factories and in the doctor's office. In fact, some 'Census Takers' will be around at your door in the coming weeks to make sure you are having the national discussion on race. If you are not, then appropriate steps will be taken to make sure that you are. The time for talk is over."

Obama concluded his speech with powerful words. "University scientists all around this country have informed us bleakly that the sun, our friend in space for over 40 trillion years, has gone away and is never coming back again. Yes, there is a small minority of Deniers who claim otherwise, that it will rise tomorrow and set again, but unlike previous administrations responsible for the failed policies of the last eight years, we do not look at one thing and say it is another. We are not happy with the status quo. It's dark outside right now and to us, that constitutes a crisis.

Let me be clear. The 500 billion dollar Darkulus bill will ease our shared burden, and if we spend enough money, then maybe one day, perhaps tomorrow even, the sun will rise again... unexpectedly. And if you like your daytime, you'll be able to keep your daytime. We will get that sun fired up. Ready to go. Thank you and goodnight, err, goodbye."

The Darkulus Sunshine Reform Bill of 2010 will send much needed taxpayer money to fund Democrat campaigns in important election races across the country, as they fend off science-denying, darkness-loving Republican challengers, and work to get us going in the right direction. If and when the sun does come back, Democrats will be the ones working tirelessly to make sure it doesn't ever leave us again.

"A world with no sun forces us to waste superfluous energy on things like artificial light", explained Lucy, 12, an environmental activist and Honorary Code Pink Kiddie. "And when we use too much energy, it causes Global Warming. And Global Warming is bad, which is why we need the sun back as soon as possible. If we are to ever put a stop to Global Warming once and for all, we must keep the sun shining constantly high above us in the noonday sky, never to leave us again. That will stop us using the nasty energy and make sure we stay cool all the time. Obama is going to fix it. Obama is going to teach us."

And the Sunshine Reform bill will help advance medicine, too. The Mega Independent Healthcare Team reports that there are over 400,000 accidents a day in the United States. That number would go way down if the sun was always there to light our way and keep our vision clear. Accidents are a tremendous burden on our healthcare system, keeping our highly trained doctors busy with silly things like gashes and broken bones.

Republicans have repeatedly claimed that there is no need for Sunshine Reform, that the sun will definitely come back tomorrow, only to set again and again and again. Well, we need to break this corrupt cycle of greedy bright days, and impoverished, empty nights. Why should one 4:00 (am) be much darker than the other 4:00 (pm), Mr. Republican?

We need exactly the same amount of light and warmth at all times. The choice is clear. It's time for fairness and equity once and for all. It's time to pass ObamaShine. It's time for daylight justice.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Puttin' the Car In (D)!

President Obama recently came up with a stirring analogy which concisely summarized the position America is in right now as we stare down some unfortunate elections this November.

He said, "When you want to get in your car and go forward, what do you do? You put your car in (D), you don't put it in (R)."

Along with being amazingly tempered, highly bipartisan, and stunningly witty, Obama has now revealed himself to be a master of parallel ideas and deep thoughts. The Mega Independent Investigative Team (Working For You) has recently gotten ahold of some more analogies Obama is toying with breaking out on the campaign trail, as November inches ever closer...
1. "When you're sick and you want to get better, you go to the (D) - Doctor... you don't go to the (R) - Rental Truck Place. And the (D)octor is going to make you better. The (R)ental Truck Place is only going to try and rent you a truck and prevent you from getting immediate treatment, which could only make you sicker. Plus they have fumes there, which definitely won't help your cough, if your illness involves one. Am I right?"
2. "When you want something good to eat, you go into the fridge and you get something that is (D) - Delicious... you don't go to the garbage can and get something out that's (R) - Rotten. You just don't! And that's what these failed policies of the last eight years are... Rotten! You see... the (D) stands for for (D)elicious! That is, in terms of food you would want to consume when you are hungry. And (R) is for Rotten, which isn't good for you. Get it?"
3. "When you go out at night, and you're young, and say it's going to be a first date of some kind, and you're taking out a girl, you want to look your best. So you put on something (D) - Dapper. You don't go putting on something that's (R) - Wrinkly. We need to vote (D) and stop the wrinkly old policies from the party of 'no'... no irons, that is."
4. "When you're at a therapist and you've got a bad memory from childhood and you want to get rid of it so you can enjoy more of life, you have two choices. You can (D) - Deal with it... thereby releasing its vise-like grip on your adult experience, or you can (R) - Repress it, and let the bad memory continue to fail you like it has for the last eight or more years. (R)epressing is bad! (D)ealing is good. Who's with me????"
5. "And when you're stuck on some futuristic planet and the alien beings there have advanced weaponry that you don't recognize. Well, say one of these beings decides he wants to take a shot at you with a laser of some kind. What do you do when you want to avoid it? You (D) - Duck... that way the laserbeam will miss you and maybe hit another alien, and the alien who shot it will hopefully have to wait for his thing to recharge, at which time you can turn your head and pretend to be wiping your lip for a minute with your elbow bent, and then suddenly without warning suckerpunch it out of his hand, and then wrestle with him until Spock arrives. That's one choice that you, as an American voter can make. You can (D) - Duck. Or, on the other hand, you can try to (R) - Run. But last I checked, alien lasers are faster than human beings, even in the future. So you end up getting hit in the back and you are disabled, or possibly even dead. That's the choice that we as Americans are all going to be making. Duck the advanced laser and survive... or try to outrun it and get hit in the back and fall down in a heap. What do you think is better for America, America?!!?? I know what I think is better, America! I know what I think is better! Fired up! Ready to go!!! Fired up!!! Ready to go!!!! Fired up!!!! Ready to go!!!!!!!"
Truly amazing stuff from a truly amazing man. And whatever analogy the President eventually sticks with, the message is clear - this November, when you stand in the voting booth, under no circumstances are you to remember that the (D) on your ballot really stands for "(D)emocrat".

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Special Advertising Section: Obama Spice

Hello. I'm at hole #1. Look over there at hole #2. Now back at me. I'm at hole #5 and I've just shot a birdie. Don't you want to be here? Now look at your bank account. It's empty. Now look at the Gulf of Mexico. I've fixed it with my magic powers. Now back to me. I'm at Martha's Vineyard and I'm on vacation. Look up. It's Air Force One. Now you're unemployed. Now I'm in Nevada, campaigning for someone. Don't you wish you were me? Look down. At your calendar. Now it's the third of the month and you're in a long line waiting for food stamps. Now back to me. I'm at the White House having dinner with someone you would like to be. Look in my hand. Now you're living in your car. Where did I go. I'm in Denmark and the Olympics are coming to Chicago. Look over there. Now they're gone. I meant to do that. Now look at that mosque, it's going to be pretty. Now back at me. Look at these abs. I'm the picture of health. ObamaCare has started. You haven't bought insurance and now you're in jail. And now it's me again. I've got all your taxes.

I'm on a cruise.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Planning Board Gives Thumbs Up to Ham Sandwich Factory on Top of Mama Cass's Grave

Mama Cass Elliot of "Mamas and the Papas" fame is about to get some much needed company in her final resting place. A 20,000 square foot state-of-the-art ham sandwich factory will serve the people that love them, churning out up to 50,000 ham sandwiches a day. There will also be an accompanying museum dedicated to celebrating the history of this especially tasty food item.

"The ham sandwich is not completely 100% perfect", says the developer and future curator of the museum, Shark51, "but it sure is delectable, and so many people love it to this very day, and do believe it is 100% perfect. Yes, it is tragic what happened to Mama Cass, having apparently accidentally choked to death on one, but we must all remember that part of a ham sandwich was lost that day, too."

"In fact, the ham sandwich really would be 100% perfect were it not so misunderstood", he continued, "and we hope this will be a place where everybody can grow and learn."

The Mega Independent Research Team has found that over a million pounds of ham sandwiches are consumed each year by people who love them. And although Mama Cass's particular encounter with one was not so fortunate, it is certainly not the fault of people who love ham sandwiches. "America is supposed to be a place of free enterprise and freedom to do whatever you want anywhere, is it not?", queried the curator, with a wry smile.

A 30 foot tall statue of a half eaten ham sandwich will loom extra tolerantly over her headstone and grave, so that thousands a day may show up to worship its glory. And as for why the developer has chosen this particular site, he spoke of community and of America's traditions. The new company, "Fat Singing Bitch Who Eats Too Fast, Incorporated", will occupy the site and create the tasty delights.

Asked if he thought the name of the company might be insensitive to some, especially given the proposed location of its manufacturing headquarters, the curator explained that a "Fat Singing Bitch Who Eats Too Fast" historically would represent a place where sandwiches and people have come together and existed very harmoniously. And developer Shark51 gives what they hope will be the last word on this story: "Anyone who finds this factory or its location offensive is really the offensive one."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Mega Roundtable - The Economy

With the summer ticking along very nicely, the economy has proven to be the number one issue on everyone's mind. We have gathered a roundtable of diverse wide-ranging opinions to discuss this and other pertinent issues.

Issue #1 - Obama and the Democrats

Moderator: George Bush left this country with the most troubled economy in the history of the world. It was up to Obama and the Democrats to rescue us all from the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. What is your opinion on what they have done with all these Republican lemons. Have they made lemonade, or are the lemons still "percolating" in the lemonade maker and will it take some more time?

Commentator #1: I don't think it's fair to say that George Bush left us with the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. George Bush and his rich fatcat Republican cronies left us with the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. And galaxies, too, if galaxies are bigger than universes.

That would be a more accurate statement. And as far as lemons go, I think it would be fair to say that the Democrats aren't just making lemonade, they have invented a lemon drink that is so darned tasty and refreshing, it will knock your little socks off! It just takes a little longer to make than regular lemonade, that's all.

Commentator #2: Well I'm sorry, if we're going to talk about Bush, then what about all the problems he inherited, and that he had to face. What about the dot com bubble burst, and what about 9/11?

Commentator #1: Well, every President knows he's going to have a few problems to deal with here and there, and George Bush.......

Commentator #2: Hold on. I was just kidding. Everyone knows George Bush didn't have to deal with any real problems! Bush doesn't deal with problems. He makes the problems!

Commentator #1: On that, we can agree!!!!

Commentator #2: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Commentator #1: Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Commentator #2: You know, you're funny, Commentator #1.

Commentator #1: Awww... and so are you, Commentator #2. And very likeable. If I may say, in an Obama-ish kind of way.

Commentator #2: You flatter me! I am not worthy, nor will I ever be worthy, of praise that dares mention Obama's name.

Please... never use the same breath to contain us both again. I am but a mere speck, a morsel of subhuman matter, an infinitessimal waste of carbon atoms, water and directionless synaptical pulses, compared to Mr. Obama. Excuse me, Mr. President Obama.

Commentator #1: I know. I was just saying I thought you were really something special. You definitely know your economy and you certainly know the Republican Party and all their job and economy-destroying ways, backwards. And you're articulate about it. I'm sorry, but I have to say it's very attractive on you.

Commentator #2: Thank you. You're not looking too bad there yourself, Commentator #1. Do you have a little time after the article is done?

Commentator #1: Yeah. I have time.

Commentator #2: I gotta say... that you maybe even have a little...uhhhhh... a little hint of Obama in you.

Commentator #1: Stop it. You're gonna make me go red in the ears, Commentator #2. I'd be fortunate if I even had an sliver of his common sense or an iota of his leadership, fairness, eloquence, economic acumen and/or justice in me. Or if I could just have a small lock of his hair that he accidentally left on the podium after a speech, that I could put inside a book with his name on it, drawn inside little red crayon hearts. That would make my day... my year......... my life.

Commentator #2: I know exactly what you're saying.

Commentator #1 and #2: {siighhhh........}

Moderator: Well, that's all the time we have here on Mega Roundtable. It is always good to be reminded that no matter how widely we differ on political issues, even at 180 degree opposite ends of the possible political spectrum like our two representative commentators, there is always a middle ground somewhere.

And that is a middle ground which we at the Mega Independent strive to seed and water daily, as part of our very life's work. Tune in next time and watch this garden grow!

Monday, August 9, 2010

2010 Year In Review

Well, 2010 has just about to come to a close and what a year it was.

Climate

First of all, according to every report and estimation, 2010 was the warmest year on record by a longshot. In fact, as of this writing, the temperature in the northeast was about 87 degrees, by far the hottest day for any of our Year-End reviews ever. On the day of our last one, for example, December 31st, 2009, the temperature was about 24 degrees, only 63 degrees cooler. How's about that one, wingnuts? Still don't believe in Global Warming?

Of course, despite 2010 being so warm, with the icecaps melting at an alarming rate, and there being a dire need for climate legislation where we all pay a lot of money to people who know exactly what to do with it to make everything better, the oceans have mysteriously already stopped their rise and the planet already begun to heal. We wonder why...

Politics

Entering 2010, pundits across the land were wailing about how there were going to be "massive gains" in the House and Senate for the Republicans, and that one or both houses may even turn over. Well, by our non-partisan independent count, the Republicans gained one entire seat in the Senate in 2010, and, as the year comes to a hearty close, the Democrats still have two fistfuls of control in both houses. Better luck next year, Rethugs! From Party of No to Party of No... Gains!

Presidential Approval Rating

Although it was a difficult year for the President, with many a Republican-caused, Bushian-Rovian crisis averted, The Mega Independent Approval Rating Forecast Index shows an upward trend for him as the end of 2010 draws upon us, that is nearly vertical in places.

Eat your heart out, Mount Everest! Only this line shows no sign of going back down on the other side! Our Index is like a big steep group of stairs in a giant building that are so narrow, you can only go one way! Up, up, up!

In case of fire, break glass and jump out... way out... to the safety trampoline below! What a year! He's off the chart! What number is higher than 100? We may need to invent one before it's all said and done!

World Events

Environmentally, 2010 will be remembered as one of the safest, cleanest years ever. The President is moving us to clean renewable fuels, such as solar, air, water, clouds, sky and rainbows. He knows that there is still somewhat of an "old way" reliance on oil, but he is keeping the messy part away from us by enforcing even stricter standards which will make sure that oil is only extracted from the deepest, darkest, most pressure filled parts of the sea, as far away from land as possible. That's why Republicans are the Party of Pollution and Democrats are the Party of Science.

The Respectful Disagreement With Man Caused Events

Despite the warnings of frantic right wing nuts, Iran still doesn't have "the bomb", but rather a whole lot of harmless centrifuges doing some virtuous calculations and spinning around like an innocent four year old ballerina. But hey, let's attack them for oil anyway!

Guess if "the bomb" is so bad, we should give it up, too, then. That would only be fair, right? Oh yeah? Well, tell it to Japan! Too late now! We've made our bed and if some nut destroys the Western World with some really big bombs, we know who we'll be blaming... and it definitely won't be the nut!

And in other man-caused news, nobody successfully "attacked" anyone on U.S. soil or in a major urban center, and if they did, it was because they were angry about a foreclosure, or maybe the Presiden't skin. Sometimes things happen for reasons that aren't immediately explainable by a confession, or by a blood-curdling shout of the words "Allahu Akbar" (which our translator tells us has many different interpretations).

Wrap-Up

2010 was a glorious year. It was a warm year, where people across the land barbecued, swam in outdoor pools, and even attended Major League Baseball games as we penned the annual year-end summary, and nobody batted an eyelash. The Republicans tried very hard to distract you from the Year Without A Winter by talking about stuff like "jobs", but the Mega Independent was there to break the story. A story that affects you, and your skiing.

It was a year where the political landscape shifted barely at all, if not slightly leftward, and Obama received massive adulation and rating in our Patented Presidential Approval Index. It was a year in which no one was attacked by a "scary moslem person", and if they were, the attack was unsuccessful and for reasons that need to be explained to you.

We're looking forward to independently serving you in the most objective way possible tomorrow, when the next year starts and we do it all again. Go Big D!!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Democrats Lead Huge on Generic Ballot

According to the latest Mega Independent poll, Democrats have opened up a substantial lead in generic Congressional balloting for November 2010. We polled 4,000 independent respondents in our usual non-partisan way and found some surprising results...

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Beautiful New U.S. Health Care System Chart Unveiled

Congress has just released a chart that gives a little more insight into the terrific new healthcare system that President Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and the rest of the Democrats created, in spite of the objections of backward Republicans and racists across the land.

The chart is a bit difficult to read at this resolution, so the Mega Independent Healthcare Advisory Team (established March 2010; board rights, responsibilities and duties coming soon!) has released a key that explains it all.

Dark Blue = Awesome
Orange = Fantastic
Yellow = Amazing
Light Blue = Super Duper
Tan = Incredible
Green = Glorious

Diamonds = Extraordinary
Squares = Mindblowing
Rectangles = Electrifying
Circles = Monumental
Hexagons = Primo
Lines = Tremendous

Who needs the old system which was just boring old patients, doctors, hospitals and insurance companies when you can have THIS? Ohhhhhh, beautiful for spaaaaacious skies, for amber waves of graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaainnnnnn..........

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hero Democrat Saves Constituent From Deadly Killer Bees

Amazing new video has surfaced of Democrat Rep. Ciro Rodriguez from Texas throwing himself in harm's way to avert potential disaster for a roomful of constituents.

After being challenged by a disgruntled Tea Party activist on the Republican version of "truth", Mr. Rodriguez spoke real truth to power... and then saved her from a swarm of deadly killer bees.

20 years ago, killer bees, manufactured in a lab and let loose by accident, infiltrated this country and 67 others. Some scientists estimate they have since caused somewhere north of 21 million deaths. "Nobody knows the true number of deaths, since death by a swarm of killer bees is so similar to death by natural causes", remarked one Insect/Climate Scientist from UC Berkeley.

Republicans are more than happy to carp constantly about all about the so-called "illegals" crossing the border from Mexico, but when it comes to real murderers, they are silent and inactive. Only one man in this election season, a Democrat, has stood directly up for the civil right to not be killed by killer bees.

Take a look at the video and see it for yourself. At 27 seconds, he notices the bees, and moves closer to his challenger, to protect her. But the act of pure heroism occurs at 34 seconds, when he takes a mere newspaper and smashes the swarm, which had obviously been disturbed by her loud, obnoxious dissent. Even a bunch of mutated bees know that it is not up to her, a lowly citizen, to question the purity, motive, or honestly of her rightfully elected representative.



You'll also note that once he's smashed the living daylights out of every last bee, he says firmly, "I'm not going to take any {inaudible}". Well, the inaudible part is obviously "credit". He knows what he's just done. But he doesn't want any credit for it. He just wants to represent.

Republicans want to build a wall on our border, a wall that could never be tall enough to stop killer bees. Or they want to build a fence, with holes in it that any swarm could easily fit through, one or two at a time. But Ciro Rodriguez knows the score. He kills them first, and asks questions later. That's why we are granting him our Mega Independent Medal of Honor, and our Mega Nobel Prize... for Amazing Selflessness.

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Time For Financial Reform Is Now

Republicans in Washington are looking to keep the status quo and to protect their friends on Wall Street by blocking yet another stimulus bill designed to get our struggling economy moving in the right direction.

This is the sixth or seventh stimulus bill that this Congress has passed, and each time, Republicans with friends in high corporate places have attempted to either stop or slow down its progress.

"People are struggling", one Democratic Congressman remarked with a smile, "They are having a really hard time out there and they need us to take action", he said while wolfing down a twelve dollar sandwich.

"And now you can see the results of inaction," Obama said in a press conference in a mostly packed Wendy's filled with tens of people who couldn't wait to get a small glimpse of him. "It's been at least four weeks since Congress passed a 100 billion dollar stimulus, sorry, um err, jobs package, and look, people are still out of work, and the housing market is collapsing again. The failed policies of the last eight years have taken root again, only this time it is the failed non-policies of the last four weeks which have gotten us into this mess."

"Yes, I would like to see the economy better," commented Hector Valdez, a typical man on the street with an opinion.

I think we all would Hector. I think we all would. Well, except those Republicans. They just want the status quo. They are loving the recession. Us writing it is practically the same as them admitting it. They are loving the recession.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Happy May 31st

All across the land, we honor Monday, the 31st of May, the last Monday in May of 2010 to recycle a bottle, refrain from printing an email, to sit in the dark, or do something else wonderful for the environment around us.

There are many Americas (North, South, Central, etc.), but only ONE Mother Earth! Happy May 31st!!! Plant a tree!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

1,000 Straight Days of Posts

Congratulations to The Mega Independent for 1,000 Straight Days of Posts - that is, at least one post per day for 1,000 days in a row. Our gargantuan, Herculean effort of non-stop unbiased, non-partisan updating has resulted in this once-in-a-lifetime milestone for which we are most proud and grateful.

Of course, we could not have done it without you, our thousands upon thousands of loyal readers, who ride the wave of political life completely independent of the shackles of take-sidery, who show up day in and day out to absorb our Lady Justice Blind reporting of the daily news.

And most of all, we look forward to celebrating Day #2,000 in a row, when we get there on February 5th, 2013! It will be a lot of work, but it will be worth it! See you then!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Mega Independent Answers Your Letters

Hello, I am a little bit worried about all the spending that the Democrat-controlled Congress is doing. This is trillions and trillions of dollars that we simply don't have! Isn't spending nonexistent money what got us all into trouble in the Real Estate and Financial sectors?

-Bill B.
TMI: You're confused, Bill. There's nothing wrong with what Congress is doing. If Congress was so bad, the People would not have elected them to make the tough decisions that they're not capable of making all by themselves. In addition, the veiled racism in your letter (printed in its entirety for all to see) has not gone unnoticed.

Hi there. I keep seeing all this repeated scare-mongering about Global Warming, but isn't it true that there were a bunch of exposed emails which revealed that the data was made up in some of the highest agencies that promoted it? Also, when asked to prove that the data was not artificially concocted, didn't these agencies say that they "lost" the data? And didn't one of the biggest Global Warming proponents recently come out and admit that there "has been no warming for the past 15 years", which goes against everything that was predicted about the climate by Al Gore, et al?

How can I trust in a phenomenon that has never been proven, yet wants to change my life? The light bulbs that have provided beautiful luminance for the last century are going to be totally banned as of 2012, and now I hear the Democrats in the House recently proposed a tax on all energy, which will essentially be a tax on everything. These taxes will be paid by us, the consumer, and they're being levied in the worst financial crunch in modern times. All to combat something which has been at best, never proven, and at worst, demonstrably falsified. Why haven't you reported any of this?

-Jeanie L.
TMI: You're confused, Jeanie. Global Warming is as plain as the nose on your face. If we don't do something right now, everybody is going to die. Also, shut up.

Greetings. Last week, you claimed that up was down, that water wasn't wet and that grass was purple. Well, I have it on good authority that up is actually up, water is very wet, and that grass is green. Not purple.

-Tom J.
TMI: You're confused, Tom. Everything is as we say it is on any given day. When you get a printing press of your own, let us know. Until then, let the big boys report the news.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Thursday, March 18, 2010

ObamaCare Inherited This Mess

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

Now that it seems obvious that ObamaCare is just a few cursory pen strokes away from becoming law, it's time to talk honestly about the terrible state of our Healthcare System.

We have a shortage of doctors. Everyone knows there's a shortage of doctors. This has been going on for years, long before any doctor in the marginal wilderness said he was going to retire because of ObamaCare. The sorry state of our loan industry and the Republican decimation of our educational system has gotten us to this point, not Obama or ObamaCare.

Insurance premiums are skyrocketing. This is no secret. This has nothing to do with dumping 47 million people into the system and forcing selfish insurance companies to stop calculating real world risks against real world costs. And even if it did have something to do with all of that, why would it be the fault of ObamaCare?

And all this talk about hospitals running out of room under ObamaCare is silly. Hospitals have always had a shortage of space. Have you ever seen an empty hospital? Sorry, Sarah Palin, that only happens in George Romero movies. All the hospitals I have ever been to were crowded, with one or two people in nearly every room and so many doctors and nurses walking around, you could sometimes barely move.

And anyway, why only two patients per hospital room? Why not four or five? Can't we all just get along? And now with fewer doctors and nurses, the hallways of hospitals will be far easier to navigate.

It's lazy to blame the President for being the one brave enough to take on Big Hospital and fix the situation. The devastating collapse of our healthcare system has been a long time coming. It was already cut. Don't be mad at Obama for ripping the band-aid off and exposing the slow, festering wound for everyone to experience firsthand for as long as it takes to scar over, even if that happens to be forever.

As we've seen for over a year now, it's so easy to just point the finger at the President in some bad situation and say that he's the one that got us here. Just look at the name, "ObamaCare". Why ObamaCare? Why not "BushCare"? After all, as everybody knows, George Bush is the one that really got us into this mess with the failed policies of the last eight years.

But the tea partiers want you to forget that. So they call it "ObamaCare". Then everything that happens to the system after the bill becomes law suddenly becomes his fault. Even though he had nothing to do with what's wrong, and everything to do with what's right.

You will hear people, in the coming years, as the system inevitably gets worse (before it gets better), that this is the fault of the Democrats for passing a completely one-sided bill. But it's not the Democrats that are responsible for what they've done. It's the Republicans that are responsible for what they have not done. That's why this entire thing is really the fault of the Republicans.

Inevitably, you will hear complaints about "taxes" going up. Well, we were already all paying "taxes" to the selfish insurance companies in the form of skyrocketing premiums. I don't remember hearing anybody complaining about that. So now the "taxes" are going where they are supposed to go: to the government. You know, the government. The people that build the roads and do lots of other things that are just like building the roads?

The time for talk is over and it's time for us all to roll our sleeves up and get a little dirty. The people that were "happy" with the old system had their chance to stay healthy and go to the doctor whenever they wanted and receive fast treatment. But their time is over, and it's time now for all the people that were unhappy with it to get their chance in a somewhat less vibrant system that we can at least all share together. This is life in the new, post-unfair era.

In conclusion, if more of us have to get sick now to keep more of us healthy in the future, then so be it. This is the harsh reality of the third century of a very young country that still has a lot of growing up to do.

Frank Finger is a six-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for the Mega Independent. His new book, "The Conservatives: Why Did They Do This To Us?" will be in stores on April 20th.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Soda Parties In Full Swing

The Soda Party, America's civilized answer to the Tea Parties, has gotten underway this weekend with an amazing rally across the country. Billed as the "bubbly" version of widespread grassroots government protest that wants to institute change, it is far more liberal and sane than its tiny, yet shameful and violent, right-wing extremist counterpart.

We came to an outdoor rally in San Francisco that was filled with thousands upon thousands of people to find out what it's all about.

One thing you notice about the Soda Partiers right away is that even though they want reform in government, there's no signs, there's no screaming, and there's a real calm draped across all of them. The first Soda Partier we interviewed was Jim, who was sitting at a table playing checkers by himself.

"Checkers is all about strategy," he said, "I'm red". He had collected most of the black pieces, and that empty chair across from him obviously represented the Tea Party in all their infamous hardly existent glory.

Another Soda Partier we found was walking through the Rally area with a suit on while typing on his Blackberry. His brisk walk indicated that he was an allegory for the Soda Party itself. He was going somewhere, had it all together, and was communicating his searing distrust for Republicans in government silently, like a creeping ninja.

A third member we interviewed was coming out of a nearby mall. We asked her about her distressing feelings toward the government. "Yeah, they totally didn't have anything I wanted." On her list of civic Soda Party demands for out-of-touch conservatives in Washington D.C. was shoes, clothes, and a DVD for her boyfriend that she couldn't remember the name of.

It's refreshing to be at a place with so many like-minded yet diverse and colorful individuals, all coming together in the name of a single cause. The Soda Party, on its first weekend, is already amazingly humongous, and it's growing. A dense, foggy crowd of voters such as this one surely cannot be ignored.
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