Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Mega Independent Answers Your Letters

Hello, I am a little bit worried about all the spending that the Democrat-controlled Congress is doing. This is trillions and trillions of dollars that we simply don't have! Isn't spending nonexistent money what got us all into trouble in the Real Estate and Financial sectors?

-Bill B.
TMI: You're confused, Bill. There's nothing wrong with what Congress is doing. If Congress was so bad, the People would not have elected them to make the tough decisions that they're not capable of making all by themselves. In addition, the veiled racism in your letter (printed in its entirety for all to see) has not gone unnoticed.

Hi there. I keep seeing all this repeated scare-mongering about Global Warming, but isn't it true that there were a bunch of exposed emails which revealed that the data was made up in some of the highest agencies that promoted it? Also, when asked to prove that the data was not artificially concocted, didn't these agencies say that they "lost" the data? And didn't one of the biggest Global Warming proponents recently come out and admit that there "has been no warming for the past 15 years", which goes against everything that was predicted about the climate by Al Gore, et al?

How can I trust in a phenomenon that has never been proven, yet wants to change my life? The light bulbs that have provided beautiful luminance for the last century are going to be totally banned as of 2012, and now I hear the Democrats in the House recently proposed a tax on all energy, which will essentially be a tax on everything. These taxes will be paid by us, the consumer, and they're being levied in the worst financial crunch in modern times. All to combat something which has been at best, never proven, and at worst, demonstrably falsified. Why haven't you reported any of this?

-Jeanie L.
TMI: You're confused, Jeanie. Global Warming is as plain as the nose on your face. If we don't do something right now, everybody is going to die. Also, shut up.

Greetings. Last week, you claimed that up was down, that water wasn't wet and that grass was purple. Well, I have it on good authority that up is actually up, water is very wet, and that grass is green. Not purple.

-Tom J.
TMI: You're confused, Tom. Everything is as we say it is on any given day. When you get a printing press of your own, let us know. Until then, let the big boys report the news.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Thursday, March 18, 2010

ObamaCare Inherited This Mess

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

Now that it seems obvious that ObamaCare is just a few cursory pen strokes away from becoming law, it's time to talk honestly about the terrible state of our Healthcare System.

We have a shortage of doctors. Everyone knows there's a shortage of doctors. This has been going on for years, long before any doctor in the marginal wilderness said he was going to retire because of ObamaCare. The sorry state of our loan industry and the Republican decimation of our educational system has gotten us to this point, not Obama or ObamaCare.

Insurance premiums are skyrocketing. This is no secret. This has nothing to do with dumping 47 million people into the system and forcing selfish insurance companies to stop calculating real world risks against real world costs. And even if it did have something to do with all of that, why would it be the fault of ObamaCare?

And all this talk about hospitals running out of room under ObamaCare is silly. Hospitals have always had a shortage of space. Have you ever seen an empty hospital? Sorry, Sarah Palin, that only happens in George Romero movies. All the hospitals I have ever been to were crowded, with one or two people in nearly every room and so many doctors and nurses walking around, you could sometimes barely move.

And anyway, why only two patients per hospital room? Why not four or five? Can't we all just get along? And now with fewer doctors and nurses, the hallways of hospitals will be far easier to navigate.

It's lazy to blame the President for being the one brave enough to take on Big Hospital and fix the situation. The devastating collapse of our healthcare system has been a long time coming. It was already cut. Don't be mad at Obama for ripping the band-aid off and exposing the slow, festering wound for everyone to experience firsthand for as long as it takes to scar over, even if that happens to be forever.

As we've seen for over a year now, it's so easy to just point the finger at the President in some bad situation and say that he's the one that got us here. Just look at the name, "ObamaCare". Why ObamaCare? Why not "BushCare"? After all, as everybody knows, George Bush is the one that really got us into this mess with the failed policies of the last eight years.

But the tea partiers want you to forget that. So they call it "ObamaCare". Then everything that happens to the system after the bill becomes law suddenly becomes his fault. Even though he had nothing to do with what's wrong, and everything to do with what's right.

You will hear people, in the coming years, as the system inevitably gets worse (before it gets better), that this is the fault of the Democrats for passing a completely one-sided bill. But it's not the Democrats that are responsible for what they've done. It's the Republicans that are responsible for what they have not done. That's why this entire thing is really the fault of the Republicans.

Inevitably, you will hear complaints about "taxes" going up. Well, we were already all paying "taxes" to the selfish insurance companies in the form of skyrocketing premiums. I don't remember hearing anybody complaining about that. So now the "taxes" are going where they are supposed to go: to the government. You know, the government. The people that build the roads and do lots of other things that are just like building the roads?

The time for talk is over and it's time for us all to roll our sleeves up and get a little dirty. The people that were "happy" with the old system had their chance to stay healthy and go to the doctor whenever they wanted and receive fast treatment. But their time is over, and it's time now for all the people that were unhappy with it to get their chance in a somewhat less vibrant system that we can at least all share together. This is life in the new, post-unfair era.

In conclusion, if more of us have to get sick now to keep more of us healthy in the future, then so be it. This is the harsh reality of the third century of a very young country that still has a lot of growing up to do.

Frank Finger is a six-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for the Mega Independent. His new book, "The Conservatives: Why Did They Do This To Us?" will be in stores on April 20th.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Soda Parties In Full Swing

The Soda Party, America's civilized answer to the Tea Parties, has gotten underway this weekend with an amazing rally across the country. Billed as the "bubbly" version of widespread grassroots government protest that wants to institute change, it is far more liberal and sane than its tiny, yet shameful and violent, right-wing extremist counterpart.

We came to an outdoor rally in San Francisco that was filled with thousands upon thousands of people to find out what it's all about.

One thing you notice about the Soda Partiers right away is that even though they want reform in government, there's no signs, there's no screaming, and there's a real calm draped across all of them. The first Soda Partier we interviewed was Jim, who was sitting at a table playing checkers by himself.

"Checkers is all about strategy," he said, "I'm red". He had collected most of the black pieces, and that empty chair across from him obviously represented the Tea Party in all their infamous hardly existent glory.

Another Soda Partier we found was walking through the Rally area with a suit on while typing on his Blackberry. His brisk walk indicated that he was an allegory for the Soda Party itself. He was going somewhere, had it all together, and was communicating his searing distrust for Republicans in government silently, like a creeping ninja.

A third member we interviewed was coming out of a nearby mall. We asked her about her distressing feelings toward the government. "Yeah, they totally didn't have anything I wanted." On her list of civic Soda Party demands for out-of-touch conservatives in Washington D.C. was shoes, clothes, and a DVD for her boyfriend that she couldn't remember the name of.

It's refreshing to be at a place with so many like-minded yet diverse and colorful individuals, all coming together in the name of a single cause. The Soda Party, on its first weekend, is already amazingly humongous, and it's growing. A dense, foggy crowd of voters such as this one surely cannot be ignored.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Mega Independent Poll: The ObamaCare Bill

The ObamaCare Bill seems to have stalled in the House, creating a potentially sticky situation for Democrats and Obama as they head into an election year. We polled 4000 Independent readers to figure out what the next move should be. Thank you to all who responded.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Monday, March 1, 2010

Mega Health Study: Tea is Actually Awful For You

In a breakthrough study out of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, scientists have been able to analyze tea on a micro molecular level. And for the first time, they have determined once and for all that tea is terrible for you.

"It's a disgusting drink," remarked one of the scientists, "Anyone who would even associate themselves with tea after this study is obviously just a pathetic loser with no life."

It's long been believed that the polyphenols that make up tea, acted as traditional antioxidants that cleansed the body of free radicals. But what scientists are discovering now is that tea may actually encourage the activity and behavior of free radicals.

Additionally, tea has long been packaged in breathable fiber "bags" to aid in the brewing process and make life easier for tea drinkers. But disturbing findings from the study indicate that no matter how long it is brewed, many of the good chemicals of tea remain trapped in the bag, while the bad chemicals are able to float free. Because of this, people need to be acutely aware of the horrendous dangers of teabagging.

If the results of this study are true, and the Mega Independent sees no reason why they would not be, then the consequences of exalting this once respected drink could be potentially devastating.

And the scientist added an important word to the wise. "Based on our findings, we believe that, henceforth, anybody caught celebrating tea or elevating it to any level of admiration or adoration should be fined, arrested and thrown in jail, no questions asked. This is people's basic health you are messing with. I don't know what kind of people would even do that at this point, but it would be exactly the same as killing someone yourself with a deadly weapon. Only this time, the weapon would be lies."

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