Tuesday, August 31, 2010

TMI Poll: Among Independents, Obama Approval Through the Roof

With disasters like the Republican oil spill, the Republican wars, and the Republican Global Warming looming over his presidency, President Obama has been on some shaky ground lately. But like a political LeBron James, he is "rebounding" just in time for the mid-term election season. We polled 5,000 Independent readers to gauge their observations on the President halfway through his first term. Thank you for voting!

Monday, August 30, 2010

TMI Exclusive Photo Collection: Behind the Numbers of The Tea Party Restore America Rally

Members of the much maligned "Tea Party" gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial on Saturday at the "Restore America Rally", hosted by much maligned talk show host, Glenn Beck. While estimates of the much maligned crowd vary widely, TMI has obtained exclusive photos to help with much maligned crowd estimation. When this photo from Saturday is enlarged, we believe this will be an unbelievably useful tool for obtaining an accurate headcount.

Happy counting!

In addition to the eminently useful photo view (above), we have constructed an "artist's rendering" of the entire crowd based on critically accurate eyewitness reports of TMI staff who also attended the rally. Here it is:

Better luck next year, teabaggers!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Puzzle Time

Now it is time to give a small quiz to our amazingly informed readers.

The two pictures below appear identical. But they are not! Study the two pictures carefully for at least ten minutes and then see if you can spot all the differences.

Happy Hunting! Answers Below!

The Differences

Family #1 lives in a society filled with all the familiar ills of the modern day. The mom and dad go to work for selfish corporations, and ride around in air-polluting automobiles. The automobiles run on oil that is stained with the blood of the robotic pawns of the military-industrial complex.

At night, the family uses heat and light to comfort themselves, blissfully unaware of their vapid, parasitic nature. The climate is unpredictable and ever changing. It is a world of imminent doom, for their false, plasticine smiles will abate when they realize what they have done to Mother Gaia. By then it will be too late, as She will be very angry, and may send storms.

Only then will they repent to the Environment and beg for mercy, but Gaia only loves you when you love her. The pain they will be dealt will be as uncaring and unfeeling as the 9 to 5 "jobs" the two parents "do" to "support" their "family".

Family #2, on the other hand, is living in a world of social and ecological justice where no one suffers from the climate, and everyone is equally happy.

The exact temperature is always predictable and no cutesy animals are ever in danger of extinction! There is no industry, no oil, no jobs, and no evil greedy companies doing business anywhere.

The food is grown in the garden, the bowls are handcrafted from ceramic. The ceramic is made by cooking dirt from the backyard in the family kiln and then painted with all natural color (brown) painlessly extracted from the shells of the friendly free range Indonesian Dung Beetles they loosely keep as pets.

The family kiln is made only from twigs and leaves and uses the sun as its heat source. This technique was taught to them by a Cherokee family who lives next door in a permanent state of peace and harmony.

Unlike Family #1, who gets their clothes through rampant consumerism, Family #2's clothes are manufactured and cleaned by the government. The outfits you see here are "Monday". At clothing pick-up time, each family member is examined by government physicians for conditions which may prove an unnecessary burden to the collective.

The happiness on Family #2's faces is genuine, for these people have sacrificed long and hard for their government and their Gaia, and finally after a long period of suffering, utopia has arrived! No workers were exploited in the production of this picture!
Key: Give yourself a point for every difference you spotted. Then send in your score to TMI. When we have received replies from every reader, the total number of points will be added together and then divided by the total number of replies. This new average will be sent back to you individually, and that will be your final score. If it is more than your original score, then congratulations on your promotion! If it is less than your original score, then congratulations on your sacrifice!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Special Advertising Section

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Memo: Now We Will Substitute the Word "Racist" With the Word "Bigot"


Mega Letterhead

Aug. 18, 2010


Here is some guidance on covering the dissident opposition for the foreseeable future, with assists from friends in our Chicago bureau and in Washington:

1. The term "racist" is no longer appropriate. While it worked for a while to stifle the dissent of various teabagging types, the general public are now practically ignoring it due to it's egregious (yet correct) overuse. There was also a videotape that circulated a few weeks back where it appeared a woman of color had herself been a "racist" many years ago. Now the word "racist" has lost its useful power and meaning.

2. The fact is Americans now apparently believe that people of any color or gender can be considered "racist", which is a most disheartening turn of events for us. We suggest that from now on, every time you want to call someone a "racist" in an article, you instead use the more supercharged term, "bigot".

3. "Bigot" paints a picture of hatred and intolerance from an Archie Bunker type, and we need that picture in order to cut through the lies and distortions of our opponents, and continue the distribution of Megatruth to the masses.


Some examples of how to use the new terms correctly include:

• Instead of "The racist tea partiers gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial", use "The tea partiers gathered on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and let's face it, they're just a bunch of bigots, anyway"

• Instead of the headline "Racism Suspected In Republican Opposition to Obama Agenda", try "Bigotry Suspected in Republican Opposition to Obama Agenda"

Has a nice ring, doesn't it?


One of the unintended benefits of this forced word switch includes being able to emphasize it with very powerful adjectives.

a. "The bigots don't want healthcare reform because they are in the pocket of the insurance companies" becomes "The hateful bigots don't want healthcare reform because they are in the pocket of the insurance companies".

b. "Although they claim they merely oppose out of control government spending, we know that it all just boils down to bigotry" becomes "Although they claim they merely oppose out of control government spending, we know that it just boils down to vicious, resentful, sleazy bigotry, the likes of which has not been seen in this country since the execrable Jim Crow era".

(Use your mentions of Jim Crow sparingly. Pick your spots. About once every three articles is the correct ratio. More than that would seem like we are exploiting embarrassing history for gain, less than that would seem like we aren't exploiting embarrassing history for gain enough.)

Note: Be wise about your word use. If you previously were going to call someone a "big racist", it would not be appropriate to make a simple substitution and call them a "big bigot". That clearly does not trip off the tongue. We suggest "large bigot", "huge bigot", "enormous, hulking bigot", or "oversized, thundering bigot who hates".

Thank you.

Postscript. In six months to a year, we will be sending out a similar memo, except instead of replacing "racist" with "bigot", we will be replacing "bigot" with "zealot". DO NOT use the word "zealot" or "zealotry" in reference to the rightwingers yet. But by all means keep using it when talking about terrorists and terrorism. We need to roll that one out very slowly so as not to diminish its power before the 2012 elections get underway.

Thank you and happy independent unbiased newsgathering to all!!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

TMI Exclusive: The Sun Will Set Tonight... Unexpectedly

A new study out of the University of Alberta, Canada claims that the sun will set tonight and could rise tomorrow... unexpectedly.

Although we will be surrounded by darkness tonight as the sun lurches beneath the horizon, a small group of scientists are now claiming that it will in fact come back in the morning, bigger and brighter than ever. But science has been wrong before.

"The apparent stillness of the Earth is our leading indicator", reported an anonymous Democratic representative with a scientific background. "Are you seriously telling me that that immense fireball, which is disappearing before our very eyes in that direction (pointing west), is going to mysteriously reappear over there (pointing east) at some point in the future? Look how dark it's getting. That thing is going down. And if we don't do something about it right now, we're in big, big trouble."

The Mega Independent Investigative Research Team (Working For You) sent observers out in all fifty states and each watched as the hot ball of flame streaked across the sky yesterday and eventually out of view, creating widespread blackness. The study demonstrated that it in fact did get darker, nearly pitch black in fact, as the chill of the night air set in. As of this printing at 2 AM, there is no hint of the sun ever coming back, despite claims to the contrary by the Darkness Deniers.

President Obama interrupted his trip from Martha's Vineyard to the Bahamas, to hold an emergency historic speech to ease the fears that gripped a nation. "As the wave of darkness sets in across this country, we must take steps to survive this crisis. I have authorized Congress to appropriate a new spending bill, The Darkulus, which will help ease the pain of our limited sight tonight."

He continued, "In the dark, there is no white, no brown, no red and no yellow... we are all the same color and must come together as one. We must be reminded at all times of this fever-pitched need to focus on racial makeup like a laserbeam. We need to focus on it at the dinner table, at the water cooler, in the kitchen and around the campfire. We need to focus on race at work, at home, at school and at play. We will talk about race on the playground, in factories and in the doctor's office. In fact, some 'Census Takers' will be around at your door in the coming weeks to make sure you are having the national discussion on race. If you are not, then appropriate steps will be taken to make sure that you are. The time for talk is over."

Obama concluded his speech with powerful words. "University scientists all around this country have informed us bleakly that the sun, our friend in space for over 40 trillion years, has gone away and is never coming back again. Yes, there is a small minority of Deniers who claim otherwise, that it will rise tomorrow and set again, but unlike previous administrations responsible for the failed policies of the last eight years, we do not look at one thing and say it is another. We are not happy with the status quo. It's dark outside right now and to us, that constitutes a crisis.

Let me be clear. The 500 billion dollar Darkulus bill will ease our shared burden, and if we spend enough money, then maybe one day, perhaps tomorrow even, the sun will rise again... unexpectedly. And if you like your daytime, you'll be able to keep your daytime. We will get that sun fired up. Ready to go. Thank you and goodnight, err, goodbye."

The Darkulus Sunshine Reform Bill of 2010 will send much needed taxpayer money to fund Democrat campaigns in important election races across the country, as they fend off science-denying, darkness-loving Republican challengers, and work to get us going in the right direction. If and when the sun does come back, Democrats will be the ones working tirelessly to make sure it doesn't ever leave us again.

"A world with no sun forces us to waste superfluous energy on things like artificial light", explained Lucy, 12, an environmental activist and Honorary Code Pink Kiddie. "And when we use too much energy, it causes Global Warming. And Global Warming is bad, which is why we need the sun back as soon as possible. If we are to ever put a stop to Global Warming once and for all, we must keep the sun shining constantly high above us in the noonday sky, never to leave us again. That will stop us using the nasty energy and make sure we stay cool all the time. Obama is going to fix it. Obama is going to teach us."

And the Sunshine Reform bill will help advance medicine, too. The Mega Independent Healthcare Team reports that there are over 400,000 accidents a day in the United States. That number would go way down if the sun was always there to light our way and keep our vision clear. Accidents are a tremendous burden on our healthcare system, keeping our highly trained doctors busy with silly things like gashes and broken bones.

Republicans have repeatedly claimed that there is no need for Sunshine Reform, that the sun will definitely come back tomorrow, only to set again and again and again. Well, we need to break this corrupt cycle of greedy bright days, and impoverished, empty nights. Why should one 4:00 (am) be much darker than the other 4:00 (pm), Mr. Republican?

We need exactly the same amount of light and warmth at all times. The choice is clear. It's time for fairness and equity once and for all. It's time to pass ObamaShine. It's time for daylight justice.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Puttin' the Car In (D)!

President Obama recently came up with a stirring analogy which concisely summarized the position America is in right now as we stare down some unfortunate elections this November.

He said, "When you want to get in your car and go forward, what do you do? You put your car in (D), you don't put it in (R)."

Along with being amazingly tempered, highly bipartisan, and stunningly witty, Obama has now revealed himself to be a master of parallel ideas and deep thoughts. The Mega Independent Investigative Team (Working For You) has recently gotten ahold of some more analogies Obama is toying with breaking out on the campaign trail, as November inches ever closer...
1. "When you're sick and you want to get better, you go to the (D) - Doctor... you don't go to the (R) - Rental Truck Place. And the (D)octor is going to make you better. The (R)ental Truck Place is only going to try and rent you a truck and prevent you from getting immediate treatment, which could only make you sicker. Plus they have fumes there, which definitely won't help your cough, if your illness involves one. Am I right?"
2. "When you want something good to eat, you go into the fridge and you get something that is (D) - Delicious... you don't go to the garbage can and get something out that's (R) - Rotten. You just don't! And that's what these failed policies of the last eight years are... Rotten! You see... the (D) stands for for (D)elicious! That is, in terms of food you would want to consume when you are hungry. And (R) is for Rotten, which isn't good for you. Get it?"
3. "When you go out at night, and you're young, and say it's going to be a first date of some kind, and you're taking out a girl, you want to look your best. So you put on something (D) - Dapper. You don't go putting on something that's (R) - Wrinkly. We need to vote (D) and stop the wrinkly old policies from the party of 'no'... no irons, that is."
4. "When you're at a therapist and you've got a bad memory from childhood and you want to get rid of it so you can enjoy more of life, you have two choices. You can (D) - Deal with it... thereby releasing its vise-like grip on your adult experience, or you can (R) - Repress it, and let the bad memory continue to fail you like it has for the last eight or more years. (R)epressing is bad! (D)ealing is good. Who's with me????"
5. "And when you're stuck on some futuristic planet and the alien beings there have advanced weaponry that you don't recognize. Well, say one of these beings decides he wants to take a shot at you with a laser of some kind. What do you do when you want to avoid it? You (D) - Duck... that way the laserbeam will miss you and maybe hit another alien, and the alien who shot it will hopefully have to wait for his thing to recharge, at which time you can turn your head and pretend to be wiping your lip for a minute with your elbow bent, and then suddenly without warning suckerpunch it out of his hand, and then wrestle with him until Spock arrives. That's one choice that you, as an American voter can make. You can (D) - Duck. Or, on the other hand, you can try to (R) - Run. But last I checked, alien lasers are faster than human beings, even in the future. So you end up getting hit in the back and you are disabled, or possibly even dead. That's the choice that we as Americans are all going to be making. Duck the advanced laser and survive... or try to outrun it and get hit in the back and fall down in a heap. What do you think is better for America, America?!!?? I know what I think is better, America! I know what I think is better! Fired up! Ready to go!!! Fired up!!! Ready to go!!!! Fired up!!!! Ready to go!!!!!!!"
Truly amazing stuff from a truly amazing man. And whatever analogy the President eventually sticks with, the message is clear - this November, when you stand in the voting booth, under no circumstances are you to remember that the (D) on your ballot really stands for "(D)emocrat".

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Special Advertising Section: Obama Spice

Hello. I'm at hole #1. Look over there at hole #2. Now back at me. I'm at hole #5 and I've just shot a birdie. Don't you want to be here? Now look at your bank account. It's empty. Now look at the Gulf of Mexico. I've fixed it with my magic powers. Now back to me. I'm at Martha's Vineyard and I'm on vacation. Look up. It's Air Force One. Now you're unemployed. Now I'm in Nevada, campaigning for someone. Don't you wish you were me? Look down. At your calendar. Now it's the third of the month and you're in a long line waiting for food stamps. Now back to me. I'm at the White House having dinner with someone you would like to be. Look in my hand. Now you're living in your car. Where did I go. I'm in Denmark and the Olympics are coming to Chicago. Look over there. Now they're gone. I meant to do that. Now look at that mosque, it's going to be pretty. Now back at me. Look at these abs. I'm the picture of health. ObamaCare has started. You haven't bought insurance and now you're in jail. And now it's me again. I've got all your taxes.

I'm on a cruise.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Planning Board Gives Thumbs Up to Ham Sandwich Factory on Top of Mama Cass's Grave

Mama Cass Elliot of "Mamas and the Papas" fame is about to get some much needed company in her final resting place. A 20,000 square foot state-of-the-art ham sandwich factory will serve the people that love them, churning out up to 50,000 ham sandwiches a day. There will also be an accompanying museum dedicated to celebrating the history of this especially tasty food item.

"The ham sandwich is not completely 100% perfect", says the developer and future curator of the museum, Shark51, "but it sure is delectable, and so many people love it to this very day, and do believe it is 100% perfect. Yes, it is tragic what happened to Mama Cass, having apparently accidentally choked to death on one, but we must all remember that part of a ham sandwich was lost that day, too."

"In fact, the ham sandwich really would be 100% perfect were it not so misunderstood", he continued, "and we hope this will be a place where everybody can grow and learn."

The Mega Independent Research Team has found that over a million pounds of ham sandwiches are consumed each year by people who love them. And although Mama Cass's particular encounter with one was not so fortunate, it is certainly not the fault of people who love ham sandwiches. "America is supposed to be a place of free enterprise and freedom to do whatever you want anywhere, is it not?", queried the curator, with a wry smile.

A 30 foot tall statue of a half eaten ham sandwich will loom extra tolerantly over her headstone and grave, so that thousands a day may show up to worship its glory. And as for why the developer has chosen this particular site, he spoke of community and of America's traditions. The new company, "Fat Singing Bitch Who Eats Too Fast, Incorporated", will occupy the site and create the tasty delights.

Asked if he thought the name of the company might be insensitive to some, especially given the proposed location of its manufacturing headquarters, the curator explained that a "Fat Singing Bitch Who Eats Too Fast" historically would represent a place where sandwiches and people have come together and existed very harmoniously. And developer Shark51 gives what they hope will be the last word on this story: "Anyone who finds this factory or its location offensive is really the offensive one."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Mega Roundtable - The Economy

With the summer ticking along very nicely, the economy has proven to be the number one issue on everyone's mind. We have gathered a roundtable of diverse wide-ranging opinions to discuss this and other pertinent issues.

Issue #1 - Obama and the Democrats

Moderator: George Bush left this country with the most troubled economy in the history of the world. It was up to Obama and the Democrats to rescue us all from the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. What is your opinion on what they have done with all these Republican lemons. Have they made lemonade, or are the lemons still "percolating" in the lemonade maker and will it take some more time?

Commentator #1: I don't think it's fair to say that George Bush left us with the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. George Bush and his rich fatcat Republican cronies left us with the deepest economic depression in this or any universe that has come before, or will exist henceforth. And galaxies, too, if galaxies are bigger than universes.

That would be a more accurate statement. And as far as lemons go, I think it would be fair to say that the Democrats aren't just making lemonade, they have invented a lemon drink that is so darned tasty and refreshing, it will knock your little socks off! It just takes a little longer to make than regular lemonade, that's all.

Commentator #2: Well I'm sorry, if we're going to talk about Bush, then what about all the problems he inherited, and that he had to face. What about the dot com bubble burst, and what about 9/11?

Commentator #1: Well, every President knows he's going to have a few problems to deal with here and there, and George Bush.......

Commentator #2: Hold on. I was just kidding. Everyone knows George Bush didn't have to deal with any real problems! Bush doesn't deal with problems. He makes the problems!

Commentator #1: On that, we can agree!!!!

Commentator #2: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Commentator #1: Yes. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Commentator #2: You know, you're funny, Commentator #1.

Commentator #1: Awww... and so are you, Commentator #2. And very likeable. If I may say, in an Obama-ish kind of way.

Commentator #2: You flatter me! I am not worthy, nor will I ever be worthy, of praise that dares mention Obama's name.

Please... never use the same breath to contain us both again. I am but a mere speck, a morsel of subhuman matter, an infinitessimal waste of carbon atoms, water and directionless synaptical pulses, compared to Mr. Obama. Excuse me, Mr. President Obama.

Commentator #1: I know. I was just saying I thought you were really something special. You definitely know your economy and you certainly know the Republican Party and all their job and economy-destroying ways, backwards. And you're articulate about it. I'm sorry, but I have to say it's very attractive on you.

Commentator #2: Thank you. You're not looking too bad there yourself, Commentator #1. Do you have a little time after the article is done?

Commentator #1: Yeah. I have time.

Commentator #2: I gotta say... that you maybe even have a little...uhhhhh... a little hint of Obama in you.

Commentator #1: Stop it. You're gonna make me go red in the ears, Commentator #2. I'd be fortunate if I even had an sliver of his common sense or an iota of his leadership, fairness, eloquence, economic acumen and/or justice in me. Or if I could just have a small lock of his hair that he accidentally left on the podium after a speech, that I could put inside a book with his name on it, drawn inside little red crayon hearts. That would make my day... my year......... my life.

Commentator #2: I know exactly what you're saying.

Commentator #1 and #2: {siighhhh........}

Moderator: Well, that's all the time we have here on Mega Roundtable. It is always good to be reminded that no matter how widely we differ on political issues, even at 180 degree opposite ends of the possible political spectrum like our two representative commentators, there is always a middle ground somewhere.

And that is a middle ground which we at the Mega Independent strive to seed and water daily, as part of our very life's work. Tune in next time and watch this garden grow!

Monday, August 9, 2010

2010 Year In Review

Well, 2010 has just about to come to a close and what a year it was.


First of all, according to every report and estimation, 2010 was the warmest year on record by a longshot. In fact, as of this writing, the temperature in the northeast was about 87 degrees, by far the hottest day for any of our Year-End reviews ever. On the day of our last one, for example, December 31st, 2009, the temperature was about 24 degrees, only 63 degrees cooler. How's about that one, wingnuts? Still don't believe in Global Warming?

Of course, despite 2010 being so warm, with the icecaps melting at an alarming rate, and there being a dire need for climate legislation where we all pay a lot of money to people who know exactly what to do with it to make everything better, the oceans have mysteriously already stopped their rise and the planet already begun to heal. We wonder why...


Entering 2010, pundits across the land were wailing about how there were going to be "massive gains" in the House and Senate for the Republicans, and that one or both houses may even turn over. Well, by our non-partisan independent count, the Republicans gained one entire seat in the Senate in 2010, and, as the year comes to a hearty close, the Democrats still have two fistfuls of control in both houses. Better luck next year, Rethugs! From Party of No to Party of No... Gains!

Presidential Approval Rating

Although it was a difficult year for the President, with many a Republican-caused, Bushian-Rovian crisis averted, The Mega Independent Approval Rating Forecast Index shows an upward trend for him as the end of 2010 draws upon us, that is nearly vertical in places.

Eat your heart out, Mount Everest! Only this line shows no sign of going back down on the other side! Our Index is like a big steep group of stairs in a giant building that are so narrow, you can only go one way! Up, up, up!

In case of fire, break glass and jump out... way out... to the safety trampoline below! What a year! He's off the chart! What number is higher than 100? We may need to invent one before it's all said and done!

World Events

Environmentally, 2010 will be remembered as one of the safest, cleanest years ever. The President is moving us to clean renewable fuels, such as solar, air, water, clouds, sky and rainbows. He knows that there is still somewhat of an "old way" reliance on oil, but he is keeping the messy part away from us by enforcing even stricter standards which will make sure that oil is only extracted from the deepest, darkest, most pressure filled parts of the sea, as far away from land as possible. That's why Republicans are the Party of Pollution and Democrats are the Party of Science.

The Respectful Disagreement With Man Caused Events

Despite the warnings of frantic right wing nuts, Iran still doesn't have "the bomb", but rather a whole lot of harmless centrifuges doing some virtuous calculations and spinning around like an innocent four year old ballerina. But hey, let's attack them for oil anyway!

Guess if "the bomb" is so bad, we should give it up, too, then. That would only be fair, right? Oh yeah? Well, tell it to Japan! Too late now! We've made our bed and if some nut destroys the Western World with some really big bombs, we know who we'll be blaming... and it definitely won't be the nut!

And in other man-caused news, nobody successfully "attacked" anyone on U.S. soil or in a major urban center, and if they did, it was because they were angry about a foreclosure, or maybe the Presiden't skin. Sometimes things happen for reasons that aren't immediately explainable by a confession, or by a blood-curdling shout of the words "Allahu Akbar" (which our translator tells us has many different interpretations).


2010 was a glorious year. It was a warm year, where people across the land barbecued, swam in outdoor pools, and even attended Major League Baseball games as we penned the annual year-end summary, and nobody batted an eyelash. The Republicans tried very hard to distract you from the Year Without A Winter by talking about stuff like "jobs", but the Mega Independent was there to break the story. A story that affects you, and your skiing.

It was a year where the political landscape shifted barely at all, if not slightly leftward, and Obama received massive adulation and rating in our Patented Presidential Approval Index. It was a year in which no one was attacked by a "scary moslem person", and if they were, the attack was unsuccessful and for reasons that need to be explained to you.

We're looking forward to independently serving you in the most objective way possible tomorrow, when the next year starts and we do it all again. Go Big D!!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Democrats Lead Huge on Generic Ballot

According to the latest Mega Independent poll, Democrats have opened up a substantial lead in generic Congressional balloting for November 2010. We polled 4,000 independent respondents in our usual non-partisan way and found some surprising results...

Showcase Your Objectivity! Follow The Mega Independent!