Thursday, December 31, 2009

Quiz: Are you Guilty of Profiling?

Racism, prejudice and profiling have no place in civilized society. Take this short quiz to determine if you are guilty of profiling.

1. A bank robber ends up in a chase and successfully evades seven cops, sometimes approaching speeds of up to 130 MPH, and making a clean getaway. Which vehicle do you think he most likely used?

2. You are out shopping and need to pick up some tools at a hardware store. Which of the following establishments would you choose to go in?

3. Which of these colors most looks like the color blue to you?

4. You are a security screener at a major complex. You receive reliable advance intelligence from your superiors that someone who looks like Oprah Winfrey is carrying a bomb. You only have time to screen one person. Which of the following people do you screen?

5. 2 + 2 =

I answered...

Mostly A: Congratulations. You are not guilty of profiling and can sleep peacefully at night knowing you are a fair and open minded individual who believes in social justice and universal compassion.

Mostly B: You aren't guilty of profiling, either. Nor are you responsible for the plight of the Indians, the Eskimos or any other oppressed peoples throughout the world.

Mostly C: You are a profiler and a black mark on society. Your bias and prejudice knows few limitations. Take a good look in the mirror sometime and marvel at the face of hate. Then die.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

TMI Exclusive: The Sarah Palin Interview

Sarah Palin took a break from her whirlwind book tour to sit down and talk to The Mega Independent about her life, her loves, and what it's like to have a runaway bestselling book.

The Mega Independent: Mrs. Palin, thank you for sitting down with us.
Sarah Palin: Thank you for having me.
TMI: A train with Vladimir Putin on it is travelling east at 174 MPH. Another train is travelling southwest at 160 MPH. Putin's train left at 6:05 PM. The other train left at 7:30 PM. They started 752 miles apart. At what time will they meet?
SP: Uh... I dunno. Around 9:00?
TMI: Idiot! Everyone knows Putin doesn't ride the train.
SP: Oh.
TMI: Let's try something easier. What is the square root of 6,500,422?
SP: Hang on a second. Give me a minute here.
TMI: Take your time.
SP: Ummmm... one minute... ummmmmm...
TMI: Take all the time you need.
SP: 2549.592516462185?
TMI: HAHAHA DUMMY! It's 2549.592516462189. This is really the kind of basic thing anyone considering running for public office should know.
SP: Sorry.
TMI: That's okay. Ok, right. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M?
TMI: Wrong! I-T. I. T. We asked how you spell "it". Listening carefully to questions is a very important quality in a leader. You should really open your ears.
SP: Yeah, that's a really good point. I'll try and do better next time.
TMI: Ok. Here's an easy one. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
SP: Ummmm...
TMI: Not gonna answer this one, huh?
SP: No, it's just that...
TMI: Just that what? You don't want to tell us?
SP: No, I mean...
TMI: You mean what? Just answer the question.
SP: No, I mean, it's kind of a rhetorical question that people meditate on.
TMI: Why are you dodging the issue?
SP: I'm not. There's really no answer to it. That's the whole point.
TMI: No answer, huh? No answer. Well, I'm sure "no answer" is exactly what some big foreign leader is going to want to hear when he calls you at 3 AM. You make me sick.
SP: I didn't mean to.
TMI: The third law of thermodynamics states that if all the thermal motion of molecules - kinetic energy - could be removed, a state called absolute zero would occur. Absolute zero results in a temperature of 0 Kelvins or -273.15° Celsius. The Universe will attain absolute zero when all energy and matter is randomly distributed across space. The current temperature of empty space in the Universe is about 2.7 Kelvins. Approximately when can we expect this to happen?
SP: You got me on this one. I really don't know.
TMI: LOL! It's just theory! Moron! In saying you don't know, you have revealed yourself to be a denier of thermodynamics, the basic laws of the universal construct, otherwise known as "reality". What's next? You "don't know" about gravity? Denier!
SP: No... I was just...
TMI: Okay. Let's try something a little more simple for you. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: Uhhhh, I-T?
TMI: You schmuck! You think the longest word in the English language is just two letters long? And you think you could someday be President of the United States? How did you manage to write an entire book with words that were only one and two letters long? Was it in some other language? Huh? Stupid?
SP: It's just one of those things, I guess.
TMI: Ok. The final question of this interview tests your reflexes. Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: What?
TMI: Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: I'm not following you.
TMI: When you can take the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to be President.
SP: I can't. You're way too fast.
TMI: Well, there you go. Thanks for sitting down with us.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Independent Q & A With Our Readers

And now it's time again for you to ask us the questions that are on your mind, and for us to inform you with our vast wealth of expert knowledge.

With all these crazy attempted terror attacks going on, I hear a lot lately about the word "Jihad". What does it mean?

-John K.
TMI: "Jihad" is an arabic term that means "personal struggle". It's the type of thing you go through when the world has impoverished you and treated you unfairly because of your brownness. Here at The Independent, we tend to remember what it means through this little mnemonic: "Ji, I could have had a V8". It is basically that helpless feeling you get when you know that you can do something to make things better.

Why are the Republicans blocking everything the Democrats are trying to do to make everything in America awesome?

-Carla L.
TMI: It's not that the Republicans are blocking everything. It's that the Democrats in power are employing a full-throated radically far left agenda that isn't necessarily good for the economy and certainly isn't what was promised to the American people in 2008. Liberalism always seems good in theory, but when acted upon, it's rarely popular or effective and often achieves the opposite of its stated goals. Take a look at California and any inner city for examples of raging liberalism gone horribly, horribly wrong. In short, the Republicans are just trying to protect what's left of the people's liberty and earnings as each successive Democrat bill attempts to strip them away an insidious bunch at a time. Just kidding! They're assholes, that's why.

My twins just started school. How can I get them there with the smallest carbon footprint possible? The bus is already running, so I'm guessing that's the way.

-Ray R.
Our Go Green Expert Says: True, the up-and-running bus system would seem the proper way to go to reduce the footprint. But the problem is there's a lot talking and breathing and horsing around on those buses, all of which generate lots and lots of extra Earth-murdering carbon dioxide. I would suggest you drive them to school, but first find a Yogi to teach them to go into a deep meditative state where their heart rate can be lowered to 15 or so beats per minute. If they stay in this state for the entire journey both ways all schoolyear long, the amount of carbon you save would be enough to fill the equivalent of seven grand canyons.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Grading the President

As part of our vise-like in-depth coverage of the President, we sent several reporters to Hawaii to follow him on his vacation and to answer a few burning questions. After all, the President may be on vacation, but our world is still turning.

One, we wanted to know what he looked like shirtless. Sure, we've all seen the photo of him sans top in the water, but that was over a year ago. They say being President ages you by a factor of two or three. We wanted to know how the abs are holding up. The verdict: Sixpackalicious!

Two, does Michelle's hair always look so amazingly perfect without any help from anyone? The answer is a resounding yes! She's like Jackie Kennedy, if Jackie Kennedy had been born with a scalp full of VO5. It's how hair comes alive.

As far as policy matters go, we monitored the President's golf club selection skills, and unfortunately we must say he is somewhat lacking there. You don't use a 1 wood in a deep lie, Mr. President! And by the way, that's lie as in grass, not lie as in "Mission Accomplished".

Finally, we quizzed President Obama about Iran. Why is it that no President has ever thought to handle Iran with such incredible pragmatism? "I have a gift", was his reply from across the course. You certainly do, at that.

So how did we ever manage to elect a President that had the mental acuity of Albert Einstein, the fairness of King Solomon, and the pure animal magnetism of a young Brad Pitt? America just got lucky. That's the only possible explanation.

And as he escapes from the crazy runaround of this zany little world, let's "hope" the weather holds up for him. The forecast is sunny, not unlike the forecast for the rest of this term. And the next! And maybe even the one after that. You never know!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Mega Indy-vestigation: Is Sarah Palin a Vampire?

One question that has plagued independents since last year is the question of whether Sarah Palin is a vampire. We have sent several investigators to Alaska to tackle both sides of the issue. On one side, there is the possibility that Palin is a vampire from the deepest nether regions of hell. On the opposite side, there is the possibility that Palin is a vampire from the deepest bowels of hell.

"Let's say she isn't a vampire," remarked one anonymous Democratic strategist we talked to in Alaska, "did anyone from the McCain campaign bother to check if she was a vampire? We're talking one heartbeat away here. Where was the vetting? No wonder they lost."

Several people in Alaska feigned complete ignorance when confronted about the Palin Vampire Issue. "What are you talking about?", asked a person we encountered on the street who was an obvious friend of the Palins.

Despite our best efforts, we were unable to uncover any definitive proof that Palin is not a vampire or that hubby Todd was not ever a member of a secret Alaska Vampire Party. When our investigators asked some people where Palin was, they would not tell us or claimed they didn't know, suggesting that she could in fact be out feasting on the blood of the living for her immortal subsistence.

It's unfortunate that Mrs. Palin's perfidiousness knows no bounds, but you know what they say about vampires. You just can't trust them.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Green Recipe #251, Holiday Edition - Tasty Onion Soup

Mega Independent Green Recipes is an ongoing series dedicated to showing you how a thoughtful independent like yourself can continue to enjoy food while still being mindful of the planet we all love and share.
You will need:

1 large organic onion, chopped
3 cups filtered water


Bring ingredients to a boil.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Global Warming Study Causes Global Warming

A Global Warming study out of Columbia University has determined that it is causing Global Warming.

The five plus year study, which began in 2004, has involved no people and hasn't done anything, but given the steady incline in worldwide temperatures, scientists have concluded that the study is in fact contributing to Global Warming.

Plans to continue the study are under review, but there are fears that the reviewing of those plans is also causing Global Warming. An alternative proposition to discontinue the study has been considered, but scientists fear that any interruption to the study will lead to a further increase in global temperatures.

Dr. Jezev Venonja, a Doctor of Climatology at the Independent Earth Temperature Increase Institute, says that this effect, which he calls "study paralysis", is also believed to contribute heavily to warming, and says that a decision should be made quickly. "But not too quickly," he added with a smile, "as that will also cause some warming."

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Puzzle Time

It's time once again for us to quiz our genius readers. At first glance, the two pictures below appear absolutely 100% identical. But there are actually three differences. Carefully study the photo on the left and then compare it to the one on the right. Then draw a circle around each difference you spot and amaze your partisan friends! Answer next week!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Another Blow to Big Racism: Health Reform Bill Passes Cloture

The Health Reform bill got one step closer to passage late Sunday night in a deathblow to Big Racism. Now black people and other minorities that racists hate can finally get the health care they deserve without racist racists there to stop them.

Despite months of cross burning and public lynchings by angry mobs, the Senate Democrats braved everything at 1AM to do what is necessary to care deeply for the victims of racism. The Independent talked to some people on the street to get their thoughts.

John Jackson, a self-identified conservative remarked, "I hate this bill. It seems like a power grab for the political elite. Oh and by the way black people are bad."

Jim Hudson, another self-identified conservative who voted for John McCain and likes Sarah Palin said, "It's over 2,000 pages long and nobody has even read it yet. Where's the transparency? Also people with darker skin than mine should go back to where they came from."

And Ron Freeman, a black Republican who sells his people out daily and should probably go lighten his skin like Michael Jackson did said, "This bill is too expensive and isn't going to help anyone. I wish they would just start over. And, oh yeah, race traitors rule."

But we cannot stop. Big Racism is already looking for other ways to persecute minorities, such as denying Global Warming, complaining about joblessness, and saying that they "don't approve" of Barack Obama's policies. Some of the code phrases they are now employing are "he's way too liberal", "I think he should really slow down and see what the people want" and "why is Congress doing all this stuff in the dark of night?"

See? Dark. You can't make this stuff up.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Mega Independent Poll: 72% Say It's Bush's Fault

A sample of 1500 Independent readers. Thank you to all who responded.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Independent Investigates:
Rooting Through Sarah Palin's Garbage - Day 23

Everybody has some garbage occasionally. But nobody does garbage quite like the Palins. Their cans are absolutely full of it. Just bags and bags and bags of unwanted smelly remains. We're talking about stuff a normal person would hardly want to touch, let alone eat.

This is the third week of our Mega Working For You Investigation, and it's the third week that the Palins rolled their stench-filled waste out into the street to be picked up by some government worker.

That's right... Miss I'm Against Socialism doesn't mind the government going around and collecting her fetid waste and other assorted junk discarded by her family. Maybe when she gets finished flying around the country on her "bus" tour, she could direct us to the line in the Constitution about dumping her filthy leftovers into a giant automatic truck?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Cap and Trade Explained

Global Warming will kill you. Then Global Warming will kill your children. Then Global Warming will kill your children's children and all of their friends. Then you will die. Unless we do something about it now. And even if the world isn't warming at all and it's all fake and none of this is true, isn't it better that we do something instead of nothing?

As you may or may not know, "Cap and Trade" is the anti-global-warming energy bill currently up for consideration in the Senate. Now "Cap and Trade" is actually a very misleading name which doesn't help explain what it really is. A more appropriate name would be "Cap and Yayyyy!!!!". No, the "cap" part doesn't refer to "capitalism", but rather a limit on what evil profiteers can do with the energy they expend in the name of so-called business.

This program forces greedy billionaire CEO's to either stop doing what they're doing, or pay more money to the government. Either way, it's an obvious win for the betterment of society as a whole. This is the Michael Jordan slam dunk of bills that will make America awesome.

Remember, the only people that don't believe in Global Climate Change are paid corporate shills for Big Oil and Big Energy. And these anti-children Republican scare-monger obstructionists in the Senate keep threatening to put this bill to sleep, so that's why it's very important that you call your Senator and let him or her know that you are pro-children and not anti-future. Tell them to pass Cap and Yay today. If it's a Republican, ask why they are hurting the children and see what they say to that.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Continuing Tea Party Coverage

The weather has gotten much colder, and a photo of the 9/12/09 Teabag March on Washington has finally surfaced.

As you already know from what you've heard about the Tea Parties, a bunch of racists descended on our capital to make their voices heard in the name of white power, individual white freedom and the suppression of every other color's basic rights. And women. Their basic rights. I attended this party as an objective reporter and interviewed everybody there. And the adjective I definitely would most use to describe these so-called party goers is, "klanlike". The only thing missing was a giant sheet.

In the aerial panorama above, you can clearly see the extent of the protest from this stuck-in-the-1800's radical fringe minority. There wasn't really enough of them (I count eight) to generate any arrests or make any kind of actual difference to the legislative justice being dealt out compassionately by our fair and wise Congress, but as always, bringing you both sides of the story equally is what matters.

We strive for accuracy here at The Independent. If you can see more than eight people in this photograph (say, for example, nine), please write to us and we will correct this factual error.

The Independent's 100 Most Beautiful Women

The annual survey of our independent, unbiased readers has once again revealed the most aesthetically pleasing women in the world. Many thanks to all who voted, and to the community organizers on the ground who helped GOTV.

From those luscious near-perfect lips, to the supple cheeks, to the eyebrows shaped by mother nature's elusive protractor, there was little room for doubt in the Mega Independent Newsroom about the ability of our readers to spot classic allure. We are happy to announce that the winner for the second straight year, and still the proud holder of the title of the most beautiful woman in America, is the ultra-ravishing Nancy Pelosi.

Here is where we would normally list the other 99 gorgeous beauties, but from scrumptious Joy and delicious Janeane all the way to the mouth-watering Whoopi and dreamy Maureen, they all know there can only be one true queen. You simply don't call yourself a red blooded American male unless that gavel makes you weak in the knees. Congratulations again to Queen Speaker. And, by the way, you can stop drooling now, fellas!

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