Friday, November 26, 2010

Sarah Palin's Latest Stupidity: She Thinks Earth is a Plant

In a twitter message to her legion of followers the other day, Sarah Palin referred to our home, Earth, as a "plant".

"Can you believe she actually thinks Earth is a plant?", asked one anonymous Democrat Strategist. "If so, then where's all the chlorophyll, genius?!"

"Yeah," asked another, "What kind is it? Let me guess! A rhododendron!"

And here all along, we at The Mega Independent thought Earth was actually a planet, hurtling through space and orbiting the sun for billions and billions of years. Thank goodness Sarah Palin was there to correct us and remind us that we're all just living on a big leafy thing sitting in a pot somewhere.

She later corrected her tweet, claiming that it was a simple typo that anyone could make, but we know the real truth. She doesn't know the difference between planets and plants.

"What happened", asked one longtime Republican campaign manager who asked that he not be named, "Does she think that someone picked us up in the garden section at Home Depot? What an idiot!"

"Yeah," said another, "That must be some big plant! A big round plant!"

One of the main criticisms of Palin since bursting on the political scene is that she lacks the gravitas of basic scientific knowledge that everyone else has. The fact that she thinks Earth is a plant is not going to help her in this regard.

What's next, Sarah? Jupiter is a tree?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Special Advertising Section - Cinemax Double Feature

Tonight on Cinemax...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Democrats Petition Dancing With the Stars For Brandy vs. Bristol Recount

Last night's Dancing With the Stars is not without its controversy, as Bristol Palin, the much maligned daughter of former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, skated through into the television show's final round, beating out supreme megastar of the universe, Brandy.

The results of the vote, believed by many to be part of a much grander Tea Party conspiracy, is being questioned by some prominent liberal lawmakers, including Al Franken, the amazing, accomplished senator from Minnesota. "While it appears on the surface that the maligned Bristol Palin won fair and square, it's very possible there may be some 'lost' sets of votes that might possibly turn up in favor of Brandy", remarked a Franken aide. "We just want to make sure the process is fair."

Along with texting and computer voting, apparently many of the votes are still phoned in to old fashioned answering machines, and these machines are often transported via car trunk to central headquarters where they are counted by staffers by hand. "Disenfranchised answering machines", explained an anonymous Capitol Hill Democrat with a wink, "have a habit of turning up in the craziest places".

A report by someone close to DWTS claims that 200,000 votes for Brandy have already been found on a computer server that was mistakenly switched off by a staffer on Tuesday morning.

And reportedly another 80,000 votes for Brandy took a wrong internet turn on Monday night and ended up stalled all night in network traffic.

In addition, more than 50,000 votes were dialed in for the often maligned Bristol on phones with the old fashioned rotary dial and had to be thrown out completely. "Did they mean to dial a five and their finger missed the hole and dialed a seven instead? We just can't reasonably establish 'voter intent' in those cases", said the Franken aide. When you dial a seven on a rotary phone, the rotary dial actually goes past the five on its way to its destination.

"Maybe those voters wanted to vote for Brandy and Bristol once each, and didn't feel like making two separate calls. You just don't know. So we throw out the votes in the interest of complete fairness and integrity."

And while 300,000 or so found votes for Brandy sounds like the recount might be tipping the scales a little bit in favor of the incredibly talented singing superstar who everyone adores, it's fair to note that during the recount process, 2 more votes for Bristol turned up, also.

Added the aide to Franken, "Nothing is more sacred in America than the voting process, and we're going to make sure that every vote gets counted until the outcome is what it should be. Brandy got hosed."

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bazooka Barry and His Gang

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Breaking: Bag of Connecticut Ballots Found on Moon

The too-close-to-call governor's election in Connecticut took a shocking turn of events early Thursday evening when a scientist at Columbia University spotted a bag of uncounted ballots on the moon.

"So I was just doing some research for a brand new study about craters, and lo and behold what do I see sitting in one? A giant bag of uncounted absentee Connecticut ballots."

What is not yet known is how the ballots got there, but some Democratic strategists propose that it was a bulk delivery that accidentally got rocketed into space within the last week or so.

"Connecticut... Cape Canaveral... those place names sound so similar, don't they?", asked one anonymous White House official. "Someone must have taken a wrong turn, ya know?"

Wrong turn, indeed. The race, which had previously put the Republican Foley up by roughly 5,000 votes was determined way too close to be called, and for good reason. A study out of a Canadian university last year said that votes that got stuffed into a bag and rocketed into space by accident and then later found during the recount process were ten times more likely to be for the Democrat in the race. And who knows how many ballots are in that bag? It's gotta be at least 6,500, which, if the Canadian study is correct, would put Malloy up by a few hundred votes and get him ready for seating in the Governor's mansion.

"I just hope those ballots survive the journey through the Troposphere so they can be counted accurately," remarked a Malloy campaign member with a smirk. "The electoral process in this country is absolutely sacred. And that means ballots that are hidden in car trunks, photocopied and found in mysterious leftover bags, or even ones that are discovered in deep space all need to be counted if we are to stay faithful to our Constitutional principles."

Constitutional principles. Let's see if the Tea Partiers want to complain about that one.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Scientists: "Don't Eat the Pudding"

A new study out of the University of California Berkeley finds that if you see any pudding in the open air in the next few days, do not eat it.

Don't touch it. No matter how delectably chocolatey (or vanilla-y) it appears, just don't. And you would be better off not really inspecting it too closely, either.

Just trust us.

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