Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Democrats Petition Dancing With the Stars For Brandy vs. Bristol Recount

Last night's Dancing With the Stars is not without its controversy, as Bristol Palin, the much maligned daughter of former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, skated through into the television show's final round, beating out supreme megastar of the universe, Brandy.

The results of the vote, believed by many to be part of a much grander Tea Party conspiracy, is being questioned by some prominent liberal lawmakers, including Al Franken, the amazing, accomplished senator from Minnesota. "While it appears on the surface that the maligned Bristol Palin won fair and square, it's very possible there may be some 'lost' sets of votes that might possibly turn up in favor of Brandy", remarked a Franken aide. "We just want to make sure the process is fair."

Along with texting and computer voting, apparently many of the votes are still phoned in to old fashioned answering machines, and these machines are often transported via car trunk to central headquarters where they are counted by staffers by hand. "Disenfranchised answering machines", explained an anonymous Capitol Hill Democrat with a wink, "have a habit of turning up in the craziest places".

A report by someone close to DWTS claims that 200,000 votes for Brandy have already been found on a computer server that was mistakenly switched off by a staffer on Tuesday morning.

And reportedly another 80,000 votes for Brandy took a wrong internet turn on Monday night and ended up stalled all night in network traffic.

In addition, more than 50,000 votes were dialed in for the often maligned Bristol on phones with the old fashioned rotary dial and had to be thrown out completely. "Did they mean to dial a five and their finger missed the hole and dialed a seven instead? We just can't reasonably establish 'voter intent' in those cases", said the Franken aide. When you dial a seven on a rotary phone, the rotary dial actually goes past the five on its way to its destination.

"Maybe those voters wanted to vote for Brandy and Bristol once each, and didn't feel like making two separate calls. You just don't know. So we throw out the votes in the interest of complete fairness and integrity."

And while 300,000 or so found votes for Brandy sounds like the recount might be tipping the scales a little bit in favor of the incredibly talented singing superstar who everyone adores, it's fair to note that during the recount process, 2 more votes for Bristol turned up, also.

Added the aide to Franken, "Nothing is more sacred in America than the voting process, and we're going to make sure that every vote gets counted until the outcome is what it should be. Brandy got hosed."

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