Saturday, January 30, 2010

Mega Roundtable - Issues 2010

And now it's time to return to our "Mega Roundtable" where a moderator and two commentators representing a cross section of opinions debate all of the issues facing our country today.

Issue #1 - Obama's Performance

Moderator: Obama's performance has been the subject of much debate in his first year. Given all the problems he inherited, and all the sheer obstinance by the so-called "opposition" party, who have done nothing but attempt to derail his presidency by any means necessary, how do you think he is doing?

Commentator #1: I think anyone with any legitimate insight would have to admit that he has handled his troubles exceptionally well. Are there things he could have done differently? Sure. One is that he gave Republicans too much opportunity to influence his administration and policies. But this is easily one of the best first years by a President going all the way back to George Washington.

Commentator #2: One of the best first years by a President going back to Washington? Are you crazy? It's simply the best first year by a President going back to Washington. It only makes you wish there were more than 42 Presidents to compare him to, because even with 10,000 or so other presidents, it's obvious he would eclipse them all.

Commentator #1: I don't know about all of them. Out of 10,000 other presidents, you figure there might be other people in there who are more pragmatic, and even less beholden to the interests of the opposing party. You figure there might even be one or two other Obama's in there. What do you do then? How would you compare him to another Barack Obama?

Commentator #2: I don't think you could fairly compare him to another Barack Obama. For now, you would have to say he is better than any clone of himself, because he is the original, and the original is always best. But if the Obama clone was all you had, then of course, the clone would still be better than anybody else. Barack Obama and the Obama clones reign supreme as the most amazing Presidents in the history of this country. Nay, the world.

Commentator #1: But let's look seriously at this for a minute. You would really have to say that any Obama clones would at least be equally as good as the original. That's the definition of a clone. An exact copy. It's not fair to the clones to contend that the original would inherently be best. An Obama is an Obama is an Obama. All are incredibly awesome, especially when it comes to presidenting in the first year.

Commentator #2: Sure, as clones of Barack, by definition all are instinctively awesome. But the clones have yet to prove themselves, where the original has had a year to be the most utterly fantastic President the world has yet seen. You can't say that about his clones, unless we look hypothetically at a situation where the clones have each sat in office for at least a year. In that case, it is fair to say that all would probably at least be equal. I will concede your point that an Obama clone is probably as good as the original, but you have to concede my point that the original Obama is unbelievably awesome.

Commentator #1: I concede that he is unbelievably awesome. In fact, I think I was the first to bring that point to the table.

Commentator #2: Well, even if you were, I was the first to put the exclamation point on it.

Moderator: Well, that's all the issues we have time for on this edition of Mega Roundtable. I think one thing we can be sure of is that, no matter our differences of opinion, we can always find common ground somewhere. Thanks to both of you and we'll see you next time on Roundtable.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Poll: State of the Union

We polled 3000 Independent readers about the current "State of the Union" to find out how independents believe President Obama is doing. Thank you to all who responded.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Jump Down, Turn Around

An Opinion Column by Pauline Chandler

I was walking down Fifth Avenue with a friend of mine on Saturday when I remembered a story my father used to tell me when I was a small child. It was about monsters and terrible things and there was a hero in it, and at the end, everybody was very happy. But as we all know, that's not the way life works.

W. promised us safety from terrorism and a new brand of prosperity, but the policies of corporate greed and malfeasance put us squarely on the road to Nowheresville, USA. And if it wasn't for the big wakeup call that America received in 2008, we'd still be there, waterboarding bakers we kidnapped off the streets of Iraq in Guantanamo Bay for kicks.

Unfortunately, as the Special Election in Massachusetts proves all too well, there are a lot of things still very wrong with our system. Things are hard, life is hard and times are hard, and Democrats are the ones in charge. So Democrats will be the ones who are punished for it.

But it doesn't have to be this way, if they would only stop telling everyone the truth.

Despite what the Founding Fathers may have believed about liberty and freedom, the cold reality is that people deep down are sheep. Give them a hint of grass and clover, and they surely will follow. And if they can't smell anything, they will simply look around for the nearest hanging wool and walk behind the other sheep. This is the stopped down, Wasilla Alaska type mentality that leads people to vote for a centerfold over a lawyer.

It's time for the Democrats to stop telling the truth and start telling people what they want to hear. People don't want to hear that they're going to have to make sacrifices for a common good, to help people who lack opportunity, who are lower on the social scale than they are. They want to know that they themselves are going to get something out of the deal. So tell them they will. It doesn't matter. Most of them drive pickup trucks and watch NASCAR. By the time they realize that they've had to make a sacrifice or two, and they're not getting anything concrete for their tax dollars, they will probably be on their eleventh beer, and hitting their wife.

If you've ever attempted to maneuver a dog into your vehicle so you can cart him off to the vet, you'll know what I mean. Dogs don't want to go to the vet, because going to the vet means getting shots and being poked and prodded and having allsorts done to make them better. So you leave a bone on the seat, and in hops Rover. Off to the vet you go.

Now more than ever, Masssachusetts proves that Democrats need to give the people a good bone.

President Obama must never again get up on stage and tell people the reality; that 50 million people walk around uninsured in this country, and at any moment could be hit by a car and be left on the street to die. If the tea parties prove anything, it's that people don't understand what "Health Insurance Reform" is. Big words confuse them and they end up pulling levers for truck drivers.

So call it something else. Call it a "Middle Class Tax Cut". As W. demonstrated, people love it when you cut their taxes. So tell them that's what you're doing, and get the real sausage of slashing Medicare and setting up boards that will make wise and fair health decisions for them under the radar. Half the voters in Massachusetts said they were voting for The Naked Senator Scottyboy Brown because of Health Insurance Reform. They wouldn't have been saying that if the Democrats had called it "Tax Cuts". That was the big mistake.

Same thing with taking over the banks. Don't tell people you're taking them over. Tell people you're "helping" the banks. "Bailout" has all of a sudden become a poisonous word. So call it "Bank Assistance". Call it "Bank Loving". Call it "Bank Is Good Now, Ook, Ook, Ook". Speak the people's language.

The result is the same, but everybody stays in the dark. This is what it's come to, in the era of YouTube and the Internet. It's so easy now to spread misinformation, and for people to be totally, completely and thoroughly misled. Democrats need to use this to their advantage, start doing some misleading of their own, and stop letting the other side win.

Put the honesty away, Democrats, before we lose something more than a Senator.

Pauline Chandler is an independent Nobel Laureate who writes for The Mega Independent.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What Obama Must Do Now

Scott Brown has been elected to the Senate. Ted Kennedy's seat is filled. About 135,000 registered Democrats voted for him, in the bluest of blue states. The people of Massachusetts have spoken. They have sent a message loud and clear to Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. And that message is...

"You need to do more stuff."

If more stuff had been done by January 19th, there is no doubt that Martha Coakley would be Senator right now, and the Democrats' filibuster proof majority would remain in tact. The people in this country are angry. And not just teabagger extremists, either. But real people. They're angry and they have spoken. They've said their piece. They want healthcare reform. They want cap and trade. They want amnesty for undocumented immigrant workers. They want it all. But they want it yesterday.

"You didn't tax and spend fast enough for us, President Obama. And this is your punishment."

Unemployment remains over 10%. The misery index is rising. That's all a remnant from the Bush era, and the people of Massachusetts know it. They can feel it in their voting bones. And they've let everybody know that they know that it's time for Obama to act. The time for talk is over. Talk is cheap. And actions speak louder than words.

"Your agenda is perfect, Democrats. We love you. Here's our wallet and our credit cards. And here's the money we set aside for our children's education. Take it. Take their children's money, too. Because you're smarter than us and you'll know what to do with it. Please, just don't hurt us. We won't call the police. We won't tell anyone what you look like. Take it all and just let us go. Please."

This wasn't a vote for Scott Brown or against Martha Coakley. It was a vote against the status quo of 40 obstructionist Republicans in the Senate. For 12 months, we've heard nothing but excuses from the Republicans. "Wah, executive power. Wah, the Democrats can do whatever they want. Wah, an 80 vote majority in the House, and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. Wah, wah, wah, we're the party of no and we want Obama to fail. Well, now Massachusetts has said, "okay, here's your 41st Republican... now what are you gonna do, Republicans?"

All the excuses the Republicans have been making toward stopping real positive progressive change are gone, just like that. And as Scott Brown gasses up his truck and heads toward Washington D.C., the Republicans there this morning are all no doubt shaking in their collective filibustering boots.

Whether you're a Democrat or Republican, or an Independent like us, this vote was obviously a double down on the Hope that was commanded by the people in 2008. "Work faster, Mr. President. Work harder. Work smarter. Work better. Give Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid more power to get things done. Do your backroom deals with more gusto. Don't just spend a little bit of our money, spend it all. Spend it all on things we all believe in. Lie to us, but really believe your lies this time. Change."

Massachusetts has spoken. Are you listening, Mr. President?

Monday, January 18, 2010

TMI Living Section: Caring For Your Car

The Mega Independent Automotive Doctor has a few tips for getting the most out of your vehicle during these tough winter months, especially in the northeast, in states like Massachusetts.
The Doctor Says...

* Check under the hood about once a week, or whenever refueling.

* Change your oil about every 3000 miles, and change your oil filter about every 6000-10000 miles, or when the manufacturer recommends.

* Wash your car once every couple of weeks. Hand washing is recommended, but a car wash is good for getting the excess road grime and corrosive salt off of the finish. This can extend the value of your car.

* A little known trouble spot for many vehicles is the trunk. An empty trunk can be subject to very harmful water and weather damage, especially in mid to late January. To avoid any such problems, keep dead space in your trunk to a minimum by filling it with something cheap. Fortunately, boxes of paper "trunk savers" can be found at your local community center office by the pallet load, and the volunteers there will be more than happy to assist you. A sample "trunk saver" is shown below.

Happy Driving!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Breaking: Scott Brown Mega Scandal!

Reports from inside the crumbling Scott Brown campaign indicate a scandal from which it may be too late to recover. We at the Mega Independent are proud to do our part for unbiased patriotic justice and uncover this, potentially just in time to save our Republic.

We have an unverified report that Scott Brown once drank orange juice from the bottle and then put it back in the fridge.

You read that right. Your eyes aren't deceiving you. This man, Scott Brown, who has made it all the way to the edge of a Special Senate Election seat, once drank orange juice from the bottle and then put it back in the fridge. Yup. If this report is true, then he put his lips directly on the bottle itself and then drank and drank and drank. And drank. Then he recapped it and put it back inside like nothing had happened.

What does this tell you about Scott Brown, Massachusetts? That was his family's orange juice. And he just lifted it right there out of the fridge and didn't even bother getting himself a glass. He just took the cap right off and then gulped down a giant swig, all for his selfish self. He enjoyed it, too. Got the Vitamin C and everything.

And his campaign's futile explanation for this dirty dealing? "Uh, I dunno. It was the middle of the night, it was dark and he was probably thirsty."

Dark and he was thirsty. Uh-huh.

No lights in the kitchen at the Brown Estate? The fridge itself doesn't have a light inside it that comes on when you open the door? Well, that would certainly be a first. A fridge without a light inside it. Unless the fridge was made in 1820. Ha! Too bad they didn't make fridges in 1820, Scott Brown.

The lies, deception and dirty tricks from the Brown campaign never cease to confound. Doesn't he know that he has germs? Germs which he could pass on to his wife, in this the Swine Flu Age?

And to his children? What about the children? Why doesn't Scott Brown care about children? If wantonly and surreptitiously spreading filth and disease is the kind of thing he does to his own defenseless children, causing them to potentially require costly healthcare, what will he do to your children and your healthcare?

Think of America as the refigerator, and Teddy Kennedy's Senate seat as the shelf. Scott Brown wants to just rip that cap right off of the "bottle" (Congress) and drink up all of the "juice" (legislation) all for himself. Maybe then he'll put it back in the "fridge" (the Capitol Building) or maybe he won't. But by then, everything will have already been contaminated by his "germs" (Republicans).

Let's not give him the chance, Massachusetts. Vote Martha Coakley before we find out what other monsters are hiding in Scott Brown's closet. If he wins on Tuesday, then by Wednesday, it will be too late.

The cap will already be off the juice.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Mega Independent Poll: Coakley 90%, Brown 0%

We polled 2500 Independent readers about the Special Senate Election on Tuesday to take the temperature of the independent electorate. Thank you to all who responded.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Special Advertising Section

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Coakley Aide Barely Survives Ninja Reporter Attack

On Tuesday night, outside a fundraiser for Martha Coakley's Massachusetts senate campaign, Martha Coakley and campaign aide Michael Meehan were clearly minding their own business on the street when a conservative ninja reporter tried to do injurious harm both of them. As you can clearly see in the above photo, Meehan's knees are totally defenseless to the ground attack from the dragon fisted reporter.

"This was a blindside assault on some people that were just walking down the street, not doing anything to anyone. Shoes can be a very deadly weapon, and the ground can provide an unbelievable amount of leverage for a hematoma-inducing scissor kick. And hematomas can kill", remarked Attorney General Eric Holder. "We take low-level stealth aggression such as this one very seriously, and rest assured we will investigate and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law."

Political expert Chris Matthews of hard-hitting investigative news channel MSNBC declared, "This is pure desperation by a white teabagging minority, who have to resort to sneaky acts of violence when they can't win the popular vote. Martha is lucky that black metal grate was there to block the ninja reporter's further onslaught of martial arts madness."

A Democratic strategist who wished to remain anonymous said, "I'm afraid to walk down the street now. This suprise aggression has terrorized me. You never know when some biased conservative reporter is going to be lying on the ground facing up with his fierce limbs of kung fu fury flying at you from all directions. I'm always looking down now to make sure my path is totally clear."

There are conflicting reports from eyewitnesses over what the reporter was screaming while he was on the ground. It was either "Die, democrat die, I'll kill you, you lousy healthcare reforming, tax the rich and help the poor, save the planet from deadly warming, punish evil corporations for stealing from everyone, liberal, DIE!!!!!!!!", or "Ouch, please, help me up".

If it was "Ouch, please, help me up", you can be sure he said it very menacingly, with a look of pure terrorization in his eyes.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Mega Independent Special Election Coverage:
The Mega Independent Endorses Martha Coakley

As part of our continuing unbiased coverage of all things political, the Mega Independent heartily endorses Martha Coakley in the special election for the Massachusetts seat owned by Ted Kennedy on January 19th.

The seat, which embodies Kennedy's bold independent pioneering will of open-handed bipartisanship, is waiting for someone to fill it who can bring to the table a similar moderate, go-anywhere spirit.

This special election isn't about left or right, it's about moving forward. And how can you move forward with a 59-41 split in Congress, a virtual stalemate? Are frozen unpassable bills what the founders had in mind when they created the legislative branch? Obviously not or they would have specified that they were making a branch of government where they didn't want anything to ever happen.

There's an old cliche in Washington - "Nothing good ever gets done unless you force it through behind closed doors in the dark of night with an overwhelming majority that nobody can stop". It is just this brash, self-reliant, not-beholden-to-any-special-interest enthusiasm that Washington needs, and that Martha Coakley embodies.

Martha Coakley's fundraiser last night, hosted by a diverse range of top health insurance and pharmaceutical lobbyists, demonstrates a stout resolution of "working together" that America so desperately craves.

And who supports her opponent, Scott Brown? People with money, that's who. On Monday, Scott Brown initiated an online "money bomb" (note the threatening teabag terror language) where he claimed at the beginning of the day that he wanted to raise $500,000. Well, by the end of the day, he'd raised over $1,000,000, displaying both an obvious lack of foresight, poor judgment, and most of all, clumsy handling of all things monetary.

If you worked for some big financial company, and underestimated some future transaction by more than 100%, you would be out of a job right now. It's that simple. Is this the type of man you want voting for your thousand page bills?

Scott Brown will tell you that he is beholden to the special interests of the Founding Fathers. And he is. Provided they appear on spendable legal tender.

On Tuesday January 19th, you have a choice. Do you want someone in Washington who is going to do what she and the pharmaceutical industry know will make America awesome? Or do you want a me-me-me, go-getter in Washington, who is going to base all of his decisions on the money he can "bomb" for his next so-called "campaign"?

If you happen to be passing through Massachusetts on Tuesday, go to the nearest voting booth and vote Coakley. Then find another polling station and do it again. If you see someone at one of these precincts and they look like they might be voting for Scott Brown, casually brandish a night stick before they go inside and let them know that you know that they will "make the right choice". With any luck they'll get scared and call the police. By the time the law comes and sorts everything out, they might even forget that they didn't vote.

Please Note: The Mega Independent does not endorse violence or even the not-so-veiled threat of violence against anybody, especially if they agree with our deeply held core values. The threat of violence with a night stick is wrong and it is a choice you will have to make independently on your own, based on how much you happen to think somebody might disagree with you. The Mega Independent does not endorse the use of night sticks by civilians outside voting precincts, and at the bottom of this article, you will not see a list of places where you can find night sticks with donkey logos, in a variety of ultra-visible and mega-fashionable day-glo colors, in handy sizes that fit even the biggest, strongest, most menacing vote suppressing fists.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Tips on Greening Your Home

It's 2010 and lots of us have resolved to care more about the planet. But are we actually doing anything about it? Our resident Green Expert weighs in with some tips on greening your home in the new year and making the world a much better, healthier and cooler place for everybody else.
* Many appliances that are plugged in tend to suck up invisible electricity when you're not using them. Unplug your TV when you're not watching it. Also unplug the fridge whenever the door is closed.

* Studies have shown that the electricity we burn by using artificial light in a single year is more than all the other electricity we use combined. Take photographs around your house during the day so you know where everything is. Then when night falls, don't use any of your lights. Just navigate around with the photographs you took earlier.

* People release lots of extra carbon dioxide when they laugh. Instead of playing funny games with your children, read them a depressing story.

And here's some Greening tips from the editors of The Mega Independent, which they themselves sometimes follow:

* Forgot your keys upstairs in your bedroom? Instead of using that fancy elevator to get back up there, try taking the stairs.

* That daily commute to your private jet is a brutal on the environment. See if you can remember to carpool to the airfield at least once a week.

* It takes a very carbon intensive process to make that dish of Filet Mignon. Replace your Filet Mignon once every few months with a New York Strip or perhaps a Coq Au Vin or Cassoulet Duck Confit. If your dish includes a wine reduction, tell the chef to make sure the grapes are local. You can never be too green or sacrifice too much.

* Your servants waste a lot of carbon dioxide going back and forth from the dining room to their quarters. Have them stand right there while you eat your meal in case you need anything.
We hope these tips are useful to you in the new year. The environment is ours to share. Together, we CAN make a differerence.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

We All Owe Harry Reid A Gigantic Apology

There's a new book coming out called "Game Change" in which Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is quoted as saying that Barack Obama is a "light skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one". A ridiculous stink has now been made about these comments.

It's obvious to any fair-minded or reasonable person what Harry Reid meant by what he said. When he said Obama was "light skinned African-American", he was obviously meaning that Obama was a "talented politician". And when he said "with no Negro dialect", he clearly meant "with several years of experience in the Senate". And finally, when Harry Reid said "unless he wanted to have one", he didn't specify what he meant by "one". Maybe he was talking about a burger, and saying Obama wasn't hungry. Maybe he was talking about a pony, and saying Obama was too grown up for one. Why do we need to make all these assumptions, cast aspersions and level attacks? What's with us these days? Why so partisan?

We owe Harry Reid an apology. Our push-button remote, X-Box 360, 24-hour blog, instant Twitter culture has gone crazy taking all kinds of words out of context and making big deals about them. How would you like it if someone suddenly made a big issue about something you said over a year ago and forced you to apologize?

You wouldn't. You wouldn't like it one single bit. Oooh... you said the word "African" in 2003. I guess that makes you a "racist" now. Let's build some gallows and hang you from them. Gee... I really hope you didn't ever say that somebody "wanted to have one". That's so prejudiced and controversial. And just imagine if you said he or she "wanted to have two"? That's doubly prejudiced. Wow. You ought to be fired and go to jail for saying people "want" things. That's apparently a capital offense now.

The bottom line is the real victim in all this isn't Obama or you or me. It's Harry Reid. The man just wants healthcare for everybody, taxes on greedy rich people and an end to America's policy of "dirty energy" and now everyone wants to get all over his case because he accidentally used the spanish word for "black"? Well excuse the man for being multi-lingual. Americans could learn a thing or two about knowing languages besides english. Did you know that most people in other developed cultures speak at least two languages?

And if "dialect" is such a terrible word, then I guess that means that all linguists are racists, too? They use the word "dialect" all the time. How come we're not forcing them to apologize?

I guarantee you that if Harry Reid was talking about a white person and said something completely different, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Say instead of saying "Barack Obama is a light skinned African-American with no negro dialect unless he wants to have one", Senator Reid said that "Meryl Streep is a fine actress who has won many awards and is starring in several upcoming movies", nobody would have batted an eye. Nobody. The hypocrisy and double standards here are as indisputable as they are disgusting.

If you have any moral values left at all, you will draw a picture of Harry Reid on a piece of paper and apologize to it right now. And just in case you cannot draw, we have provided a picture of Harry Reid below for you to apologize to. Turning away without doing so would make you an animal of the lowest possible phylum.

You should be thoroughly ashamed for what you have done to Harry Reid. That's if you're even capable of shame anymore.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Book News

We are extremely proud to announce that our very own conservative columnist, Frank Finger, has a brand new book out in stores this coming Tuesday. Here's an advanced look at the cover:

His previous book "Why The Democrats Are Right About Everything: A Republican Explains It All" is now available in paperback.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

DHP Releases New "Ultra Vigilant" Terror Guidelines

As the attempted Christmas attack on Flight 253 reminds us, terror is something that isn't going to magically go away. Terrorism is around us and it's here to stay. But there are patterns, and there is stuff we can do, and it involves being extra vigilant around certain kinds of people. It means looking for suspicious things and reporting them if necessary.

Because of this, the Department of Homeland Protection has released some new ultra vigilant guidelines. As this newspaper is interested in stopping terror at all costs, we have reprinted these mega-helpful guidelines below. Please observe them, and happy terrorist hunting!

DHP Anti-Terror Vigilance Guidelines
Things You Should Watch Out For

1. All terrorists have skin. Be on the lookout for people with skin. If you see someone with skin acting strange or carrying a big bag that seems suspicious, go ahead and feel free to report it. Your identity will be protected. Feel free to mention the skin, but DO NOT under any circumstances, describe the skin. "Skin" is good enough. We'll handle it from there.

2. The vast majority of terrorist faces have two eyes and a nose. Also a mouth, with lips, and a surrounding facial area that is capable of growing hair. We're not saying there is hair on the terrorist's face, or specifying what amount there might be, or how long it has been there, or even if it's ever been swept, just noting that the face does have the potential for hair. If you see a face that may or may not have hair, STAY ALERT.

3. Be extra cautious around people with nostrils. One thing that DHP has noticed with all attacks so far, is that nostrils have a very, very strong correlation with terror. There are generally two of them, and occasionally they have the capability of flaring slightly.

4. If you see or hear someone breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, at any particular rate of speed, keep an eye on them. Acute eyewitnesses from every terror scene report that each terrorist so far has taken part in a one to one exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. If you suspect someone is participating in this so-called "respiration", there is potential that they are a terrorist. Do not approach someone that is respirating, except with extreme vigilance and caution. These people may be extremely dangerous.

5. Finally, if you are in a crowded space, such as a sporting event or airport terminal, and you see someone with a head, feel free to watch them and report them, especially if the head is attached to a neck of some kind.

The DHP takes reports of potential terror very seriously. Call in any reports you may have but do not be too descriptive. We're America. Let's show the entire world that we can handle terrorism without offending anybody.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Iran's Nukes Won't Be Ready Until 2011

There is growing evidence that Iran's nuclear program could be more than just a green energy program. What was once considered by any thoughtful person to be a jobs-creating, environmentally friendly, progressive initiative has apparently turned into something slightly more inventive.

Iran may be developing nuclear weapons.

But, while proof mounts that they do have enough uranium to create the warheads, and they've been flaunting their launch capabilities - which stretch well into Europe and beyond - the good news is the program will not be completed until 2011.

That means we have at least another year of peace and happiness. And who but the most ardent tea-bagging scaremonger doesn't like the idea of a year of peace and happiness?

The bottom line is 2010 is going to be a wonderful year, where Iran does not have functioning nuclear weapons. So as long as it's still 2010, any threats they make toward other countries like Israel will be limp and lifeless. And any obliterations these weapons may incur will not happen until at least January.

That's next January.

So what are you worried about? A year is a long time. A lot can happen in a year. Are you trying to tell me a year isn't a long time or that a lot can't happen in a year?

Let's say Iran decides to eliminate Israel from the planet. It's not going to happen until at least 2011. It's not 2011 now, is it? Am I mistaken? Is my calendar wrong? Have I been asleep for a year? Did the ball in Times Square the other night have the wrong number flashing on it repeatedly with glitter and no one noticed? Maybe there was glitter in my eye and the 1 looked like a 0? Oh that's right, I wasn't even in Times Square.

So it's definitely 2010, right? Right. That's what I thought. It's not 2011 yet. So shut up.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Showdown: Republicans vs. Democrats - Healthcare Edition

Although our level-headed readers are known for their balanced view of everything political - a little from this party, a little from that party - very often the winds in politics will shift and cause independents to break a certain way toward one side or the other. Because one day you may find yourself making a choice to align yourself with a party and put a big capital R or D next to your name for good, we at the Independent have decided to unveil "Showdown", an educational column devoted to giving you the most balanced information possible.

Showdown is where we break down the various ideologies that affect American life, so you can make an informed decision on who you want to be politically. Today we tackle the first of what will hopefully be many subjects.

Showdown R vs. D: Healthcare Edition

Level of Care

Democrats: Democrats believe healthcare is a basic right that should be extended to every single man and woman, boy and girl, regardless of color, sex, ethnicity, gender, race, creed, sexual orientation or level of brownness.

Republicans: Republicans believe that you should get sick and die. And if your family can't afford the burial, then they should also get sick and die until somebody is left alive who can afford to pay off Big Funeral, Big Cemetery and Big Undertaker.


Democrats: Democrats believe that everyone should be able to afford basic, advanced and super-advanced care, regardless of poverty status, income level, monetary savings or ability to pay.

Republicans: Republicans believe there are five people in America who are rich enough to be able to afford basic healthcare. All of them are old, white men whose ancestors owned slaves. They believe the other 300 million people should die. Actually, they believe the other 300 million people should already be dead, but failing that, they can go ahead and die right now. Tomorrow at the latest.

The Children

Democrats: Democrats believe that if a child is very sick, he or she should receive all healthcare possible regardless of age, numerical status, youthfulness or life experience.

Republicans: Republicans believe that if a child is very sick, he or she should grow up and get a job.


Democrats believe you should never be scared of anything, regardless of your level of fright, alarm, apprehension, panic, angst, trepidation or unease.

Republicans: Republicans want to scare you until you can afford to pay them to stop. When you lay down for bed tonight, check and make sure there isn't a Republican underneath it, waiting to make you sick and then laugh at you with his white friends because you don't have insurance. If he isn't under your bed, then he's in the closet. If he isn't in the closet, he is watching you on closed circuit television from a big expensive house in a remote location.

We hope this gives you a good overview of the many different views the parties have on the issue of healthcare. Choose carefully and vote with knowledge. And your heart!

Monday, January 4, 2010

"Greatness In Politics" Cards: Collect Them All!

As part of our continuing hard-hitting political coverage, we would like to offer all of our readers a chance to experience political greatness through a set of special, limited edition, educational once-in-a-lifetime collectible cards.

Celebrate the most wonderful names in American politics and worship their incredible amazingness like never before. Put them on your fridge for your children to admire, or maybe store them in a special laminated folder to pass on to future generations.

Available for a limited time only below is Card #1. Collect them all!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Mega Independent Poll: Amnesty

We polled 2000 Independent readers about Amnesty for Illegal Aliens to give a comprehensive picture of the humongous variety of feelings that are running high, far and wide over this extremely controversial matter. Thank you to all who responded.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

A Little Terror Never Hurt Anyone

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

There's lots of whining going on right now about the Underwear Bomber, the man who allegedly burned himself slightly on a flight inbound from Amsterdam to the U.S. Yes, it's true he might have been trying to blow up the plane. But it's also true that he didn't blow up the plane. People were scared, sure, but a little terror never hurt anyone.

Terrorism "works" because fear is a natural human emotion. If I were to terrorize you right now, surely you too would be scared. And studies have shown that people who are scared are more alert, and more apt to deal with surprises than people who are calm and happy.

Look, there's a bomb behind you!

See? That's scary. But you paid attention to what I was saying, didn't you. And if there really was a bomb behind you, you would know about it now, and you would be saved. And you would never, ever forget me, the man who put it there and then saved you.

Maybe if we listened more to what the terrorists had to say to us, we would learn lessons. Not just about them, but about ourselves. But unfortunately in this, the Twenty-Teens, the decade of Facebook, Twitter, and hey-look-at-what-I'm-doing-right-now-because-I'm-so-important-and-I-make-just-enough-money-to-feed-and-clothe-my-family-so-I'm-better-than-you, we no longer listen. We're a country full of selfish angry buffoons, wiling away the hours with our video games, our social tea, our house purchases, our GPS enabled planet-wrecking automobiles, and our greedy carbon-producing jobs.

On any given day, you probably care more about what your so-called "boss" tells you to do than what some poor unfortunate brown person in an oppressed country thinks about your misguided Western ways. And that's the real crime here. The bottom line is, we in America are the true criminals. We're the terrorists. We're the occupiers. We're the people we should be pointing our fingers at. But we don't.

Mistakes happen. People aren't perfect. Our elected leaders are not psychic deities that know every second of every day how to stop every single terrorist from ever getting on a plane. What should they do? Stop everybody who seems a little bit suspicious? And who defines "suspicious", anyway?

People could carry powder in their groin for any number of personal reasons. You want to go pulling a guy aside just because he doused his itchy jock in Gold Bond and it's pouring down his leg on his way through the metal detector, you go ahead and violate his rights. Then see if you can sleep at night, Mussolini.

So the next time you want to blame President Obama, or DHS or some other government agency that you now suddenly want to baby you like a helpless kid in some swaddle, stop complaining, take a deep breath and then put the real blame for everything that's wrong with the world where it actually belongs - yourself.

And if there's time, Bush.

Frank Finger is a five-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for The Mega Independent. And he's just been nominated for another Pulitzer for the above column, so make it six, baby.

Friday, January 1, 2010

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