Friday, April 8, 2011

Wisconsin Special Election: Kloppenburg is the Winner... of Our Hearts

After a topsy turvy few days which culminated in discovery of a computer error sending 7,000+ votes her opponent Prosser's way, it appears the Wisconsin special election has turned, and Joanne Kloppenburg has officially "lost".

But we just wanted to say Joanne, that while you may have lost in terms of "number of votes", you won the only victory that matters.... the victory of our hearts.

Sure, the Rethuglicans and Teabaggers will be gloating for the next several days, making speeches, dancing around, doing victory laps and performing certain unnameable acts with dessert stuffs, but what they cannot do is claim the higher moral ground.

Wars are not won one little meaningless special election at a time. They are won through engaging people on a non-visceral, spiritual level. You have done that to us, Joanne. You have done that to everyone who voted for you.

And those that voted for you, they can be consoled by this fact. All the union money that was spent on this election was not for naught, it was not "blown"... because it went for a good cause. And good causes are good. That's why they are called "good causes". And yes, you can rest assured we will surely win the next special election, and if Prosser-Kloppenburg ('scuse us, "Kloppenburg-Prosser") was to play out again right now, I would even be willing to bet that you would prevail, Joanne. We would prevail because we know we are right. And knowing is half the battle.

Chaucer once said that justice is a long and winding road. Today we hit a bump in that road and our big open truck full of brightly colored fruits and vegetables went flying all over the intersection in super-slo-mo Matrix style IMAX 3D bullet-time for the teabaggers to replay over and over again in their minds and blogs for at least the next week or so. But they cannot claim the moral victory, and the moral victory is what we have all our own.

So let their candidate "win"... let him sit there on the court making all his little decisions, and let him think deep down about what he truly is, and what he has done, and let him ruminate over that for a while.

They hit their game-winning shot, but it came after the buzzer. The refs blew the call and they should have gone home losers because they lost fair and square. That's what anyone with any true character would do. But they are Republicans and they will not do that, so we will exit the stadium knowing that we're the ones who really won the game, and at the end of the day, isn't that all that matters?

We will know deep down in ourselves that we are the true winners of this election, that Joanne and our side comported ourselves with dignity, style, grace and good humor, while they set vicious animals alight and cavorted around with disgusting sexual innuendo while smiling and laughing and dancing and high fiving each other in an endless circle of complete and utter devastating flame-retardant electoral victory.

But we will not be broken. Our spirits are as soaring high, Joanne, as high as your vote tally was on Tuesday night and for most of Wednesday and Thursday. And that you came so close to winning a statewide election despite the fact that you could scare the very siding off of a house, has not gone unnoticed in these quarters.

We know who the real winners are in this week's special election. You won something that cannot be counted by mere "votes" alone. You get more than just a gold star from us. You also get the Participation Trophy.

Thank you for your participation, Joanne.

You lost out on a seat, but you have won something they cannot. You have won the victory.... the victory of the human heart.


  1. I'm gonna watch her Victory Speech over and over and over again and pretend that votes don't matter.

  2. How long has the Mega Independent been open for comments?

    @phil: you're not from around here, are you.

    And finally, "performing certain unnameable acts with dessert stuffs..." Heh heh heh. Pudding, anyone?

  3. HC - Since January or so.

    Inno - Votes only matter when they matter, comrade.

    Phil - What are you trying to say?


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