Wow, can you believe it's Monday again already? The editors of The Mega Independent sure can't.
Don't get too down, though, because tomorrow is Tuesday, and then Wednesday and it's all downhill from there. As journalists, remember that we never sleep. Not even on weekends. We are always on guard, on a constant vigil, protecting you, the citizen, from tyranny by the 1%. By exposing information, presenting it fairly with a touch of Journalistic Justice, and keeping those in power honest.
Don't thank us. We feel it's our patriotic duty.
Happy Monday!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, May 3, 2012
News Brief: Elizabeth Warren's Inner Indian Gets in Fight With George Zimmerman's Inner White Man
Sparks flew at a campaign stop on Monday night, as George Zimmerman, out on bail and visiting some relatives in Massachusetts, spotted Elizabeth Warren (D) who is running to replace Scott Brown in Ted Kennedy's vacant Senate seat.
Everything was calm and cordial until the two made eye contact. All it took was one wrong look from Zimmerman's inner white man and Warren's inner Indian was off. The two went at it, firing bows and arrows at each other and, of course, guns. At one point, Zimmerman's white man was thrown from his horse and lost his hat.
Everything was calm and cordial until the two made eye contact. All it took was one wrong look from Zimmerman's inner white man and Warren's inner Indian was off. The two went at it, firing bows and arrows at each other and, of course, guns. At one point, Zimmerman's white man was thrown from his horse and lost his hat.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Obama's Afghanistan Speech 2012 Text (With Full Translation)
Afghanistan Speech 2012
Good evening from Bagram Air Base.
Hi there. Air Base, baby. Damn I'm good at foreign policy. Look at me. Should I do the OJ pose yet? I mean pre-Nicole.
This outpost is more than seven thousand miles from home
Kenya isn't 7,000 miles away from Afghanistan. Nor is Indonesia. I'm an American, just like you. See? I call America "home".
but for over a decade it has been close to our hearts.
Heart. Emotion. Feeling. Man, I look pretty awesome standing here with that hypnotic suggestion of warmth and good will, don't I.
Because here, in Afghanistan, more than half a million of our sons and daughters have sacrificed to protect our country.
The Good War. I'm a wartime president. Wartime President, baby. Damn, I'm good. Did I mention I got Bin Laden?
Today, I signed an historic agreement between the United States and Afghanistan that defines a new kind of relationship between our countries
Okay, I mentioned that we're all Americans, and sure these guys did some fighting, but it's time to talk about me. "I" signed it. Me. With the Presidential Pen. Barack with a capital B, baby. Forward.
– a future in which Afghans are responsible for the security of their nation, and we build an equal partnership between two sovereign states; a future in which the war ends, and a new chapter begins.
The Good War is over. And it marks a new beginning. The beginning of my second term.
Tonight, I’d like to speak to you about this transition.
"I". Did I mention me yet?
But first, let us remember why we came here.
Oh, I *did* mention me? Well let's talk about some other people for a while...
It was here, in Afghanistan, where Osama bin Laden
BOO-YAHH!!!!! OHHHHHHHH YEAH!!! YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE GUY WHO GOT HIM BABY!!!! KOOL-AID MAN BURSTING THROUGH THE WALL!!! I'M THE KING!!!!!!!!
established a safe-haven for his terrorist organization. It was here, in Afghanistan, where al Qaeda brought new recruits, trained them, and plotted acts of terror. It was here, from within these borders, that al Qaeda launched the attacks that killed nearly 3,000 innocent men, women and children.
And I'm the one that finished the job. And it was as easy for me as nonchalantly tossing a flower like I didn't give a ****.
And so, ten years ago, the United States and our allies went to war to make sure that al Qaeda could never again use this country to launch attacks against us.
And, 9.9 years ago, my party picked up the political football that I am now spiking in all your faces as a stark, unforgettable reminder of how amazing I am. Never forget.
Despite initial success, for a number of reasons, this war has taken longer than most anticipated.
"Mission Accomplished". Remember that one? Har har har. Pretty much single-handedly got me elected, that one did. Damn, George Bush was a jerk, wasn't he?
In 2002, bin Laden and his lieutenants escaped across the border and established safe-havens in Pakistan.
And then I got him. You can see it on my face when I say his name. That gleam in my eye? That's the spark of re-election and the smell of 20 years of Supreme Court rule. Lots more Wise Latinas for all you critical race crackers!!!!
America spent nearly eight years fighting a different war in Iraq.
The Bad War. The Bad, naughty war that didn't help anything. It was "different". Like that pale kid in school who always looked nauseous. Until I came along, got Bin Laden, and fixed everything. There's only one Hussein you need to ever think about, and that's me, baby.
And al Qaeda’s extremist allies within the Taliban have waged a brutal insurgency.
There are extremists within the Taliban. But let's not forget the rest of the Taliban, who have had their pure and good name sullied by a few lone extremists. Let's not jump to conclusions.
But over the last three years, the tide has turned. We broke the Taliban’s momentum.
This is where I talk about "we" before mentioning "I" again. But you and I know I really mean "I". I'm the guy that got Bin Laden and I'm the guy that's ending this war unlike the oil companies who sold our troops blood for their Rethuglican puppet masters. Or is it Rethuglicans who sold our troops blood for the oil companies. I always get that part mixed up.
We’ve built strong Afghan Security Forces. We devastated al Qaeda’s leadership, taking out over 20 of their top 30 leaders.
We, we, we. Do you know how hard I have to grit my teeth to even get that word out once, let alone ten times? I mean "we" is fine for rabble rousing some purple shirts or some community voting activists around the cemeteries, but this war is mine, baby. I wear Bin Laden's ear on a necklace so he never forgets what he did to America. To us. To we. And late at night, when I'm feeling extra patriotic, I speak into the ear and I tell him "three cheers for the red, white and blue, baby" and I never talk about how I actually demanded a civilian trial for the criminal mastermind behind 9/11.
Yeah, New York. It was going to be in New York.
And one year ago, from a base here in Afghanistan, our troops launched the operation that killed Osama bin Laden.
See? I said the troops did it. This has nothing to do with me. How dare you suggest I am claiming responsibility for what I just clearly said the troops did.
The goal that I set
Okay, shut up, now I'm claiming some responsibility.
– to defeat al Qaeda, and deny it a chance to rebuild – is within reach.
Remember, that's not a goal that "we" set. Not evil Bush or all the people that got slammed daily by an entire political party (mine), a relentlessly pessimistic and sensationalistic media, and a vocal anti-war community organizing onslaught. Or all the people who sacrificed limb and life who I didn't bother to visit when I campaigned in 2008... it's a goal that "I" set. I didn't take out Bin Laden personally. I just "set the goals". You see in the previous sentence I said it was "the troops"... step off with your US of KKK A oppressor logic.
Still, there will be difficult days ahead.
This sentence is so when **** goes down, you don't pull a "Mission Accomplished" on me. I'm no dummy.
The enormous sacrifices of our men and women are not over.
And they won't be over until November 6th. Just kidding, I'm not talking about the people at my campaign HQ! I mean the "troops".
{Alright seriously, enough about these other people. Man my jaw is really starting to ache now from all this "other people" stuff. I think I might be getting TMJ.}
But tonight, I’d like to tell you how we will complete our mission and end the war in Afghanistan.
I couldn't say "tonight we complete our mission and end the war". I said "tonight *I tell you* how we complete our mission and end the war" so you hear that it was "I" and "me" who is ending the war. In case you haven't put the pieces together. But later when **** goes bad, I really said that "we" are doing it.
First, we have begun a transition to Afghan responsibility for security.
See? "We" did that, because it isn't going to work. I told the speechwriters to take the "I" completely out of this paragraph, because this is where it gets hairy. I told them I wanted a campaign speech in prime time and then outta here and don't give me anything that's gonna come back on me. And then I scram. Those holes ain't gonna putt themselves.
Already, nearly half the Afghan people live in places where Afghan Security Forces are moving into the lead. This month, at a NATO Summit in Chicago, our coalition will set a goal for Afghan forces to be in the lead for combat operations across the country next year. International troops will continue to train, advise and assist the Afghans, and fight alongside them when needed. But we will shift into a support role as Afghans step forward.
See? No "I" here. Because it's a bag of ass and it isn't going to work and I told them leave "me" out of this one. When we get back to talking about Bin Laden or reminding people about the Bin Laden raid through association, or about being a better country and moving forward or some ****, then we can start talking about "me" again.
As we do, our troops will be coming home. Last year, we removed 10,000 U.S. troops from Afghanistan. Another 23,000 will leave by the end of the summer. After that, reductions will continue at a steady pace, with more of our troops coming home. And as our coalition agreed, by the end of 2014 the Afghans will be fully responsible for the security of their country.
Again, this is all "we". "He ended the war" will sound great on a commercial, but leave me out of the soundbites.
Second, we are training Afghan Security Forces to get the job done. Those forces have surged, and will peak at 352,000 this year. The Afghans will sustain that level for three years, and then reduce the size of their military. And in Chicago, we will endorse a proposal to support a strong and sustainable long-term Afghan force.
This is all still "we". "Strong and sustainable", just like Cambodia in '73, or an unwanted newborn in a hospital closet. Yes, I'm ending the war, but this other stuff is above my paygrade. I'm saying I have people that take care of this stuff. I mean "we" have people that take care of it. {wink}
Third, we are building an enduring partnership. The agreement we signed today sends a clear message to the Afghan people: as you stand up, you will not stand alone.
No. In fact, you stand with "us" still, Afghan people. Not "me". And you can take comfort in the fact that as you get slaughtered by the thousands, you probably won't die alone. You don't stand alone, and you will not die alone.
It establishes the basis of our cooperation over the next decade, including shared commitments to combat terrorism and strengthen democratic institutions.
Now it's not only "we", but it's shared cooperation with the foreigners. More people to blame later. Never forget that while credit is practically GPS located securely around whatever space "I" occupy, the network of potential blame extends well beyond Barack Obama.
It supports Afghan efforts to advance development and dignity for their people. And it includes Afghan commitments to transparency and accountability, and to protect the human rights of all Afghans – men and women, boys and girls.
Man, f*ck we. This **** is straight up "them" now. They're on their own with the impending sh*tstorm of violent totalitarian rule crossed with radical Islam. But if I mention "teachers" or "women" or something, you'll forget all the bad stuff by the time I tee off in the morning. Might even snag a few more "women" "teacher" voters, baby. It's win.
[..........a lot more stuff about "we" and "us" that the Repukelicans just ain't gonna ever get to attribute to Barack......]
[..........a lot more stuff about "we" and "us" that the Repukelicans just ain't gonna ever get to attribute to Barack......]
That is the light that guides us still. This time of war began in Afghanistan, and this is where it will end.
You might have thought, errantly, that "the time of war" began on a few planes out of Boston and Newark on a particularly sunny morning. You thought wrong. It began in Afghanistan, when evil Bush and his fellow Imperialist American Oil-Grabbing Theocrats started it. And I'm ending it. I also killed Bin Laden.
With faith in each other and our eyes fixed on the future
Forward.
let us finish the work at hand, and forge a just and lasting peace.
Forward.
May God bless our troops. And may God bless the United States of America.
They make me say this.
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