Green Dating Tips

Global Warming is a problem that we all face, but there are ways to be green without sacrificing love. Here are some tips to be more environmentally conscious in your romantic lives.

* For her: Men waste a lot of energy and release a lot of excess carbon trying to bed you. Always put out on the first date.

* For him: Voicemail is stored on computers which release nasty environmental polluting carbon into the atmosphere. If you call a woman you've been on a date with and she doesn't answer her phone, do not leave a voicemail. Try calling back over and over and letting it ring until she answers.

* For him: The factories that produce chocolate are bastions of industrial waste. Try bringing her some homegrown sprouts instead.

* For her: If he takes you out to a restaurant, do not order any food. Instead give him a speech about how mass produced food is merely a capitalist byproduct of the powerful military-industrial complex, which keeps all the sheep happy and timid in our defenseless little herd. He will admire you for your strong beliefs.

* For him: When we breathe, we let out lots of earth murdering carbon dioxide. If your date is telling you a story, try staring intently at her and holding your breath until you can't hold it anymore. Repeat until the story is finished. The carbon you save will be equivalent to that released by giving a small child a ride to school.

* For him: If you notice she is talking a lot, try putting your finger to her lips and gently whispering to her, "Shhhhh... the Earth needs less carbon dioxide."

* For her: Laughing releases ten times as much carbon as regular respiration. Do not laugh at his jokes or stories. Instead, write "That is a very funny story." on a Post-It and then stick it to his plate.

Remember, the environment is ours to share. Together, we CAN make a difference.

Tips on Greening Your Home

It's 2010 and lots of us have resolved to care more about the planet. But are we actually doing anything about it? Our resident Green Expert weighs in with some tips on greening your home in the new year and making the world a much better, healthier and cooler place for everybody else.

* Many appliances that are plugged in tend to suck up invisible electricity when you're not using them. Unplug your TV when you're not watching it. Also unplug the fridge whenever the door is closed.

* Studies have shown that the electricity we burn by using artificial light in a single year is more than all the other electricity we use combined. Take photographs around your house during the day so you know where everything is. Then when night falls, don't use any of your lights. Just navigate around with the photographs you took earlier.

* People release lots of extra carbon dioxide when they laugh. Instead of playing funny games with your children, read them a depressing story.

And here's some Greening tips from the editors of The Mega Independent, which they themselves sometimes follow:

* Forgot your keys upstairs in your bedroom? Instead of using that fancy elevator to get back up there, try taking the stairs.

* That daily commute to your private jet is a brutal on the environment. See if you can remember to carpool to the airfield at least once a week.

* It takes a very carbon intensive process to make that dish of Filet Mignon. Replace your Filet Mignon once every few months with a New York Strip or perhaps a Coq Au Vin or Cassoulet Duck Confit. If your dish includes a wine reduction, tell the chef to make sure the grapes are local. You can never be too green or sacrifice too much.

* Your servants waste a lot of carbon dioxide going back and forth from the dining room to their quarters. Have them stand right there while you eat your meal in case you need anything.

We hope these tips are useful to you in the new year. The environment is ours to share. Together, we CAN make a differerence.