DHP Releases New "Ultra Vigilant" Terror Guidelines

As the attempted Christmas attack on Flight 253 reminds us, terror is something that isn't going to magically go away. Terrorism is around us and it's here to stay. But there are patterns, and there is stuff we can do, and it involves being extra vigilant around certain kinds of people. It means looking for suspicious things and reporting them if necessary.

Because of this, the Department of Homeland Protection has released some new ultra vigilant guidelines. As this newspaper is interested in stopping terror at all costs, we have reprinted these mega-helpful guidelines below. Please observe them, and happy terrorist hunting!

DHP Anti-Terror Vigilance Guidelines
Things You Should Watch Out For
1. All terrorists have skin. Be on the lookout for people with skin. If you see someone with skin acting strange or carrying a big bag that seems suspicious, go ahead and feel free to report it. Your identity will be protected. Feel free to mention the skin, but DO NOT under any circumstances, describe the skin. "Skin" is good enough. We'll handle it from there.

2. The vast majority of terrorist faces have two eyes and a nose. Also a mouth, with lips, and a surrounding facial area that is capable of growing hair. We're not saying there is hair on the terrorist's face, or specifying what amount there might be, or how long it has been there, or even if it's ever been swept, just noting that the face does have the potential for hair. If you see a face that may or may not have hair, STAY ALERT.

3. Be extra cautious around people with nostrils. One thing that DHP has noticed with all attacks so far, is that nostrils have a very, very strong correlation with terror. There are generally two of them, and occasionally they have the capability of flaring slightly.

4. If you see or hear someone breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, at any particular rate of speed, keep an eye on them. Acute eyewitnesses from every terror scene report that each terrorist so far has taken part in a one to one exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide. If you suspect someone is participating in this so-called "respiration", there is potential that they are a terrorist. Do not approach someone that is respirating, except with extreme vigilance and caution. These people may be extremely dangerous.

5. Finally, if you are in a crowded space, such as a sporting event or airport terminal, and you see someone with a head, feel free to watch them and report them, especially if the head is attached to a neck of some kind.

The DHP takes reports of potential terror very seriously. Call in any reports you may have but do not be too descriptive. We're America. Let's show the entire world that we can handle terrorism without offending anybody.

Quiz: Are you Guilty of Profiling?

Racism, prejudice and profiling have no place in civilized society. Take this short quiz to determine if you are guilty of profiling.

1. A bank robber ends up in a chase and successfully evades seven cops, sometimes approaching speeds of up to 130 MPH, and making a clean getaway. Which vehicle do you think he most likely used?


2. You are out shopping and need to pick up some tools at a hardware store. Which of the following establishments would you choose to go in?


3. Which of these colors most looks like the color blue to you?


4. You are a security screener at a major complex. You receive reliable advance intelligence from your superiors that someone who looks like Oprah Winfrey is carrying a bomb. You only have time to screen one person. Which of the following people do you screen?


5. 2 + 2 =

ANSWER KEYI answered...

Mostly A: Congratulations. You are not guilty of profiling and can sleep peacefully at night knowing you are a fair and open minded individual who believes in social justice and universal compassion.

Mostly B: You aren't guilty of profiling, either. Nor are you responsible for the plight of the Indians, the Eskimos or any other oppressed peoples throughout the world.

Mostly C: You are a profiler and a black mark on society. Your bias and prejudice knows few limitations. Take a good look in the mirror sometime and marvel at the face of hate. Then die.