Mega Health Study: Tea is Actually Awful For You

In a breakthrough study out of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, scientists have been able to analyze tea on a micro molecular level. And for the first time, they have determined once and for all that tea is terrible for you.

"It's a disgusting drink," remarked one of the scientists, "Anyone who would even associate themselves with tea after this study is obviously just a pathetic loser with no life."

It's long been believed that the polyphenols that make up tea, acted as traditional antioxidants that cleansed the body of free radicals. But what scientists are discovering now is that tea may actually encourage the activity and behavior of free radicals.

Additionally, tea has long been packaged in breathable fiber "bags" to aid in the brewing process and make life easier for tea drinkers. But disturbing findings from the study indicate that no matter how long it is brewed, many of the good chemicals of tea remain trapped in the bag, while the bad chemicals are able to float free. Because of this, people need to be acutely aware of the horrendous dangers of teabagging.

If the results of this study are true, and the Mega Independent sees no reason why they would not be, then the consequences of exalting this once respected drink could be potentially devastating.

And the scientist added an important word to the wise. "Based on our findings, we believe that, henceforth, anybody caught celebrating tea or elevating it to any level of admiration or adoration should be fined, arrested and thrown in jail, no questions asked. This is people's basic health you are messing with. I don't know what kind of people would even do that at this point, but it would be exactly the same as killing someone yourself with a deadly weapon. Only this time, the weapon would be lies."

Continuing Tea Party Coverage

The weather has gotten much colder, and a photo of the 9/12/09 Teabag March on Washington has finally surfaced.

As you already know from what you've heard about the Tea Parties, a bunch of racists descended on our capital to make their voices heard in the name of white power, individual white freedom and the suppression of every other color's basic rights. And women. Their basic rights. I attended this party as an objective reporter and interviewed everybody there. And the adjective I definitely would most use to describe these so-called party goers is, "klanlike". The only thing missing was a giant sheet.

In the aerial panorama above, you can clearly see the extent of the protest from this stuck-in-the-1800's radical fringe minority. There wasn't really enough of them (I count eight) to generate any arrests or make any kind of actual difference to the legislative justice being dealt out compassionately by our fair and wise Congress, but as always, bringing you both sides of the story equally is what matters.

We strive for accuracy here at The Independent. If you can see more than eight people in this photograph (say, for example, nine), please write to us and we will correct this factual error.