Scientists: Alarming Rise in Global "Feels Like" Temperature

While there is now considerable debate about whether there has been an actual rise in global temperatures over the last 20 years, scientists have noted one thing that cannot be debated. It "feels like" it's getting warmer.

Earth climatologists tell us there are two temperatures... the temperature it is and the temperature it feels like. In the winter, this is often known as the "wind chill factor" and in summer it is called the "heat index".

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have gone back through time to study these factors and indexes and have discovered an alarming trend. Despite data showing that the real global temperature has not really increased at all, and may in fact have decreased slightly over the years, it definitely "feels" warmer.

"If it continues to keep feeling warmer and warmer like this," remarked Candy, a world renowned climate scientist, "one day we will all feel so warm that it could totally feel like we're melting and stuff".

If this trend continues, we could wake up one morning and "feel like" the oceans are rising and flooding our coastal cities. We could "feel like" important crops are not getting enough water, which would make it "feel like" there is a sudden food shortage. We might even "feel like" there is a dangerous increase in violent storms and hurricanes, generating panic and fear everywhere and creating a climate that "feels like" worldwide hysteria.

There is yet to be an explanation for this phenomenon, but experts are surmising that it is due to man's impact on the environment. "We're not supposed to be here," said Mohammed Al-Zebuya, an expert on global climate change. "I think the planet doesn't like us and making the temperature feel hotter is her way of saying, 'go, go, get out of here, you people are no good'."

Environmentalists refer to this as the Stop and Go theory of human impact. The Stop and Go theory says that man needs to "Stop" everything we are doing right now, and then "Go", as in "go away" so the Earth can heal with the animals. So regardless of what you hear from Republican deniers, Global Feels Like Warming is a real problem, with what will "feel like" real catastrophic consequences.

The global scientific consensus is that it's time for Democrats to raise taxes on energy. They need to pass Cap and Trade, the gigantic earth-saving energy tax, to stop this trend, before we all "feel like" we're going to die.

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Scientists: 2010 Already The Warmest Year on Record

Renowned climate scientists are warning that 2010 is already the warmest year on record.

"The data is terrifying," remarked one scientist who wished to remain anonymous. "If things continue this way, there will be no turning back from it. Ever."

The brutal winter that has hit much of the northern hemisphere has allowed low-knowledge skeptics to distort all of the facts. "The fact is we have weather stations, and these weather stations are reporting to our computers that this is the warmest year on record," continued the scientist. "Only an idiot would bother to disagree with a computer."

But computers get things wrong all the time, right? Wrong. A good computer can make over sixty trillion calculations in one second. We asked a global warming skeptic how many calculations he could make in a second, and he admitted that it was "probably one or two". Sixty trillion vs. two. You do the math.

But a weather station can be wrong, too, right? Wrong. Weather stations are just little computers that measure things. We asked the very same skeptic what the temperature was outside and, embarrassingly, he was off by three degrees. But a weather station can measure current temperature with accuracy to the third decimal point. Advantage, weather station.

So who are you going to believe? A scientist with a computer or some teabagging skeptic?

The science is clear. 2010 is the warmest year in the history of the planet. And even if it isn't, the ice caps are melting like crazy. And even if they're not, Greenland will be gone by the end of 2014. And even if it won't, the sea level is rising at a faster rate than ever. And even if it's not, the oceans' temperatures are warmer than ever before. And even if they're not, the carbon we are pumping into the atmosphere with our policies of greed is going to put the Earth at a dangerous "tipping point" from which there will be absolutely no return.

And even if it's not, some scientists tell us that the right mixture of greenhouse gases could potentially cause the sun to heat the Earth's crust much like a giant microwave, burning all of us slowly to a dried up crisp, like some medieval torture at Guantanamo Bay.

The data is in. 2010 is either the warmest year on record, or you enjoy the idea of everybody being microwaved to death.

Global Warming Causing Record Snowmelt

An incredible amount of snowmelt across the continental U.S. this winter is being blamed on rising global temperatures.

In the past two months, the country has been slammed with brutal dripping, flooding and icicling, and scientists are pinning it directly on excess carbon output. As one climatologist from UC Berkeley explains, "Instead of sitting on the ground like normal snow, this snow is being bombarded sometimes with above freezing temperatures, causing record havoc".

In a perfect world, snow will sit on the ground for days and days, slowly sublimating into the atmosphere as harmless water vapor. But increased temperatures are being blamed for causing much of this winter's snow to bypass the sublimation process, and turn into deadly liquid snow.

"Unlike regular snow, liquid snow doesn't stay in one place," explains Vishnu Mrkaman, a climate scientist from Great Britain, "it can move around and cause great amounts of unpredictable damage. In a winter such as this one, which has the potential for lots and lots of liquid ground snow, Global Warming is an even bigger danger than ever."

Until we do something to stop the bleeding economically, snowmelt is just one more Climate Change force we all must reckon with.

Global Warming Study Causes Global Warming

A Global Warming study out of Columbia University has determined that it is causing Global Warming.

The five plus year study, which began in 2004, has involved no people and hasn't done anything, but given the steady incline in worldwide temperatures, scientists have concluded that the study is in fact contributing to Global Warming.

Plans to continue the study are under review, but there are fears that the reviewing of those plans is also causing Global Warming. An alternative proposition to discontinue the study has been considered, but scientists fear that any interruption to the study will lead to a further increase in global temperatures.


Dr. Jezev Venonja, a Doctor of Climatology at the Independent Earth Temperature Increase Institute, says that this effect, which he calls "study paralysis", is also believed to contribute heavily to warming, and says that a decision should be made quickly. "But not too quickly," he added with a smile, "as that will also cause some warming."