Sarah Palin's Latest Stupidity: She Thinks Earth is a Plant

In a twitter message to her legion of followers the other day, Sarah Palin referred to our home, Earth, as a "plant".

"Can you believe she actually thinks Earth is a plant?", asked one anonymous Democrat Strategist. "If so, then where's all the chlorophyll, genius?!"

"Yeah," asked another, "What kind is it? Let me guess! A rhododendron!"

And here all along, we at The Mega Independent thought Earth was actually a planet, hurtling through space and orbiting the sun for billions and billions of years. Thank goodness Sarah Palin was there to correct us and remind us that we're all just living on a big leafy thing sitting in a pot somewhere.

She later corrected her tweet, claiming that it was a simple typo that anyone could make, but we know the real truth. She doesn't know the difference between planets and plants.

"What happened", asked one longtime Republican campaign manager who asked that he not be named, "Does she think that someone picked us up in the garden section at Home Depot? What an idiot!"

"Yeah," said another, "That must be some big plant! A big round plant!"

One of the main criticisms of Palin since bursting on the political scene is that she lacks the gravitas of basic scientific knowledge that everyone else has. The fact that she thinks Earth is a plant is not going to help her in this regard.

What's next, Sarah? Jupiter is a tree?

Breaking: Sarah Palin Mega Scandal!

Sarah Palin gave a speech to the tea party convention in Nashville last night. But special cameras reveal that all is not what it seemed.

Ms. Palin stood in front of a podium, with a slanted surface and a small lip, and on this lip was a collection of hand written note cards. And attached to the podium was a double microphone, used to elevate and project her voice through artificial speakers that were strategically placed around the large room to fool attendees into believing she speaks much louder than she really can.

"Great orators do not hide behind podiums and microphones", said one Democratic strategist. "George Washington did not need a podium to cross the Delaware, Abraham Lincoln did not free the slaves with a microphone, and Martin Luther King's famous speech was called 'I Have a Dream', not 'I Have Some Little Note Cards'".

At many points through the evening, Palin showed herself to be far out of her element, shuffling her cards one after the other after the other like a smarmy Vegas blackjack dealer. When poor Sarah was finished with each card, she would flip it over upside down as if to brag to everybody that she didn't really need it after all.

But the cameras tell the tale. As each new card was revealed, Palin's eyes would glance down at them, as if she was using them to recall various "points" while she spoke, like a nervous fifth grader giving her first ever public speech to her little public friends.

Palin was asked about running for president last night, and she did not rule it out. But someone should notify her that she will not be able to drag her giant wooden podium along with her when she meets with foreign heads of state. And that when she's at an important dinner gathering, she may have to actually project her voice to people without the supersonic technological assistance of a hidden double microphone.

Sarah may have captivated the teabaggers last night with her endless stream of assisted words, but the truth is quite clear... no matter how much she "mugs" for the camera, or how many cards she "leaves" behind, speaking off the cuff without help is quite obviously not her "cup of tea".

TMI Exclusive: The Sarah Palin Interview

Sarah Palin took a break from her whirlwind book tour to sit down and talk to The Mega Independent about her life, her loves, and what it's like to have a runaway bestselling book.

The Mega Independent: Mrs. Palin, thank you for sitting down with us.
Sarah Palin: Thank you for having me.
TMI: A train with Vladimir Putin on it is travelling east at 174 MPH. Another train is travelling southwest at 160 MPH. Putin's train left at 6:05 PM. The other train left at 7:30 PM. They started 752 miles apart. At what time will they meet?
SP: Uh... I dunno. Around 9:00?
TMI: Idiot! Everyone knows Putin doesn't ride the train.
SP: Oh.
TMI: Let's try something easier. What is the square root of 6,500,422?
SP: Hang on a second. Give me a minute here.
TMI: Take your time.
SP: Ummmm... one minute... ummmmmm...
TMI: Take all the time you need.
SP: 2549.592516462185?
TMI: HAHAHA DUMMY! It's 2549.592516462189. This is really the kind of basic thing anyone considering running for public office should know.
SP: Sorry.
TMI: That's okay. Ok, right. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M?
TMI: Wrong! I-T. I. T. We asked how you spell "it". Listening carefully to questions is a very important quality in a leader. You should really open your ears.
SP: Yeah, that's a really good point. I'll try and do better next time.
TMI: Ok. Here's an easy one. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
SP: Ummmm...
TMI: Not gonna answer this one, huh?
SP: No, it's just that...
TMI: Just that what? You don't want to tell us?
SP: No, I mean...
TMI: You mean what? Just answer the question.
SP: No, I mean, it's kind of a rhetorical question that people meditate on.
TMI: Why are you dodging the issue?
SP: I'm not. There's really no answer to it. That's the whole point.
TMI: No answer, huh? No answer. Well, I'm sure "no answer" is exactly what some big foreign leader is going to want to hear when he calls you at 3 AM. You make me sick.
SP: I didn't mean to.
TMI: The third law of thermodynamics states that if all the thermal motion of molecules - kinetic energy - could be removed, a state called absolute zero would occur. Absolute zero results in a temperature of 0 Kelvins or -273.15° Celsius. The Universe will attain absolute zero when all energy and matter is randomly distributed across space. The current temperature of empty space in the Universe is about 2.7 Kelvins. Approximately when can we expect this to happen?
SP: You got me on this one. I really don't know.
TMI: LOL! It's just theory! Moron! In saying you don't know, you have revealed yourself to be a denier of thermodynamics, the basic laws of the universal construct, otherwise known as "reality". What's next? You "don't know" about gravity? Denier!
SP: No... I was just...
TMI: Okay. Let's try something a little more simple for you. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: Uhhhh, I-T?
TMI: You schmuck! You think the longest word in the English language is just two letters long? And you think you could someday be President of the United States? How did you manage to write an entire book with words that were only one and two letters long? Was it in some other language? Huh? Stupid?
SP: It's just one of those things, I guess.
TMI: Ok. The final question of this interview tests your reflexes. Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: What?
TMI: Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: I'm not following you.
TMI: When you can take the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to be President.
SP: I can't. You're way too fast.
TMI: Well, there you go. Thanks for sitting down with us.

Mega Indy-vestigation: Is Sarah Palin a Vampire?

One question that has plagued independents since last year is the question of whether Sarah Palin is a vampire. We have sent several investigators to Alaska to tackle both sides of the issue. On one side, there is the possibility that Palin is a vampire from the deepest nether regions of hell. On the opposite side, there is the possibility that Palin is a vampire from the deepest bowels of hell.

"Let's say she isn't a vampire," remarked one anonymous Democratic strategist we talked to in Alaska, "did anyone from the McCain campaign bother to check if she was a vampire? We're talking one heartbeat away here. Where was the vetting? No wonder they lost."

Several people in Alaska feigned complete ignorance when confronted about the Palin Vampire Issue. "What are you talking about?", asked a person we encountered on the street who was an obvious friend of the Palins.

Despite our best efforts, we were unable to uncover any definitive proof that Palin is not a vampire or that hubby Todd was not ever a member of a secret Alaska Vampire Party. When our investigators asked some people where Palin was, they would not tell us or claimed they didn't know, suggesting that she could in fact be out feasting on the blood of the living for her immortal subsistence.

It's unfortunate that Mrs. Palin's perfidiousness knows no bounds, but you know what they say about vampires. You just can't trust them.

The Independent Investigates: Rooting Through Sarah Palin's Garbage - Day 23

Everybody has some garbage occasionally. But nobody does garbage quite like the Palins. Their cans are absolutely full of it. Just bags and bags and bags of unwanted smelly remains. We're talking about stuff a normal person would hardly want to touch, let alone eat.

This is the third week of our Mega Working For You Investigation, and it's the third week that the Palins rolled their stench-filled waste out into the street to be picked up by some government worker.

That's right... Miss I'm Against Socialism doesn't mind the government going around and collecting her fetid waste and other assorted junk discarded by her family. Maybe when she gets finished flying around the country on her "bus" tour, she could direct us to the line in the Constitution about dumping her filthy leftovers into a giant automatic truck?