Saturday, January 29, 2011

President Obama Orders Own Speeches Sent Into Turmoil-Stricken Egypt

In a bold move of solidarity with the citizens of Egypt, and also the rule of law, this morning President Obama took action and ordered hundreds of thousands of copies of his own speeches into the distressed nation, effective immediately.

"There exists a wall of separation between the people of Egypt, and my speeches," Obama said in prepared remarks earlier today. "That wall of division is too much for any people to handle with pastoral serenity, and thus there is now uprising. Mr. Mubarak... Mr. Mubarak... Mr. Mubarak... tear down this wall."

The speech collection includes many of his most unprecedented works, including the Speech on Race, the Speech to the Muslim World, and the Speech to Convince Everybody That Healthcare is Good. These works of incredible austerity and solid human emotion have the ability to stop oceans from rising, and to make a lonely planet heal. A few minor protests here and there will simply be no match for those dulcet tones.

"This is about human rights," Obama continued, "we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, listening to my speeches, and the pursuit of happiness. This country was founded on an idea. The idea that a simple man like myself, born to an immigrant father and a single impoverished mother, could one day be sitting right here as the most powerful man in the world, and talking to you. But it's not just about me. It's about you. And me."

President Obama has not given any indication what the next steps are beyond everyone in Egypt listening to his speeches, but we at The Mega Independent are sure that whatever it is will be well deliberated.

Veering off the script of his prepared remarks, Obama momentarily opened up and spoke from the heart. "To the people of Egypt, let me tell you what I was thinking about this morning. I have thought long and hard about your struggle over the last 24 hours, and there's something I've come to realize. You see, the world, well, it's like a giant golf course. And Egypt, is just one big sandtrap. And sandtraps, though not inherently good, do serve a purpose during a 9 or 18 hole round."

Immediately, his handlers jumped in and tried to stop him from saying any more, but he held his hand up, closed his eyes, and insisted on continuing.

"Egypt, much like a sandtrap, is like a challenge to everyone. An obstacle. And right now the Ball of Bedlam is stuck there, and it's going to take a steady hand and a keen eye to get us all out onto the Green of Gratification. And though in the end, we may be a few Strokes of Struggle over par, the important thing is we all learned something."

At that moment, it was announced over the loudspeaker that the speech was over and everyone should leave the room immediately, but Obama persevered at the microphone and drew out his thoughts some more to a stunned and transfixed audience. His handlers then yelled "Fire!!! Fire!! There is a FIRE!!!!!" and yet everyone sat in rapt attention, as the President hung in.

"No, no, I've got this one. You see, in order to be better at WorldGolf, we must try our hardest to keep it on the Fairway of Frankness. And if that doesn't work, we must then be conscious of where the Winds of Wishes are blowing, and then the Sand Wedge of Social Justice will carry us all right through the Putt of Progress and into the Hole of Happiness. Thank you."

No, President Obama. Thank you. For that amazing metaphor. Maybe you should send them that speech, too.

1 comment:

  1. A million protesters stand in transfixed silence as Obama's inspirational words are broadcast throughout Cairo. Then, like the tinkling of a bell in the first sweet breeze of spring, the voice of one lone Egyptian can be heard: "What is this 'golf'?"


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