Scientists: Alarming Rise in Global "Feels Like" Temperature

While there is now considerable debate about whether there has been an actual rise in global temperatures over the last 20 years, scientists have noted one thing that cannot be debated. It "feels like" it's getting warmer.

Earth climatologists tell us there are two temperatures... the temperature it is and the temperature it feels like. In the winter, this is often known as the "wind chill factor" and in summer it is called the "heat index".

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have gone back through time to study these factors and indexes and have discovered an alarming trend. Despite data showing that the real global temperature has not really increased at all, and may in fact have decreased slightly over the years, it definitely "feels" warmer.

"If it continues to keep feeling warmer and warmer like this," remarked Candy, a world renowned climate scientist, "one day we will all feel so warm that it could totally feel like we're melting and stuff".

If this trend continues, we could wake up one morning and "feel like" the oceans are rising and flooding our coastal cities. We could "feel like" important crops are not getting enough water, which would make it "feel like" there is a sudden food shortage. We might even "feel like" there is a dangerous increase in violent storms and hurricanes, generating panic and fear everywhere and creating a climate that "feels like" worldwide hysteria.

There is yet to be an explanation for this phenomenon, but experts are surmising that it is due to man's impact on the environment. "We're not supposed to be here," said Mohammed Al-Zebuya, an expert on global climate change. "I think the planet doesn't like us and making the temperature feel hotter is her way of saying, 'go, go, get out of here, you people are no good'."

Environmentalists refer to this as the Stop and Go theory of human impact. The Stop and Go theory says that man needs to "Stop" everything we are doing right now, and then "Go", as in "go away" so the Earth can heal with the animals. So regardless of what you hear from Republican deniers, Global Feels Like Warming is a real problem, with what will "feel like" real catastrophic consequences.

The global scientific consensus is that it's time for Democrats to raise taxes on energy. They need to pass Cap and Trade, the gigantic earth-saving energy tax, to stop this trend, before we all "feel like" we're going to die.

Cap and Trade Explained

Global Warming will kill you. Then Global Warming will kill your children. Then Global Warming will kill your children's children and all of their friends. Then you will die. Unless we do something about it now. And even if the world isn't warming at all and it's all fake and none of this is true, isn't it better that we do something instead of nothing?

As you may or may not know, "Cap and Trade" is the anti-global-warming energy bill currently up for consideration in the Senate. Now "Cap and Trade" is actually a very misleading name which doesn't help explain what it really is. A more appropriate name would be "Cap and Yayyyy!!!!". No, the "cap" part doesn't refer to "capitalism", but rather a limit on what evil profiteers can do with the energy they expend in the name of so-called business.

This program forces greedy billionaire CEO's to either stop doing what they're doing, or pay more money to the government. Either way, it's an obvious win for the betterment of society as a whole. This is the Michael Jordan slam dunk of bills that will make America awesome.

Remember, the only people that don't believe in Global Climate Change are paid corporate shills for Big Oil and Big Energy. And these anti-children Republican scare-monger obstructionists in the Senate keep threatening to put this bill to sleep, so that's why it's very important that you call your Senator and let him or her know that you are pro-children and not anti-future. Tell them to pass Cap and Yay today. If it's a Republican, ask why they are hurting the children and see what they say to that.