Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hunger Strike Day 1 - Update

The last presidential election was supposed to usher in an unprecedented era of hope... and change.

But while some things are clearly a lot better now, such as healthcare, race relations and the economy, many are worse. We are still fighting two wars we have no business being in. A certain Republican owned cable channel is still allowed to spread filthy lies and propaganda disguised as "news". And man is still busy polluting the planet with his carbon as we write this. And there are some elections coming up that are going to institute real change (back to the old ways of doing things) if we are not careful.

Thus, certain key TMI staff have come on board with this important hunger initiative in an effort to finally make some people in Washington listen up and begin instituting change on a much grander scale before it's too late.

So, yes, we're hungry, Mr. Obama. We're hungry for reform. And having considered all options, we don't think there's any better way to wake up Congress and the White House than to starve ourselves until we get what we want.

So, Washington... let us tell you what we had for dinner last night. Well, we had a small amount of food because the strike hadn't started yet. But let us tell you what we had for a midnight snack. Nothing. And what did we have when we woke up early this morning feeling more than a little peckish?


In fact, when we arrived at work, we strolled right by the Mega Independent breakfast buffet. Yes, there was a table graced with delectable pancakes and sweet Vermont maple syrup... strawberries and whipped cream... english muffins... sausages... bagels... cream cheese... eggs three ways... and guess how much of it we partook in, Mr. President. Guess how much.

We'll give you a hint: None. So what do you think about that, then?

Like many of our fellow citizens, we watched the President's Address to the Nation last week on TV. It was an amazing speech, filled with uplifting oratory that made our hearts sing with ultrafantastic joy. It was beautiful.

But sometimes, oratory isn't enough and action is needed.

As has long been the case, Republicans have far too much of a voice in our system of government. They have failed us, with thirty years of bankrupt policies that broke our system. And thirty years of broken policies that bankrupted our system. For that, the filibuster must be suspended through the end of the year, so that Congress can pass The Legislation We Need before the Elections By People That Don't Know Anything take effect.

When we get Cap and Trade, Mr. President, we might have a cracker. When we get unconditional Amnesty for all illegals, we might have a piece of fruit. When we get a withdrawal of all troops from all middle eastern countries, without preconditions, we might have a few beans. And when we get a ban on ALL unnecessary energy use, including the implementation of direct government control of all home and business thermostats, light switches and electrical outlets, effective immediately, we might have some pasta with some kind of light primavera mixture.

All we are asking for after that is a bill that guarantees fair wages, housing, insurance and education for all people all the time, regardless of circumstances or anything else. Not just for citizens of the United States, but citizens of the world. As you so eloquently pointed out during your historic campaign, we are all in this together. If you do that, we might have a tofu night.

We also need a bill that, as Mrs. Kathleen Sebelius, the head of your Health and Human Services department said, gives the people a "re-education" on healthcare reform. It's time for that. Come on. Less talky and more setting up of camps. Chop chop. Then maybe we can have some fried rice.

Finally, we only ask for an official restriction on any speech, written, spoken, or transmitted electronically, that impedes any of these aforementioned tasks, an offense with a minimum five year prison sentence, and a maximum punishment of death. Too many things have gotten in the way of change for far too long, Mr. President. It is a capital offense against good opinion to stop this kind of progress. Anyone with sense will agree. Especially after you pass that law. Then, and only then, will we have chili.

But until the above initiatives are ushered in through your electorate-granted fiat, Congress, and until the initiatives are signed by your election-mandated pen, Mr. President, you can expect us here at TMI to go to bed without dinner.

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