Sunday, September 5, 2010

TMI Video Game Reviews

Video games are pretty hot right now and TMI has the latest unbiased, independent word on what games to get and what games to avoid like the plague!

Proletariat Soldier of Fortune
In this first person shooter, you are Mack, a blue collar drone, armed only with a heart of gold, and a penchant for dishing out social justice one bourgeois body at a time. Although Mack's journey is linear and predictable, his ascent from unthinking robot, flattened under the jackboot of exploitative capitalism, to heavily loaded revolutionary fighter for the cause of the common good, is as satisfying as it is beautiful.

Packed with pulsating sequences of collective liberation, the climactic firefight against the evil CEO inside the First Class airplane lounge must be experienced to be believed, and makes this game a surefire classic. We don't want to spoil the ending, but stepping on the CEO's fingers as he hangs onto the wing of the plane for dear life, only to see him drop 20,000 feet toward the Himalayas, brought tears of joy to our eyes, and our closed fists of solidarity high into the air. We would give this game seven or eight stars if we could. It's the TMI Game of the Month, and a contender for Game of the Year.

Eco Warrior 3: The Ends Justify The Means
Hotter than 50 years of global warming and selling even faster than a factory can belch out a hurricane, this realtime strategy game takes "going green" to a whole new level of ultracool! You... are the Envirofreedom Coalition, and your job is to be as green as absolutely possible. For everything you recycle, for every light you find and turn off (this gets harder throughout the game as you turn off more and more lights), and for every fellow non-player character you convert to the environmental cause, you gain Earthfriend Points (EPs).

Collect enough EP's and your group can then use them to manufacture weapons of mass alteration, which you then strategically place to get Mother Earth out of the grip of consumption and greed, and returned to her rightful non-human owners. A well thought out fantasy, and a must-play for humans all ages.

Rules Committee: Tuesday Night Smackdown
This sports/puzzle game features all the heart-pumping qualities of fierce competition without the interference of silly concepts like "winning" and "losing". You play the head of the Rules Committee, and therefore your sole job (as Alcee Hastings (D) so eloquently put it) is to "make up the rules as you go along". What a wonderful way to teach children that there is no real right or wrong in the world, just different ways of looking at things, all of which deserve our respect and admiration. Also, let nothing like "rules" ever hold you back from achieving your dreams.

Captain Liberty, Jihadi Bagger Extraordinaire
Captain Liberty is a game filled to the brim with obvious right-wing political bias (we at TMI find putting politics into games to be totally contemptible, and the true last refuge of a scoundrel). In it, you're an American soldier fighting a Taliban-like regime somewhere in the Middle East. Your job is to kill "terrorists" in the name of "freedom" because they look different than you and have explosives. But the game ends before we get to see the real terrorism - the ruthless exploitation of the civilian masses and their oil fields. Yes, you heard that right. When all the "terrorists" are dead, the cities are declared "safe" for "liberty", people all over the country mindlessly cheer their new oppressors, and the credits roll. Lame.

USA Defender II: Home of the Brave
You are Jack Strong. You return from a weeklong business trip to find your entire family dead, apparently blown up by a radical group of foreign terrorists. It's now up to you to find the people behind the attack, and kill everyone along the way in this side-scrolling action shooter. More blatant right-wing bias and hypocrisy abounds, as your sole job is to kill a raft of ultra-religious foreigners who happen to be armed to the hilt. No negotiations. No sitting down at a table and talking things out like regular people. Just pure thuggery and intimidation of hapless victims by you, the player.

Throughout the game, you have no real proof that the "terrorists" who are constantly running towards you and shrieking in an ancient language intend to actually use the "weapons" they are pointing at you, or for that matter, the bombs they have strapped to themselves. Rewarding the player for shooting the bomb-holders before they even get to make the choice to blow anything up sets a very dangerous, almost fascistic tone. This presumed guilt is at best, an irresponsible lesson in bigoted racial profiling, and at worst, a hate crime of the highest degree.

Also, ditch the American flag on the cover. USA, USA, USA, yeah yeah, we get it already. Five stars for the hypocrisy. No stars for the game.

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