Executive Order of DREAM Act Gives Obama Cover of Newsweek Again

Follow The Mega Independent on Twitter.

President Obama Declares Title Change

President Obama weighed in on Monday on the Supreme Court's deliberations of ObamaCare, saying it would be "unprecedented" for the "unelected" Supreme Court to overturn a law passed by a duly elected Congress.

Later on in the day, he released another statement. "If they're going to be called the Supreme Court, then I should be called the Supreme President. Just like they are the highest court in the land, so I am the highest executive in the land. Calling me just 'President' could be misleading to Americans in desperate need of healthcare and jobs, and make them think that the Supreme Court somehow has more power than the President."

"Therefore, in the interest of fairness," he continued, "I declare my new title 'Supreme President Barack Obama'. But the Barack Obama doesn't have to be part of the title. That's just my name when the mics are on. Take it to Vladimir. High five!"

His statement concluded, "The Founders of this country had some good ideas, but they clearly did not weigh our branches of government equally, giving the impression that the Supreme Court might have the final say in interpreting certain things, which we all know is bogus and unprecedented. Let me be clear, I hope this makes everything about our government more clear. Thank you and goodnight. SPOTUS Bless America."

Special Advertising Section: The Coming Memoir

Finally Something That Isn't Bush's Fault

Isn't it refreshing. After 26 months in office, finally something has happened that is not the fault of George W. Bush, the presidential predecessor who nearly wrecked the entire world and couldn't get Bin Laden.

The assassination of Osama Bin Laden is so precisely of Barack Obama's doing that to argue otherwise would be positively insane. You know, sort of like asking to see Obama's birth certificate. Har har har. Stupid tea partiers. This is how a real president conducts a war. The Republicans, were they not so closed-minded, could start learning some valuable lessons here.

Now, thankfully, we can get back to the tanking economy, streaking unemployment, and untenable food and gas prices which all still have absolutely nothing to do with Obama or the Democrats. Yes We Did!!!

Obama Apologizes to Libya For Missile Strikes

Sunday, as the bombs rained down on specific targets inside Libya, President Obama was busy preparing a historic unprecedented speech, in which he would apologize for America's atrocities at the same exact time it was committing them.

Last evening, Obama gave that speech.

"In America, there’s a failure to appreciate the wonderfulness of the arab world, and all that the Muslims have contributed to modern society", he said. "The arrogance with which we hold our heads up as the universe's policemen hurts me, almost as much as it hinders world progress. In short, we are sorry for all this bombing that I have unilaterally ordered."

A little later on, he continued, "In a world that is as complex as it is, it is very important for us to be able to forge partnerships as opposed to simply dictating solutions. Therefore, from the bottom of my aching heart, I apologize for all these missiles.”

"It's true that our government has made decisions based on fear rather than foresight, that all too often we trimmed facts and evidence to fit ideological predispositions, and then started dropping bombs on you. If the people of Libya listen carefully, you should be able to hear these words. 'Bang. I'm sorry. Bang. I'm sorry. Bang. I'm sorry.'"

Finally, he concluded with the following stirring words, "It is not and will never be America's place to be the moral rulers of mankind, as we too have made mistakes of our own, including those this very week in your nation. On behalf of America and its wide array of historical moral failings, including but not limited to, slavery, segregation and Islamophobia, I am sorry. I am sorry for what we've been, I'm sorry for what we are and I am sorry for what we have become. I'm also sorry once again for the missiles."

The New Democrat Logo Has Given Me Sexual Liberation

An Opinion Column by Pauline Chandler

Last month, while I was hiking in the Adirondacks, I came across an injured bear. He was large, with big snarling teeth and claws that could more than likely shred me limb from limb. But while I was face to face with him and his irretrievably crippled leg, I simply laughed. That bear could no more harm me than I could harm a mountain.

Why? Because I have a brain that thinks. He is merely an animal. Where he has instinct to protect his little bear family and make his little bear leg work again, I have thougtful reason and cunning. Where he submits to volatile fire-breathing anger and backwards, cave-dwelling fear, I have informed consent over my emotions. I am superior to him just as I am superior to most of you.

Anger is a potent weapon, and fear is a crusted old motivator, as aged and refined as the wine in my 54 degree chilling cellar. And fear, like wine, tastes lovely in one's political adversaries. But that is only when there's not an election coming up where those in fear get to speak their seldom used minds.

Vote-casting by the unwashed masses is a relic of the 18th century, when that folly-laden gaggle of inbreds entrusted themselves with creating the world's most universally hated country, of which I am alternately very proud and not proud at all to be a part.

Proud on a night when we elected the endearing orator, the ocean-healer and healthcare-saver, Mr. President Barack Obama. And not proud at all in a few short weeks when the so-called "electorate" will put its panic-stricken ursine qualities to paper, and alter the course of human progress, setting all of his hard work back perhaps centuries.

That is why, last Monday, when I got a behind-the-scenes sneak preview of the new logo the Democrats have unveiled - a block letter D inside a circle, sublime in its simplicity, parboiled in its pluperfection - I began to feel things I have rarely felt before. What's more, something deep inside was telling me to act on those feelings. Since then, I have celebrated with not one or two, but with seven different men, one for each night that has passed since the Logo was revealed to me. I am a woman. Not whorish or slutty, but empowered.

When I see the blue D, I am at once entranced and transfixed, taken to a higher level of sexual consciousness. It's the 60's once again and I am tripping on acid and rolling in the mud somewhere in New York while a war that nobody wants rages in a country far, far away. I am liberated.

You see, while the vast declassed fixate blindly on the Logo's masterful design, their social betters are gathered in Washington, constructing pages upon pages of new progressive law. This law will be passed, one way or another, while the sheep sleep in the Logo's perfect light blue hypnosis, to take us all to a place of social justice and transformation, of fairness and true equality. That is what I see when I see the Logo, and it excites me in very special ways.

There was a lady yesterday, at a televised town hall meeting, and she asked the President why he has not done enough to make her life easier. She is struggling mightily, you see, even though she voted for him. She claims, quizzically, that her family is living on mere hot dogs and beans. She does not understand why things are not better for her yet.

Well, when you voted for President Obama, Missy, his promise was not to accompany your "franks and beans" with spoonfuls of dijon mustard, but rather to make things fairer for everyone the world over. That is why it is not up to Obama to "feel" your pain, but rather to "create" a little bit more of it. When you fracture a bone, as the failed policies of the last eight years fractured this country, often times the only fix is for the good doctor to break the bone all the way through, before the healing can truly begin.

So right now, it is Dr. Obama's job to break the bear's bones, to immobilize it in a cast of 100% political silence, while he and the rest of the elected superiors set about fixing things the right way. It is time, and not too late I might add, for our elections to cease, and the world to thoroughly transform. Only then, when the system has been reconstructed, can the cast truly come off. Any sooner and the pain will surely be excruciating. That is by design, I assure you. And with this, I am drenched in anticipation for the future of this country.

So, Miss Obama Supporter, when you emerge from your voiceless hole which you yourself clearly admit that you willingly and smartly voted into power, if you don't recognize the world you are in anymore, do not get angry like some pugnacious, degenerate bear fearfully defending its young and trying to fix its still mangled leg.

Do not swipe at the air with your clipped claws, because that sort of behavior is not becoming of a lady. Rather, be like me. Sit back in your study, use your brain a little bit more, and then have some wine. I recommend a 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild. I picked one up at Sotheby's yesterday and it was delicious.

Pauline Chandler is an independent Nobel Laureate who writes for The Mega Independent.

TMI Poll: Among Independents, Obama Approval Through the Roof

With disasters like the Republican oil spill, the Republican wars, and the Republican Global Warming looming over his presidency, President Obama has been on some shaky ground lately. But like a political LeBron James, he is "rebounding" just in time for the mid-term election season. We polled 5,000 Independent readers to gauge their observations on the President halfway through his first term. Thank you for voting!

Healthcare Summit a Mixed Bag

President Obama tried one final time to get Republicans to understand why they are so wrong about everything, but once again, they just would not listen.

The summit ended up being a mixed bag of results, as Democrats performed like gold medal Olympic stars, while Republicans stumbled and bumbled like infant monkeys on broken roller blades.

The Democrats today made sense, spoke with empathy as they read heartwarming letters, and had a pitch perfect day of incredible amazingness. On the other hand, Republicans tried to obscure and cloud the emotional summit with tedious facts and yawn-inducing figures.

The Republicans even wheeled the gigantic 3,000 page bill into the room as a cheap political stunt. Why should they even have the bill in the summit room? It's not like anybody's ever going to read it.

Face it, Republicans. America is fed up with political gamesmanship. They have proven over and over again that they just want something, anything to get done, no matter what damage it does to the country in the long run. This bill needs to be passed right now, right now, right now, so it can begin to start right away in 2013.


Blah, blah, blah indeed. The healthcare summit is done, and the time for talk is over. Again.

Obama Breaks Promise

The story Obama Breaks Promise has been withdrawn. A replacement story will run whenever we get around to it.

If you would like to see what was in the article Obama Breaks Promise, don't bother looking around. It certainly wasn't about Obama, or any promise that he broke. We swear.

Mega Roundtable - Issues 2010

And now it's time to return to our "Mega Roundtable" where a moderator and two commentators representing a cross section of opinions debate all of the issues facing our country today.

Issue #1 - Obama's Performance

Moderator: Obama's performance has been the subject of much debate in his first year. Given all the problems he inherited, and all the sheer obstinance by the so-called "opposition" party, who have done nothing but attempt to derail his presidency by any means necessary, how do you think he is doing?

Commentator #1: I think anyone with any legitimate insight would have to admit that he has handled his troubles exceptionally well. Are there things he could have done differently? Sure. One is that he gave Republicans too much opportunity to influence his administration and policies. But this is easily one of the best first years by a President going all the way back to George Washington.

Commentator #2: One of the best first years by a President going back to Washington? Are you crazy? It's simply the best first year by a President going back to Washington. It only makes you wish there were more than 42 Presidents to compare him to, because even with 10,000 or so other presidents, it's obvious he would eclipse them all.

Commentator #1: I don't know about all of them. Out of 10,000 other presidents, you figure there might be other people in there who are more pragmatic, and even less beholden to the interests of the opposing party. You figure there might even be one or two other Obama's in there. What do you do then? How would you compare him to another Barack Obama?

Commentator #2: I don't think you could fairly compare him to another Barack Obama. For now, you would have to say he is better than any clone of himself, because he is the original, and the original is always best. But if the Obama clone was all you had, then of course, the clone would still be better than anybody else. Barack Obama and the Obama clones reign supreme as the most amazing Presidents in the history of this country. Nay, the world.

Commentator #1: But let's look seriously at this for a minute. You would really have to say that any Obama clones would at least be equally as good as the original. That's the definition of a clone. An exact copy. It's not fair to the clones to contend that the original would inherently be best. An Obama is an Obama is an Obama. All are incredibly awesome, especially when it comes to presidenting in the first year.

Commentator #2: Sure, as clones of Barack, by definition all are instinctively awesome. But the clones have yet to prove themselves, where the original has had a year to be the most utterly fantastic President the world has yet seen. You can't say that about his clones, unless we look hypothetically at a situation where the clones have each sat in office for at least a year. In that case, it is fair to say that all would probably at least be equal. I will concede your point that an Obama clone is probably as good as the original, but you have to concede my point that the original Obama is unbelievably awesome.

Commentator #1: I concede that he is unbelievably awesome. In fact, I think I was the first to bring that point to the table.

Commentator #2: Well, even if you were, I was the first to put the exclamation point on it.

Moderator: Well, that's all the issues we have time for on this edition of Mega Roundtable. I think one thing we can be sure of is that, no matter our differences of opinion, we can always find common ground somewhere. Thanks to both of you and we'll see you next time on Roundtable.

Poll: State of the Union

We polled 3000 Independent readers about the current "State of the Union" to find out how independents believe President Obama is doing. Thank you to all who responded.

Jump Down, Turn Around

An Opinion Column by Pauline Chandler

I was walking down Fifth Avenue with a friend of mine on Saturday when I remembered a story my father used to tell me when I was a small child. It was about monsters and terrible things and there was a hero in it, and at the end, everybody was very happy. But as we all know, that's not the way life works.

W. promised us safety from terrorism and a new brand of prosperity, but the policies of corporate greed and malfeasance put us squarely on the road to Nowheresville, USA. And if it wasn't for the big wakeup call that America received in 2008, we'd still be there, waterboarding bakers we kidnapped off the streets of Iraq in Guantanamo Bay for kicks.

Unfortunately, as the Special Election in Massachusetts proves all too well, there are a lot of things still very wrong with our system. Things are hard, life is hard and times are hard, and Democrats are the ones in charge. So Democrats will be the ones who are punished for it.

But it doesn't have to be this way, if they would only stop telling everyone the truth.

Despite what the Founding Fathers may have believed about liberty and freedom, the cold reality is that people deep down are sheep. Give them a hint of grass and clover, and they surely will follow. And if they can't smell anything, they will simply look around for the nearest hanging wool and walk behind the other sheep. This is the stopped down, Wasilla Alaska type mentality that leads people to vote for a centerfold over a lawyer.

It's time for the Democrats to stop telling the truth and start telling people what they want to hear. People don't want to hear that they're going to have to make sacrifices for a common good, to help people who lack opportunity, who are lower on the social scale than they are. They want to know that they themselves are going to get something out of the deal. So tell them they will. It doesn't matter. Most of them drive pickup trucks and watch NASCAR. By the time they realize that they've had to make a sacrifice or two, and they're not getting anything concrete for their tax dollars, they will probably be on their eleventh beer, and hitting their wife.

If you've ever attempted to maneuver a dog into your vehicle so you can cart him off to the vet, you'll know what I mean. Dogs don't want to go to the vet, because going to the vet means getting shots and being poked and prodded and having allsorts done to make them better. So you leave a bone on the seat, and in hops Rover. Off to the vet you go.

Now more than ever, Masssachusetts proves that Democrats need to give the people a good bone.

President Obama must never again get up on stage and tell people the reality; that 50 million people walk around uninsured in this country, and at any moment could be hit by a car and be left on the street to die. If the tea parties prove anything, it's that people don't understand what "Health Insurance Reform" is. Big words confuse them and they end up pulling levers for truck drivers.

So call it something else. Call it a "Middle Class Tax Cut". As W. demonstrated, people love it when you cut their taxes. So tell them that's what you're doing, and get the real sausage of slashing Medicare and setting up boards that will make wise and fair health decisions for them under the radar. Half the voters in Massachusetts said they were voting for The Naked Senator Scottyboy Brown because of Health Insurance Reform. They wouldn't have been saying that if the Democrats had called it "Tax Cuts". That was the big mistake.

Same thing with taking over the banks. Don't tell people you're taking them over. Tell people you're "helping" the banks. "Bailout" has all of a sudden become a poisonous word. So call it "Bank Assistance". Call it "Bank Loving". Call it "Bank Is Good Now, Ook, Ook, Ook". Speak the people's language.

The result is the same, but everybody stays in the dark. This is what it's come to, in the era of YouTube and the Internet. It's so easy now to spread misinformation, and for people to be totally, completely and thoroughly misled. Democrats need to use this to their advantage, start doing some misleading of their own, and stop letting the other side win.

Put the honesty away, Democrats, before we lose something more than a Senator.

Pauline Chandler is an independent Nobel Laureate who writes for The Mega Independent.

What Obama Must Do Now

Scott Brown has been elected to the Senate. Ted Kennedy's seat is filled. About 135,000 registered Democrats voted for him, in the bluest of blue states. The people of Massachusetts have spoken. They have sent a message loud and clear to Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. And that message is...

"You need to do more stuff."

If more stuff had been done by January 19th, there is no doubt that Martha Coakley would be Senator right now, and the Democrats' filibuster proof majority would remain in tact. The people in this country are angry. And not just teabagger extremists, either. But real people. They're angry and they have spoken. They've said their piece. They want healthcare reform. They want cap and trade. They want amnesty for undocumented immigrant workers. They want it all. But they want it yesterday.

"You didn't tax and spend fast enough for us, President Obama. And this is your punishment."

Unemployment remains over 10%. The misery index is rising. That's all a remnant from the Bush era, and the people of Massachusetts know it. They can feel it in their voting bones. And they've let everybody know that they know that it's time for Obama to act. The time for talk is over. Talk is cheap. And actions speak louder than words.

"Your agenda is perfect, Democrats. We love you. Here's our wallet and our credit cards. And here's the money we set aside for our children's education. Take it. Take their children's money, too. Because you're smarter than us and you'll know what to do with it. Please, just don't hurt us. We won't call the police. We won't tell anyone what you look like. Take it all and just let us go. Please."

This wasn't a vote for Scott Brown or against Martha Coakley. It was a vote against the status quo of 40 obstructionist Republicans in the Senate. For 12 months, we've heard nothing but excuses from the Republicans. "Wah, executive power. Wah, the Democrats can do whatever they want. Wah, an 80 vote majority in the House, and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate. Wah, wah, wah, we're the party of no and we want Obama to fail. Well, now Massachusetts has said, "okay, here's your 41st Republican... now what are you gonna do, Republicans?"

All the excuses the Republicans have been making toward stopping real positive progressive change are gone, just like that. And as Scott Brown gasses up his truck and heads toward Washington D.C., the Republicans there this morning are all no doubt shaking in their collective filibustering boots.

Whether you're a Democrat or Republican, or an Independent like us, this vote was obviously a double down on the Hope that was commanded by the people in 2008. "Work faster, Mr. President. Work harder. Work smarter. Work better. Give Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid more power to get things done. Do your backroom deals with more gusto. Don't just spend a little bit of our money, spend it all. Spend it all on things we all believe in. Lie to us, but really believe your lies this time. Change."

Massachusetts has spoken. Are you listening, Mr. President?