Wednesday, December 30, 2009

TMI Exclusive: The Sarah Palin Interview

Sarah Palin took a break from her whirlwind book tour to sit down and talk to The Mega Independent about her life, her loves, and what it's like to have a runaway bestselling book.

The Mega Independent: Mrs. Palin, thank you for sitting down with us.
Sarah Palin: Thank you for having me.
TMI: A train with Vladimir Putin on it is travelling east at 174 MPH. Another train is travelling southwest at 160 MPH. Putin's train left at 6:05 PM. The other train left at 7:30 PM. They started 752 miles apart. At what time will they meet?
SP: Uh... I dunno. Around 9:00?
TMI: Idiot! Everyone knows Putin doesn't ride the train.
SP: Oh.
TMI: Let's try something easier. What is the square root of 6,500,422?
SP: Hang on a second. Give me a minute here.
TMI: Take your time.
SP: Ummmm... one minute... ummmmmm...
TMI: Take all the time you need.
SP: 2549.592516462185?
TMI: HAHAHA DUMMY! It's 2549.592516462189. This is really the kind of basic thing anyone considering running for public office should know.
SP: Sorry.
TMI: That's okay. Ok, right. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: A-N-T-I-D-I-S-E-S-T-A-B-L-I-S-H-M-E-N-T-A-R-I-A-N-I-S-M?
TMI: Wrong! I-T. I. T. We asked how you spell "it". Listening carefully to questions is a very important quality in a leader. You should really open your ears.
SP: Yeah, that's a really good point. I'll try and do better next time.
TMI: Ok. Here's an easy one. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
SP: Ummmm...
TMI: Not gonna answer this one, huh?
SP: No, it's just that...
TMI: Just that what? You don't want to tell us?
SP: No, I mean...
TMI: You mean what? Just answer the question.
SP: No, I mean, it's kind of a rhetorical question that people meditate on.
TMI: Why are you dodging the issue?
SP: I'm not. There's really no answer to it. That's the whole point.
TMI: No answer, huh? No answer. Well, I'm sure "no answer" is exactly what some big foreign leader is going to want to hear when he calls you at 3 AM. You make me sick.
SP: I didn't mean to.
TMI: The third law of thermodynamics states that if all the thermal motion of molecules - kinetic energy - could be removed, a state called absolute zero would occur. Absolute zero results in a temperature of 0 Kelvins or -273.15° Celsius. The Universe will attain absolute zero when all energy and matter is randomly distributed across space. The current temperature of empty space in the Universe is about 2.7 Kelvins. Approximately when can we expect this to happen?
SP: You got me on this one. I really don't know.
TMI: LOL! It's just theory! Moron! In saying you don't know, you have revealed yourself to be a denier of thermodynamics, the basic laws of the universal construct, otherwise known as "reality". What's next? You "don't know" about gravity? Denier!
SP: No... I was just...
TMI: Okay. Let's try something a little more simple for you. Antidisestablishmentarianism is the longest word in the English language. How do you spell it?
SP: Uhhhh, I-T?
TMI: You schmuck! You think the longest word in the English language is just two letters long? And you think you could someday be President of the United States? How did you manage to write an entire book with words that were only one and two letters long? Was it in some other language? Huh? Stupid?
SP: It's just one of those things, I guess.
TMI: Ok. The final question of this interview tests your reflexes. Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: What?
TMI: Snatch the pebble from my hand.
SP: I'm not following you.
TMI: When you can take the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to be President.
SP: I can't. You're way too fast.
TMI: Well, there you go. Thanks for sitting down with us.
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