Reports from inside the crumbling Scott Brown campaign indicate a scandal from which it may be too late to recover. We at the Mega Independent are proud to do our part for unbiased patriotic justice and uncover this, potentially just in time to save our Republic.
We have an unverified report that Scott Brown once drank orange juice from the bottle and then put it back in the fridge.
You read that right. Your eyes aren't deceiving you. This man, Scott Brown, who has made it all the way to the edge of a Special Senate Election seat, once drank orange juice from the bottle and then put it back in the fridge. Yup. If this report is true, then he put his lips directly on the bottle itself and then drank and drank and drank. And drank. Then he recapped it and put it back inside like nothing had happened.
What does this tell you about Scott Brown, Massachusetts? That was his family's orange juice. And he just lifted it right there out of the fridge and didn't even bother getting himself a glass. He just took the cap right off and then gulped down a giant swig, all for his selfish self. He enjoyed it, too. Got the Vitamin C and everything.
And his campaign's futile explanation for this dirty dealing? "Uh, I dunno. It was the middle of the night, it was dark and he was probably thirsty."
Dark and he was thirsty. Uh-huh.
No lights in the kitchen at the Brown Estate? The fridge itself doesn't have a light inside it that comes on when you open the door? Well, that would certainly be a first. A fridge without a light inside it. Unless the fridge was made in 1820. Ha! Too bad they didn't make fridges in 1820, Scott Brown.
The lies, deception and dirty tricks from the Brown campaign never cease to confound. Doesn't he know that he has germs? Germs which he could pass on to his wife, in this the Swine Flu Age?
And to his children? What about the children? Why doesn't Scott Brown care about children? If wantonly and surreptitiously spreading filth and disease is the kind of thing he does to his own defenseless children, causing them to potentially require costly healthcare, what will he do to your children and your healthcare?
Think of America as the refigerator, and Teddy Kennedy's Senate seat as the shelf. Scott Brown wants to just rip that cap right off of the "bottle" (Congress) and drink up all of the "juice" (legislation) all for himself. Maybe then he'll put it back in the "fridge" (the Capitol Building) or maybe he won't. But by then, everything will have already been contaminated by his "germs" (Republicans).
Let's not give him the chance, Massachusetts. Vote Martha Coakley before we find out what other monsters are hiding in Scott Brown's closet. If he wins on Tuesday, then by Wednesday, it will be too late.
The cap will already be off the juice.
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