Thursday, January 14, 2010

Coakley Aide Barely Survives Ninja Reporter Attack

On Tuesday night, outside a fundraiser for Martha Coakley's Massachusetts senate campaign, Martha Coakley and campaign aide Michael Meehan were clearly minding their own business on the street when a conservative ninja reporter tried to do injurious harm both of them. As you can clearly see in the above photo, Meehan's knees are totally defenseless to the ground attack from the dragon fisted reporter.

"This was a blindside assault on some people that were just walking down the street, not doing anything to anyone. Shoes can be a very deadly weapon, and the ground can provide an unbelievable amount of leverage for a hematoma-inducing scissor kick. And hematomas can kill", remarked Attorney General Eric Holder. "We take low-level stealth aggression such as this one very seriously, and rest assured we will investigate and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law."

Political expert Chris Matthews of hard-hitting investigative news channel MSNBC declared, "This is pure desperation by a white teabagging minority, who have to resort to sneaky acts of violence when they can't win the popular vote. Martha is lucky that black metal grate was there to block the ninja reporter's further onslaught of martial arts madness."

A Democratic strategist who wished to remain anonymous said, "I'm afraid to walk down the street now. This suprise aggression has terrorized me. You never know when some biased conservative reporter is going to be lying on the ground facing up with his fierce limbs of kung fu fury flying at you from all directions. I'm always looking down now to make sure my path is totally clear."

There are conflicting reports from eyewitnesses over what the reporter was screaming while he was on the ground. It was either "Die, democrat die, I'll kill you, you lousy healthcare reforming, tax the rich and help the poor, save the planet from deadly warming, punish evil corporations for stealing from everyone, liberal, DIE!!!!!!!!", or "Ouch, please, help me up".

If it was "Ouch, please, help me up", you can be sure he said it very menacingly, with a look of pure terrorization in his eyes.

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