Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Showdown: Republicans vs. Democrats - Healthcare Edition

Although our level-headed readers are known for their balanced view of everything political - a little from this party, a little from that party - very often the winds in politics will shift and cause independents to break a certain way toward one side or the other. Because one day you may find yourself making a choice to align yourself with a party and put a big capital R or D next to your name for good, we at the Independent have decided to unveil "Showdown", an educational column devoted to giving you the most balanced information possible.

Showdown is where we break down the various ideologies that affect American life, so you can make an informed decision on who you want to be politically. Today we tackle the first of what will hopefully be many subjects.

Showdown R vs. D: Healthcare Edition

Level of Care

Democrats: Democrats believe healthcare is a basic right that should be extended to every single man and woman, boy and girl, regardless of color, sex, ethnicity, gender, race, creed, sexual orientation or level of brownness.

Republicans: Republicans believe that you should get sick and die. And if your family can't afford the burial, then they should also get sick and die until somebody is left alive who can afford to pay off Big Funeral, Big Cemetery and Big Undertaker.


Democrats: Democrats believe that everyone should be able to afford basic, advanced and super-advanced care, regardless of poverty status, income level, monetary savings or ability to pay.

Republicans: Republicans believe there are five people in America who are rich enough to be able to afford basic healthcare. All of them are old, white men whose ancestors owned slaves. They believe the other 300 million people should die. Actually, they believe the other 300 million people should already be dead, but failing that, they can go ahead and die right now. Tomorrow at the latest.

The Children

Democrats: Democrats believe that if a child is very sick, he or she should receive all healthcare possible regardless of age, numerical status, youthfulness or life experience.

Republicans: Republicans believe that if a child is very sick, he or she should grow up and get a job.


Democrats believe you should never be scared of anything, regardless of your level of fright, alarm, apprehension, panic, angst, trepidation or unease.

Republicans: Republicans want to scare you until you can afford to pay them to stop. When you lay down for bed tonight, check and make sure there isn't a Republican underneath it, waiting to make you sick and then laugh at you with his white friends because you don't have insurance. If he isn't under your bed, then he's in the closet. If he isn't in the closet, he is watching you on closed circuit television from a big expensive house in a remote location.

We hope this gives you a good overview of the many different views the parties have on the issue of healthcare. Choose carefully and vote with knowledge. And your heart!

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