Four Steps to Republican Resurgence

An Opinion Column by Frank Finger

As the recent elections in Virginia, New Jersey and Massachusetts have demonstrated, Republicans have one chance this year to go from complete marginality to at least a faux leadership position. This is how they can do it.

1. Accept That Not Everybody is White. The Republicans will never win the vote of minorities by catering only to the needs of white people. Republican code words like "freedom" and "tax cuts" that refer specifically to the priveleges traditionally enjoyed by caucasians need to be put back two centuries where they belong. The president is a black man. And he won fair and square, no thanks to any of you, you racists.

2. Stop Being the Party of No... Ideas, That Is. It's been horrifying enough watching Republicans attempt to thwart President Obama's center-right agenda over and over through a petty barrage of no, no, no. But one day the GOP will wake up and realize that voters want to hear actual ideas, not just simpleminded obstruction. Hopefully by the time they come up with a single suggestion for improving the American healthcare system, we won't already all be dead.

3. The Crusades Ended 800 Years Ago, Get Over It. What Americans believe spiritually is the most private thing in their lives. So why is it that Republicans want to shove Jesus Loves You down everybody's throat through invidious legislation? Are they so out of touch that they don't know that people also worship Buddha, Allah and Vishnu? Have they missed all the recent shouts of Allahu Akbar (translation: God is Great)?

4. Admit That Democrats are Smarter and Have Better Ideas. As 2008 demonstrated, the American people have awakened to the fact that Democrats not only know exactly what they're doing, but they know exactly how to do it. It's no coincidence that since the anointing of Barack Obama, America gets more and more awesome by the day. So as Republicans campaign in each election, big and small in 2010 and beyond, my advice to them is to just come out and say it. "Yes, my opponent is more refined, more intellectual, has all the answers, and understands how to make America incredibly amazing. But vote for me anyway." It will show a degree of honesty that has been sorely lacking and the voters will respect them for it.

Frank Finger is a six-time Pulitzer winning conservative columnist who writes for the Mega Independent.