Commissioned by UC Berkeley and carried out at Columbia University, this unbiased research attempted to determine if there were any mental predictors of liberalism and conservatism. The results were as stunning as they were unassailable.
"One thing we learned was that the makeup of the liberal mind shows an incredible eye for assembling new information and modifying beliefs where necessary", remarked one of the scientists. "The conservative mind, on the other hand, demonstrates inarguable rigidity, pre-judgment, a very low IQ, and often an unshakable belief in pathetic and stupid, impossible things that everyone knows is wrong".
Subjects were asked a series of questions to determine their political outlook and put into two groups: "Democrat" and "Republican". After being divided into groups, they were then sat in front of a keyboard and computer screen and shown a series of quotations about the world and themselves. The instructions were simple - hit one key for "Yes" and one key for "No".
What the subjects did not know was that the keys were secretly labeled underneath with alternative meanings. The "Yes" key was the "I am Smart" key and the "No" key was the "I am Dumb" key.
For example, when the groups were shown the quotation, "Man's greed is causing the Earth to die", liberals by a very wide margin hit the correct key, "Yes" (I am Smart), where conservatives very often hit the stupid key, "No" (I am Dumb). "Toilet paper should be used one square at a time, no matter what you are wiping" produced the same result.
Racism was rampant among conservatives, and the study left little future argument for this obvious fact. When the quote "The president is doing an amazing job, especially for a black guy", liberals always hit "Yes" (I am Intelligent) where conservatives showed their hateful right-wing bias by hitting "No" (I am a Stupid Racist).
Other quotes shown to the subjects included, "There is no God, only Government can save us", "Unwanted babies should be left alone in hospital closets" and "Communism is the bees knees". On the personal beliefs side, some quotes were, "I don't believe in God", "I think the right of free speech was meant to be limited to the expression of universally correct, liberal truths", "Conseratives are dumb", "Islam is the light", and "George Bush wrecked the World Trade Center so he could get Saddam and also oil from the brown people." Incredibly, liberals got all of these questions right ("Yes") where conservatives got them all wrong ("No").
More study will, of course, be needed to determine exactly how intelligent liberals are and why their brains function so astoundingly well. Also why they're so alarmingly open-minded about every single thing.
Based on the results of the study, the scientists agreed that it would be waste of time for anyone to compare conservatives to liberals anymore, hinting that future studies may want to pit conservatives up against something more on their level, like "poop", and "poopypants".
