Thursday, August 19, 2010

Puttin' the Car In (D)!

President Obama recently came up with a stirring analogy which concisely summarized the position America is in right now as we stare down some unfortunate elections this November.

He said, "When you want to get in your car and go forward, what do you do? You put your car in (D), you don't put it in (R)."

Along with being amazingly tempered, highly bipartisan, and stunningly witty, Obama has now revealed himself to be a master of parallel ideas and deep thoughts. The Mega Independent Investigative Team (Working For You) has recently gotten ahold of some more analogies Obama is toying with breaking out on the campaign trail, as November inches ever closer...
1. "When you're sick and you want to get better, you go to the (D) - Doctor... you don't go to the (R) - Rental Truck Place. And the (D)octor is going to make you better. The (R)ental Truck Place is only going to try and rent you a truck and prevent you from getting immediate treatment, which could only make you sicker. Plus they have fumes there, which definitely won't help your cough, if your illness involves one. Am I right?"
2. "When you want something good to eat, you go into the fridge and you get something that is (D) - Delicious... you don't go to the garbage can and get something out that's (R) - Rotten. You just don't! And that's what these failed policies of the last eight years are... Rotten! You see... the (D) stands for for (D)elicious! That is, in terms of food you would want to consume when you are hungry. And (R) is for Rotten, which isn't good for you. Get it?"
3. "When you go out at night, and you're young, and say it's going to be a first date of some kind, and you're taking out a girl, you want to look your best. So you put on something (D) - Dapper. You don't go putting on something that's (R) - Wrinkly. We need to vote (D) and stop the wrinkly old policies from the party of 'no'... no irons, that is."
4. "When you're at a therapist and you've got a bad memory from childhood and you want to get rid of it so you can enjoy more of life, you have two choices. You can (D) - Deal with it... thereby releasing its vise-like grip on your adult experience, or you can (R) - Repress it, and let the bad memory continue to fail you like it has for the last eight or more years. (R)epressing is bad! (D)ealing is good. Who's with me????"
5. "And when you're stuck on some futuristic planet and the alien beings there have advanced weaponry that you don't recognize. Well, say one of these beings decides he wants to take a shot at you with a laser of some kind. What do you do when you want to avoid it? You (D) - Duck... that way the laserbeam will miss you and maybe hit another alien, and the alien who shot it will hopefully have to wait for his thing to recharge, at which time you can turn your head and pretend to be wiping your lip for a minute with your elbow bent, and then suddenly without warning suckerpunch it out of his hand, and then wrestle with him until Spock arrives. That's one choice that you, as an American voter can make. You can (D) - Duck. Or, on the other hand, you can try to (R) - Run. But last I checked, alien lasers are faster than human beings, even in the future. So you end up getting hit in the back and you are disabled, or possibly even dead. That's the choice that we as Americans are all going to be making. Duck the advanced laser and survive... or try to outrun it and get hit in the back and fall down in a heap. What do you think is better for America, America?!!?? I know what I think is better, America! I know what I think is better! Fired up! Ready to go!!! Fired up!!! Ready to go!!!! Fired up!!!! Ready to go!!!!!!!"
Truly amazing stuff from a truly amazing man. And whatever analogy the President eventually sticks with, the message is clear - this November, when you stand in the voting booth, under no circumstances are you to remember that the (D) on your ballot really stands for "(D)emocrat".

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