Monday, August 23, 2010

TMI Exclusive: The Sun Will Set Tonight... Unexpectedly

A new study out of the University of Alberta, Canada claims that the sun will set tonight and could rise tomorrow... unexpectedly.

Although we will be surrounded by darkness tonight as the sun lurches beneath the horizon, a small group of scientists are now claiming that it will in fact come back in the morning, bigger and brighter than ever. But science has been wrong before.

"The apparent stillness of the Earth is our leading indicator", reported an anonymous Democratic representative with a scientific background. "Are you seriously telling me that that immense fireball, which is disappearing before our very eyes in that direction (pointing west), is going to mysteriously reappear over there (pointing east) at some point in the future? Look how dark it's getting. That thing is going down. And if we don't do something about it right now, we're in big, big trouble."

The Mega Independent Investigative Research Team (Working For You) sent observers out in all fifty states and each watched as the hot ball of flame streaked across the sky yesterday and eventually out of view, creating widespread blackness. The study demonstrated that it in fact did get darker, nearly pitch black in fact, as the chill of the night air set in. As of this printing at 2 AM, there is no hint of the sun ever coming back, despite claims to the contrary by the Darkness Deniers.

President Obama interrupted his trip from Martha's Vineyard to the Bahamas, to hold an emergency historic speech to ease the fears that gripped a nation. "As the wave of darkness sets in across this country, we must take steps to survive this crisis. I have authorized Congress to appropriate a new spending bill, The Darkulus, which will help ease the pain of our limited sight tonight."

He continued, "In the dark, there is no white, no brown, no red and no yellow... we are all the same color and must come together as one. We must be reminded at all times of this fever-pitched need to focus on racial makeup like a laserbeam. We need to focus on it at the dinner table, at the water cooler, in the kitchen and around the campfire. We need to focus on race at work, at home, at school and at play. We will talk about race on the playground, in factories and in the doctor's office. In fact, some 'Census Takers' will be around at your door in the coming weeks to make sure you are having the national discussion on race. If you are not, then appropriate steps will be taken to make sure that you are. The time for talk is over."

Obama concluded his speech with powerful words. "University scientists all around this country have informed us bleakly that the sun, our friend in space for over 40 trillion years, has gone away and is never coming back again. Yes, there is a small minority of Deniers who claim otherwise, that it will rise tomorrow and set again, but unlike previous administrations responsible for the failed policies of the last eight years, we do not look at one thing and say it is another. We are not happy with the status quo. It's dark outside right now and to us, that constitutes a crisis.

Let me be clear. The 500 billion dollar Darkulus bill will ease our shared burden, and if we spend enough money, then maybe one day, perhaps tomorrow even, the sun will rise again... unexpectedly. And if you like your daytime, you'll be able to keep your daytime. We will get that sun fired up. Ready to go. Thank you and goodnight, err, goodbye."

The Darkulus Sunshine Reform Bill of 2010 will send much needed taxpayer money to fund Democrat campaigns in important election races across the country, as they fend off science-denying, darkness-loving Republican challengers, and work to get us going in the right direction. If and when the sun does come back, Democrats will be the ones working tirelessly to make sure it doesn't ever leave us again.

"A world with no sun forces us to waste superfluous energy on things like artificial light", explained Lucy, 12, an environmental activist and Honorary Code Pink Kiddie. "And when we use too much energy, it causes Global Warming. And Global Warming is bad, which is why we need the sun back as soon as possible. If we are to ever put a stop to Global Warming once and for all, we must keep the sun shining constantly high above us in the noonday sky, never to leave us again. That will stop us using the nasty energy and make sure we stay cool all the time. Obama is going to fix it. Obama is going to teach us."

And the Sunshine Reform bill will help advance medicine, too. The Mega Independent Healthcare Team reports that there are over 400,000 accidents a day in the United States. That number would go way down if the sun was always there to light our way and keep our vision clear. Accidents are a tremendous burden on our healthcare system, keeping our highly trained doctors busy with silly things like gashes and broken bones.

Republicans have repeatedly claimed that there is no need for Sunshine Reform, that the sun will definitely come back tomorrow, only to set again and again and again. Well, we need to break this corrupt cycle of greedy bright days, and impoverished, empty nights. Why should one 4:00 (am) be much darker than the other 4:00 (pm), Mr. Republican?

We need exactly the same amount of light and warmth at all times. The choice is clear. It's time for fairness and equity once and for all. It's time to pass ObamaShine. It's time for daylight justice.
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