Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Democrats Reveal Brand New Search Engine

In the face of the many lies and half-truths plastered all over the internet, and the "voter ignorance" that is currently sweeping the country, as Senator John Kerry (D-MA) so eloquently put it, the Democrats have unveiled a brand new search engine.

"This is the only way to cut through all the lies and distortions that are out there on the web.", remarked one Democratic Strategist. "Words can be very dangerous. People are fooled too easily. They just need someone to do the heavy information lifting for them and to show them the way forward."

Called "Truthgle", a barb squarely aimed at a current unnamed search giant that staunchly refuses to filter out lies and distortions, the plan is to eventually help take the internet, and the country, to a whole new level of progress.

A top level government official who wished to remain anonymous explained it thusly. "Hopefully, truth will multiply with truth and soon, that will be all that's left. Truth. Then Americans will be able to make informed voting decisions, instead of ones clouded by fear and ignorance. And if we can get Net Neutrality through, the plan is for this to become the #1 search out there, well, actually the only search out there. But don't print that yet."

TMI got to play around a little with Truthgle, and so far we really like what we see! Here are some screenshots:




Happy searching!

Monday, September 27, 2010

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Friday, September 24, 2010

Green Dating Tips

Global Warming is a problem that we all face, but there are ways to be green without sacrificing love. Here are some tips to be more environmentally conscious in your romantic lives.
* For her: Men waste a lot of energy and release a lot of excess carbon trying to bed you. Always put out on the first date.

* For him: Voicemail is stored on computers which release nasty environmental polluting carbon into the atmosphere. If you call a woman you've been on a date with and she doesn't answer her phone, do not leave a voicemail. Try calling back over and over and letting it ring until she answers.

* For him: The factories that produce chocolate are bastions of industrial waste. Try bringing her some homegrown sprouts instead.

* For her: If he takes you out to a restaurant, do not order any food. Instead give him a speech about how mass produced food is merely a capitalist byproduct of the powerful military-industrial complex, which keeps all the sheep happy and timid in our defenseless little herd. He will admire you for your strong beliefs.

* For him: When we breathe, we let out lots of earth murdering carbon dioxide. If your date is telling you a story, try staring intently at her and holding your breath until you can't hold it anymore. Repeat until the story is finished. The carbon you save will be equivalent to that released by giving a small child a ride to school.

* For him: If you notice she is talking a lot, try putting your finger to her lips and gently whispering to her, "Shhhhh... the Earth needs less carbon dioxide."

* For her: Laughing releases ten times as much carbon as regular respiration. Do not laugh at his jokes or stories. Instead, write "That is a very funny story." on a Post-It and then stick it to his plate.
Remember, the environment is ours to share. Together, we CAN make a difference.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The New Democrat Logo Has Given Me Sexual Liberation

An Opinion Column by Pauline Chandler

Last month, while I was hiking in the Adirondacks, I came across an injured bear. He was large, with big snarling teeth and claws that could more than likely shred me limb from limb. But while I was face to face with him and his irretrievably crippled leg, I simply laughed. That bear could no more harm me than I could harm a mountain.

Why? Because I have a brain that thinks. He is merely an animal. Where he has instinct to protect his little bear family and make his little bear leg work again, I have thougtful reason and cunning. Where he submits to volatile fire-breathing anger and backwards, cave-dwelling fear, I have informed consent over my emotions. I am superior to him just as I am superior to most of you.

Anger is a potent weapon, and fear is a crusted old motivator, as aged and refined as the wine in my 54 degree chilling cellar. And fear, like wine, tastes lovely in one's political adversaries. But that is only when there's not an election coming up where those in fear get to speak their seldom used minds.

Vote-casting by the unwashed masses is a relic of the 18th century, when that folly-laden gaggle of inbreds entrusted themselves with creating the world's most universally hated country, of which I am alternately very proud and not proud at all to be a part.

Proud on a night when we elected the endearing orator, the ocean-healer and healthcare-saver, Mr. President Barack Obama. And not proud at all in a few short weeks when the so-called "electorate" will put its panic-stricken ursine qualities to paper, and alter the course of human progress, setting all of his hard work back perhaps centuries.

That is why, last Monday, when I got a behind-the-scenes sneak preview of the new logo the Democrats have unveiled - a block letter D inside a circle, sublime in its simplicity, parboiled in its pluperfection - I began to feel things I have rarely felt before. What's more, something deep inside was telling me to act on those feelings. Since then, I have celebrated with not one or two, but with seven different men, one for each night that has passed since the Logo was revealed to me. I am a woman. Not whorish or slutty, but empowered.

When I see the blue D, I am at once entranced and transfixed, taken to a higher level of sexual consciousness. It's the 60's once again and I am tripping on acid and rolling in the mud somewhere in New York while a war that nobody wants rages in a country far, far away. I am liberated.

You see, while the vast declassed fixate blindly on the Logo's masterful design, their social betters are gathered in Washington, constructing pages upon pages of new progressive law. This law will be passed, one way or another, while the sheep sleep in the Logo's perfect light blue hypnosis, to take us all to a place of social justice and transformation, of fairness and true equality. That is what I see when I see the Logo, and it excites me in very special ways.

There was a lady yesterday, at a televised town hall meeting, and she asked the President why he has not done enough to make her life easier. She is struggling mightily, you see, even though she voted for him. She claims, quizzically, that her family is living on mere hot dogs and beans. She does not understand why things are not better for her yet.

Well, when you voted for President Obama, Missy, his promise was not to accompany your "franks and beans" with spoonfuls of dijon mustard, but rather to make things fairer for everyone the world over. That is why it is not up to Obama to "feel" your pain, but rather to "create" a little bit more of it. When you fracture a bone, as the failed policies of the last eight years fractured this country, often times the only fix is for the good doctor to break the bone all the way through, before the healing can truly begin.

So right now, it is Dr. Obama's job to break the bear's bones, to immobilize it in a cast of 100% political silence, while he and the rest of the elected superiors set about fixing things the right way. It is time, and not too late I might add, for our elections to cease, and the world to thoroughly transform. Only then, when the system has been reconstructed, can the cast truly come off. Any sooner and the pain will surely be excruciating. That is by design, I assure you. And with this, I am drenched in anticipation for the future of this country.

So, Miss Obama Supporter, when you emerge from your voiceless hole which you yourself clearly admit that you willingly and smartly voted into power, if you don't recognize the world you are in anymore, do not get angry like some pugnacious, degenerate bear fearfully defending its young and trying to fix its still mangled leg.

Do not swipe at the air with your clipped claws, because that sort of behavior is not becoming of a lady. Rather, be like me. Sit back in your study, use your brain a little bit more, and then have some wine. I recommend a 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild. I picked one up at Sotheby's yesterday and it was delicious.

Pauline Chandler is an independent Nobel Laureate who writes for The Mega Independent.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Scientists: Alarming Rise in Global "Feels Like" Temperature

While there is now considerable debate about whether there has been an actual rise in global temperatures over the last 20 years, scientists have noted one thing that cannot be debated. It "feels like" it's getting warmer.

Earth climatologists tell us there are two temperatures... the temperature it is and the temperature it feels like. In the winter, this is often known as the "wind chill factor" and in summer it is called the "heat index".

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have gone back through time to study these factors and indexes and have discovered an alarming trend. Despite data showing that the real global temperature has not really increased at all, and may in fact have decreased slightly over the years, it definitely "feels" warmer.

"If it continues to keep feeling warmer and warmer like this," remarked Candy, a world renowned climate scientist, "one day we will all feel so warm that it could totally feel like we're melting and stuff".

If this trend continues, we could wake up one morning and "feel like" the oceans are rising and flooding our coastal cities. We could "feel like" important crops are not getting enough water, which would make it "feel like" there is a sudden food shortage. We might even "feel like" there is a dangerous increase in violent storms and hurricanes, generating panic and fear everywhere and creating a climate that "feels like" worldwide hysteria.

There is yet to be an explanation for this phenomenon, but experts are surmising that it is due to man's impact on the environment. "We're not supposed to be here," said Mohammed Al-Zebuya, an expert on global climate change. "I think the planet doesn't like us and making the temperature feel hotter is her way of saying, 'go, go, get out of here, you people are no good'."

Environmentalists refer to this as the Stop and Go theory of human impact. The Stop and Go theory says that man needs to "Stop" everything we are doing right now, and then "Go", as in "go away" so the Earth can heal with the animals. So regardless of what you hear from Republican deniers, Global Feels Like Warming is a real problem, with what will "feel like" real catastrophic consequences.

The global scientific consensus is that it's time for Democrats to raise taxes on energy. They need to pass Cap and Trade, the gigantic earth-saving energy tax, to stop this trend, before we all "feel like" we're going to die.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

9/11/10 - Obama's 600th Day

President Barack Obama has been in office for 599 days. This is day number 600.

It's been quite a ride for Mr. Obama, one of unique opposition to all of his plans and unprecedented obstacles facing him. Nevertheless, the greatest president ever is nearly halfway through his historic first term.

This is the day we choose to commemorate our amazing leader. So please, let's all sit back and take a quick moment to remember what a struggle it has been for Barack Obama.

And while we're at it, let's never, ever forget it. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hunger Strike Day 1 - Update

The last presidential election was supposed to usher in an unprecedented era of hope... and change.

But while some things are clearly a lot better now, such as healthcare, race relations and the economy, many are worse. We are still fighting two wars we have no business being in. A certain Republican owned cable channel is still allowed to spread filthy lies and propaganda disguised as "news". And man is still busy polluting the planet with his carbon as we write this. And there are some elections coming up that are going to institute real change (back to the old ways of doing things) if we are not careful.

Thus, certain key TMI staff have come on board with this important hunger initiative in an effort to finally make some people in Washington listen up and begin instituting change on a much grander scale before it's too late.

So, yes, we're hungry, Mr. Obama. We're hungry for reform. And having considered all options, we don't think there's any better way to wake up Congress and the White House than to starve ourselves until we get what we want.

So, Washington... let us tell you what we had for dinner last night. Well, we had a small amount of food because the strike hadn't started yet. But let us tell you what we had for a midnight snack. Nothing. And what did we have when we woke up early this morning feeling more than a little peckish?

Nothing.

In fact, when we arrived at work, we strolled right by the Mega Independent breakfast buffet. Yes, there was a table graced with delectable pancakes and sweet Vermont maple syrup... strawberries and whipped cream... english muffins... sausages... bagels... cream cheese... eggs three ways... and guess how much of it we partook in, Mr. President. Guess how much.

We'll give you a hint: None. So what do you think about that, then?

Like many of our fellow citizens, we watched the President's Address to the Nation last week on TV. It was an amazing speech, filled with uplifting oratory that made our hearts sing with ultrafantastic joy. It was beautiful.

But sometimes, oratory isn't enough and action is needed.

As has long been the case, Republicans have far too much of a voice in our system of government. They have failed us, with thirty years of bankrupt policies that broke our system. And thirty years of broken policies that bankrupted our system. For that, the filibuster must be suspended through the end of the year, so that Congress can pass The Legislation We Need before the Elections By People That Don't Know Anything take effect.

When we get Cap and Trade, Mr. President, we might have a cracker. When we get unconditional Amnesty for all illegals, we might have a piece of fruit. When we get a withdrawal of all troops from all middle eastern countries, without preconditions, we might have a few beans. And when we get a ban on ALL unnecessary energy use, including the implementation of direct government control of all home and business thermostats, light switches and electrical outlets, effective immediately, we might have some pasta with some kind of light primavera mixture.

All we are asking for after that is a bill that guarantees fair wages, housing, insurance and education for all people all the time, regardless of circumstances or anything else. Not just for citizens of the United States, but citizens of the world. As you so eloquently pointed out during your historic campaign, we are all in this together. If you do that, we might have a tofu night.

We also need a bill that, as Mrs. Kathleen Sebelius, the head of your Health and Human Services department said, gives the people a "re-education" on healthcare reform. It's time for that. Come on. Less talky and more setting up of camps. Chop chop. Then maybe we can have some fried rice.

Finally, we only ask for an official restriction on any speech, written, spoken, or transmitted electronically, that impedes any of these aforementioned tasks, an offense with a minimum five year prison sentence, and a maximum punishment of death. Too many things have gotten in the way of change for far too long, Mr. President. It is a capital offense against good opinion to stop this kind of progress. Anyone with sense will agree. Especially after you pass that law. Then, and only then, will we have chili.

But until the above initiatives are ushered in through your electorate-granted fiat, Congress, and until the initiatives are signed by your election-mandated pen, Mr. President, you can expect us here at TMI to go to bed without dinner.

Monday, September 6, 2010

The Most Glorious of Days

TRYING TO SELL OUR UNIONS SHORT?
SEE YOU ALL IN LABOR COURT!

TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT!
ELECTION OUTCOMES WE DICTATE!

DO THIS FAIR SO NO ONE HURTS!
HAND IT ALL TO THE PURPLE SHIRTS!

The Mega Independent says have a Happy Labor Day.

Or else.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

TMI Video Game Reviews

Video games are pretty hot right now and TMI has the latest unbiased, independent word on what games to get and what games to avoid like the plague!

Proletariat Soldier of Fortune
In this first person shooter, you are Mack, a blue collar drone, armed only with a heart of gold, and a penchant for dishing out social justice one bourgeois body at a time. Although Mack's journey is linear and predictable, his ascent from unthinking robot, flattened under the jackboot of exploitative capitalism, to heavily loaded revolutionary fighter for the cause of the common good, is as satisfying as it is beautiful.

Packed with pulsating sequences of collective liberation, the climactic firefight against the evil CEO inside the First Class airplane lounge must be experienced to be believed, and makes this game a surefire classic. We don't want to spoil the ending, but stepping on the CEO's fingers as he hangs onto the wing of the plane for dear life, only to see him drop 20,000 feet toward the Himalayas, brought tears of joy to our eyes, and our closed fists of solidarity high into the air. We would give this game seven or eight stars if we could. It's the TMI Game of the Month, and a contender for Game of the Year.

Eco Warrior 3: The Ends Justify The Means
Hotter than 50 years of global warming and selling even faster than a factory can belch out a hurricane, this realtime strategy game takes "going green" to a whole new level of ultracool! You... are the Envirofreedom Coalition, and your job is to be as green as absolutely possible. For everything you recycle, for every light you find and turn off (this gets harder throughout the game as you turn off more and more lights), and for every fellow non-player character you convert to the environmental cause, you gain Earthfriend Points (EPs).

Collect enough EP's and your group can then use them to manufacture weapons of mass alteration, which you then strategically place to get Mother Earth out of the grip of consumption and greed, and returned to her rightful non-human owners. A well thought out fantasy, and a must-play for humans all ages.


Rules Committee: Tuesday Night Smackdown
This sports/puzzle game features all the heart-pumping qualities of fierce competition without the interference of silly concepts like "winning" and "losing". You play the head of the Rules Committee, and therefore your sole job (as Alcee Hastings (D) so eloquently put it) is to "make up the rules as you go along". What a wonderful way to teach children that there is no real right or wrong in the world, just different ways of looking at things, all of which deserve our respect and admiration. Also, let nothing like "rules" ever hold you back from achieving your dreams.


Captain Liberty, Jihadi Bagger Extraordinaire
Captain Liberty is a game filled to the brim with obvious right-wing political bias (we at TMI find putting politics into games to be totally contemptible, and the true last refuge of a scoundrel). In it, you're an American soldier fighting a Taliban-like regime somewhere in the Middle East. Your job is to kill "terrorists" in the name of "freedom" because they look different than you and have explosives. But the game ends before we get to see the real terrorism - the ruthless exploitation of the civilian masses and their oil fields. Yes, you heard that right. When all the "terrorists" are dead, the cities are declared "safe" for "liberty", people all over the country mindlessly cheer their new oppressors, and the credits roll. Lame.


USA Defender II: Home of the Brave
You are Jack Strong. You return from a weeklong business trip to find your entire family dead, apparently blown up by a radical group of foreign terrorists. It's now up to you to find the people behind the attack, and kill everyone along the way in this side-scrolling action shooter. More blatant right-wing bias and hypocrisy abounds, as your sole job is to kill a raft of ultra-religious foreigners who happen to be armed to the hilt. No negotiations. No sitting down at a table and talking things out like regular people. Just pure thuggery and intimidation of hapless victims by you, the player.

Throughout the game, you have no real proof that the "terrorists" who are constantly running towards you and shrieking in an ancient language intend to actually use the "weapons" they are pointing at you, or for that matter, the bombs they have strapped to themselves. Rewarding the player for shooting the bomb-holders before they even get to make the choice to blow anything up sets a very dangerous, almost fascistic tone. This presumed guilt is at best, an irresponsible lesson in bigoted racial profiling, and at worst, a hate crime of the highest degree.

Also, ditch the American flag on the cover. USA, USA, USA, yeah yeah, we get it already. Five stars for the hypocrisy. No stars for the game.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Green Recipe #380 - Soy Cheese Rice Latte With Shredded Mung Bean In Cold Coconut Oil

This entree recipe is as delicious as it sounds. It's healthy for you and far more importantly, it's great for the environment!
Soy Cheese Rice Latte With Shredded Mung Bean
In Cold Coconut Oil

Ingredients

2 cups shredded organic mung beans
1 1/4 cups coconut oil (separated)
1 cup soy cheese
1 cup rice (cooked and mashed)
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons flax seed oil
1 tablespoon turbinado sugar
2 teaspoons curry powder
2 tablespoons espresso foam
pinch of salt
1 gallon of water

Instructions

In a medium skillet, fry off the shredded mung beans in 1/4 cup coconut oil until they become very mushy and dark. Set aside.

Melt the soy cheese in the microwave until the consistency is similar to soft clay, or perhaps day old wallpaper paste.

In the same skillet, combine soy sauce, turbinado sugar, curry powder, flax seed oil and mashed rice and heat thoroughly. Cook until mixture rolls up on itself and resembles a baseball.

In a medium sized bowl, mash together the seasoned rice baseball and mung bean mixture for at least two minutes. Take the remaining cup of coconut oil and drop the mung ball into it. It should come to rest on the bottom. If it floats, it won't float for long. Refrigerate for between 4 and 48 hours.

In the refrigerator, the coconut oil will turn from a liquid to a solid, but first it will infuse with the delicious taste of the curried rice mung ball. When ready to serve, remove from refrigerator and gently spread the melted soy cheese over the top of the cup. Finish with the espresso foam and pinch of salt. Garnish with cilantro.

Serve family style with the gallon of water.
Happy being oh-so-kind to Mother Earth! She will thank you by not sending storms.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Possible Police Brutality Suspected By Us In Slaying Of Earth-Friendly Eco-Warrior

James J. Lee was shot and killed on Wednesday by police in a complicated case filled with many confusing details.

The circumstances of the shooting are not 100% verified, and as is our policy, TMI will not discuss any circumstances that are not known to be absolutely true.

What is known is that Mr. Lee was a heartfelt fighter for environmental causes that were near and dear to him. Before he was shot dead, internet postings revealed him to be a lover of animals of all kinds, such as giraffes. He was against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and had strong opinions about pollution, and the path he wanted humans to take in their efforts to make the planet a better place. And don't we all.

Mr. Lee urged everyone to "find solutions for unemployment and housing", and in these tough economic times, that sounds like one heck of an idea. He also believed, strongly, that children are our future. He decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. If he failed, if he succeeded, at least he lived how he believed. No matter what they take from him, they can't take away his dignity.

Alas, the greatest love of all did not happen to James J. Lee yesterday, as he was gunned down by a barrel of cold blue steel, in a case of possible misconduct that unfortunately raises more questions than it answers.
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