Sunday, December 27, 2009

Grading the President

As part of our vise-like in-depth coverage of the President, we sent several reporters to Hawaii to follow him on his vacation and to answer a few burning questions. After all, the President may be on vacation, but our world is still turning.

One, we wanted to know what he looked like shirtless. Sure, we've all seen the photo of him sans top in the water, but that was over a year ago. They say being President ages you by a factor of two or three. We wanted to know how the abs are holding up. The verdict: Sixpackalicious!

Two, does Michelle's hair always look so amazingly perfect without any help from anyone? The answer is a resounding yes! She's like Jackie Kennedy, if Jackie Kennedy had been born with a scalp full of VO5. It's how hair comes alive.

As far as policy matters go, we monitored the President's golf club selection skills, and unfortunately we must say he is somewhat lacking there. You don't use a 1 wood in a deep lie, Mr. President! And by the way, that's lie as in grass, not lie as in "Mission Accomplished".

Finally, we quizzed President Obama about Iran. Why is it that no President has ever thought to handle Iran with such incredible pragmatism? "I have a gift", was his reply from across the course. You certainly do, at that.

So how did we ever manage to elect a President that had the mental acuity of Albert Einstein, the fairness of King Solomon, and the pure animal magnetism of a young Brad Pitt? America just got lucky. That's the only possible explanation.

And as he escapes from the crazy runaround of this zany little world, let's "hope" the weather holds up for him. The forecast is sunny, not unlike the forecast for the rest of this term. And the next! And maybe even the one after that. You never know!
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