Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Independent Q & A With Our Readers

And now it's time again for you to ask us the questions that are on your mind, and for us to inform you with our vast wealth of expert knowledge.

With all these crazy attempted terror attacks going on, I hear a lot lately about the word "Jihad". What does it mean?

-John K.
TMI: "Jihad" is an arabic term that means "personal struggle". It's the type of thing you go through when the world has impoverished you and treated you unfairly because of your brownness. Here at The Independent, we tend to remember what it means through this little mnemonic: "Ji, I could have had a V8". It is basically that helpless feeling you get when you know that you can do something to make things better.

Why are the Republicans blocking everything the Democrats are trying to do to make everything in America awesome?

-Carla L.
TMI: It's not that the Republicans are blocking everything. It's that the Democrats in power are employing a full-throated radically far left agenda that isn't necessarily good for the economy and certainly isn't what was promised to the American people in 2008. Liberalism always seems good in theory, but when acted upon, it's rarely popular or effective and often achieves the opposite of its stated goals. Take a look at California and any inner city for examples of raging liberalism gone horribly, horribly wrong. In short, the Republicans are just trying to protect what's left of the people's liberty and earnings as each successive Democrat bill attempts to strip them away an insidious bunch at a time. Just kidding! They're assholes, that's why.

My twins just started school. How can I get them there with the smallest carbon footprint possible? The bus is already running, so I'm guessing that's the way.

-Ray R.
Our Go Green Expert Says: True, the up-and-running bus system would seem the proper way to go to reduce the footprint. But the problem is there's a lot talking and breathing and horsing around on those buses, all of which generate lots and lots of extra Earth-murdering carbon dioxide. I would suggest you drive them to school, but first find a Yogi to teach them to go into a deep meditative state where their heart rate can be lowered to 15 or so beats per minute. If they stay in this state for the entire journey both ways all schoolyear long, the amount of carbon you save would be enough to fill the equivalent of seven grand canyons.

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